Daisy Fairydust

[Daisy Fairydust]

I was really lucky that the coordinators for my safe house let me take my pets, it was one thing that made me anxious too. Honestly I feel incredibly lucky at the moment, don’t get me wrong there is still stuff hanging over me like divorce proceedings and finding alternative accommodation but this safe space has just given me so much peace. I love it. Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you @lifeinterrupted.
Kids and I are just trying to adjust to our new way of living. We’ve been doing ok but couple of wee obstacles this week so I’ve been a bit all over the place, with yesterday being quite a tough day. What I find difficult is friends seem to have abandoned me, stopped asking how I’m doing, especially as I’ve taken a step back in some of our group chats. There’s just a lack of understanding I think.
This is a great place for support, massive well done to you for reaching out on here. Domestic abuse leaves your head in a lonely old place even when you’re surrounded by friends and family that don’t know what you’re going through.
Stay safe.
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

@BraveStrongSmart it’s such an amazing, weird, but amazing. Initially I second guessed myself over any purchase but now it’s getting easier. You’ll still have wobbles but it does get easier over time. Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Well done Melonballs! It’s a great feeling when you start moving things in, just enjoy your moment, you have survived and got to this point. Enjoy buying bits for your new place. That’s the most exciting part, or it was for me. WA told me to make my wee refuge place feel like home and that’s what I’ve done with pictures and other bits that I’ve bought without compromise, without asking if it was ok to spend money. I’ve been after a certain coffee machine for years so bought it!
Go and fill your new home with things you love, be happy, be free and feel at peace xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you for all your lovely comments. Tinkerbell, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got no TV on at the moment and my crackling candle burning away whilst I read a book. I too used to have to listen to banging coming from the kitchen, or singing and whistling, especially if I was trying to have a moment of calm. It’s so lovely to be able to read in peace without a jealous comment if I wasn’t giving him attention.
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi starqueen
I think really it’s up to you if you want to speak to someone at work about it, perhaps there’s someone there you trust but you’re under no obligation.
Depending on your employer/company they may be able to offer some form of counselling service that could help.
Personally, I felt I had to tell my employer, I was trapped with my abuser both working from home because of the pandemic. I’d reached peak with it all, had just started to reach out to women’s aid etc and didn’t want my work impacted by what I was dealing with at home.
I have to say my employer was amazing, HR and my top line manager, we all worked together to ensure I was able to get some safe space from time to time, counselling was arranged to see me through some of the worst weeks. Even now that I’m out they are still doing everything they can to help, they’ve even said they would source some equipment for my youngest for home schooling. I cannot thank them enough. I’m off sick at the moment and there’s no pressure for me to return.
Is there something in particular that’s triggering you?

Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

I’ve archived the message without reading it. Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you both. I was doing really well in my little bubble but he messaged earlier, I haven’t opened it but the preview was enough to send me into a bit of panic. Very pleasant in his opening line, stark contrast from the threats I got last week. I want no contact with him, so will speak to my WA worker tomorrow as well as a solicitor. My kids are of an age where I don’t have to be involved. I was feeling guilty about CMS earlier and maybe we should try to come to an agreement but again, I don’t want to speak to him and actually don’t have too, I can fill in the thing online and let them know it’s domestic abuse so they’ll do it all. I think.
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thanks KIP, it’s very surreal at the moment.
I know life will be difficult- he was so financially controlling and I’ve left with nothing but clothes and my kids but it will get easier. He’s already started spending our savings but let him. He’s playing the victim too, tried to flip it all on me but I know better. I’ve got so much positive support out there, he has one of my friends that doesn’t know what I endured looking after him, they’ve not really reached out to me. Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi Jellyx

Thank you for sharing this, I’m just waiting on the flat becoming available for me and the kids, it’s imminent. I’m equal parts excited and terrified but I know I have to do it, I cannot continue to live a life that is economically and psychologically controlled.
I am worried about the financial side of things, can you give me an indication of what you pay for in refuge? One of my amazing support network described escaping your abuser like shedding heavy coats. My main concern is my youngest child and the devastating impact it’ll have on him but I can’t live like this forever, I’ve already stayed years too long out of fear of being able to live on the small salary I have, but lockdown has shown me how horrific this is.
Unfortunately, social housing for me is a minimum three year wait, there just isn’t any housing stock and movement is very slow. And by three years I think that’s for the people at the top of the list, and that’s priority homeless. It’s shocking.
Daisy Fairydust xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi Lottieblue

I’m working with WA to get out but I’m on a waiting list for refuge in my area.
I’ve came home, he’s gone out so to save another argument I made him something. He’s left it and gone out to buy something. Even though there is stuff here.
I feel I get constantly asked where I’m going, where did I go and who did I meet.
It’s so unfair on my kids.
I am at the point now where I’m wondering if I should go to the police. It’s not physical but everything else is just getting me down. I’m at such a low ebb.
My eldest told me they were so close to screaming at him and that he’s nasty!
You are both right, he is!
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi Lottieblue

