Darcy

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Piglet640,
Welcome to the forum… this is the start of your journey to getting to know you and heal the parts of you that you have been given away or that have been neglected
I always says it has to start with self … self love and self care
Until we can understand ourselves we will struggle to fully understand what we need to heal
Start now to give yourself the love you deserve, ask yourself what you really need and check in with yourself throughout the day
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay… You Can Heal Your Life
Remember this is a process and it takes time, but it can be done when we put the work in
Be kind to yourself my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
You are totally worthy of doing anything you want to do, be it joining a support group or not
Your voice and your feelings and your experience are totally valid, however you have to work on believing this yourself… until then you will always have doubt that anyone else values you
Try some self love techniques to start to reinforce that you matter and that you are valued … affirmations are really good for this
As for attending a support group this is your choice … do what feels right for you
Everyone heals in different ways so try a range of things and go with what works for you
This is your journey and from now on going forward you only need to do what feels right for you
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel…seek221,
Firstly you ARE strong enough to do this!
Women who have endured domestic abuse are the toughest women out there!
Look at how far you have already come and how you have got away from him, that takes strength
Its great that you have got counselling, but id be lying if I said its going to be easy
We have to feel to heal, so it is so important that you face the emotions and feelings as they come up. This may not always mean having a strong outer edge, be vulnerable and open to the process
The emotions will feel uncomfortable and scary and make you angry and sad, but all of this is going to get you to a better place
Tears help you cleanse, like water washing away the past
If you do not address your feelings you will be able to squash them down but like a spring they will jump back up just when you don’t want them to and until you fully release them there will be no room for new things to enter your life
You have to move through things to get to where you want to be
I have total faith you can do this, you got this my angel
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel…Scarecrow,
You are more than entitled to have a pitty party so please do not be to hard on yourself … we all have bad days … just don’t be the last to leave the party!
I understand that you want validation from an outside source as to how he treated you , but I would urge you to start to trust yourself and your own knowing of what has happened and how he has treated you as well
You know in your heart what he has done to you… trust that, trust your judgement in knowing that you have been hurt
Its a good first step in acknowledging and noticing yourself. Once you start to notice yourself you can then notice your needs and listen to what it is you want
Its tricky at first to know what you need but sit quietly for a while or walk in nature and from out of no where you will know … trust yourself my darling
This may be that you need a good nights sleep or a healthy meal or something bigger that you need to change about your situation
Unless we are still how can we hear what our mind and body are really telling us… when we tune in we are so so powerful
Stay strong
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Focus on yourself and your son my angel and all your positives you have to come xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Sunflowersunshine (great name)
I 100% get the speed at which you are wanting to correct everything so to move on and it is so great that you are trying to and not just staying stuck
However instead of trying to be this and that, how about just trying to be!
Give yourself some space and time to actually listen to your heart and what it is telling you and what it is asking from you
Maybe she just wants you to notice her and sit quietly with her
Its a long journey after abuse and somethings move faster and slot into place quicker than others
Start some affirmations going like ‘I am safe and protected’ to reassure you before bedtime and put a lovely calming bedtime routine in place
Only you can truly interpret the dreams you are having, try writing them down and unraveling what they really mean and address the fears that come up in them
It wont be easy but as I always say, you have to feel to heal
Sit with the pain and the hurt and let it feel uncomfortable and then let it go
We have to move through things to get to the other side and clear space for new things to come in
Unless you put some grounding techniques in place this will keep happening, it is so important to know how to centre yourself and your thoughts
This wont all happen overnight it is a daily practice of reinforcing the positives over and over, but it can be done … and I believe you can do it angel
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Twisted Sister,
Firstly sit quietly and take a few deep breaths, and know that whenever you are feeling like this you can just go back to focusing on your breath for a few moments
You need to have a few grounding techniques in place so you are strong enough to face this
As regards to whether you tell anyone, why don’t you try telling us on the forum first as a run through if it would help
With anything in life I would always ask yourself ‘what is you intention?’
So in telling this person what is your intention? What do you want to happen and the outcome to be? What if you don’t get the exact out come, will that be OK to?
Also ask yourself, can you trust this person you are going to tell? It is a lot to put on someone else and no one person has all the answers. Also it is very difficult for people who have not experienced abuse to understand it. Will it put them in danger?
That said, and once considered, I would say do all you can to get yourself out of the awful situation you are in
Make sure you are strong and clear on what you want, otherwise you will only get sucked back … that’s what they are good at
Stay safe my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Chocolatebunnie,
The back and forth of feelings that you have is understandable
The doubt you have about thinking you are wasting peoples time is also understandable, and this is related to your self worth and you thinking that you are not worth anyone’s time
It is great that you have a support worker, but you have to support yourself aswell, her alone will not fix your situation or move you forward, this has to come from you
He will always be the way he is, making jokes, putting you down … so you are the one who has to change, to change things. And you have to do this not only for you but for your kids.
You have to show them the way and be a strong women role model
Start to work on yourself more. Every opportunity you can, plough some self care into yourself. Say nice words to yourself, create a strong motivating mantra to go round and round in your head, have gratitude for the good things in your life
When you become strong you will start to see his weaknesses. You will realise he makes the jokes because he is insecure, not you
It will empower you … this is something you have to practice daily, and once you become empowered it will give you the strength to see that you deserve more than he is giving you and it will give you the strength to leave
It can be done my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Wildandfree,
Well done for leaving, that must have been a huge thing for you to do with your children
I am sure there is loads of advice online and you will also get advice from other mothers on here, which all I am sure is well worth listening to and taking into consideration
Ultimately, I think though no one knows your children like you do
You have clearly been strong enough to live on your own with your children and navigate custody for them whilst going through a terrible time yourself
Trust now that you will be able to guide them through this too
Think, how you would have liked to have been spoken to at their age, you know their capabilities in understanding information and how emotionally developed they are
Be honest with them in a language they understand, this maybe an on going conversation for a while or it may just be a one off conversation, follow their lead
