Hereforhelp

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, you won’t get any closure or accountability from your ex and his behaviour… for non abusive people we can admit our faults, shortfalls or poor behaviour… abusers know what they’re doing and what they have done, which is very difficult to accept.

Him saying it’s because you didn’t love him is another tactic, to get in your head and cause you to reflect or ruminate, please don’t as it wasn’t/isn’t a you problem, it is totally on him (he just turns it on you). He is telling you that unless you stay with him (in an unhappy relationship where he could see you were unhappy) then it is your fault.

This is your time to trust yourself, your choices and to not let him rattle you or get on your head..  you will not get closure with an abuser.

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

You have reached your point of no return in that you see what he is and what he is doing to you..  you have absolutely done the right thing and he will act out as once they sense that you have shifted they adjust their behaviour.  When I was at the stage you are at, my husband went from anger, to victim and pity mode and then tried the usual “how can you tear/rip our family apart think of the kids” ….

Get in touch with your local Domestic Abuse Services, they can help guide and support you, you will need support.  My husband simply wouldn’t leave! It was exhausting as he was trying every trick in the book so he could stay (which I never understood as, if he was as unhappy as he said he was with me then why didn’t he leave?!).

 

Your partner is a classic abuser, yes he will have narc traits but, the difference is abuse is a choice, he knows what he is doing and is chosing to behave this way towards you.

 

Keep posting, you are not alone love

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Legocity2024, reading your post I can hear how unhappy you are in your marriage… I was married the same amount of years as you and I have children.  I was forces ro be a stay at home mum… if you have a mortgage with both your names I would strongly suggest that you speak to a local solictor, if you google your local solictors initial 30 min free, a few should show up.  Also, DA trained are better as they understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive marriage and can help navigate it for you.

Re your question on how to cope financially,  there is help out there…

Your husband refusing to separate is classic, my husband did the same, it took some years for me to finally manage to separate… contact Women’s Aid Live chat, they have lots of advice and can sign post you (without pressure)…  Leaving any relationship is hard, leaving an abusive partner is on another level as they will not accept or respect your decision to separate, even though your partner is showing/telling you that he isn’t happy… itnis crazy but very common… keep reaching out on here as many of us have been in your situation…   you cannot reason with an abuser and you cannot trust what they say…

Have you read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft?.. also, Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven.

 

Rights For Women is a free helpline who can advise you re legalities… if you have a Citizens Advice Bureau in your area (sometimes they hold sessions in libraries) they can help you re benefits.

You are not alone

HFH ❤️

 

 

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, what you have described is classic abuse… taking your trousers off and having sex with you without your consent is rape.  I am so sorry you are experiencing this… he is trying to control you with different tactics, there doesn’t have to be physical violence to be in an abusive relationship.

Why Does He Do This by Lundy Bancroft is a good book  to start with, also, living with the Dominater by Pat Craven.

Keep posting, it is a lot to accept.  I was married for over (detail removed by Moderator) decades, been out a few years now…it took me years to actually leave.

 

Hugs HFF ❤️

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he is choosing to gaslight and treat you as his own emotional punchbag…

If he has mental health issues it is his responsibility to get help and is separate to how he is treating you.  There’s never an excuse to treat your partner the way he is treating you.  Id he was raised by a controlling parent then you wouod think he would know how destructive controlling behaviour is.

Have you reached out to Live Women’s Aid Chat? They can be helpful.

Keep posting xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, as mentioned by Bananaboat to get in touch with Women’s Aid for support, they won’t pressure you to do  anything but they do understand.

 

You and your daughter come together, he has already expressed his dislike of your child… that’s him trying to fully control you and him not caring in the slightest if that hurts you (and it would obviously hurt your daugjter)…

 

If you picked the option which he wants he still wouldn’t be happy, it won’t be enough and he will keep on moving the goalposts.

Put your daughter and her needs before his, it is a boundary which your partner is wanting to break, don’t allow it.

 

Keep posting xxx

 

 

[Hereforhelp]

Ps… Rights for Women is a free legal helpline, also a good point of.contact to find out ypur legal rights.

 

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi,

To keep you on standby to service his sexual needs as and when he wants is all about control, as of course that’s not healthy and will also impact you and you MH… my ex husband put so much pressure on me to have sex that sometimes it was easier for me to give in to his demands to keep the peace (although it was just temporary reprieves until the next time)…

Also, when you feel that things are getting better between you.and he then ruins that, it is what they all do as it keeps you confused as happiness for you is not what he wants, only his needs and wants matter to him, I am sorry to be blunt but this is a common tactic used by abusive men.

