Galabeee

[Galabeee]

Thank you everyone….
Oh I so relate to the mind playing tricks @ ocean and being drawn back and fearing that last jump @earlygrey . No judgement here… its really really tough . I have kept things written down and gone back over them as well as friends reminding me how tough it was….

@Phenomenon it’s early early days ( I think I was functioning on autopilot the first few weeks out ) .. it’s really hard but I think staying in the amount of (daily) contact I did probably made it much much harder to then make any decisions or hear my own voice/ experiences in it all ..

I know the next steps and the only way out is through this and not going back , its just finding the courage to do it

g x

[Galabeee]

Thank you so much . I don’t always feel strong , and there is a really strongly held belief from him that I’ve been selfish and leaving is just another example of this…
I haven’t (yet) gone no contact which is probably part of the problem and I do have things that happened written down but it’s hard to keep track of them in my head which just feels like a fuzzy mess a lot of the time.
I’m hoping if I just keep taking steps forward I’ll get there.
x

[Galabeee]

Hi @Happybelle
Yes I get this too – things that were all consuming at the time fading (or me forgetting completely) – I think maybe as not living in survival mode all the time. Maybe your mind has space to think of other things and let them in when it’s not constantly trying to figure out how to be/stay safe (or leave) .

It might not be either or… but as you say I think brains are very clever too at trying to block out just how bad it was . I felt like I was in a fog/ dream like state for quite a long time after leaving (and I’m yet to make it final – I’ve not gone back but it feels quite temporary in terms of nothing is very secure my end) . It’s starting to feel like I’m a bit more grounded now but I think I’m a bit numb at times to how bad things got/ how scared I felt at the time.
You aren’t on your own feeling this way .
g x

[Galabeee]

I didn’t want to read and run… I can relate to so much of what you have written, though I’m a few months ahead now. Trying to do the opposite of what I *feel* like doing (I so hear the not feeling like I want to get out of bed/ work etc.. / exercise ) .. and reaching out to friends (even some I’ve had to boundary that I won’t be talking about what’s going on as people seeing it, as you say as a “routine” (whilst still absolutely painful) relationship breakup) …

Counselling has helped- with the right person and as Texas says, someone who “gets” trauma… this is whole layers of trauma/ loss/ grief/ fear and questioning yourself within that (“who was this person? who was the person I thought they with? how did I share my home/ life/ bed with them? “) . This is huge stuff…its okay to take as long as it needs with the impact.

You are not on your own
g x

[Galabeee]

I’m glad you are safe and your children are too @hereforhelp
It is hard as it feels like friends begin to drop away or at least maybe think you are “Okay” ( whatever that means anyway) …. I’m glad you have support and are feeling stronger physically and mentally but this is exhausting stuff for sure..
g x

[Galabeee]

I know it feels scary Pineapplepie , its a big thing to do , even when it’s needed and the right thing, and it’s hard to start telling people.
I left a little while ago, but it took me a while and a few false starts… its really a big thing. Even having left there are still things to deal with but it’s not the 24/7 of it I was living in before…
Start by getting support for you- online chat and your local DA services is a really good first step to start letting someone in on what’s been going on . You can reach out at your pace but I’d really encourage you to talk with someone (even anonymously ) . You’ve taken a really brave step in posting here. The strangling is very scary , must have been terrifying for you. You haven’t done anything wrong .
Keep reaching out.
xx

[Galabeee]

Hi @RubberDuckster
I hear you on how hard it feels to leave your pup … and at the same time the urgency and need for you to leave. I stayed a lot longer than perhaps was “good” to find somewhere I could take mine but I don’t think that is the only ( or necessarily best) option. The dogs trust as Allornothing has said has a specialist fostering scheme for exactly this situation so might be worth giving them a ring (even if you decide you don’t want to use it it might help get thoughts/ options straight)

I know how much dogs mean to us and keep us going through these situations and it’s not an easy choice at all as what’s for the best for everyone
x

[Galabeee]

Thank you for posting this @pookie1
I’m very early days of leaving and also in the phase of being asked to come back , requests for counselling etc.. (no apologies or acknowledgement ) …I still feel “emotionally” in the relationship even though physically I’m not and it’s good to hear life a year on is more positive…
thank you x

[Galabeee]

