JessicaJones

[JessicaJones]

Hello,

It absolutely does get easier. I am years out of my relationship. The trauma bond is gone. Do I still have symptoms of trauma? Yes. But in terms of how I feel about him I feel nothing.
Everyone’s recovery journey is different and dependent upon a lot of factors. The most important (if you are able and don’t have to see him for any reason like kids etc) is to be no contact. Have distance.
As I just said in another reply, I have been through all the emotions in extremes. Extreme extremes. Time truly is a healer. And it does take time unfortunately. You’ve been through trauma, the brain takes time to process it all. But it will get there.
I now feel nothing towards my abuser except the occasional rage. Sometimes I still feel panic. I still have flashbacks. But for the most part, he’s just a part of my past. One that taught me a lot. You can heal. My trauma bond was strong, it took me so many attempts to get away. I didn’t know how not to be there being abused. Time and distance and focusing on yourself.
One thing I have done a LOT of over the years is write. All my emotions whatever they have been I wrote them all out, poured them out of me.
No matter how you feel just let it all go without judging it. Pour it out.
It helps untangle all the mess and then your brain can process it all.

But yes, it absolutely does get better.

[JessicaJones]

Hello,
I just thought I would reply to this as I am years out of my relationship now and I have been through it all and when I say it all I mean all. I have experienced the most horrible emotions a person can experience and all of them to extremes. Sadness, rage, despair, crippling desperation, numbness.
You’re out. Yes it is terrible for his new partner but focus on you. YOU are free. And maybe not right now but one day you will be able to look back and go wow. I’m so lucky. You’re obviously in a tough place but you have your life, it’s yours, free of a terrible person who hurt you and caused you nothing but pain and suffering.
It does get better believe me. I have been through the depths of hell and I am now the strongest I’ve ever been in my life despite my issues that I have been left with.
Everyone’s journey is different. But I would encourage you to try to look at the positives. You are free. You get another chance.
With mine I feel pretty much nothing towards him now. It’s complicated. There are obviously still some feelings there, but mostly I just feel nothing. I’m just glad I’m away. And I’m grateful for my life. Everyone’s journey is different but you will get better I promise you. It does get easier, but it takes time.

[JessicaJones]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses! I really did appreciate them so much! I did come back here and read them and felt that enormous sense of relief. You all tell me exactly what I need to hear and help me understand. I am so grateful for all of you!
However, I was not able to respond as I experienced some really intense flashbacks again.
And coming on here seemed to make it worse. I tried to type. And I just couldn’t.
I think one of the reasons for that is being on here makes it more real. Which is really frustrating because at the same time, here is the only place I feel truly understood in regards to what happened to me and the way my brain has changed following it.

I am having a bad episode right now. Things seem to get slightly better and then worse again. It’s been getting gradually worse over the course of the last month.

I’m sorry if I don’t reply sometimes, but please know how very grateful I am to anyone that responds to me! It really does help.

You’re all absolutely right. I should be proud of how far I have come. I should be proud of the fact I am still standing and still here. That is an achievement in itself.

[JessicaJones]

So basically what all our ex’s/partners share is they all have massive, blatant feelings of sexual inadequacy. I don’t even think mine enjoyed the feelings of rough sex that much, at least not in the sexual sense. He just felt that rougher meant better. The rougher and more abusive, the more of a man he was. And it got absolutely ridiculous in the end. I’m not even going to share. Does anyone else suspect their guy had homosexual and/or bisexual feelings that they couldn’t acknowledge or accept? I know mine did and I think that’s what was much of the cause of his anger in that area. It made him feel less of a man for not being fully heterosexual and that caused him to feel ridiculously sexually inadequate. I think this is the case for many men who behave this way. Although not all.

