Hereforhelp

[Hereforhelp]

Ps.. you are not to blame at all.
To spit at you, degrade you and make you feel the way you do is not love. It isn’t your fault, he is abusive and chooses his behaviours.

Mental health, alcohol and drug use doesn’t cause someone to become an abuser, an abusive person is that by choice. MH and substance/drug use is separate to abuse and upto that person to seek help.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, well done for posting.

On this site you will read about partners who have a Jekyll and Hyde personality.. in other words these men (your partner as well) switch moods/personalities regularly.

To blame you is typical of an abusive partner as they never accept responsibility or take accountability. If he has a MH condition or an awful past history himself does not make him abusive, abuse is a choice and as an adult, if he has MH problems it is entirely on him to seek help. You cannot help him, you do not make him react, it is a choice he makes.

I was also trauma bonded to my husband, for decades…. free now and no contact with myself of our children..for me, the only way to recover was to separate. I was very ill (because of his abuse over so many years and having to do everything)…

To spit at you, control you, threaten you, picking on you, escorts etc…to use suicide to keep you there under his control ..all of these are typical abuser tactic. As you say, you have given him everything (I completely relate to that feeling), however much you give it will never be enough, he will demand more and more of you.

My husband threatened suicide a few times… I was so worried about Him as I believed him.. I didn’t want to risk him doing it so I did let the police know, I also told his GP… he was fine, it was all BS (he would fake cry!).

Please reach out to your local Women’s Aid, they can support you, you are in a very abusive relationship. For your partner to say he isn’t in a relationship with you anymore so he can do as he wants and sending photos of naked women or escorts is designed to make you feel worthless, he knows this which is why he does it .

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It is a good book to help understand why he is treating you this way.

You do not owe him anything, you owe yourself… please look after yourself .

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

You are not messed up.. you sound spot on and in tune with your instincts which is very healthy… I recognise he is lovebombing you, it can be overwhelming and disguised as ‘so nice’ .. he is ignoring your boundaries for his own needs, pushing his son to meet you on the first date must have been very awkward for you and his son… also pushing you to meet his family and making you go to their home is all part of the abuse cycle…

My abusive husband could be so nice and thoughtful to my friends/family which really messes with my head… I wish I had trusted my instincts years ago but I didn’t, my boundaries were broken by him bit by bit over the many years…

Run for the hills… he isn’t nice, no matter what others say trust your instincts as they are very rarely wrong..

Well done for blocking him… if he can contact you he will try another tactic.. he isn’t being authentic.

Hugs HFH
❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi lionking, in ny experience abusers do not leave easily… my own abusive husband of many many years agreed to separate but he wouldn’t leave, he made excuses up, he tried being seen as a victim (in front of our children as he was trying to manipulate them).. it took months and months before he left…
A very wise member of this forum (KIP ❤️) told me when I was at your stage to not believe a word my husband says, the gloves are off once you make the decision to separate.
I hope your partner leaves soon
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Llama12, I wish it was different but you will not get any rationality or responsibility from your partner regarding an amicable split… in a healthy relationship it is difficult and painful but to leave an abuser is off the scale as he will try to remain in control and will not be going anywhere in his mind as these men do not think they have done anything wrong and will blame everyone else.

Have you thought about speaking to a solicitor for a free 30 min meeting, quite a few Law firms do this… I googled DA solictors in ny local area.

For him to physically hurt you in such a violent way must have been terrifying.. it is also illegal and the police would arrest him if you reported him. If you do ring the police do not warn your partner, he will talk you out of it or may

I am so sorry you are in this situation with him… would his family Support you and he could move in with them for a while as they know he is abusive and violent from his past.. would they support you or him so as to avoid police?

Stay safe x
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Send the evidence of his threats towards you to your local police station… they will decide if to pursue and have a chat with you (in my experience). Also contact your local Domestic Abuse Support or online women’s aid chat.
No it is not ok for him to be threatening you and will be causing you a lot of anxiety. Maybe also have a chat with your GP about the stress/anxiety his threats cause you. It is all evidence.

Keep posting ❤️
HFH

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Ilovevats, I also love cats 😊

It sounds like your partner has been mirroring you by turning vegan and claiming to feel the same way as you do about animals… mirroring is also part of the abuse tactics x

Have you read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? I found it helpful to recognise abuse.

Keep posting ❤️ you are not alone
HFH

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, I wanted to comment as have read your post before it gets edited (any personal details will be removed for your own safety, to keep you safe)..

It does read as love bombing… what jumped out at me is him telling you about his own traumatic past as that is a major red flag aa you habe only known him for a short time, it is the quickest way to gain a Trauma Bond, also him telling you what (removed by moderator) sounds like he is already thinking along those lines .. also, how your cat will be loved? .. how he impacts your anxiety levels is real… what I mean is his words and actions aren’t matching up.