 

You could speak to Women’s Aid, they can advise and support you without pressure of you leaving… also, if both your names are on the tenancy/with housing association he could be forced to leave… I understand how scary it is to speak to anyone about the abuse and his behaviours but, you do not have to protect him, he is choosing to treat you this way. He knows what he is doing is wrong and why should you accept it?

 

Like you, my ex husband made it clear that he wasn’t happy at home, with me (would. Criticise my charactor and trll me i was mad, useless and over a period of decades), our children were in the way etc etc… this attitude of his never changed, he would apologise but with an excuse (he was tired, stressed etc) so he actually never took responsibility for his actions)…

Yes you can declare yourself homeless due to DA and am sure some women on this forum who habe been through this can advise you, for now, I would suggest contacting Women’s Aid online chat, they won’t pressure you and it is confidential so a good place to start to talk about what you are going through.

It is crazy, as in a healthy relationship which breaks down, although still painful as all break ups are painful but, being in a relationship with an abusive partner and wanting to separate is something else completely as they do not want to leave.and it is all about them…my husband had a massive sense of entitlement.

You are not alone and there’s help out there, keep pushing forward and.trust your gut, if it feels wrong, it is wrong

Xxx

[Hereforhelp]

DA is so misunderstood, you are right, to understand what it is like to be controlled without fully understanding how that happened as it builds up…. the triggers are real and it is very painful… I also do not understand how so many people, whether professionals or not just do not understand how deeply the abuse goes and affects us.

 

Xx

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Copperflame, I am so sorry that the counsellor you are seeing doesn’t understand DA/DV… was she meant to be experienced in DA? You have every right to ask her if she is trained/experienced in this area as it us greatly overlooked.  Also, only a counsellor/therapist with DA/DV training would recognise Domestic abuse, just how you now know what it is (trust your gut).

It is a personal decision as to whether to continue seeing her, however,  if it was me, and this counsellor was causing anxiety with her dismissive attitude, I wouldn’t see her.  If you also have DV counselling in the future you will get the correct help

 

DA is massively overlooked and dismissed in society and unless someone is trained in it they will not understand.

 

Having said that, the attitude you have received from your counsellor is very poor… the you ‘should’ let go of the past blah blah… that is very insensitive and not something I would expect from any counsellor…

Like you, I also educated myself on DA, trust your own knowledge and experiences, you know what you have been through and the areas you are struggling with (I am some years out and still struggle with certain elements of the abuse I survived)

 

Massive hugs 🫂

[Hereforhelp]

Pineapple, he is responsible for his behaviour.and I’d his MH is suffering then he knows how to reach out for help, he is an adult who is choosing what to do (which is hold you responsible for his behaviour which is simply untrue).

If you were a horrible person you wouldn’t be on this forum, you are on here trying to understand how and why your partner treats you so badly… how is his choice, why is the golden question really and the answer is because he can.

There are so many women being abused and 1 woman is killed every 3 days in the UK by her partner/ex partner…

As Bananaboat has said, he is escalating and his abuse/tactics will keep ramping up.

 

Non of this is your fault, he is choosing his behaviour and then to blame you… they all blame as these men will not accept responsibility for there actions.

If you get chance to read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do this, it can really help, also Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is another good book (which is based on The Freedom Programme).

❤️

[Hereforhelp]

On the run up to (finally) separating my memory was very bad…. I journalled and, when safe, I would sometimes record my husband and myself when I had something I needed to say to him.  I did that because if I ever mentioned something he said or did had upset me, well, he would talk so much twisting from anger, shock, then he would become a victim and turn everything on me and I horrible I am or how useless, mentally ill… it felt like my brain had been put through a washing machine…

 

Journal’s helped me to trust myself, just enough to separate…. I am some years out now… memory is still fractured, I remember somethings and have massive gaps… I was with him for many many years and I still am affected now but… I am so glad to be out of that marriage and away from him.

 

When I had a support worker she asked me to try to remember the first incident of abuse, the worst incident and the last in incident… that helped me to also accept and understand (I read up on DA/DV so as to have more knowledge) the different types of abuse I had been subjected to.

