Lifeinterrupted

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hey Poppy. Yes, I am finding all the news and debate about this a bit triggering at the moment; it’s everywhere and feels impossible to avoid the subject! It has definitely got to me emotionally. I feel like it has set me back a bit in my recovery (had flashbacks and nightmares again which I haven’t for a little while).

It is hard to explain to others that you don’t want to discuss it or hear about it. I do care very much, but I just can’t get into that topic.I feel very angry at the moment.

I did have night terrors for a while after I left, I was lucky they stopped; now I just have regular bad dreams. I think it’s part of the brain trying to process your trauma.

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi gettingtired.

His behaviour is not ok. At best, it is completely disrespectful of you, and your relationship. It’s not an acceptable way to behave in a healthy relationship. At worst, it is just another form of abuse. As Hawthorn said, this sounds like triangulation; a tactic designed to make you feel insecure and like you should be grateful to be with them (so you overlook bad behaviour, putting them even more in control).

My ex used to do things like this all the time. It is extremely damaging to your self confidence and makes you question your own reality. ​If you haven’t got much experience of what a healthy relationship looks like (I hadn’t as my ex was my first), you start to believe that this might be normal or even acceptable.

It wasn’t until I escaped that I realised how bad it was, and that he had in fact cheated on me several times. While I was with him, I didn’t want to see it and was so gaslit that I ignored all my instincts. In hindsight it was obvious
and then I found things out from other people. I finally moved on and found a healthy relationship, I realised that not all men do this and it really wasn’t normal or OK; it was actually just a way of making me feel smaller and more powerless.

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thank you so much for posting this, AderynDu.

The recent news and subsequent debate has brought up a lot of strong emotions for me, too; and a need to better honour my experiences and my story. I feel like anger and frustration is bubbling up…I totally get that sense of wanting to scream.

Thank you for writing so beautifully what I am sure many of us are feeling x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi overreactinglady. You are absolutely NOT over reacting to this. It is not ok in any way to be on dating sites if you are in a relationship. There is no reason to be checking notifications and receiving messages unless you are pursuing other options.

At best, this is completely disrespectful of you and your relatio ship. At worst, it is triangulation, a tactic designed to keep you feeling insecure and threatened in the relationship ship so you will grateful to have him and overlook his bad behaviours.

Also, it is a common pattern of abusers to start treating you differently once they know you have figured them out; withholding and being cold towards you. They hate it because it means they have lost some control of you.

One of my biggest regrets with my ex is not listening to my gut instinct and intuition more. Your instincts seem spot on to me, and you deserve so much better than him – even if he has made you believe otherwise. But yeah it feels horrible. It really sucks.

Sending you love and hugs x

[Lifeinterrupted]

I can only reiterate what KIP said. He is a textbook abuser. He is smearing your name with others to control you, because he knows a bit if you has seen through him and he wants to take away your support network. You are so trauma bonded, you are bound to feel confused. He has given you a glimpse of the person you want him to be, but then snatched that hope away from you.

What he did to you was rape. You are not in any way to blame, he chooses to do these things to you. You shouldn’t have to be with someone who scares you. Please, please report him, contact domestic abuse services and get dome real practical support. These men never change.

[Lifeinterrupted]

Busyditch, it is absolutely not your fault. If you had the power to make someone treat you badly, you would also have the power to make them stop. They choose to treat you that way, please never feel you are to blame. But also please understand that most of us have felt or do feel that way. It’s what abuse does to you.

Convincing ourselves that it isn’t that bad, normalising it….that is just the way our brain reacts to help us deal with what we live through. Its a defence mechanism to help us survive in the face of horrible treatment. Please believe there is nothing “wrong” with you. These feelings are a perfectly normal response to trauma. It befuddles our brain, that is why we feel so confused. I still feel like this at times, years later.

It’s NOT you. This is hard stuff, but you aren’t alone. We are here for you xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi busdyditch! Your description of “barely existing” is how I felt for sure.

I’ve realised that the strength and courage it takes us to just exist in an abusive situation is immense….even though we don’t feel it at all. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for that.

Keep reaching out to the forum, in whatever way feels comfortable to you. I’m glad you are here. Sending love and hugs x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Oh, Lionscloth <3I really understand what you’re saying there. I actually escaped my relationship a long time ago, and basically buried/minimised everything for years and years. I tried to forget because it was too hard to accept the man I loved had been monster, and I felt ashamed, like it had been my fault. So I “moved on”…. and even got married to a lovely man. It was easier to pretend it hadn’t happened.

Only recently have I been unable to keep a lid on it any longer. One of the lovely ladies here said to me “trauma is like a ripple in a carpet…you can flatten it down, but it will pop up somewhere else”. I have only just sought help and counselling in the last few months…I felt as though I didn’t deserve help, because I should be over it by now. I was upset about dragging it all back up.

But In a way I am grateful, as the distance has allowed me to work thorough things and understand myself better – why I am the way I am. My counsellor said sometimes this can only happen when you are strong and secure enough to process it all; which can take years. I didn’t feel strong a all, but what she said makes sense now. It’s hard, I’m not there yet, but I feel like the power he had over me is getting smaller each day, and mine is growing.

