Gemma

[Gemma]

Hi eggshells.,

I did start having counselling. I went private as the wiring list on the NHS is months long. I had 4 sessions, but was struggling with the cost so haven’t had anymore in a couple of months. The counsellor wanted to focus on what she called changing my distorted thinking. As in assuming the worst. Negative to reinforcing positive. Assuming I could read his mind.

I’m a (detail removed by moderator) and done lot of personal work. So I understand the importance of positive thinking (detail removed by moderator). I frequently give myself a good talking to mentally, as in keeping things in proportion and not grounded u reality and not fear based. But the anxiety grips me hard and I panic and struggled. Honestly sometimes I wished I’d stayed on my own. I’d done so well. Gained a lot of confidence from starting a new career path. Living on my own first time ever knowing I could and support myself. I didn’t want a relationship. But my now fiance was persistent and patient and became my friend foremost. I resisted for (detail removed by moderator) loved him but get him at arms length. I felt in control then. But once I fully committed and we moved in together, after about (detail removed by moderator), this horrible insecurity and fear started. And I can’t shake it off.

[Gemma]

Hi Kip,

Your right, it is too fast. It seems to have got serious very fast. He says he loves me very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We are both (detail removed by moderator) so not young and there is that feeling of not being able to waste time. My feelings for him are also intense, and marriage has been discussed.

I just don’t understand why my feelings tend to fluctuate between feeling very much in love to feeling claustrophobic and anxious. He is nothing like my ex. He loves that I work and am independent. He knows my children and grandchildren will always come first, and thinks that’s how it should be. He is very gentle and kind. And yet.. there is a part of me that is worried about the intensity of it. Of my feelings which can be just as ardent as his. With my ex, everything was extremely intense from the start. We moved in together really quickly. I see these parallels and I think that’s what scares me and worry that’s it’s normal and healthy.. people can I know fall in love quickly. But I do not want to lose myself again. As I said he is nothing like my ex.. but the intensity of it reminds me of the early days of my past toxic one in the honeymoon period, but without the possessive and jealous behaviour.

Or am I just overthinking it and anxious for nothing. By the way he has said we shouldn’t live together until and unless I M 100 percent sure.

[Gemma]

Hi, what EbonyRaven just said about the shouting, ranting at you in front of the kids, was what jumped out at me too. It’s totally over the top, rude and disrespectful. Your not getting upset at this behaviour because if your ex. Anyone, would be hurt and upset by it, because it’s horrible. There is no excuse for it. However what he is doing is manipulating you, by saying it’s your past experiences making you over react. That’s utter rubbish.

This is a red flag situation, full stop. The only positive I have been able to take from my past experience in a coercive abusive relationship …is lessons learned, the hard way. First sign of a red flag and I am out of that situation. I was fortunate, in that my ex and I had no children together. But your kids have been through enough. So if not for you, think of them. If you have boys. It’s not ok for men to treat a woman this way. Definitely no shouting and ranting. If you have girls. Show them you won’t be disrespected by a man or anyone. I haven’t been in a relationship since I split from my ex. It’s nearly a year. And to be honest, I don’t know if I ever will be. First time in my life I have lived alone, and in the beginning it was hard and scary. Yes, financially the onus is all on me. But I would rather that and live free od fear, or of having to ask someone permission to do anything.. it’s worth it a million times over. Don’t go down that road again sweetheart, you are worthy of so much more. Don’t settle for anything less,

Love
Gemma

[Gemma]

I do get how you feel. When we are feeling exhausted and lonely, it’s only too easy to fall into that mindset.

My ex did everything for me. Because he had to be in control of everything. Not because he loved me. He deprived me of self autonomy, of personal choice and expression. He terrorised and intimidated me every time I found the courage to stand up to him, so I became submissive and obedient. I saw the red flags in the first few months. But believed my love could change him. I was so wrong, and the biggest mistake I made was giving him that one last chance. Because he then completely isolated me. I didn’t see my eldest son, my sister and Father for nearly 9 years. A virtual prisoner. It’s insidious.

Please, please don’t weaken. I will never get those years back. My now adult children have forgiven, but will never forget. They don’t respect me. Though they are not unkind. People who have not experienced this type of coercive abusive relationship just can’t understand it. They think we are weak. Mentally unstable. Because how could any mentally strong person either allow someone else to treat them that way, or allow themselves to get in that situation in the first place. And to be honest that is what I struggle with every day. Why, did I do it. Why did I allow it to happen and continue fir so long. It drives me mad. I don’t respect myself for it. I hate myself for it. And every day at some point, I grieve for the normal family relationships I threw away for this man who I loved and allowed to treat me so badly.

[Gemma]

Hi Lover if no contact… you have hit the nail on the head there. The pressure to earn an income that allows us to be self sufficient, after years of someone else contrythe money, and in my case not allowing me to work, is so, so hard.

Aside from money management, something I really struggled with. There is the de-skilling aspect. My admin skills were rusty to say the least. Not so much typing speed, I am a touch typist and kept practicing that skill. But the IT and software side of it was completely out of date. This affected my confidence terribly. I felt stupid. My memory was also affected because when I am anxious the ability to retain new information is impaired. But what can you do! I just tried my very best, but all these things I feel contributed to my not being kept on at the end of the probationary period of my first job. The whole experience very stressful. Which knocked my confidence even more.