Keep us updated

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, claiming to be suicidal is a cruel threat to keep you thinking that he is vulnerable… he is using his suicide threats to keep you where you are.. it is a common tactic…  he is an adult, he is responsible for his own Mental Health and if he needs help he can reach out to his GP..   my ex claimed to be suicidal when I made the decision (and he sensedni meant it which is why he claimed to be suicidal).. I rang his GP surgery to tell them my concerns, when he continued to claim to be suicidal.

“Ive never actually said to him that I want to leave, but I dont have to before it gets to this”

He is gagging you and controlling you by saying he is suicidal, in reality, very very few men follow this through, he knows that you are caring and an Empath and is using your kindness against you to hush you up so that you do not leave… that’s not love, if he cared he would get help for himself and not use such a cruel threat.

 

Have you reached out to Women’s Aid chat on here? Thry can help support you without pressure of leaving?

 

Hugs 🫂

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee ❤️ sending you love and hugs xxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, reading your post… it is so hard to accept but, yes, your partner is abusive and is abusing you.

 

What you have listed are all abusive incidents, there is no excuse for your partner to behave that way, he is choosing to do so.  Does he behave that way towards other people or is it behind closed doors?

My husband did all the above and more.. when I tried to talk to him about x,y,z he twisted or ignored what I said and would make it about him.

 

They can all be nice… otherwise we wouldn’t get with them in the first place….abuse tends to be subtle, also they push through our own boundaries…

 

You are not losing your mind, what you describe is Domestic Abuse.  Gaslighting does make you feel like you are losing your mind… it helps to keep a journal..that way you can look back and read your truth.

 

Have you read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? Another good book is Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That.

 

Keep reading up on Domestic Abuse, Podcasts (detail removed by moderator).

 

Once you see the abuse you can’t unsee it.. no matter how hard you try to get along with him it will never be right, goal posts will be moved…abusers have a sense of self Entitlement.

 

Keep posting on here, you’re not alone and not going crazy.

 

Hugs

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, have you looked into the FOG cycle? It is fear, Obligation and Guilt..which can stop you from moving on and is worth a read…

“He’s broke down – cried – blamed his behaviour on drink / drugs. Says he has a lot of demons that he’s trying to fight. How can I walk away when he’s at his lowest”…… That’s him playing to your kindness.and empathy, he knows you will feel sorry for him but, he is an adult who can seek help for his drinking,drugs and Mental Health, that’s upto him… Haa he sought help for his demons? Has he actively started to help himself?

 

Unfortunately, a lot of abusive partners blame Alcohol/drugs/bad childhood experiences as a reason why they abuse.. but… abuse is a choice and not because of drink, drugs or anything else.  Your partner telling you he has changed and crying does sound like a very familiar tactic whereby it becomes about him and how hard life is for him because of X, Y, Z…

I remember forcing myself to have sex with my abusive husband..it left me feeling sick and used…

I can hear ypur anxiety coming across in your thread.. trying to work out what mood he will be in, or if he has started to get moody again etc… he will start again as these men do not change.

Are you keeping a journal? That can be useful.

 

Keep posting

HFH ❤️

 

[Hereforhelp]

Hi,  you have told him multiple times and he is still continuing to put you down, he is making a choice to do so.

He knows you do not find it funny (he also knows it isn’t a funny thing to say)… so he is continuing because he wants to.

You are not being oversensitive.  The changing plans to revolve around his own wants and needs is his entitlement, this is also a red flag.

 

Keep posting xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, you are definitely not going bonkers… you must have felt so afraid, I am so sorry he did this to you.

 

There is no excuse and no, it isn’t normal for people to lash out.  Even worse, he is blaming you for his outburst which is completely untrue but, unfortunately, abusive partners do not to accountability and tend to blame.  He is also trying to normalise his behaviour by saying other people lash out.  He is abusive and he is chosing to behave that way.

Have you had a chat with Women’s Aid online? They are helpful and don’t push you to leave.

 

Keep posting

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

To show what power he holds..you are right In that he does what he wants, he self entitled to do whatever he pleases but you have a different set of rules by him..

The entitlement my husband had was crazy, so irrational!

How are you doing?

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

I had this, lots of his letters started to arrive at my address after we separated… aa it is against the law to open anyone else’s mail, I binned it .. I owe him nothing and he can sort his own mail.  If it is that important he will chase whatever it is up.

 

[Hereforhelp]

Sadly yes, he has raped you.  We often think of rape as screaming no.and pushing the man off etc..

