Freedomfighter

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Gemma, not sure how long ago since you posted this line but I just wanted to say congratulations on going to the interview. You have every right to be extremely proud of yourself. I’m so happy for you and so inspired by your achievements. There’s hope for us all I guess 😊
Keep up the good work! Love and respect ❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Maddog, thanks for your support. I’m sorry you had such a rough time and broke under the stress, I’ve been there too reduced to a quivering, crying wreck unable to even care for my own basic needs. Luckily I had all of you ladies, women’s aid, the helplines, found an understanding and supportive GP, family and a few close friends I confided in. I’m getting there slowly, gathering the pieces of myself and my life up and starting to put them back together piece by piece. I have a fantastic work coach who is so supportive too. I have a brilliant network of guardian angels who are helping me through this. I feel so very lucky to have this network and all of you lovely ladies on the forum. I don’t know how women manage to escape without it. Those who have no one to turn to. I felt like that for so many years and felt so trapped and void of hope.
I’m so glad you have managed to get free of your husband. As you say it’s such a huge relief when mine is in work or I escape for a while. I have hope now. I know that one day soon I will be free. The future, alone scares me rigid, but at least I will have some control over my life. Most importantly I have hope now, something I didn’t have for such a long time. Good luck with your journey too, we will all get through this and be stronger women for it. I intend to help others like us once I’m finally free and strong enough. I believe that’s why I’ve had to struggle through this journey, to be able to help others in the future, to help raise awareness of this huge problem not just the abuse but also the struggle to get help with the psychological and emotional damage they caused. Having this vision to one day be in a position to help change and tackle this is what’s giving me the strength to keep fighting for my freedom. We will not only survive but we will thrive in the end! Sending you hugs and strength on your journey ❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks so much ladies, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond and thank you all for your support. I’ve been trying to survive and prepare myself for mediation. So dreading it I’ve been ill with IBS and nerves flaring up again. Exhausting!
Kip, thanks for your advice. My solicitors has been pressing his to get him moving, but he’s been using (detail removed by moderator) to keep delaying. Being me I agreed to give him time.
We’ve had first mediation now and tried the same tactics with the mediator but he wasn’t phased by my husband and has finally managed to get the financial documents he needed so we can move forward. My husband is so angry he’s avoiding me. Sure sign of how mad he is. He can’t trust himself to be in the same place as me. Luckily for me he is still refusing to accept that he’s done anything wrong or that he manipulates any controls me let alone bullies and intimidates me with his temper yelling and swearing in my face. I’ve been amazed at his level of self control. I’m not taking any risks though I have my escape plan, emergency numbers etc and somewhere to go if his self control dissolves.
No escape, sorry to hear you’re struggling with the same situation. There is help available for us though. My lawyer has applied for help for me and been granted it. Basically he advises me and helps me through the divorce and once the financial settlement has been settled I pay him from the money the judge awards me. Some things I get free and don’t have to pay back like mediation. I have legal aid for that part which is why I agreed to it. I also get advice and support from my local Women’s aid group and there’s Citizens advice who help and advise too. Have you tried phoning them? I was like you believing I was trapped for ever. It’s not true. There’s help and support out there despite owning half the house so having assets. There’s even ways to get financial help from benefits when domestic abuse is involved. It’s taken time and several attempts, some people are more helpful than others, but if you keep explaining the situation and asking for help it’s definitely possible. Don’t give up hope, it’s just a matter of finding the right path for you and contacting the right people. It’s really hard at first to open up and ask people for help and admitting your problems, but it’s worth it to get yourself and your children to safety and start a better, happier life together away from the fear and worry. Please keep reaching out for help and advice. Sometimes there’s stumbling blocks, but keep going and you will get there. Good luck with your journey. We all deserve to be free, safe and happy. Big hugs 😊

[Freedomfighter]

