Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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17th March 2021 at 7:40 am #123399
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHey Poppy. Yes, I am finding all the news and debate about this a bit triggering at the moment; it’s everywhere and feels impossible to avoid the subject! It has definitely got to me emotionally. I feel like it has set me back a bit in my recovery (had flashbacks and nightmares again which I haven’t for a little while).
It is hard to explain to others that you don’t want to discuss it or hear about it. I do care very much, but I just can’t get into that topic.I feel very angry at the moment.
I did have night terrors for a while after I left, I was lucky they stopped; now I just have regular bad dreams. I think it’s part of the brain trying to process your trauma.
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15th March 2021 at 9:37 am #123269
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi gettingtired.
His behaviour is not ok. At best, it is completely disrespectful of you, and your relationship. It’s not an acceptable way to behave in a healthy relationship. At worst, it is just another form of abuse. As Hawthorn said, this sounds like triangulation; a tactic designed to make you feel insecure and like you should be grateful to be with them (so you overlook bad behaviour, putting them even more in control).
My ex used to do things like this all the time. It is extremely damaging to your self confidence and makes you question your own reality. If you haven’t got much experience of what a healthy relationship looks like (I hadn’t as my ex was my first), you start to believe that this might be normal or even acceptable.
It wasn’t until I escaped that I realised how bad it was, and that he had in fact cheated on me several times. While I was with him, I didn’t want to see it and was so gaslit that I ignored all my instincts. In hindsight it was obvious
and then I found things out from other people. I finally moved on and found a healthy relationship, I realised that not all men do this and it really wasn’t normal or OK; it was actually just a way of making me feel smaller and more powerless. -
15th March 2021 at 9:11 am #123268
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThank you so much for posting this, AderynDu.
The recent news and subsequent debate has brought up a lot of strong emotions for me, too; and a need to better honour my experiences and my story. I feel like anger and frustration is bubbling up…I totally get that sense of wanting to scream.
Thank you for writing so beautifully what I am sure many of us are feeling x
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15th March 2021 at 8:59 am #123267
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi overreactinglady. You are absolutely NOT over reacting to this. It is not ok in any way to be on dating sites if you are in a relationship. There is no reason to be checking notifications and receiving messages unless you are pursuing other options.
At best, this is completely disrespectful of you and your relatio ship. At worst, it is triangulation, a tactic designed to keep you feeling insecure and threatened in the relationship ship so you will grateful to have him and overlook his bad behaviours.
Also, it is a common pattern of abusers to start treating you differently once they know you have figured them out; withholding and being cold towards you. They hate it because it means they have lost some control of you.
One of my biggest regrets with my ex is not listening to my gut instinct and intuition more. Your instincts seem spot on to me, and you deserve so much better than him – even if he has made you believe otherwise. But yeah it feels horrible. It really sucks.
Sending you love and hugs x
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14th March 2021 at 4:39 pm #123234
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantI can only reiterate what KIP said. He is a textbook abuser. He is smearing your name with others to control you, because he knows a bit if you has seen through him and he wants to take away your support network. You are so trauma bonded, you are bound to feel confused. He has given you a glimpse of the person you want him to be, but then snatched that hope away from you.
What he did to you was rape. You are not in any way to blame, he chooses to do these things to you. You shouldn’t have to be with someone who scares you. Please, please report him, contact domestic abuse services and get dome real practical support. These men never change.
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12th March 2021 at 11:25 am #123085
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantBusyditch, it is absolutely not your fault. If you had the power to make someone treat you badly, you would also have the power to make them stop. They choose to treat you that way, please never feel you are to blame. But also please understand that most of us have felt or do feel that way. It’s what abuse does to you.
Convincing ourselves that it isn’t that bad, normalising it….that is just the way our brain reacts to help us deal with what we live through. Its a defence mechanism to help us survive in the face of horrible treatment. Please believe there is nothing “wrong” with you. These feelings are a perfectly normal response to trauma. It befuddles our brain, that is why we feel so confused. I still feel like this at times, years later.
It’s NOT you. This is hard stuff, but you aren’t alone. We are here for you xx
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12th March 2021 at 9:43 am #123078
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi busdyditch! Your description of “barely existing” is how I felt for sure.