So I have come away from admin work and applied for anything that is full time, that’s how I cane into care work. I live the job itself, am very much s people person. But, the physicality of it, coupled with the amount of nervous energy I expend, leaves me exhausted mentally as well as physically. I feel constantly under pressure and afraid of being ill. I feel very alone in this. My adult children have their own financial comittments and responsibilities. I have only myself to rely on. Your friend has developed a very good way of dealing with this, one I will try. However I can me having to find another job soon, as though I find care di rewarding, long term I think I could only maintain this type of demanding job fir a limited time, as I am not getting any younger. Though I hate changing jobs so frequently, and it don’t look good on my cv. I don’t want to be seen as a job hopper.

Think you for your really helpful advice. And fir highlighting a big problem fir those of us trying to get back to a normal working life after living such an abnormal life, that became ‘our norm’.

Kind regards
Gemma

[Gemma]

Thank you all for your supportive messages. I wantmenack 😊 I do remember you. I loved your name, because I can remembered the day I realised I didn’t recognise the person I had become. I actually said out loud to myself, I have lost myself, I want me back. That day I believe was the beginning of me digging deep, to find the courage to leave. So my heart went straight out to you. 😊 It means a lot because you all truly understand how I am feeling and why.

I have been thinking of contacting my local woman’s aid again. But I feel guilty about it. As in I know there are others just getting out of the situation I was in. And need their help more than I do. I feel such a fraud and and a whineger in comparison. I just don’t know what to do if I find I just can’t cope. I do feel close to burn out. I am mentally exhausted. There has also been a family issue, which has caused me a lot of stress concerning my youngest son. As I have said before I think in a earlier post, I feel I M just holding it together. But anymore stress and I am afraid everything will come tumbling down. It didn’t help either last week that I heard that my ex has been trying to find ways to contact me and that he knows the town I am in.

That, on top of work and the exhaustion isn’t helping.

[Gemma]

Thank you also Tiffany, Apricotpuppy, itwillbeok and twisted sister. You are all so lovely and kind. In spite of having to deal with your own struggles and challenges. Thank you all so much. Your words of encouragement and support help me get through when it’s been a really hard day.

[Gemma]

Iwantmeback, you are very kind. I definitely think you should write your book 😊 I think ‘youhaveyouback’ 😊

the sad thing for all of us, is that we all found ourselves in this position through looking for love, only we didn’t find it, only a warped version of it. Now as in the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, I am looking forward to falling in love with myself 😊

[Gemma]

I went to the doctors this morning. My repeat prescription was due. And as I am newly registered they wanted me to see a doctor before issuing it.

The lady doctor was concerned my heart rate is too fast, in spite of taking a beta blocker. I have to have an echo. I did tell her a bit about my background. Said in spite of that it’s concerning. I think it’s just everything being a challenge and I am constantly anxious. She never suggested any counselling, just congratulated me on getting on with my life.

And I am sat there thinking, well I am trying but my body and mind are struggling. I know it’s all still new, and yes I agree that my self esteem is low and confidence fragile. It’s so hard to keep things in proportion. My ex was very critical and I still self criticise a lot. Maybe I am doing better than I think, but it’s hard not to think differently. And the memory thing is a worry. I am constantly making notes, then told that I need to keep it brief.

(Detail removed by moderator). I just feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Still trying to please everyone but myself.

Thank you for listening xx

[Gemma]

Thank you to all of you for your replies. It truly does help. You make me feel less alone. Because even though I have adult children who have been very supportive, I do feel alone.

I am physically and mentally exhausted. As I mentioned before, my new job is extremely mentally demanding. I give it 110 percent, but still make mistakes. I may do 50 things right, but as I am still on probation, it’s as if only what I do wrong is highlighted, not what I do right. Sound familiar!!

I don’t even enjoy it, but I need this job, so I can keep my flat. I am feeling low tonight. I remind myself that even though things are hard, it’s me making my own choices. I am free. But mentally I am struggling every day to stay strong. My kids are happy I am working, have my own place. Success. And it is. But it’s only been (detail removed by moderator) months out of over a decade of living a unnatural life. I have living on adrenaline for months and I am exhausted. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. And theta selfish and cruel. And I won’t abandon them again. It’s just so hard. I am so tired.

Thank you for listening.
Xxxx

[Gemma]

Hi iwantmeback,

You say the other day you actually said outloud your leaving. For a woman in your position, who has had years of emotional abuse and intimidation… this is MASSIVE. Psychologically a turning point. I reached that moment. It didn’t matter how or when, the feeling of relief inside of saying it outloud, meant for me at some point it would happen

It took a while. I lost my nerve a few times. But then he pushed me too far. I never thought I had any strength left. Then I discovered I did. We all have a line. Or a point of enough us enough. Trust me you have yours too

I am just over a few months in now since I left. I have had my challenges. But life is a million percent better. I start my new job on Monday. First time I have worked in over a decade. I am terrified, but excited. And this is a different kind of terror. This me now making my own choices. Looking after myself. I don’t need or want anyone else to do that for me. It’s still a novelty having my own money, though I did go a reckless phase and spent more than I should. But the sheer pleasure of buying presents for my children and grandchildren without having to ask permission, or be told what was acceptable or or not was amazing.