 

You said no, he continued.  My ex husband raped me, I didn’t know at the time, he would also coerce me or become so aggressively moody that I would concede to what he wanted..so as to keep his scary mood away from my children.

It took me some time to accept what he had done to me.  There was a lot of SA.  I couldn’t quite believe it at the time as it was just so awful to accept, along with the other things he did… I am some years put now and have no contact.  I was with him.for half my life.

When I was asked, by a friend who I had confided in, she asked me

“If your daughter experienced the same from a man, what would you call that”

… wow! That was it. like a sledgehammer.

Hugs 🫂

 

[Hereforhelp]

I am some years out now… I had to use the grey rock method towards the end so as to stop being drawn back in and that helped me.  I have had counselling, attended courses… life is better for me and my children as we live without that tension (it made us all ill).

My children are older now and they understand that their father is abusive.  They have learnt about DA and what to look out for in their own relationships (which I am relieved about).

 

My ex husband made a lot of noise about seeing his children,  I didn’t stop him (except when he threatened suicide, another tactic).  He has abandoned them and moved on to his next supply.  I am relieved as all those feelings I had, I was so unsure how to trust myself but I did eventually trust myself and I was right.

 

How are you?

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

I would say that what you have described isn’t subtle abuse, he is controlling you, belittling you… I did have a career when I met my husband.. then we had children and it was expected that I stop work as his business brought in more money…which wasn’t true.. he was able to build his business because I had no choice but be a SAHM… I was expected to wait on him, cook, clean, have sex whenever he wanted (otherwise I was cold, accused of not loving him). He resented me seeing mum friends.. he created an environment which made me emotionally and physically ill..

He will continue to make you feel useless, not good enough and you will not be able to do anything to change this as he will keep moving the goalposts so that you always feel not good enough. These tactics he is using will chip away at your self worth, confuse you and generally keep you feeling rubbish, as that makes him feel powerful (control).

Him banning you to from having a coffee is all about control…you’re an adult, you can have coffee with whoever you want, it doesn’t impact him and he is able to switch off whilst at work from the constant needs of children, he isn’t your keeper but he feels entitled to make these irrational demands.

He wants you to feel 2nd rate to him.

Lundy books are helpful.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Littlepixie, I was with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) also and can empathise with you. You’re grieving the future you thought you had… I grieved for a long time and still do someday’s…
It must have been so hard seeing your ex husband.
What helped me was reaching out to my local Women’s Aid for support and signposting for courses to help and also to mix with other women who are or have been in similar situations.
Your GP may be able to offer counselling or signpost you to a support group.

What I have struggled with is getting to know me, after so many many years of being controlled by him, altering the way I dressed/behaved etc.

Also what helped me was reaching out to local groups (obviously private groups so my ex couldn’t find me). I forced myself to socialise, even just to meet up for a coffee someday.

That pain you feel is hard.. it does start to lesson overtime. Remind yourself of the abuse he put you through, of how unhappy you were. Yes there would’ve been good times, non of us would get with these men if they weren’t ‘nice’ to us in the beginning.

Sending you a massive hug
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

I agree re being an Empath… abusive men tend to target women who are kind, empathise and who are strong..which is why we tend to try so hard to make them better… they take more and more, whatever you do to try to make it work won’t change his behavior as he is making a choice to abuse you.

You do not owe him anything, he is an adult who can make his own decisions and choices. You owe yourself everything sweetie, all he takes and has taken from you is how he will continue to do.

I am so sorry he is lying to you re how he has changed. He wouldn’t be touching you if he had changed as he knows that you’re uncomfortable with him doing that yet he won’t stop doing it.

I can relate to so much of what you have said, including wanting your husband to prove he has changed… that’s when keeping a journal came in use for me, as I truly wanted to believe my husband was sorry, changing his ways… he even had therapy.. he always, without fail would return to his abusive, controlling ways.. and he was never happy no matter what.

Reach out to your local Women’s Aid if you can x

Sending you much love, you’re not alone and never judged on here.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I think it must be a terrible heartache when you are also your abusers carer. Having said that, he is fully responsible for how he has treated you, MH and other medical conditions do not create an abusive person as it is a choice.

You are spot on in that once you say you are done he then pretends to be miraculously better. This is all part of the abuse tactics and isn’t genuine. He sensed a change and reacted accordingly to keep you there for him.

Keep a journal of the abuse and his turn around behaviours as it will show you a pattern.