Him saying he didn’t want to hurt you (removed by moderator) when about to be intimate is a Red Flag, he is responsible as to whether he choses to hurt you or not so why is he making a point of claiming to worry he will hurt you.. it sounds like he has used these sort of phrases before…
Him disappearing, the way he treats others all come in to who he is.

It is early days and there’s no rush, are you comfortable with him and how your relationship is forming? If not maybe write down what you are feeling uncomfortable with..for your own reference.

When you say he goes into a dark place when other people let him down what does that mean? How does that make you feel?

He doesn’t sound consistent or reliable?

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hu UHOH

This must be very frightening and I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Your partner punching walls etc is enough for you to know he can become violent… he doesn’t need to hit you as you will already be afraid of his outbursts.

Many abusers claim to have MH issues and maybe he does.. but that us separate to abuse… Mental Health doesn’t cause abuse…I myself have MH problems, as an adult it is expected you take responsibility for your own health issues whether physical or Mental Health

Keeping a journal can help.. I also found my local Citizens Advice Bureau helpful… I also spoke to my GP which I found helpful as that GP supported me when separating (my abusive husband would also not leave, it is very common in abusive relationships).. a normal healthy relationship is hard enough to leave, an abusive relationship is totally different.

Your partner saying he will fix it.. what does he mean I wonder.. it sounds like a grand statement but actually it is all about him and his needs… Him saying if he doesn’t have you then he doesn’t have anything is all about his needs… he hasn’t considered your happiness or unhappiness.

I had a few free 30 minute appointments with solicitors when at your stage.

Keep posting, you are not alone
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

He is keeping score and holding onto past upsets to throw at you… when he brings up an incident which was months/years ago it is designed to derail you and to take the emphasis of what you had initially wanted to discuss or whatever you have broached with him.

My children also got used and he tried to get our children on whatnhe saw as his side… it is sickening but another tactic… something a non abusive parent would never do.. my children and I are now zero contact… that took me a very long time to get to..

Do not underestimate your husband, you have been together a long time, you know him, trust what you know is true and your own instincts not what he tells you.

Keep pushing forwards, baby steps if needed to get through each day.

HFH

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Shecando, he is blaming you for everything and he’s taking no responsibility… because it gives him control over you. Him saying that his reactions are your fault is very common with abusive men. You’re not responsible for any of his reactions but he Will continue to blame you. The abuser claiming to be the victim is another Common tactic… they are always the victim, it’s never their fault… the list goes on.

Living with the Dominater is also a good book to read up DA… the more you learn about abuse the more you will recognise it.

Women’s Aid chat is helpful.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

I am sorry he is doing this…it is called flying monkeys…as in the Wizard of Oz… this is a common tactic to destroy your charactor and to make him look good/victim.
People who know you will know it isn’t true, more importantly you know it isn’t true. I would advise not to discuss his tactics with him as he will never acknowledge what he is doing, he knows exactly what he is doing and why and that is on him. Do you have any support in place? Maybe speak to Women’s Aid chat online?
Once the gloves are off these men stop at nothing, they stoop lower than we could ever imagine all whilst blaming their victim.
Keep a journal, record any abuse if you can safely (for your reference/evidence).
Hugs HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he has no right to be verbally abusing you…yes moving is stressful, I’m moving atm yet I am not abusive towards any of my family. In your previous post you also mention ways he is abusing you… maybe keep a journal, it will show a pattern with his behaviours and can stop you feeling crazy. Emotional abuse affects MH, take care of you. If it doesn’t feel right then something isn’t right
Keep posting

HFH ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

I want to send you a massive hug nbumblebee ❤️
I too feel that people have kinda given up on me now… it is a very lonely place. Please don’t feel bad or silly…there are so many scams and you spotted it… sickening that people use others traumas to get money!
I don’t have any advise, I just wanted to say it isn’t you or your fault.
❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Grapevine

It’s good you’re keeping a record, it is harrowing but can really help.

I think one of the hardest things is accepting that your partner knows what he is doing, abusers do know what they’re doing they simply will not ever take responsibility for their behaviours. He is an adult, if he is poorly it is upto him to reach out for help. It is separate from him absuing you.

The more you recognise his abuse the more he will sense a change in you and will likely be reactive towards you.. this isn’t on you grapevine, you sound like a loving woman who is confused with how his actions and words do nit match up (which leaves the walking on eggshells feelings). You sound like a great mum too 💪 ❤️.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of, him recording and editing his own responses in recordings and sending to your loved ones is him trying to destroy your charactor. He is changing the narrative to suit himself and his needs.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

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