I just wanted to say to you that it will happen. Don’t lose faith in yourself. There is a life waiting for you the otherside. Just gather up your courage. It was very brave if you to tell your Doctor. I am here to talk anytime.

Best wishes
Gemma

[Gemma]

Hi, reading your post felt like I was reading My Story. I felt that my love could help him, heal him, save him.

I know he had mental health issues. OCD, Body dismorphia. But live means loving the whole person doesn’t it. Not just bits and pieces we like. Real love is unconditional, right? The love and passion. The soul mate connection was more intense than anything I had ever known. He made me feel truly loved and special. But all I was for him was an obsession and possession. An extension of himself, with no thoughts of her own. Whatever he first saw in me, whatever made him want me, he grew bored with. But not to get rid of, but to try and remake in a new image. His image.

The frightening thing for me is seeing how prolific this type of behaviour is. That it was not unique to us. However, it is also reassuring to see that it wasn’t just me. Because he blamed me, and I blamed me. These men are sick and a danger to women.

I know he will repeat this pattern of behaviour again. It’s too ingrained. We were together over (Detail removed by Moderator) before I found the courage to leave. It was a living nightmare and yet I did not leave. And I hated and despised myself for being so weak. I don’t want anyone else to suffer as I did. Yet I am so grateful he is leaving me alone, I won’t take it further. I do feel responsible for other women he may do this to. But just want to put him behind me.Am I selfish?

[Gemma]

Hi Scalesfell,

I felt exactly the same as you re the uncertainty, indecisiveness and yes panic.

I was isolated from my family. Had no friends as my ex wouldn’t make any. Our abnormal lifestyle became normal. It has only since leaving, and been able to read the posts on here that I learnt about the trauma bond. I am by nature quite a logical person. So I was aware that I was making illogical decisions, and that frightened me. I couldn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense. Which made me worry about my own mental health.

I did wonder if I was experiencing a form of (detail removed by moderator). You know where a captive forms a strong attachment to their captor. Because that is what he was. He wouldn’t let me have any unmonitored contact with my family. Whether it was in the phone or online. He wouldn’t take me to visit them or allow me to go on my own. For years I never saw my eldest son, my father or my sister.

He wouldn’t allow me my own phone, I had to use his. He would not allow me to have money of my own, or to carry any. I had to go to bed when he did. Sometimes he would stay up all night. He fostered absolute dependence. So in the end I did not believe I could function without him anymore.

I honestly believed all this was unique to us. And though the exact circumstances for each of us are different, there is so many similar or exact patterns of behaviour that are the same, it’s a profile of s coercive abuser. So as others have said, and you yourself have said, given your circumstances, you know your indecision is illogical. Your reacting from a place of fear and years of conditioning. My advice would be to ignore your ’emotions’. And to base your decision making in facts and common sense.

Yes it’s scary. But trust me, you will feel more guilt later on for not making the right long term choices for you and your children, then any guilt you might feel for leaving your partner to fend for himself. I know. I left it for years and am now trying to rebuild my relationships with the family I abandoned for him. Years I will never get back. I can tell myself I was caught up in the trauma bond. But no matter how much I come to see that my actions were in part brain chemistry, co dependence and coercion. The guilt of what I put my family through will never leave me. Don’t the mistake I made, by staying long after I should have found a way to leave. Once you leave the blinkers will fall and you will see the situation for what it is and with clarity. Be strong. You can do it.

Love and best wishes
Gemma

[Gemma]

Thank you all so much for your lovely kind words of support and congratulations. It means so much.

I feel so fortunate and still can’t quite believe I’ve got it. Now I am nervous about starting lol. I am having lots of positive self-talks with myself. You know the kind of thing “you can do it. They believe you can do this, so, so should you”. I guess everyone feels like this, when starting a new job don’t they? It’s just for me it’s been so long.

[Gemma]

Needing support, I hear you. It’s not suprising that it takes so long for the affects of being in abusive relationship to lessen to the point where you can put it behind you.

My (detail removed by moderator) son was just short of his (detail removed by moderator) birthday when I started seeing my ex. He ended up living with his Dad. Only seeing me for the I occasional weekend and a few days in the holidays. I virtually abandoned him at a very vulnerable age. The guilt is terrible. But do you know what he said to me. Yeah mum it was hard, and I missed you. But if you let the guilt eat away at you, it will ruin what we have now, and we can’t move forward. How did he get so wise, bless him. I am very lucky. And I am trying to take my son’s advice.

When I find myself looking back, I force myself to look forward. Not just for my sake, but for my kids sake. My ex didn’t just taint my life, it’s the ripple affect on others. And I don’t want that for them anymore. So I rarely mention him now. But I still need some outlet. So will try writing it down. I have found keeping a journal/diary to be cathartic in the past.

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