Hi, unfortunately they don’t like it when we start being independent, succeeding at anything. They want us to be dependent on them, have total control over our lives..when we get a little of that control back they fight back ruining what we’re trying to do. Your partner sounds just like mine did years ago. Now he doesn’t even bother to apologise just blames me for his behaviour, his drinking etc. Even his lies are apparently my fault because he says I’m not mentally or emotionally capable of dealing with the truth!They have excuses for everything and never take responsibility, even when they say sorry they go on to blame us or work or something. It’s never their fault. It’s designed to make us feel sorry for them and forgive them again.
Talk to Women’s aid and get a plan in place. It gives you peace of mind and support and courage, but they don’t pressure you, just listen and help you get the right support for your needs. You are in control and the decision to leave is yours when You are ready. Good luck with your journey. Keep posting ❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Kip,
He is hardly ever here since I filed, which suits me. Usually at least one of my sons is home and my eldest has a big dog who is very protective of me and follows me like a shadow all day. He doesn’t like my husband coming near me, let alone shouting.
He is being extremely controlled and composed barely raises his voice. Not his usual self at all. I think he knows I won’t stand for it anymore and it would prove my reasons for divorce. He is strongly denying everything. He won’t risk his reputation.
I’m not dismissing the possibility, he’s been violent before, but the physical abuse was all at the start. Once I had the boys I knew I had to stand up to him for their sake and would step in between him and my sons even when they were adults. He would pick a fight with them if I was not being an obedient, loving wife.
I’m not afraid of him physically, just psychologically and emotionally. I know what he’s capable of. I know he’s going to try to destroy me emotionally and drag my name through the mud and try to turn everyone against me.
I keep telling myself the advice you and others have given me. They’re only words and anyone who knows me and matters will know his lies are just that. I know it’ll hurt all the same, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay..
Thanks for your support. I will continue to be vigilant and watch for warning signs. I have my emergency numbers on my phone and keep it charged and with me.
To freedom!❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Benson,
I’m feeling your pain and sending you big hugs. It feels impossible trying to fill in paper work and forms at the best of times, but recalling traumatic experiences is the hardest. It leaves you feeling emotionally drained and raw.
I think it was Kip who said to try using bullet points, that worked for me. You can can go back after and fill in a bit more details.
The vicious lies are all designed to cause maximum pain and anxiety. Mine has been telling me for decades no one will believe me, everyone knows I’m mentally unstable, overly sensitive and hysterical. He’s been telling me I’m paranoid and delusional for nearly two decades. At one of my lowest points I started to wonder if I was. But 2 GP’s, a counsellor, 2 lawyers and a women’s aid worker have all believed me. You know the truth, we all believe you and believe in you. You have achieved amazing things already, . I bet like me you thought you’d never get this far. But we have, and we are capable of so much more. It’s only their poisonous lies and constant put downs that make us doubt ourselves. Together we can and will break free and not only survive but we will thrive and become the strong independent women we were always meant to be.
Love, strength and courage ❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Poets corner,
Unfortunately they can all be nice, kind, thoughtful, loving, considerate etc when it suits them. When they want to draw you back into the fold, when they want something etc. But they don’t bother to be nice when we want them to be, when we’re in pain, exhausted, upset etc.
My husband can control his temper extremely well when he chooses to, yet for decades he would fly off the handle for the slightest things with me or the children. With anyone else he would wait until we got in the car or got home.
They are excellent actors, liars, manipulators.
Yes they can change, while it suits their purpose. But they will never willingly give up their control over us. I’m fighting mine for a divorce, but he is using every trick in the book to try to get me to drop the divorce process. He is stalling, pleading, managed some how to get my lawyer’s boss to drop my case so I had to find a new lawyer. I think he’s been using my phone or hacked into my email account and binned my emails from my new lawyer and has been sending emails to women on a dating site sending photos and messages. He’s really freaky and scary sometimes. I wouldn’t trust my husband as far as I can throw him, but for decades I did with my money, that he was telling me the truth about where he was going, that we were broke, that he wasn’t having affairs etc. Thankfully I see him for what he is now. A predators who enjoys hurting, using and humiliating me.
I will get free of this man no matter how long it takes.
Put yourself and your children first, think of your own happiness. He probably knows now that you’re thinking of leaving and will say what ever he needs to in order to keep you there. Keep that in mind when you make your decision. There’s no harm continuing to make your plans to leave. You can go wherever you are ready or need a quick escape. Women’s aid can help you put an emergency escape plan together. They don’t pressure you, but they will support and advise you, put you in touch with people who can help etc. It’s good to feel you have an exit plan especially when you’re feeling trapped.
Good luck with your journey. Hugs 🤗