Thank you from here too, am really needing hope to stick with it all at the moment .
g x

[Galabeee]

Happy New Year to you too I’m hopeful too this is the year your new life can begin (as well as for all of us!)
x

[Galabeee]

Oh nbumblebee I’m so sorry things have been worse. It’s not okay for him to be going through your phone – when you see you counsellor next are you able to let them know what’s been going on , could they help you make a plan? I didn’t know where to start when thinking about leaving or even if any of it was really abuse… it’s so hard to see the next step sometimes.
Keep reaching out x

[Galabeee]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way . I understand the feeling of just wanting an “easier” life and to do as they say/ want… and make yourself so small that things feel like they will be “ok” – except I think you know too that taking away all the things that get you out (gym and work ) will likely make you feel even less okay.
Have you been in touch (even via the chat? ) with your local women’s aid at all? I did eventually before leaving and I think just saying it out loud to someone really helped see from the outside how not okay things were…
It’s a different “hard” now but nothing like living together was.
I’m not sure how old your kids are? My guess is they pick up on how hard things are at some level … you aren’t responsible for breaking up their home, you are keeping yourself (and in turn them) safe, and that is something to be proud of.
How can we help? x

[Galabeee]

I think the loneliness and missing the good times is a really hard thing to manage….its so hard not to question whether it was “always” that bad or whether it’s “justified” in leaving.

I think it’s reminding myself it doesn’t have to be a choice between being lonely or being back in the relationship (loneliness can be sorted other ways I guess) . I had a better day today seeing friends and a reminder than I’m not always alone…

[Galabeee]

Thank you minimeerkat. I think the comments are well meaning but they’ve definitely made me question my decision even though I knew I couldn’t live that way anymore. I’m on the waiting list for counselling with local women’s aid services but I’m starting to worry if they are going to think I’m just being stupid and exagerating to think any of this is “abusive” . I hope I can stay strong too .. I haven’t done anything in terms of contact yet…It just has been a really hard couple of days.
Thank you so much for your reply
x

[Galabeee]

Thank you @Stronglife. I’m glad that counselling has helped. I did have some earlier in the year and am on the waiting list with local DA services now . Sports /socialising and coffee is all a good call! Definitely lots to add to the ideas for 2024! It’s been such a whirlwind this year that I haven’t really had time again to find my feet and figure out what I’m really doing, but I want that to be different … and get some more routine and health back (am hoping the exercise and maybe cooking better things too will help!) …
It’s been a strange (but not bad) Christmas – not as lonely as I’d worried about being on my “own” (I wasn’t the whole time and saw friends and family too) … it’s reminded me I’m still “me” in there somewhere (even if a bit battered and bruised emotionally) …

I still need to have more conversations with ex in the NY which I’m dreading… I still feel despite the strength it took to leave and the strength I’m building now the thought of the anger and just any difficult discussion makes me freeze….

But , will get there I’m sure…

[Galabeee]

Thank you for this message and for all the support over this time and before. This forum has honestly been a lifeline and navigating the festive period having left recently has been more difficult at times than I thought (as well as lots of moments of joy and surprise at what it CAN be like) ..
Thank you to all of you and here’s to a safe and healthy 2024 for everyone

[Galabeee]

I hear you …. the car journeys, angry silence, aggressive swearing/anger at other drivers – they wouldn’t see it but it would fill up the car with even more anger and make me so on edge.. ( he almost always drove and if not I’d be on edge being criticized/ “watched” for how I was driving….) ..I’m not too long out but there are so many things I’m questioning now of “oh I CAN do this” .. or enjoying making my own decisions about/ doing my own way …. its hard and bittersweet in lot of ways too though……..