I’m working with WA to get out but I’m on a waiting list for refuge in my area.
I’ve came home, he’s gone out so to save another argument I made him something. He’s left it and gone out to buy something. Even though there is stuff here.
I feel I get constantly asked where I’m going, where did I go and who did I meet.
It’s so unfair on my kids.
I am at the point now where I’m wondering if I should go to the police. It’s not physical but everything else is just getting me down. I’m at such a low ebb.
My eldest told me they were so close to screaming at him and that he’s nasty!
You are both right, he is!
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you so much for this post, definitely needed.
Another app i found out about is called Bright Sky – it looks like a weather app but helps you record evidence. I must admit I’m not consistent but you can add pictures, text and recordings to it and it emails you what you add to it. Victim Support mentioned an exclusion order but I know I’ll need lots of evidence if I’m going to do that.
I have (detail removed by moderator) letters that I’ve written to him (detail removed by moderator) years ago, that outlined everything that relates to the emotional and financial control.
A social worker I know was the one who pointed out that things weren’t right and I have been in denial stage for years but am finally starting to get the courage to break free.
I’ve listed things in the emails to victim support, women’s aid and the centre for women’s rights, that counts. I’ve reported it to customer protection at the bank and have managed to get an account set up totally unlinked. And have now notified my employer and the GP.

All the cloak and dagger stuff is very stressful, I had my first telephone chat with my support worker from Women’s Aid next to the (detail removed by moderator) at my brothers flat.

I’m unsure about contacting the police, but I suppose if it’s part of the evidence trail then I have to give it consideration.

Xx

 

 

[Daisy Fairydust]

Hi @lottieblue
I’m so sorry to hear that you feel lost and unsupported. Talking does help, do you have a friend you can confide in? I’ve found one that has been brilliant, other so not so much. I’ve only recently reached out for help and have come so far in terms of what I’ve been able to achieve.
Victim Support have been great, I have an allocated worker who messages me regularly and isn’t phased by my essay sized emails.
Have you had any support from Women’s rights? I’ve found them particularly helpful too.
You are not alone as both Twisted Sister and Catjam have said.
It is a really confusing situation we are all in but to feel that you have no support from the agencies must leave you feeling a bit rubbish.
I spoke to my GP, they did offer counselling but they felt is was a little generic and wondered if Women’s Aid had something more specific. I eventually told my employer recently and they have suggested I speak to HR as they may be able to signpost me to counselling. I’m still a bit of walls up at the moment and am just taking each week as it comes in terms of what I’m doing to break free, at the moment it still feels impossible and like a life time away.
This whole pandemic has magnified everything we are going through and then some with our abusers, please keep talking on here.
I’m a big advocate for self care too, it doesn’t have to be huge, it could even just be listening to your favourite song, have a cuppa or if you can five minutes alone in the bath, just something you can do that gives you a moment to breathe.
Please Take care
(name removed by Moderator)

[Daisy Fairydust]

We all have strength, strength when we’re enduring what we do at home, still raising children and carrying in with our day to day living, then strength when we leave.
I am utterly shattered, my mind is blank, calm but blank. Living with abuse when in lockdown and both working from home takes it’s toll. My kids are angry, not at me, but at their dad for not moving out. Their contact is woeful, he’s giving them an hour of his time each week. He’s a vile human being and still thinks he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m making up stories. Thing is, I’ve told only a small handful of people about what has actually happened.
Stay safe everyone xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

I think that’s the wonderful thing about women’s aid, everything is take your time, do it in your own way. That’s how we fled too, I made sure the place was comfortable with some of our own bits and things that I’d bought without asking permission. I had the keys for a couple of weeks and when the moment was right did it.
I’ve had a brilliant relationship with my bank, the bank manager even called me to talk through a couple of things. I need to contact another lawyer just so that I have a choice and get the ball rolling that way.
But you’re right Hetty, it’s about small steps, doing things so as not to overwhelm. My gp has been amazing, I spoke to them last week and then the first one that I spoke to called the other day to check in and make sure I’m ok.
I’m extremely fortunate to be surrounded by an amazing support network, I’m so grateful for that.
Xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

@Tkkbub please don’t feel ashamed, I get how confusing our lives can be though. Iam only just realising that sex can be used to control you.