[Freedomfighter]

Hi cloudyday
Sending you hugs. You’re not missing Him, you are missing the illusion he built of your perfect husband.
Mine asked what my perfect partner would be early on. It was nothing like him! He cleverly made subtle changes empathising all his good points etc. Playing down his faults and pointing out all my faults etc. They are experts at promoting themselves and creating images of being so wonderful. It’s not real. They are also expert liars and believe they really are wonderful. They’re not, they are actually selfish, cruel egotists who don’t care about anything or anybody except how they can exploit them for their own benefit. It’s a harsh reality to accept and yes it does leave you feeling empty, unloved and whether they ever really loved us.
I honestly don’t think my husband is capable of loving someone, I don’t even think he loves himself half the time. He just doesn’t seem human sometimes, like some kind of robot or alien, void of normal feelings and emotions.
My heart goes out to you, it’s a horrible experience to have to go through. Keep reading and posting, it helps to put the pieces of the puzzle into place and understanding what’s been going on. Try phoning the helplines, those ladies have been so supportive and helpful. Are you in touch with your local Women’s aid group? They’ve been very supportive and helpful too. Counselling was really helpful with helping me understand and come to terms with his behaviour and my own.
It takes time, but as you distance yourself from their toxic influence and things become clearer, it’s easier to deal with. You still get bad days when you long for the dream and wonder if only…. But my dream of being loved and feeling safe and secure with someone I love, can never come true with my husband. I’m in the process of divorcing him, but he’s stalling, fighting, playing dirty tricks and lying through his teeth. I’ll get there eventually and my freedom will be all the sweeter for having had to fight so hard.
Good luck with your journey and keep reminding yourself that none of us deserve to be treated with cruelty, be afraid and feel unloved. We all deserve to be happy, healthy and feel safe and free to make our own choices. Hugs and best wishes. You can do this 😊

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anotherlife,
You sound exactly like me a year ago. I’m so sorry you’re so sick of taking all the blame, always being in the wrong, having to do all the house work, child care etc etc. You know you want to leave, that you need to leave because things will just get worse for you and your children, but you’re scared, how can you possibly manage on your own etc. That’s exactly how I felt.
What you have to realise is that you can manage perfectly well, you’re already doing it. By the sounds of it you are the same as me and doing everything around the house, child care, running around, shopping, cooking, laundry, gardening, decorating etc etc. Mine pays the bills and that’s it. Well he’d have to pay maintenance for the children anyway so what benefits are there for staying with him? Rows, hassle, extra mess and work, constantly moaning, picking faults, upsetting the children etc etc. If I can find the courage to divorce my husband I’m sure you can too. There’s so much help and support and we all deserve to be happy. But these abusers are so selfish and self absorbed they don’t even think about what we want or need, it’s unimportant to them since we don’t matter to them.
They take everything we have to give and then take what’s left until we are just empty, broken shells. Then they have the nerve to complain we’ve let ourselves go!!!!
They are never satisfied, you jump through one hoop for them and they’ve already got two more waiting.
Start planning, speak to your local Women’s aid group about making a safe exit plan for you and the children. You don’t have to do anything, make any big decisions etc, they didn’t put any pressure on me just gave me lots of support and advice and numbers of people who could help with various problems etc.
It’s never too soon to start planning, then when you’re ready to make the decision to leave, you will be prepared and able to leave. It’s actually very empowering to know you have some control over your life. They take away all our power, control, confidence, self worth etc. Start taking it back, even if you don’t leave for a while.
Good luck with your journey. Love and hugs ❤️