[JessicaJones]

thanks. It just makes me mad that he might have succeeded in his intentions when I look at myself sometimes. I think, it worked. He knocked all the vibrancy out of me, drained and squeezed the last drops of purity and light out of my soul, put out the light in my eyes. And then other times I don’t feel like that. I guess no one can tell me if I look different… 🙁 I just become shocked sometimes. I disconnect from it all for ages so sometimes when it comes back it’s just shocking to me what I did. My mind and my memories and different parts of me seem to have become more fragmented and separate from one another than ever. I developed different characters to survive. And they all keep switching on me. And I have no support to help me deal with it haha sigh. Haha oh well. I’m just gonna stop moaning about it cause I think I just moan too much. I just need to get over it and just accept that s happens I think. Even though it was like living in a horror movie that lasted years. I just don’t get it.

I’m sorry, my mood isn’t directed at you. Thank you, I guess I was brave.
I just hate myself right now. I absolutely hate myself. I even hate what I’ve written I just sound like an idiot.

[JessicaJones]

Oh my gosh, I’ve had this several times. I won’t speak about anything to do with it or him for months, then I mention him once and I’m told I’ve got to move on and stop thinking about it! When I literally NEVER talk about it, so if I ever do, it’s kind of potentially a good thing as it’s me processing what has happened whilst my brain is having a moment I can actually handle thinking about it. So its a beneficial and healthy thing to do. My reaction was to scream at them. It’s just disgusting ignorance and I’m sorry whoever sent you that message said that, they obviously lack the understanding of what this kind of trauma does to a person. I think everyone does. It’s one of those things, if you haven’t lived it you just don’t get it. Don’t listen. You did move on, you got out, you had to go through a hell of a struggle that most people never will. I’ve also just passed my first anniversary of leaving so I share your pain. Found it very triggering even though I’ve tried my hardest to not let it affect me. I love the name Aurora by the way!

[JessicaJones]

And then of course because I’d been locked up for so long without being in the outside world. Stockholm syndrome in full effect. And because I had been made to believe that I was responsible, after the 30 days I went straight back. We were in contact the entire time during those days too and I was also terrified of what would happen if I didn’t go back. I thought he’d come for me. I still worry about it now. He knows such dangerous people. Every time I hear a knock at the door it takes me 30 minutes to calm down even if I see it’s noone threatening.

[JessicaJones]

I almost ended up homeless that time. And I was mentally absolutely gone. I was more messed up in the head than I have ever been in my entire life. I had absolutely no money in my bank account as he’d been controlling my money. I called people I knew and nobody I knew could give me any. I didn’t tell them what had happened for obvious reasons. Pure fear and terror. I was all alone and absolutely terrified (detail removed by moderator)

[JessicaJones]

Sorry… I got a bit mad when I replied to this.
I just find it difficult still to read others experiences. It makes me mad that so many people are getting away with this treatment of other humans.

@poodlepower you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about for saying things about his hair. Look what he did to you. As I said above, why would you be expected to behave well when being treated like that?
They convince us if we don’t behave perfectly we deserve it. But in a relationship where you’re being abused, What is appropriate behaviour?

@freedomtochoose Don’t worry, I spend 90% of my time in man hating mode hahah
I love men too. But I also hate them. A lot.
And I have also lost all faith in society and people to the point of mild paranoia.
I think one of the reasons is, in my opinion there is such a lack of understanding about abusive relationships. And the law does not protect us as much as it should. Nor do they in my experience seem to know anything about abusive relationships either. I think every person who works in the nhs mental health services and the police should be given training on abusive relationships so they have a thorough understanding, because in my case, a lot of their involvement did me a lot more harm than good. I had some truly terrible experiences I will never forget.

Maybe one day, things will be different. I hope so.

@ijustwanttobefree yeah exactly, everyone has that right. Glad you’re feeling a little better.