Explain it from your point of view and let their Dad explain it from his, then it is up to the children to make their own minds up. However always reinforcing the moral aspects of things … for example it is never OK to hit someone etc
Their minds are fragile and they may not be able to interpret the events so factually, just literally, correcting them now of events may prevent long term emotional effects
Let them they have a safe space to open up in, not a Mum who just fobs them off
You could even do some activities with them around this, like them writing down their questions or feelings
I believe if you really trust yourself your mother instinct will kick in and you will know how to handle this. It may also be cathartic to you too, to open up
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Footprints,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting
Its a big step to connect with other women who have experiences like you
This is the start of your journey to the life that you deserve
Please know that you are not alone and you are supported
There is nothing stronger than women when they unite and come together to support each other
Keep posting and stay connected
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel…Icandothis,
Please do not apologise for ‘posting again’ …that is what the forum is hear for
Its a long journey to understand and reason things so please, you have to take this one day at a time
Maybe try and write down how you are feeling, this really helps to unravel things
No one else is going to read it so it doesn’t matter how you write it
The anger you have you need to express… however not at him… as this will not do you any good
Shout, scream, cry and punch a pillow or go into a field and do the same!
You have to feel to heal so get it out, allow yourself to have this feeling but understand long term it will not serve you and it will eat you up
Like I say it takes time… I have been away from my ex for several years now and when I look back at my journey although I wanted it all over and out of my mind in one go, that isn’t how it works, its layers that take time to process
Be kind to yourself and start to ask yourself what you need in the moment. Sometimes for me it was just to be safe in my home with a blanket over me watching TV, sometimes it was being around friends and family and sometimes it was sitting quietly in nature … start to gather a ‘tool box’ of self care and self support techniques
Give yourself permission to have these feelings and then give yourself the permission to let them go … you don’t have to carry them around forever
Once you let the old feelings go, you never know, new loving ones may just flood in
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel …Everyhopeful321,
What you are feeling and questioning is totally normal for the situation you are in
So please don’t think there is anything wrong in this train of thought
However, the trick is, to try and control it so it doesn’t run away with you
Try not to go back on things, the best thing you can do now is accept the situation you are in … I don’t mean accept it and give up, but you have to know what you are dealing with to move on from it and if you are still questioning everything you haven’t fully accepted it and this will limit your ability to move on
Sometimes things in life happen to us that are bigger than an explanation or at least an immediate explanation. Sometimes we realise things years on from when things have happened to us and then start to see the message in what we are trying to be taught about ourselves, it takes time
Maybe when these thoughts arise write the questions down if you can … you don’t have to answer them, just put them on the page … journaling is a good way to unravel things and sometimes the answers come out of no where
I would also recommend turning the focus onto yourself and start asking questions about yourself, until you understand yourself there is no point questioning anyone elses behaviour, this will also strengthen you and help you set boundaries eventually
What has helped me when things are to big for me to handle or think about is, I hand them over to a power bigger than me …God/the universe/my Angels … whatever you believe in … or want to call it …knowing you are supported by a higher power is comforting to me
When my ex use to hit me I would think if that’s truly OK with you, then only God will judge you … I knew I was to small on my own to get my revenge!
I hope this all makes sense and helps a little
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel …
This is a lovely post … thank you for sharing it
Its great that you have now found someone who understands and is kind
I think what you say about things not having to be your forever life is so spot on
Just because something worked once does not mean you have to power on with it at the expense of your happiness, well being and safety
Things change all the time and so can your situation, never lose hope that this is not true
*ASK*BELIEVE*RECIEVE*
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Peachycuteness1 (I love your user name)
Firstly it sounds like you have had ALOT to deal with in the last few years
Pregnancy alone can be tough and certainly an emotional roller coaster and that’s without an abusive partner
Apparently it is quite common for men to get abusive during pregnancy, however I am sure this isn’t any kind of comfort to you, or excuse for them
You have experienced a traumatic birth and maybe feel that the feeling of joy that you were expecting with your first baby was taken from you
You are also dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, and while I understand that you are being strong in looking at the ‘everything happens for a reason’ you have still lost your baby and the hope of a new life that came with it
I think what you need to do now is be very very kind to yourself, you have a baby you need to grieve for
You have a child that needs you and you have to now give yourself some self care, love and forgiveness for what has happened
I don’t personally think this is the time to be considering another baby, please think what void you are needing to fill
The focus must be to heal these wounds first, before you can move on
I am not sure if you are able to get some kind of professional help, I would definitely do some research on getting over a traumatic birth and mischarge
But first and foremost you must today start with some self love and tenderness towards your heart
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
To me from reading your post it sounds like trauma bonding … if this is something that you have not heard about before please do some research
It is a push pull feeling of the hand that feeds you also takes it away
Its very honest of you to post that you are both smoking cannabis, which I would see as a concern … my ex was a drug addict and I was able to observe the patterns of that up and down cycle, the paranoia… there is no balance to this kind of life style … it dictates you
I know you say that it helps you, but any outside source that you rely on is not healthy especially if your partner is controlling when you can have this
You need to start to look at yourself from the inside, start address the issue that is leading you to smoke the cannabis
What pain are you numbing, what are you not dealing with, what are you not facing up to
I appreciate that this is very complex to address and I would encourage you if you can to get some help and support. If not maybe start to google and YouTube about addiction because if you are relying on something and can not go without it, this is an addiction. There is some great stuff online … I would recommend Russell Brand for one
The aim then would be that you can centre yourself, calm yourself, get yourself to sleep without the aid of anything, then the only person who can control you, is you
This will empower you no end and make you stronger
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Galaxy6,
I think what you are feeling is understandable and not uncommon so please don’t be hard on yourself for having these feelings… they are reactive to what you have gone through
Be kind to yourself today and sit quietly and ask your heart what it needs
Getting through abuse is a journey and not everyday will be smooth sailing
You are not alone and have the support of the forum so stay connected
Most importantly be kind to yourself and stay safe
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