I’ve realised that the strength and courage it takes us to just exist in an abusive situation is immense….even though we don’t feel it at all. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for that.
Keep reaching out to the forum, in whatever way feels comfortable to you. I’m glad you are here. Sending love and hugs x
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12th March 2021 at 9:21 am #123074
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantOh, Lionscloth <3I really understand what you’re saying there. I actually escaped my relationship a long time ago, and basically buried/minimised everything for years and years. I tried to forget because it was too hard to accept the man I loved had been monster, and I felt ashamed, like it had been my fault. So I “moved on”…. and even got married to a lovely man. It was easier to pretend it hadn’t happened.
Only recently have I been unable to keep a lid on it any longer. One of the lovely ladies here said to me “trauma is like a ripple in a carpet…you can flatten it down, but it will pop up somewhere else”. I have only just sought help and counselling in the last few months…I felt as though I didn’t deserve help, because I should be over it by now. I was upset about dragging it all back up.
But In a way I am grateful, as the distance has allowed me to work thorough things and understand myself better – why I am the way I am. My counsellor said sometimes this can only happen when you are strong and secure enough to process it all; which can take years. I didn’t feel strong a all, but what she said makes sense now. It’s hard, I’m not there yet, but I feel like the power he had over me is getting smaller each day, and mine is growing.
That’s just my experience, and yours will be unique to you. You may not feel ready yet…but I wanted to share, in case any of this resonates with how you are feeling. Please be assured that healing has no timeline, and we all get there at our own pace. It’s never too late xx
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11th March 2021 at 9:06 pm #123051
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi Lionsloth, I am sorry you are reliving the abuse and having nightmares. This happens to me too and many other ladies. It can get better, with time and being kind to yourself. Counselling has been really helpful to me and I am finding that I relive things much less often now and feeling stronger each week. It is important to find therapist who understands and let’s you take things at your own pace.
As Darcy says, affirmations can help. For some people journalling can be useful, I write down my thoughts and feelings or things I want to discuss in therapy. I have a list of “anchors” in my journal which I read or say aloud when my emotions and thoughts overwhelm me. They are statements that bring me back to the here and now, and remind me I am safe and have good things in my life now. You could try essential oils like lavender or geranium to help calm you before bed, and breathing exercises like box breathing. I also listen to binaural beats for deep sleep on my earphones sometimes.
It doesn’t suit everyone, but I find researching and reading has helped me to understand better and take some of the power away from my ex in my mind. There are some good books around if you are a reader.
I totally relate to what you said about those thoughts intruding when you are being intimate with a current partner. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable so I think that is natural. Is your partner aware and understanding of what you’ve been through?
Take it day by day, it will get better. Love and hugs x
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10th March 2021 at 11:48 pm #123011
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi Fairydust, one of the other ladies recommended Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to me recently, and I have found it incredibly helpful. It really validated my experiences and made me feel much less alone. Everything started to make sense after reading it.
I also found Power by Shahida Arabi helpful to my situation.
I am quite new so I am sure other ladies will have more suggestions.
Well done for taking the step and I am glad you are safe. Hugs x
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2nd March 2021 at 3:30 pm #122609
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantMy relationship was pretty much all bad at the end, he was callous and cruel almost all of the time, openly cheating etc. But yes I did still feel that longing, even though I knew if I went back something terrible would happen. I never knew about trauma bonding until much later, but it explains why I felt that way. He tried to get me to go back because I was the one that ended it, and threatened suicide etc. This kind if emotional blackmail is part of the pattern, and exploits that bond even if you feel you hate them. No contact was the only thing that saved me.
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27th February 2021 at 2:08 pm #122420
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantPlease be gentle with yourself, so many of us have made that mistake; myself included (more than once, too). It’s really hard to break a trauma bond, and this is part of their pattern of behaviour – lovebombing you, to wear you down when you are vulnerable. I am sorry you had to go through this hurt, but hopefully it will help you to break the bond. No contact is the only way to be free of him, these men do not change.