Xxx

[JessicaJones]

I just want to add, most abusers do this. Try to make out like we deserve it. Try to make out we caused it. Or, when we retaliate and fight against the abuse, in the form of confrontation, name calling, whatever it may be, then they have a little piece of evidence to say ‘you’re abusive. You did this. No wonder I hurt you’.
It’s all a form of control.
But, think of it like this. *trigger warning*…

If someone is on top of you stabbing you, and if you don’t get them to stop, you’re going to die…
and you can’t fight them off because they’re too physically strong, and there is a knife within you’re reach, so you grab it, and stab them back. As it’s you’re only chance at living…
Are you in the wrong? Should you just accept death because stabbing them back is wrong? No.
You’re fighting for your life! You don’t wana die!
It’s a good thing!
Yes you might cause them injury, possibly even fatal injury, but they are physically dominating you and stabbing you to death…
It’s fight back or die.
I know this extreme, but abusive relationships are the same. The person is taking away your freedom and your power and dominating and controlling you. They’re treating you in a way that is causing you damage, very possibly permanent damage.
So you stick up for yourself. Or you fight back. Even in the tiniest of ways. Cause they make it impossible to fight back. They make you know that fight back = more pain. Fight back = danger.
Why would you be expected to behave well when someone is doing you very purposeful damage physically, mentally and emotionally?
You become not even a human being anymore, you’re not you, you are a being that survives, and does so by behaving exactly as your abuser wants you to behave.
Because you have no choice.
Sticking up for yourself is not something you’re allowed to do.
Mine used to beat me for even looking like I might be thinking something he didn’t approve of.
I wasn’t even allowed the right to my own thoughts anymore.
I had to act EXACTLY as he wanted, else I knew what I’d get…
Everyone has the right to stick up for themselves.
As long as you’re not purposely harming another, everyone has the right to do exactly what they like.
And no one should ever have to have their thoughts, feelings and behaviours controlled or warped by fear.

[JessicaJones]

No absolutely not!
Why would sticking up for yourself make you abusive?
Why would arguing back make you a bad person?
Even if you were ‘confrontational’, does that mean you deserved abuse?
Don’t let him make you think like that.
You’re not an abuser, I promise you.
Mine did that to me too. Tried to convince me I deserved it because of x,y,z.
I questioned him too much, I didn’t do enough, I didn’t help him. Etc etc etc.
So if you ask questions that means you deserve physical and emotional abuse?
Does it f***.
He’s trying to convince you it’s your fault. Cause then he can feel better about being a physically and emotionally abusive and manipulative ****.
He can convince you and himself, he’s not to blame. Then he doesn’t have to deal with it. He can avoid guilt and shame. He’s created a world in which he’s innocent.
Don’t listen. You’re not abusive. You’re a human, dealing with an abusive, controlling and manipulative person.
Don’t let him make you feel for a second that you are abusive. Xx

[JessicaJones]

I still didn’t ring yet. I chickened out. I feel more eager and able to speak to them now though so am gunna ring them as soon as I can.
I am having therapy soon but the wait is most likely going to be long.
Sigh. So I don’t know what to do really for the therapy side of things. I have no way of getting any anywhere else. Perhaps it’s something I can be advised on when I call.
But yeah, I do think I need someone who is experienced in trauma. I’ve seen so many people who clearly don’t have a clue about it. And clearly don’t have any idea about abusive relationship trauma. No one seems to understand. It’s shockingly bad really.
I think that both the police and nhs staff should have additional training on abusive relationships. Because I have been utterly shocked and caused further psychological harm by their sheer ignorance.

[JessicaJones]

*tw*
Thank you so much all of you. @freedomtochoose, I have done the screaming at the sky thing haha literally… went to the top of a hill and was screaming and shouting and then singing songs dancing about hahaha it was therapeutic…

@iwon yes I’ve done that too lol screaming at myself in the mirror, or walking round the house. I’ve also just punched and kicked the air imagining he’s stood in front me. (I did actually manage to get my hands on him… once… the last time I saw him… it was the most satisfying thing I tell you… I’ll never forget it… in my head I was continuing what I didn’t get to do…)

@lover of no contact exactly. I had to deny my feelings for so long and suppress my rage to survive the situation. So many times I would become enraged, but I knew if I fought back, all it did was make him worse, I knew he’d end up killing me, it was best that I just took it, cause he was so much stronger than me.
Well, when I finally got out of this, I didn’t care anymore, I knew I had to get out and do whatever I could to do it, I thought, if I die I die, I’m gunna die if I stay with him anyway. And I went nuts. I completely lost it with him. All the rage that had been lying dormant just came to the surface and it was… insane.
It came so randomly too, there was a moment. I won’t say exactly what as it would make me identifiable potentially, but one moment where everything just snapped in me, I remembered who I was, I realised what the hell I was doing, the reality of the situation hit me so incredibly hard. And I lost it big time.