You can search posts at the top of the topics page … there is a search bar
Type in your name and all your posts should come up
Hope that helps
D xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel…
I am so glad you have woken up with a different mind set
It is complete wasted energy focusing on these men that could be better spent focusing on yourself
All that love, time and energy you had for him and didn’t know what to do with as he would not receive it, give it now to someone who deserves it … YOU!
Whist you focus on someone or something else the focus comes away from you and you lose your place in the race …stay looking forward
Stay focused and connected on you … yes its a daily practice and you are going to have difficult days but nothing is as difficult as living with an abuser
I think with my ex, that there was only 2 people in the room when the abuse happened … me and him and we both know the truth
I don’t care what he tells people about me, if he can put his head on the pillow at night and sleep easy then that’s OK with me … only God will judge him
The world is round and what goes around comes around in one way or another
Keep on the path you are now on my darling … well done
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
That’s fantastic you have found a new relationship that is healthy and supportive
The best advice I could give you is that you have to deal with the past before you can truly move on
Unless you do this you are not being fair to him or most importantly yourself
Think how it would be if it was the other way round … relationships need to be equal and open to work
This maybe something you include him in or it maybe something you need to do alone like seeing a counselor
Start doing the self love and self care work, understand why you are the way you are ….this way you will reinforce that you are worthy of this man and this relationship
He sounds like a loving and patient man… dont let him slip away for a reason that happened before you were even together
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Icandothis,
Please do not think you are stupid… we have all felt this
We all want to believe true love exists and it does … its just sometimes we look for it in the wrong places and people
We also want to believe that something we have ploughed our time, energy and love into is going to return that to us
You now need to take all that love & energy you had for him and give it to yourself
Everything has to start with self, and self love so get this right and the rest will fall in place
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel,
My short answer to your question is unfortunately YES
These types of men are capable of anything and it all has to start somewhere
As someone who has been physically abused by a man, once they have hit you once it opens up the flood gates and after that it doesn’t even seem a big deal to them to hit you again and again
Don’t wait for that to come like I did before doing something
If you sense he has this in him, he does
You become desensitised to their ways, but the language they use, the manner in which they speak it, their behaviour it is not normal, it is not kind and it is not love
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Darcy]