[Galabeee]

I don’t have a huge amount of practical advice as sounds like you’ve done what you can already in contacting police (sorry there response was so unhelpful) and forum owner about what’s happening… though the responses from both these places (that you’d hope would be able to help) don’t sound very helpful…. I’m glad the stalking helpline gave some validation and resources.
It’s a kind of violation that the fear and horror of them just “being there” (whether online, in person or anywhere else that is “yours” without you knowing) feels so un-nerving… I wont go into details here but it’s one of the biggest and most frightening part (moreso than the anger and explosions ) for me…
Take care of yourself
x

[Galabeee]

Good luck and stay strong , sounds like it’s been a tough journey .
Another one here waiting for 2024 to be a much better year
x

[Galabeee]

Well done Lostnalone ..
I am with you on the days of not being able to breathe and I’m so glad you have counselling sorted.. well done and I’m so glad you are feeling some relief.
x

[Galabeee]

Hawthorn, Happybelle and all you amazing ladies on here..
I’m very newly out too , and the idea of ever letting someone in/ trusting them in a relationship again seems way off…
But it’s so good to read how things are for those further on..
Hawthorn your post is inspiring…. I am at the very beginning of where you describe right now (keep putting off getting back in touch with local DA services ) .. the idea that I could get anywhere near back to the peace you are describing gives a lot of hope – thank you.
Happybelle I hope you are ok, it’s understandable to feel nervous / worried about relationships (and also you have a choice .. I guess that’s the big difference too!)

[Galabeee]

Thank you Atsah
I’m so glad you were able to get out too.
Yep doing everything on my own can be exhausting…and I’m noticing lots of times I’ll go to do something ( or not do something) out of second guessing his reaction …
I feel so angry I’ve wasted so many years and now I’m in this horrible limbo ( even though I’ve left physically) of having to build something new …and not knowing what that is or what it’ll look like …

[Galabeee]

I’m so glad you were able to speak with family and I hope that they were supportive (or at least not unsupportive – I have found that some people in my life have tried to put this in the box of “times all relationships go through” which isn’t very helpful) ..
Keep talking, if you get a chance to use the computer when he is out (or have a phone with data? ) the women’s aid chat can be a lifesaver too .
It can be so hard to leave when they seem back to “loving” mode – I did …. it nearly stopped me so many times but I HAD to get out (for my own sanity/self as much as anything else)

[Galabeee]

thank you , it’s been a tough week but you are right I need to trust that instinct in me that tis isn’t okay x

[Galabeee]

Thank you @minimeerkat that’s definitely how it feels lost without a compass and not being sure who I am , and not being sure who I am not in relation to him and his moods and wanting to try and appease. I do agree with you both that the bad days are nowhere near as bad – they are hard in a different way sure, but not bad in the same way!
g x

[Galabeee]

I’m sorry nbumblebee that you’ve had such a tough time lately too 🙁
I actually had a nicer Christmas and Boxing day than in years not dealing with silence/ moods (Wasn’t always but more often lately) .
Taking a look through the old posts is a good idea … or old diary entries maybe as I was purposely trying to not be too specific/ identifying.
I don’t want to be back in a position of wondering what to do next or feeling like I have to leave again… it was so hard..
Look after yourself too x

[Galabeee]

So sorry you are going through this too sweet4 , it’s really hard. I hope you have some support x

[Galabeee]

Thank you watersprite..
Yes I can remember how it felt when things were really bad… the dread and knot in my stomach all the time, I had no appetite, lost quite a lot of weight, was definitely wanting to numb out all time and felt like I just didn’t know myself anymore..
Yes a long relationship and complete blindside in so many ways… I’m hanging onto it being/ getting better over time. I’m sure it will…
I kept thinking the good spells were the “real” relationship and desperately trying to get that back or do the right thing that will make him “stay” that way …

Thank you – I think the loneliness is driving the questions (rather than I think that the relationship is one to go back to)

[Galabeee]

Thank you , I’m definitely hoping for a brighter future… It feels a bit sad right now.. yes grieving for the life I thought I had (or person) or was my future. I don’t want to go back or undo all the work that it has taken to get to the point of leaving… but it is so hard when he is so convincing that it was “communication” or “Me” that was the issue…
Thank you for reminding me that the mindset for him is unlikely to change…
g x

[Galabeee]

Thank you . I will look into counselling in the meantime. I think once the world goes back to “Normal” tomorrow and there is routine back it will be a little better , without everyone doing the relationship / family “pressure” of Christmas. No people don’t know / understand how bad it was and how scared I felt of him by the time I left… but I start to doubt myself when people start viewing or talking about it as a marriage that might be able to “Put back together” so to speak..
Reading back on old posts/ diary entries is a good idea . I was purposefully a bit vague here just in case anything became obvious online…
Thank you – I feel a little better this morning and didn’t cave into any additional contact or anything yesterday x

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