He has erectile disfunction too, I used to always be the one that would initiate sex and then when it didn’t happen I’d be told I was putting too much pressure on him. I asked him to go to the GP to speak to someone, get some help given the fact that he was so young. I wanted us to have a health relationship. At the beginning of our relationship he could keep his hands off me, would be holding my hand, giving me cuddles etc all the time, even in front of his parents. I don’t really know when that side of things stopped but I know about the sex! We’ve been married a lot of years have (detail removed by moderator) children and I’ve probably not had sex since my youngest was about (detail removed by moderator) which is a lot of years.
He went to the GP, got the pills, had a a little bit of counselling discovered that he possibly needed circumcised but there were other options before that. He never followed the advise, again told me I was putting too much pressure on him. It’s carried on like that since, but we’ve still not had sex, I’m still blamed or I’m blamed because I don’t instigate sex anymore. He doesn’t look at me or make me feel attractive. I can walk past him naked and he doesn’t look at me. However last year he had an online fling, I found out, read the messages and the things he was was telling this person is things he’s never said to me.
It’s confusing, I did blame myself for his erectile disfunction, after having two kids through the channel they’re supposed to come out of, were things different? Obviously my body has changed, although I’m slim I’ve got stretch marks and loose skin, did I put him off, is there no sensation when we’re having sex. I started believing that I’m not sexually attractive to him or anyone. He’s been prescribed pills to help with his dysfunction but asked me to get them from the chemist. One packet lasted years, I then started refusing to go get them, he was too embarrassed to go.
We went on a weekend away through his work (detail removed by moderator), he said he’d got a new prescription like that was supposed to be a turn on. I was actually repulsed. I faked it.
I think he thinks I’m his property, he thinks its OK to grab my boobs when I’m sitting on the toilet or grabs my bum if I’m in the kitchen – I hate it. I told him to stop doing it the other week, it caused him to go in a huff but I feel better for it.
xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you @iliketea. Some days are easier than others, lockdown has definitely exacerbated things. I think I feel stronger every day, at the moment I’m definitely just in the planning phase. I just need as much information as I get before I can started moving on to the next phase.
I called the GP and broke down down on the phone, I’m usually so string but I’m living in such a high alert emotional state at the moment, he offered a prescription to deal with the anxiety but at the moment I’d rather not.
I can only grab moments here and there to look on here just now but I know that I will find lots of help, support and useful information.

Thank you, xx

[Daisy Fairydust]

Thank you for this.
I’m completely new on here and am feeling overwhelmed. I’m currently trying to get as much information as I can get before I can make a move to leave. It took me years to get to this point, initially I thought I’d just fallen out of love and it was arguments but then a friend pointed out that my situation sounded like it was actually controlling. Roll on another while with me in denial, a visit on here a couple of years ago and me educating myself, I started to realise she was right. Pre lockdown I thought I’d start to work my way through getting info, maybe try squirrel away money, but I wasn’t quite ready yet. Come lockdown and oh boy, being in the same space 24/7 has been hell. Previously with the way he works we were lucky to see him once a week, so the control/situation was manageable, 24/7 is tough.
I’ve gone through all the what if it’s me scenarios, is it really abuse if it’s not violence, but I suppose it’s denial. Now i’m at the despair point, I don’t know what to do. In the last three weeks I’ve managed to speak to the bank, Women’s Aid and today a lawyer from Women’s Rights. It’s all so overwhelming.
Anyway, this is my abuser

Behaviour – Always argumentative, condescending, judgemental, pass remarkable, you know will always make a comment on about some if they are overweight. Rude to me, rude to my kids sorry our kids. Has no relationship with my daughter. Confuses the life out of me, I’m damned if I do right and damned if I do wrong. Speaks in (removed by moderator) (he’s british just learnt it so can speak it fluently) so that I don’t understand what he’s saying, slams things about, swears and mutters, tells my fur babies to f*** off, moans at them, pushes them. Lies, had an online/Whatsapp affair last year, (removed by moderator) and told me that all the sexual things he said to a virtual stranger was role play. Moans at what I cook, accuses me of hating his family yet he can speak anyway he likes about mine, and it’s not nice what he says.
He is always accusing me of flirting, asks me if I’ll run off with someone. Personal hygiene is disgusting. Doesn’t look at my text messages or respond. I’ve had the grand total of two trips away with friends in (removed by moderator) years, he didn’t like it and made it difficult in terms of not being there to look after his own kids, chose to work extra so he wasn’t with them, my mum had to come and cook for them. I had a wee side job to help me pay for a trip abroad last year but it finished before I could pay it off. He let me sell some of my belongings even though we have thousands in the bank.

Emotions – plays with them, uses crocodile tears to manipulate me, throws I love you around constantly and then gets annoyed if I don’t say it back straight away ( I can’t say it anymore because I don’t mean it)
Control – Emotional Control has said during arguments, he’d be better off not being here, he’ll go run his car off a road etc. For a long time I didn’t realise this was psychological/emotional control.
Money – Money is a big one, has free and easy access to my accounts, I have none to his including the joint account set up at his bank. My name isn’t on the mortgage or our savings, it’s all in his name. Teased me with putting my name on the mortgage (removed by moderator), I had to sign something turns out it’s a contract that may see me get nothing from the sale of the house. I wasn’t told what the paperwork was for. I’m given a weekly budget to buy food and petrol, haircuts for the kids, have to ask constantly to buy clothes for the kids yet he can just go and buy what he wants. Calls me a money grabber.
Physical – no violence but I’ve realised has withheld a lot of physical contact, like I have to be the one that kisses goodnight or there’s a comment, or I have to hold hands and if I don’t something is said. But he doesn’t instigate things.
Sex – not had any in years, he’s not interested. He can’t look at me naked. I used to try to instigate sex but he wasn’t interested, now he moans because I show no interest. I used to think it was a reflection on me, you know I’ve had kids, your body changes, maybe I’m not attractive but I realise this is another method of control.
Timeline – years, sadly. Thought everything was OK in the beginning but when you step back and reflect it’s not.
That is my abuser, that’s the abridged version.
Thank you

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