LemonPie

[LemonPie]

I know what you mean. I feel ridiculous sometimes, how could a strong women like me be taken in by this man? I also get told that he was so quiet and charming. I think about moving but that would mean the children changing schools, having no friends around me, I just don’t know. I think we have to choose not to be a victim anymore x

[LemonPie]

Well done HA on staying no contact. I am about to start this journey!

[LemonPie]

So you were all right. He cancelled last minute because I wouldn’t agree to where he wanted to meet. I’m done now, he had his chance to act properly. It’ll have to be no contact now for the foreseeable future.

Thanks for all your advice ladies, if it wasn’t for you all bringing me back down to earth, I would have felt very disappointed and let down by him cancelling. As it is, I feel empowered.

[LemonPie]

Thanks everyone. Wow, I’m a bit dumbstruck. This is a really bad idea isn’t it? I just don’t think I can stop myself from going, The lure of getting him to moving forward is too strong.

My intention was to be completely non-commital, say I would have to run everything past my solicitor and make no promises whatsoever. I have started writing notes to take so I don’t lose track and even if he confuses me, I’ll have them to bring me back from it. I will not be discussing the relationship at all. He genuinely thinks he did nothing wrong so there is no point. I know I won’t get an apology or remorse so I won’t be disappointed.

HA, yes they sound very similar. I didn’t get the silent treatment though, he’d keep me up all night to ‘talk it through’ (talk it through is code for talk until I agreed with him), by the early hours I’d refuse to talk any longer and go to bed – this was me being controlling. By the time I kicked him out, I thought I had gone crazy and had lost a grip on reality (his plan all along I guess) and had had a suicide attempt.

[LemonPie]

That’s the thing, I have everything. He spent, I saved. I bought the house before we were together and we never married.

I’m almost 100% sure he knows it’s over on my part, I think he’d still take me back though if I said but I would never go back. I haven’t missed him one bit since I made him go. No trauma bonding, no sympathy, no nothing. I just want my life to be my own. He can see the children as long as he behaves but I want nothing to do with him whatsoever.

[LemonPie]

Thank you Healthyarchive, your ex sounds like mine. Very coercively controlling, backs me into a corner, lies, just throws so many things at me that I loose focus and struggle to think clearly. I end up not knowing what my original point was so I end up sitting quietly and listening to his endless monologue.

I’m so much stronger now though, I was hoping that would get me through? I thought if I wrote down some notes then I would have them to refer back to, like a business meeting almost. I know I’m strong enough to walk away if he becomes too controlling and I will never meet him face to face again.

[LemonPie]

Thank you for your reply. It’s about money mostly, the property is mine but he wants a cut. Legally he’s entitled to nothing but I think I’m willing to pay him off to leave me alone. It’ll all have to go through a solicitor to make sure he doesn’t go back on any kind of agreement but if we could talk it through ourselves then it will save thousands in fees (which he hasn’t got which works in my favour)

[LemonPie]

Wow that’s a scary statement for someone to believe. I guess it’s up to all of us as parents to teach our children to know the difference between the two.

[LemonPie]

Thanks to the original poster for asking this. The advice given has really helped me, I’ve just made an application to ncdv for help (detail removed by Moderator) . Fingers crossed I can get one. I just want to move on with my life and he seems intent on putting a stop to that.

[LemonPie]

I agree with the others. Reactivity your account. Just be careful about your security settings, even if you block someone if your settings aren’t right then comments/likes from mutual friends will bring your stuff up on his news feed.

I opened a new account just to be sure.

[LemonPie]

Unfortunately I made the mistake of treating him like a normal human being and told him. I thought I was being respectful – you live and learn!

He contacted the new guy and told him (amongst other things) that he had recordings of me that would show what I was really like, checked out new guy’s social media, made it clear that he could find him if he wanted to.

I just keep kicking myself for thinking he could behave appropriately. Had I kept my mouth shut, things could have been different :-/

[LemonPie]

Thank you for your reply serenity. Unfortunately we have made the decision that we can’t make things work at the moment. It’s really sad but sometimes the hardest decisions are still the right ones I guess. At least it’s proof there are some great men out there 🙂

[LemonPie]

Wow I could have written your post myself. I’m genuinely stunned. I’ve been separated from my ex for a few months now, it’s the best decision I ever made. I haven’t missed him at all and low and behold, despite what he said, I have managed perfectly well!!

My ex would say thinks like ‘why do you think the saying lie back and think of England was invented’ he’d go mad at me for making him feel like a rapist – maybe he shouldn’t have acted like one? Just loads of things that at the time, I believed I was guilty of. I went to the doctors several times to seek help for my problems with lack of desire, turns out that being just short of forced into sex isn’t that much of a turn on!

Try not to be scared to ring. I rang, i wish I had spoken to them more. Maybe I would have found the strength to leave sooner x

[LemonPie]

You sound like you’ve been through a truly awful time Ayanna. However, all the things you mentioned in your last paragraph, I believe that with the right man you can have them within a happy relationship. There are good men out there xx

[LemonPie]

I’m new to the forum so I’m sorry but I don’t know your back story. I do know however, that it wouldn’t have mattered what you did, an abuser will abuse. End of. My ex would tell me off for doing something the wrong way one day, so the next time I’d do it the way he had told me. Guess what, that was the wrong way now. It’s not about how you do it, it’s about them wanting you to believe you are wrong and incapable. You are neither, try not to take responsibility for his faults xx

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