It is so very rare, unheard of on this forum for these men to change. They are masters at sensing change and will quickly switch up their behaviour to confuse you into believing he has changed The fact he is still touching you sexually when you have asked him not to (also, as your partner he would sense you do not want him to but he is still pushing for what he wants from you sexually)

He will beg and plead for you to stay anytime you want to leave as he wants you there to look after him and to let out his moods on etc.. he doesn’t care if you are happy or not as he is only thinking of his needs and wants without a thought for you.

Can you reach out to Women’s Aid locally? They can help support you without pressure to leave? I found my local WA very helpful…I remained with my abusive husband for over 2 decades, he tried every trick in the book to not leave, not because he loved me and kids as he said but because it suited him.

Keep posting ❤️
HFH

[Hereforhelp]

The Freedom Programme is really helpful. Learning about abuse, podcasts is something I also found really helpful as I didn’t really understand Domestic Abuse and I didn’t trust myself back then. Now I have educated myself I can see the abuse.

“I am in another relationship & we are happy etc but he still manages to rule my life in so many ways and makes me feel selfish for wanting to be happy.”

Ruling your life means he is controlling. Making you feel selfish for wanting to be happy isn’t what a loving partner wants.. a loving partner wants to see you happy.

Trust your gut
Hugs HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, firstly you are not ridiculous at all… your concerns are understandable.

You cannot co parent healthy with an abusive,.controlling partner.. he will continue to coerce you and your children into what suits him. No matter what you do or change it will never be right or enough, he will keep moving the goal posts so you cannot come to an agreement regarding what’s best for your children.

My abusive husband wanted to do mediation, it isn’t recommended in abusive relationships however, at that point, I agreed.

Please contact your local Women’s Aid for support, they can help you. Have you spoken to your GP regarding your own MH? You are going through so much, I am so sorry he is doing this to you and your children.

The love and worry you have for your children is very clear.. non of this is your fault.

His lies to you about his business, money, dating apps is part of the abuse, all of which he choose to do..he is using gaslighting (which massively impacted my MH when my husband did similar).

We become used to being told or made to feel oversensitive or dramatic which can make you double guess. Also, over time you can become desensitised to emotional manipulation,.control etc so it doesn’t seem ‘that’ bad.

Your concerns are valid, he is abusing you and your children and still demanding/doing what he wants without a thought for you.

Why an (detail removed by Moderator)? That’s so strange! My husband would give me utter crap, which someone had given to him for free, and he would expect me to be appreciative of the utter crap..

Take a breath, this isn’t your fault at all, really it isn’t…

What support do you have?

Hugs ❤️ HFH

[Hereforhelp]

Hotmessmama, he is coercing, pressuring and manipulating you to do something which you didn’t want to do… which is Sexual Assault… which would bring up a lot of old feelings you have.
I was SA as a child… married for decades to a very controlling, abusive man… I didn’t know he was SA me but, through educating myself through courses etc I now understand that he did.

To coerce, pressure and manipulate a partner into doing something sexual is illegal . For me, having been r*ped/abused in the past I found it hard to accept it was SA as it ‘wasn’t as bad as before in my past’…

You can drown in an inch of water or a tub of water..the end result is the same.

Keep reaching out xx

[Hereforhelp]

Yes, I had to keep rejecting my husband as wanted to separate… it was awful and I felt awful having to be put in that position again and again…
However, I have some years out now.. what I see looking back is my husband deliberately did whatever he could to worm his way back..he didn’t care that I no longer loved him or how much his behaviours affected our children. He pretended to care and he also had therapy (which he was so vocal about to anyone who would listen).. when I have had therapy I didn’t go around telling everyone, most people don’t but abusers have their own rules and if they have therapy they tend to tell people as they believe it shows them in a good light… all BS…
My husband also would become very tactile infront of our children, that way it looks like he was being loving and if I rejected him or simply walked away it would look like I am the parent being nasty. All tactics.

Mostly they do not leave and never easily… they cling on, use tactics, lies and manipulation to remain for their own reasons (as BB said, a meal ticket).

In the end I used.the grey rock method which I found odd using at first as it was very new but it helped me.

He can find somewhere to live and to see his children, he is choosing the easy option for himself and his needs which is to remain. I used to send my husband properties for him to view… he always came.back with an excuse as to why he didn’t view or he would lie.

Trust your gut and not what he says.

HFH ❤️

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