It’s a long story anyway. I really want to tell my story now, but it’s so incredibly long and complex and also, I don’t know how I possibly can without it being obvious who I am. It’s an insane story. It’s…. unbelievable.
But I am in that frame of mind again. Where I want to share.

And yes a toned fit body is the best revenge isn’t it just! Haha he would hate that… he’s already jealous in that way… I have started working out, I have set some body goals, thing is my motivation is either like I want to exercise all day for days, or it’s not there at all and all I want to do is nothing.

I cycle, still even after all these months. I either don’t think of him at all, except for the nightmares and the intrusive reminders and flashbacks, which I push away as soon as I can, or…I feel bad. Feel like it was my fault. I was like it earlier.
Just a few hours ago I was thinking, aww, he’s not that bad. He did his best. He was ill and struggling, it’s not his fault. Maybe it is all my fault.
Now, on the other hand, the reality of everything has hit me again. And I’m grateful it has to be honest.
It’s so dangerous. I slip into this delusional state.
All the monstrous things, and they were monstrous, they just vanish from my brain. And I see this good human being.
It’s so messed up!!!
I’ve been in this kind of state of mind for ages now. When I first joined this forum it made me toxicly angry. It made me feel ill. Then, I slipped into this state of just numbness again. Nothing. No feelings. Dead. Asleep. A zombie.
Now, just this evening, I’m starting to come back.
Thank god.
Why do I still go through these cycles!!!
And believe me, this idealised version of him I sometimes have, it’s not accurate at all.
He is not a vulnerable, traumatised man who did his best at all, or someone with anger issues. He is a literal psychopath. He is evil. And he always knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. God. I need to explain to someone.
I’ve been through hell. Absolute hell. And it STILL hasnt been acknowledged by anyone. Except you ladies and you don’t even know the story!
I am so thankful for all of you.
I’ve barely spoken with you and you just get it. It’s so nice I can’t even begin to tell you.

I still didn’t ring womens aid yet. I’m going to tomorrow if they’re open or Monday if not.
I need to speak to someone about this.
There are so many things I need to talk through with someone. I couldn’t before because I was going so crazy everyone just thought I was nuts. And I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t just be calm and rational. It was not possible.
And yes, I use my rage to clean too, it can have the positive effect of making you rather productive can’t it! Haha

[JessicaJones]

Ah.
I just found the search tool on this site and found the number to call for my local women’s aid 🙂
Shall be calling them tomorrow.
So this post is kinda unnecessary now lol

I haven’t extensively researched into getting this kind of help as I’ve been too scared to call these kind of helplines until now.
I still am to be honest. I’m going to find it very scary to dial the number and speak to someone.
Every time I even think about it I end up severely distressed… I’m terrified.
But I think I’m ready to do it now.

[JessicaJones]

When I say I’ve been offered no support I’m talking about the nhs, not women’s aid or any other charity…
They have given me nothing. Not even mentioned women’s aid. It’s taken 6 months for me to be even put on a waiting list for any kind of therapy. Then the wait for the therapy is probably going to be anywhere between 6-18 months…
So I need to seek something elsewhere.