That’s just my experience, and yours will be unique to you. You may not feel ready yet…but I wanted to share, in case any of this resonates with how you are feeling. Please be assured that healing has no timeline, and we all get there at our own pace. It’s never too late xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi Lionsloth, I am sorry you are reliving the abuse and having nightmares. This happens to me too and many other ladies. It can get better, with time and being kind to yourself. Counselling has been really helpful to me and I am finding that I relive things much less often now and feeling stronger each week. It is important to find therapist who understands and let’s you take things at your own pace.

As Darcy says, affirmations can help. For some people journalling can be useful, I write down my thoughts and feelings or things I want to discuss in therapy. I have a list of “anchors” in my journal which I read or say aloud when my emotions and thoughts overwhelm me. They are statements that bring me back to the here and now, and remind me I am safe and have good things in my life now. You could try essential oils like lavender or geranium to help calm you before bed, and breathing exercises like box breathing. I also listen to binaural beats for deep sleep on my earphones sometimes.

It doesn’t suit everyone, but I find researching and reading has helped me to understand better and take some of the power away from my ex in my mind. There are some good books around if you are a reader.

I totally relate to what you said about those thoughts intruding when you are being intimate with a current partner. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable so I think that is natural. Is your partner aware and understanding of what you’ve been through?

Take it day by day, it will get better. Love and hugs x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi Fairydust, one of the other ladies recommended Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to me recently, and I have found it incredibly helpful. It really validated my experiences and made me feel much less alone. Everything started to make sense after reading it.

I also found Power by Shahida Arabi helpful to my situation.

I am quite new so I am sure other ladies will have more suggestions.

Well done for taking the step and I am glad you are safe. Hugs x

[Lifeinterrupted]

My relationship was pretty much all bad at the end, he was callous and cruel almost all of the time, openly cheating etc. But yes I did still feel that longing, even though I knew if I went back something terrible would happen. I never knew about trauma bonding until much later, but it explains why I felt that way. He tried to get me to go back because I was the one that ended it, and threatened suicide etc. This kind if emotional blackmail is part of the pattern, and exploits that bond even if you feel you hate them. No contact was the only thing that saved me.

[Lifeinterrupted]

Please be gentle with yourself, so many of us have made that mistake; myself included (more than once, too). It’s really hard to break a trauma bond, and this is part of their pattern of behaviour – lovebombing you, to wear you down when you are vulnerable. I am sorry you had to go through this hurt, but hopefully it will help you to break the bond. No contact is the only way to be free of him, these men do not change.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that the lovely, kind, attentive version of him isn’t real; and never was real. It’s like a mask they wear, to manipulate us into believing they are something else. It’s a very tough thing to come to terms with. Remember, he is wearing that mask for this other woman too. However nicely he is treating her now, it’s all fake and his true colours will come out sooner or later. You are not the problem, he is – and always will be. You are worth so much more xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

It can be really hard to even acknowledge that you were abused, or how bad it was. It has taken me years to get to that point, and be in a place to talk about it. You do question your entire reality, and its almost impossible for anyone who hasn’t been through this experience to understand what it can be like. People do question whether it could be that bad, because surely you would have left etc. But they don’t understand how the abuser grooms you, gaslights you, manipulated you; and how trauma bonding works to trap you in that relationship. So it can make you doubt your perception, but trust yourself. Ladies here understand ❤

A good counsellor will take things very much at your pace, and help you work to the outcomes YOU want to achieve. Having a counsellor who is experienced with domestic abuse, trauma, and sexual violence can be helpful. Mine isn’t specialised in that area, but she is very gentle and on my wavelength as a person, so it works for me. They have to make you feel safe.

It takes immense strength to extract yourself from an abuser, and to find the resources within you to carry on moving forward, as you have done. Never forget that, and give yourself credit for it, Gardening. It’s a huge achievement.

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi Gardening. I am so glad you are reaching out for help now. Burying or minimising our experiences of abuse is a coping mechanism in response to trauma. Our brain often shuts down to help us survive, or the memories can be really fragmented. So please know that it happens to many of us, you are not alone.

I am also just now seeking help many years afterwards. At the time, it can be hard to acknowledge what we have been through, and we can’t always process it until we are ready. I was able to find free counselling through a local community organisation, which has been really helpful to me in working through all the unresolved feelings and letting go of the shame and guilt. There may be something similar in your area, or your local domestic abuse service may be able to offer it, if you feel it is right for you. I think attitudes are quite different now than they were even a few years ago, there is more support and awareness, and we have communities like this to be there for each other. Wishing you the best in your healing Xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and your kindness.I am sorry for my slowness I have not logged on for a few days.

I guess it will always stay with me, the only reason I was numb about it for so long was because I completely dissociated as a coping mechanism. You can’t go through something like this without it changing you as a person. I am going to try writing my story and also a letter of forgiveness to my younger self (my counsellor suggested this). She also suggested I write one to him (not to send) but I am not sure I can do that yet.

I am starting to feel anger, which she said was a good thing and empowering, but I need to deal with that in a healthy way. I’ve been snappy this week and irritated by everything 🙂

Xx

[Author]

Posts