What I have to keep reminding myself is that the lovely, kind, attentive version of him isn’t real; and never was real. It’s like a mask they wear, to manipulate us into believing they are something else. It’s a very tough thing to come to terms with. Remember, he is wearing that mask for this other woman too. However nicely he is treating her now, it’s all fake and his true colours will come out sooner or later. You are not the problem, he is – and always will be. You are worth so much more xx
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25th February 2021 at 5:47 pm #122346
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantIt can be really hard to even acknowledge that you were abused, or how bad it was. It has taken me years to get to that point, and be in a place to talk about it. You do question your entire reality, and its almost impossible for anyone who hasn’t been through this experience to understand what it can be like. People do question whether it could be that bad, because surely you would have left etc. But they don’t understand how the abuser grooms you, gaslights you, manipulated you; and how trauma bonding works to trap you in that relationship. So it can make you doubt your perception, but trust yourself. Ladies here understand ❤
A good counsellor will take things very much at your pace, and help you work to the outcomes YOU want to achieve. Having a counsellor who is experienced with domestic abuse, trauma, and sexual violence can be helpful. Mine isn’t specialised in that area, but she is very gentle and on my wavelength as a person, so it works for me. They have to make you feel safe.
It takes immense strength to extract yourself from an abuser, and to find the resources within you to carry on moving forward, as you have done. Never forget that, and give yourself credit for it, Gardening. It’s a huge achievement.
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24th February 2021 at 8:52 pm #122321
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHi Gardening. I am so glad you are reaching out for help now. Burying or minimising our experiences of abuse is a coping mechanism in response to trauma. Our brain often shuts down to help us survive, or the memories can be really fragmented. So please know that it happens to many of us, you are not alone.
I am also just now seeking help many years afterwards. At the time, it can be hard to acknowledge what we have been through, and we can’t always process it until we are ready. I was able to find free counselling through a local community organisation, which has been really helpful to me in working through all the unresolved feelings and letting go of the shame and guilt. There may be something similar in your area, or your local domestic abuse service may be able to offer it, if you feel it is right for you. I think attitudes are quite different now than they were even a few years ago, there is more support and awareness, and we have communities like this to be there for each other. Wishing you the best in your healing Xx
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24th February 2021 at 9:35 am #122283
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThanks everyone for your replies, and your kindness.I am sorry for my slowness I have not logged on for a few days.
I guess it will always stay with me, the only reason I was numb about it for so long was because I completely dissociated as a coping mechanism. You can’t go through something like this without it changing you as a person. I am going to try writing my story and also a letter of forgiveness to my younger self (my counsellor suggested this). She also suggested I write one to him (not to send) but I am not sure I can do that yet.
I am starting to feel anger, which she said was a good thing and empowering, but I need to deal with that in a healthy way. I’ve been snappy this week and irritated by everything 🙂
Xx
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17th February 2021 at 3:27 pm #121862
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantDefinitely useful to see it summarised like this! I am much more triggered by this behaviour in men ( stands to reason, I guess, and as TwistedSister said, there’s an added layer of threat because of their physicality).
I sort of wish stuff like this could be taught to girls in secondary schools, how to recognise a narc and relationship red flags etc. Knowledge is indeed power!
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17th February 2021 at 11:54 am #121844
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThank you, Darcy. I talked about it a bit at counselling last night, which helped a lot. Ive never spoken about it out loud before. The shame and anger are still raw but I realise I didn’t stand much of a chance at such a tender age. I am trying to accept these feelings as a natural to my experiences.
I have realised I am holding some anger towards the people in my life who should really have been looking out for me back then. In particular, I had confided a little bit in a teacher, who only dropped a vague hint to my parents that my boyfriend “wasn’t very nice”. Nowadays it would be a safeguarding concern. I suppose things have changed and I need to forgive. I need to work through that.
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17th February 2021 at 11:44 am #121842
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantI’ve wondered this, too; and spoke to my counsellor about it. In reality, only a very tiny % of the population would fit the criteria for a true n********t ( n**********c personality disorder). However, it is a spectrum, and a lot of toxic people do exhibit n**********c traitsand behaviours. It’s just a label, don’t get too hung up on it – someone might not quite ” fit” but that doesn’t mean they aren’t absolutely toxic, abusive and dangerous.
You did not make him like this, he chose to behave like this. We are brainwashed into blaming and doubting ourselves, but if we had the power to make them so cruel and callous, we’d also be able to make them stop. And we can’t, because they know exactly what they’re doing.