[JessicaJones]

@Freedomtochoose,
Thanks 🙂
I agree about the anger. I think it can indeed be an incredible creative force. It’s just it gets so, so very intense it scares me. It makes me feel ill.
I have been told by so many people to get a punch bag and/or take up boxing.
I’m going to buy one then see how I like it and maybe start boxing too.
I definitely need an outlet for my anger… haha
I’m glad you were heartened by my other post. Hugs to you too 🙂

@KIP thank you. I have been diagnosed with PTSD last week. Finding it very difficult still but I’ll get there. I’m waiting for therapy On the nhs but not sure how long it’s gonna take to get it.
I have already found the validation helpful.
And as I just said in my other post, thank you both so much. I honestly have felt more validated and understood by just reading your few responses than from anyone else.

[JessicaJones]

@freedomtochoose me too! I’m literally about to finish watching season 2 after I get off the forum 🙂
I’m about half way through. Keep meaning to watch the rest but I’m not as hooked on it as season 1. Then I’m gunna rewatch season 1 after.
I’ve not watched it since I was with him. I wanna watch it again now that I’m away and free 🙂

[JessicaJones]

And yes, I can most definitely relate to the wool being pulled off as you said.
I’ve already learned soooo much from what has happened to me.
I feel I’ve awakened in many ways and many other things which have happened to me in my past have been brought to light.
Things that I always knew were incredibly wrong. But I just accepted like… ‘this is just how it is for people like me…’
But it took this happening to me and almost losing my life to go ‘enough is enough’.
It’s both enlightening and incredibly disturbing.
But at the same time my depression is worsening a lot over the last few months so I feel like… im kinda forgetting everything that’s happened. I forget it all, expect for the nightmares almost every night, then all of a sudden it all hits me and I get crazy with rage.
Ive been diagnosed with PTSD which explains it I guess.

[JessicaJones]

Hi OctoberSunshine,

Thank you so much 🙂 I am really proud of myself. I have come a very long way. And yes, survivors deserve SO MUCH more than how we are treated. It really is shocking. I won’t go into it cause in the past I’ve had my comments removed for saying too many bad things about the police… but they certainly need to improve… THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE.
Thank you for your advice. It is like you say, it is the unpredictability that bothers me. Even though it has been years, I specifically remember him plotting to hurt people who had ‘wronged him’ from 10+ years ago, hatching a plan… which is why I sometimes worry he will do the same with me.
In all likelihood, he is with someone else, or has been with many other people. He is obsessed with them now, may even have children with them, and I perhaps cross his mind from time to time when he is very low and he decides that his life is all my fault. Although considering how long it has been potentially someone other poor person has replaced me in that area now. It is probably now all someone else’s fault.

The thing with social media is, I’m afraid if he sees me or perceives me to be doing well, it will make him incredibly jealous.
And I also HATE the fact he could be checking up on me now and again. It makes me so mad. Why should he get to have any information on me or my life?
I don’t do facebook. I have a profile set to private with a profile picture but I never use it. I don’t have many friends on there anyway and noone I have contact with really uses it.
I have other profiles though, ones he could potentially find, and that I believe he probably does search for occasionally at least. I don’t know for sure. There’s that possibility, OR the other is that he has literally wiped me from his brain completely (I hope to god it’s that one!) He had a narcissistic/psychopathic personality so, they discard don’t they. I’m done with now. I certainly hope so! lol

What I worry about is him going through a stage where he is very low and unstable and angry. Then searching for me on social media, seeing me ‘doing well’, and then becoming enraged and going out of his way to ruin me. Which he threatened to do so many times.
He has no public profiles on social media. So I have no way of seeing how he’s doing. And yes I have searched, purely to get an idea of where he is at in life to assess how safe I am from him. But he keeps hidden away.
That and I occasionally search his name for news to see if he has been in it for any criminal activity… because it wouldn’t surprise me.
So it is really difficult to make a decision on this.

Sounds like you have a good security setup! I definitely need to invest in some cameras! And a burglar alarm. I have been meaning to do that for a long time. I just don’t want it to make me more obsessive and check it all the time.
That’s the thing with having cptsd isn’t it. You don’t know if you’re just having a kind of emotional flashback or whether it’s real. It is a bit of both really because having been with dangerous people it is I would say wise to be a little paranoid. But also, my flashbacks can make me panic as if things are happening right now so that is when it becomes a little over the top. It’s rough isn’t it.