I love this … nbumblebee…
I can… I will … I am
I second talking nicer to yourself
D xx

[Darcy]

Small steps my angel, and don’t be so hard on yourself
Of course there will be challenges and set backs but where ever you can from now on start to reinforce the positives however little or insignificant you think they are they all add up and get some empowering affirmations going round and round in your head
I believe ino uxx

[Darcy]

That is why you have to work on yourself first… getting up and just leaving is a way too big step to think about but once you begin to work on yourself, strengthen your boundaries, then the thought of leaving will become more achievable
It doesn’t happen over night, it takes time and effort and a willingness to leave… we have to take some of the responsibility too and look at how we can change things
But this all starts with getting yourself strong from the inside out so you are grounded and focused and wont be swayed like a little seedling, we need to get strong like the deep rooted oak tree

“Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing”

[Darcy]

Its true, if you can live with an abuser you are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for
I always think nothing is as bad as living with an abuser and when women say they are scared to leave I think it is also worth thinking that it is also scary to stay so which would be the worst kind of scary xx

[Darcy]

I agree with Wants to Help … its a daily practice
Anything worth having takes time and anything worth having that is good is a skill that needs mastering
I have been away from my ex for several years now but everyday is a daily practice of reminding myself how strong I have been, how I can get through things and that no day is ever as bad as it was with him
You wont get a six pack over night … its the same with training you mind
However put the time in and the results will be rewarding
Dont give up or be put off by a bad day … you can overcome this
D xx

[Darcy]

You have to feel to heal … so the anger and the guilt is OK .. sit with it a while, ask it what it wants now from you now, ask it if you are done and can move on
Forgive yourself and then let it go with thanks and gratitude, the lessons this has taught you will protect you further down the line in life
You are a strong woman, so don’t forget that… you got this
D xx

[Darcy]

I hope it helps my darling… Searchingforhope
Its all about finding what works for you and if it doesn’t please don’t give up searching … hope is out there
Sending you continued love & support
D xx

[Darcy]

It has to start somewhere my darling so 10 minutes is amazing … that’s 10 minutes more than you have been giving yourself
Make sure you give yourself some credit for this
Try and continue this daily, it may not be walking but just 10 minutes of something just for you … even if that’s just the ritual of making a nice hot drink and drinking it completely focused on you or applying some body moisturiser and enjoying the scent while you do
Once you start to become present in the moment of what you are doing, whatever it is, you will begin to become more connected to you and want to give yourself that love, time and respect everyday
Dont ever give up hope … you have this xx

[Darcy]

Hi Everhopeful321,
Well done for going ahead and organising something for yourself
I am sorry you were not able to go through with this
Once your partner starts to see that you are gaining control again and empowering yourself he will shut you down through his own fear
Maybe this step was just a little to big for both of you… Please please please don’t give up though and feel disheartened … it takes time and its lots of little steps
Try and start a little smaller and just do things at home where it is not really effecting him or he notices to much
You need to safe guard yourself while you gather your strength
Try simple acts of self care, a lovely bubble bath, clean up your diet and start exercising, … even if that’s just around the house going up and down the stairs a few extra times… plenty of water. Do some stretching(yoga) start to connect to your body and your heart and what it really needs.
Start reading anything positive that you can … get creative and do things with your children that you use to enjoy when you were little … connect with nature, the earth , the moon… do some affirmations and constantly repeat them in your head
Its all about stages … don’t run before you are steady enough on your feet to walk strong
Never give up hope … it can be done
xx

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