They always seem really lovely at the beginning, that is part of the the pattern. I’ve questioned myself on this many times. The reality is, the niceness is a facade designed to get you to trust them and attach. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Please don’t feel in any way that you caused this, and know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Sending you a big hug x
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14th February 2021 at 12:41 pm #121675
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantHave you heard of trauma bonding? If not, it is worth reading up about. Its quite possible that this is why you are feeling such a strong pull back to a man you know has been hurting you. If you explain things to him, he will probably be sorry and loving towards you, and your bond to him will become stronger. Then, the abuse will start again, maybe even worse than before, and it will be even harder for you to escape next time. This is the cycle of abuse, its what abusers do.
Everything you feel is normal, that emotional pull is hard. It took me years to leave my abuser; and in the end I only found the strength because the abuse had escalated so much that on some level, I knew that if I didnt he might seriously hurt or kill me. It sounds like your instincts have told you to get out. Please listen to them because they are right. You have done a good and brave thing.
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13th February 2021 at 9:48 pm #121663
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantOh wow, I love that! I am going to save that. Thanks for sharing.
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13th February 2021 at 12:49 pm #121633
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantI totally get that feeling. What your counsellor said makes a lot of sense x
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12th February 2021 at 9:38 pm #121592
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantIt’s an incredibly difficult thing to process and come to terms with, but that is the nature of abuse and coercive control. It creeps up on you and makes you doubt your experience/reality. Trust your instinct, if something feels off then it usually is. I am still processing and accepting things myself, and at times I doubt myself. The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft has been really helpful for me to recognise that my ex did abuse me, why I stayed so long, and how it affected me. You are doing the right thing in getting support and you are very brave. Keep reaching out, you’re not alone x
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10th February 2021 at 2:47 pm #121441
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThanks everyone for your replies. It just helps to know that someone gets it, you know? Because unless someone has been through it, I think it’s really hard to understand. Sometimes you just need someone to say ‘the way you are feeling is natural, and what happened to you wasn’t OK, and it was not your fault’.
I have reached out to my GP and she also suggested PTSD. She is referring me to specialist services. She was really compassionate and looked far back over my medical history. She said she thinks that has been an issue for me for a long time but just was not recognised (periods of depression/anxiety and unexplained symptoms which started when I was with him and carried on for years then sort of went away on their own – until now).
I do wish I had spoken out then, but I was doing the best I could, still being so young. I guess I thought burying it all was the right thing to do, I never knew any better. I do think I really need some therapy now to process this. I am going to seek counselling. It does make sense that maybe this has all bubbled up because I feel safe and strong enough now to handle it. I will do anything.
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10th February 2021 at 2:32 pm #121440
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantI just want to say that so much of what you have written resonates with me. You have expressed many things I have felt and thought but am finding hard to out into words. I am working through feelings about the person I was back then, and I too feel protective and sad for her. Thank you for sharing xx
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9th February 2021 at 12:52 pm #121374
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThanks, Hawthorn. It helps to look at it that way. I have never sought help because of the guilt and shame, which I still feel. I think I got to the point where I had convinced myself it wasn’t that bad, or it felt like it had happened to somebody else and not me. I really do need help now. The hardest thing is just acknowledging that I was abused and it wasn’t my fault.
In the cold light of day, I know my abuser is a very damaged person and I think maybe I thought I could love him better, and made excuses for him because of his own past.
You are right about grieving. I think that is a big part of it. I am definitely grieving for my younger self, so naive and hopeful, and all the years I gave to someone who could never love me the way I deserved. Such a betrayal of trust. In hindsight the relationship was borderline inappropriate given the age difference. There was a huge imbalance of power. I need to get as much help as I can now, I have been carrying this burden for too long and I am tired.
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8th February 2021 at 7:50 pm #121333
Lifeinterrupted
ParticipantThank you Ocean.
I am not sure I ever really processed what happened, I was so young when I met him and looking back, it is like I was brainwashed. It completely shaped my sense of self. I think I totally detached from what happened once the relationship ended, like it happened to someone else… and only now is it really sinking in just how toxic that relationship was. The memories are painful and I just want them to go away.
I was at a good place in my life and I am scared I am going backwards. My husband is struggling with it as he knew the person concerned and it feels like an intrusion into our lives. I worry this will affect our relationship or I am going mad.
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