I’m going to have a really good think about it, and I think I am going to call some helplines perhaps to help me think it through.

Also, I was obsessed with the idea of doing self-defence classes and also never did it! I really want to now but I can’t currently for reasons I won’t go into. Would definitely in the future though! Again though I worry it would trigger me for obvious reasons. I want to do krag maga and that looks pretty intense!

[JessicaJones]

I hope I didn’t sound like I am not acknowledging what you’re currently going through. Absolutely easier said than done when you’re going through that hell. Of course it is a lot easier for me to sit here right now and say that when I am years out. I just wanted to communicate to you that it won’t last forever. That there absolutely will come a time when it doesn’t hurt like it does now, and your mind and heart have healed. Don’t get me wrong, it still has a lasting effect, it’s the whole reason I logged back in here, I still panic, worry and have flashbacks. I still have some inner conflict. There is lasting damage. But I’m a stronger person and also a person who values themselves a LOT more than I ever did. And I was so incredibly ill. So, if that can happen for me, I just want to let others know, it DOES get better and that though it may seem you’re stuck in an unending black cloud of pain, chaos, confusion and hurt, that will not be the case forever. Feels absolutely impossible when you’re in it, but it’s not. You will get better. Good luck xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi HazyDayz,

It absolutely is. I have been traumatised by both police and nhs unfortunately. It’s tough yes. And yes monsters indeed. To be honest I absolutely hate the fact that he still has this kind of little power over me years on. And yet he could be quite happy completely moved on not even a thought in his head about me (I sincerely hope that is the case). But I still have to worry about it. It’s tough. They live their lives and we are not quite free of them.
I have learned to live with my symptoms. I know I will never be the same again but I try to just let myself be a better person because of what I’ve experienced and not look at the negative, as difficult as that is. I just feel it’s a way of taking my own power back.
I’m a warrior. So are you.

[JessicaJones]

And yeah Asda’s probably not the best place hahahaa

[JessicaJones]

Wow. I have actually been considering going to the hills to do just this for about a year now.
I have so many screams in me. For a very very long time now, I have felt this overwhelming urge to just scream and scream and scream until I can scream no longer. I do scream, and shout. But I need to just let it all out. For as long as I need. And I don’t want to end up being put in hospital.
I also started researching primal scream therapy. Apparantly screaming releases traum even from as far back as your birth.
Sometimes, the urge to scream is so so so great, the anger is so huge, I feel it as a physical sensation. Like this physical force in my throat and round my neck area.
Sometimes, I let little bits out. (When I say little bits I mean, I really scream. But the way I am going to go off if I just let it out completely would have someone calling the police, probably.
I need to do it possibly for hours, so I was going to go to some hills near me and just do it, but it’s quite popular with walkers.
I think this is a sign.
I need to go do my screaming. Thanks for the tip. We should start a screaming club… 😀

[JessicaJones]

Hi Twisted Sister, I think I replied to you after I clicked the reply button for KIP. Not used to reply buttons being on top! Just letting you know so you can see, as I’m not sure if you get notifications when I reply!

[JessicaJones]

Hi Tiffany,
Absolutely. It is ignorance. And I too was ignorant. As I just said to Twisted Sister, I forget this sometimes.
I expect the whole world to just understand me but I have to remember that if I hadn’t had the experiences and the awakening that I have had, I wouldn’t understand either, (although I like to think I’d be compassionate and empathetic, which some people just don’t have time to even attempt).