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Shine bright 2
So sorry to hear what you’ve been through and are still trying to deal with. Regarding your question about counselling, SunshineRainflower is right, it depends a lot on the counsellor, but also how you feel with them. You mentioned about feeling worse after. Unfortunately this can be the case I’ve found. Taking about traumatic experiences brings back the memories of how you felt at the time, so if you felt like me terrified, confused, ashamed etc etc. However with a good counsellor they can help you understand the way you feel, the questions, doubts, fears etc and come to terms with what happened and to realise it is not your fault, no one deserves to be raped especially by someone who is supposed to love and protect you.
It’s not an easy quick solution to the nightmare of trying to come to terms with what happened to you. For me it was worse because he tried to rape me before we were married, then made out that it was a misunderstanding and that when I passed out later I’d had a nightmare because I’d got it into my head that he’d tried to rape me. He’d force fed me half a litre of neat vodka during the attempt ‘to calm me down because I was hysterical and trying to scream’
Later he coerced me into having sex to prove I believed him. I was too scared to argue at the time but he told me after that I couldn’t really have believed he’d tried to rape me, or I wouldn’t have ‘agreed’ to have sex after and couldn’t I see how ridiculous that sounds?
I knew that even if he had tried to rape me, no one would believe me.
I was so confused I couldn’t be sure. I ended up marrying him. It wasn’t until a few years later when he got me really drunk with spiked cocktails that he managed to rape me that I realised I’d been right the first time. I was planning to leave him when I found out I was pregnant.
I buried the memories of both incidents. It was the only way I could deal with it on my own- pretend it never happened. So to drag it all back up in Therapy after decades of suppressing the memories was traumatic. I couldn’t understand why I’d even married him let alone stayed with him for decades. She helped me understand that I was looking at the actions of a teenager with the hindsight of a mature woman. That I now knew what my husband was really like whereas back then I was totally taken in by his mask and lies. Therapy has helped me enormously, but I know some people just aren’t ready to face their demons yet.
Good luck what ever you decide. I hope this chapter of your life will be much happier. Hugs
PS Miss Greer is a very strong opinionated and confident woman, her perspective on life is very different to most women’s. Or maybe she’s just a control freak and can’t accept that someone raped her talking away her freedom of choice, or maybe she has never been raped! At the end of the day, her opinion doesn’t alter what happened to you or me or how traumatic the experience was for us. We are the ones who have to deal with the scars and move on with our lives. I doubt any of the ladies on here would agree with her opinions.

[Freedomfighter]

It’s unbelievable! At least it should be in this day and age. Unfortunately many of us know exactly what you mean and how you feel.
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and hold on to your anger to get you through this. You have the love, support and understanding of all of us.
Sending you hugs

[Freedomfighter]

It’s the same with mine. He’s constantly telling me there’s no money, no savings, we barely get by from month to month.
Yet he’s had two holidays abroad in the past (Detail removed by Moderator) months, bought himself a sports car, bails his dad and our eldest out with cash yet there’s no money for repairs on the house.
I know I’ll never see a penny of the money he’s hidden away under his dad’s name, but I’m determined to have my share of the house. Apart from handing over my wages to him for decades I’m the one who buys all the paint, soft furnishings etc and does all the house work, decorating and gardening, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I’ve earned it in blood sweat and tears.
Stay strong and keep fighting for your half! Mine sees the house as his because he earns more, but does nothing. He believes he is above house work and decorating etc. Well he will have to start paying someone then, because I’m not sticking around to do it anymore.
Good luck, let your lawyer do the battling for you, they aren’t soft like us😉

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,
These men are experts at manipulating us and exploiting our weaknesses- our children and our hearts. Stick to your guns, give him an ultimatum, 3rd party or you don’t see the children.
He knows which buttons to press. He knows you will weaken face to face. Don’t let him control the situation. You have made your decision, you left. That takes a huge amount of courage and strength. Well done, you should be proud of yourself. He lost the first fight, but he’s looking to win the next, getting you back any way he can.
Stay strong and in control. Sending you hugs

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Metoo,
I’m so very sorry you’ve had to go through all this trauma. Your employers have let you down appallingly. Phone your union rep if you’re a member or the lawyer who represented you previously. It truly is disgusting that you were put in such danger in the first place, but now also dealing with the flashbacks. Have you tried phoning the helplines? It can be hard when they are busy, but they will ring back if you leave a message. Keep posting and getting support here too. It can take a while for responses to come through some times, not everyone visits the forum daily. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and sending you hugs.

[Freedomfighter]

I know exactly what you mean. I have to keep convincing myself that I can do this, I can do whatever it takes to break free, survive, even heal and thrive after. Most of the time I manage to succeed to some extent, but others I’m full of doubt and fear, days when he’s in my head reducing me to the helpless, hopeless wreck I’ve been for years.
Sending you hugs, strength and courage to believe in yourself. Keep up the good work. We can do this 😊

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