I was exactly the same. I never thought that it would happen to me, because of my own lack of understanding.
In fact, in the past if you knew me you’d possibly say I was the person least likely to get into an abusive relationship, however, what I didn’t know and what wasn’t visible was that even at that point, the seeds had already been sown. And that’s not saying that I brought it upon myself or that I’m the ‘type’. But I had grown up with a lot of internal issues and experiences that, had I not had, would not have lead me down the road he was waiting down. I know that it isn’t the same for everyone, and I truly believe that it can happen to anyone given the right conditions and/or circumstances, but in my case I can see a lot of the hows and whys now for me personally.
Abuse runs in my family. And I do not believe it is a coincidence that I should end up in that situation considering my family history, upbringing and early childhood and adolescent experiences. This is also something that has made a lot more sense to me since I got out.

Thank you 🙂 I am trying my damned hardest xx

[JessicaJones]

KIP, I remember you too, hi!
Thank you so much 🙂 xx

I really have come a long way. I do forget how far sometimes.

‘What I haven’t got over is the trauma he left me with.’

I feel that. Soo much. It’s not them we don’t get over, it’s the lasting effects of what they did to us!

There is a part of me that was over him long before I even got out. Although I still experience episodes of feeling in that stockholm syndrome state and on very rare occasions, I find myself missing him and thinking everything was my fault. Although this is usually followed by a complete change in my state of mind and I am awake again. Or having terrible flashbacks.

But even on those occasions I feel I ‘miss him’, it’s not him I’m not over, it’s me still living with the psychological effects of what he did. Because that part of myself feels separate from me. It is the brainwashed me returning.

This is what has happened in the last few days. I am all over the place again.

Like you said, I need to keep reminding myself of how far I have come, and hopefully one day I’ll be able to eventually make peace with it too.

Thank you <3 xxx

[JessicaJones]

Twisted Sister,

Thank you 🙂 xx

I just get very upset when I feel misunderstood. It hurts. I feel as though people expect me to behave like an ordinary human being and when my ptsd is triggered it’s hard for me to do that. But at the same time, I feel as though I shouldn’t have to explain to people.

However, I too was ignorant to the complex nature of abuse. One of the only positives about what happened is my increased awareness and how I am now able to clearly see what is and isn’t abuse as a result of it. It has helped me to understand abuse I experienced in the past which I didn’t previously. And just my whole experience growing up and my upbringing. So I guess I can’t just expect people to understand when I too was formerly ignorant.
Thanks for helping me see that. I need reminding sometimes. xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi IWantMeBack,

Not sure if you’ll ever see this, I’ve only just seen this, 6 months since I’ve logged into this forum but thank you.
I am doing much better on the whole now. Still have bad days but it gets easier!

I really hope that 6 months later you have managed to leave or are closer to leaving or making that decision than you were before. It can be a long process. And of course has to be safe. It took me so long to be able to finally do it. And I had to take many precautions and make a plan in order to get away as safely as possible.
Stay strong xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi Autumnique, not sure you’ll ever read this but thank you for that sweet reply.
I’m surprised at my response, I feel like my reply there was very self centred and dismissive at what you said, I think I was just very upset about how I looked at the time,
I also have body dysmorphic disorder so my image is a bit of an issue with me and I was looking in the mirror having a bit of an identity crisis thinking I’m a monster.

Thank you so much, I am doing much better lately. I was brave. I’m realising that more and more now.
And I know you are too. Anyone who is or has been in these relationships is brave. We are made brave through it. We’re the strong ones, we just don’t realise it.
Hope you are doing ok. Xx

[JessicaJones]

That’s terrible! I had a counsellor like that once years ago who used to share things about her own life… not helpful at all.
I did end up ringing. No support groups but a freedom project which if I’m entirely honest… I didn’t like the sound of. I would go just to meet other people who’ve been through the same but I don’t like how it focuses on the abuser.

I can understand education on what types of abusive men look like is good but I find it a little patronising.
I knew that before my abusive relationship. People who get in abusive relationships aren’t stupid. Mine certainly didn’t seem like a ‘dominator’ when I first got with him.
It was very complex. I was in a VERY bad way when I got with him due to my own mental health problems.

Hopefully I am having psychotherapy soon but I won’t hold out much hope at this point for its effectiveness. I’ve been let down too many times.

I will check out YouTube and see what I can find. Thanks x

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