Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Rabbitgirlyy,

First, welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a supportive place to be.

It’s great to hear you have managed to leave the abusive relationship and are now happy and well in a healthy one. Given your past experience with abuse, there could be some trauma you are still carrying and dealing with since you have left and that is perfectly normal. It’s also understandable that you would have concerns for his new partner. However, try and not burden yourself with feeling somehow responsible in any way, as it simply isn’t your responsibility to inform (and could potentially put you both at risk). Hopefully, this new partner of his will seek out the support she needs when it’s needed.

Also, if you ever reported his behaviour in the past to the police, it should be on record, and his new partner potentially could find this out by using Clare’s law. Information can be disclosed to her about any previous abusive or violent offending by the police. This can be a potential source of help for her to leave the relationship if she is sensing something is not right.

You may find it helpful for you to access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Do keep posting here as well. I’m sure many women can relate to how you are feeling.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Surrendered,

First , welcome to the forum. It seems you have just started posting here, so I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to share your experiences.

I want to also express that I’m sorry to hear of your difficult situation with your adult son. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is when the abuser is your child. Unfortunately, it is not unusual to hear about abusive behaviour from an adult child towards their parents and or adult siblings. Any familial abuse can have very complicated layers of guilt and shame and you can feel trapped due to a sense of duty or responsibility to your abusive child.

Please know ultimately, you have a right to live a life free from abuse and take action as you need to be safe and well. Your son’s behaviour is unfortunately by choice, and he needs to take responsibility for the detrimental affects of his actions.

That doesn’t take away from how distressing this all is for you, so it may be helpful for you to engage with your local domestic abuse service. They can offer both on-going emotional and practical help if needed. Let them know all that has been happening and they can go over all your options with you so you can make some important decisions.

Do keep posting to let us know how you are. You are not alone and I’m sure there are many women here who can relate to what you are going through.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Bulbssprouting,

Unfortunately, the idea that alcohol, or someone’s mental health is the cause for someone’s abusive behaviour is somewhat of a myth. Abuse and violence are a choice, and there is no excuse for this behaviour. Domestic abuse happens throughout all levels of society regardless of social standing, health, or status.

Using drugs and alcohol may exasperate already predisposed abusive behaviour, but it doesn’t make someone abusive.

Any mental health or alcohol issues that your partner may have (and many people in society do), he ideally then needs to take responsibility and get the professional help he needs, to ensure he gets better and that the people around him are not negatively impacted.

To understand more the dynamics for domestic abuse, you may want to engage in The Freedom Programme or contact your local domestic abuse service for either one-to-one, or group support sessions that can help bring clarity and assurance for you, so you can move forward with your well-being as priority.

Understandably you long to see the positive behaviours that your partner has shown in the past that made you feel good. I’m sure many women here can relate to that. Keep posting, you are not alone.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Lionking,

Understandably you are reaching out on this, as it’s a difficult situation to navigate.

Minimeerkat’s thoughtful reply provides really helpful points to consider. Ultimately, as mentioned, this has to be your decision, as you know him and your circumstances better than anyone. Statistically, we know though, that abusive partners tend not to change. There may be, as minimeercat explained, a brief time where the perpetrator seems to demonstrate more positive behaviour, but all too often, old patterns begin to emerge. It’s worth adding as well, that your abusive partner needs to be wanting to change, not as a reaction to feeling he may lose you, but as a real and genuine concern for his own behaviour.

Perhaps it would be useful for you to engage in The Freedom Programme. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website.

Your local domestic abuse service may be able to provide some on-to-one or group support which may bring clarity for you, so don’t hesitate to ask.

Keep posting here as well. And trust your gut. Hopefully more women will come through, sharing their experiences of an abusive partner promising to change.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Taylor,

You are absolutely not ‘messed up’. From the little that you exampled about his behaviour, there are some real indicators of abusive, dismissive, manipulative behaviour. Sounds like he is trying to ‘love bomb’ you and is getting frustrated that you are not responding the way he wants you to. You’re listening to your gut instincts, and we will always advise doing this as it’s most always right.

Remember that other family members and your children are not the one in the relationship, and they very likely do not see the behaviours that you do. It’s the right thing to trust how you feel about him and act on it. You also do not owe anyone an explanation to justify any choices you make.

Keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on. It’s good to get perspective and I’m sure the behaviours you’re experiencing will be very familiar to many of the other women here.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Taylor,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds like you have been really let down as a child and now as an adult by the people who should love and support you. You had to bear a lot of responsbilty from a young age and your needs were not heard or listened to. None of this is your fault, abusers target vulnerability and they choose to be abusive.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at
Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hello,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. You are having to process a lot and feeling hyper vigilant and sensitive to things that feel every day- that is your brains way of trying to protect you, it doesn’t want you to be hurt again.

You may need time to feel safe again and that’s okay you deserve that time to put yourself first, give yourself that compassion. You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at
Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Justlost,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. what you have described is overwhelming- you are having to process a lot as well as escaping an unsafe situation.

Do keep reaching out to those who understand and support you- it is really hard what you are going through.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi choccie3,

Thank you for sharing with us about what you are going through. It is understandable you are finding your partner’s behaviour distressing and perhaps exhausting to deal with. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. I hope it has helped to post on the forum.

Abusive behaviour can often be subtle which can cause confusion and doubts about what is happening. If you would like to talk things through with a Women’s Aid Support Worker in confidence then you could use the Live Chat service (available every day) via this link.

Or, if you would like to reach out to your local domestic abuse service then they can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support face-to-face or via phone. You can find your local domestic abuse service here.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Lisa]

Hello I.dont.know,

I’m so sorry to hear this has happened.

Sadly abusers will use any excuse to escalate the abuse or to behave violently or intimidatingly towards us. It’s absolutely not okay for him to hit you under any circumstance, and he may use the excuse ‘you hit me first’ with full knowledge that his disproportionate retaliation may cause pain or injury. Someone who is not abusive would not find any satisfaction in hurting their partner.

It’s never acceptable to hit someone, but you’re right it was not a normal reaction, his behaviour was not appropriate or reasonable.

Thank you for sharing this, it’s important to be aware of these behaviours early as abuse does escalate over time and physical abuse can become really dangerous. Please be mindful of your safety and consider a plan in case you feel unsafe at any time.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened, it sounds very frightening and distressing for you.

Here is the Live Chat link in case you are able to safely chat when they are open tomorrow 8am-6pm or over the weekend 10am-6pm. The Support Workers will be able to talk things through with you and explore your options based on your circumstances. I am also going to send you a private message.

Take care,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You described how he speaks to you, he calls you names and sounds like things escalate when you set your boundaries or stand up for yourself.

You have been enduring a lot for a long time and its completely understandable you had a human response to that- you saying those things doesn’t reflect on you as a person- do you feel he wakes up regretting the way he treats or speaks to you?

Its important you take things at your own pace and make any decisions when you feel ready- be kind to yourself

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Bananaboat,

Thank you for sharing this with us. That must be really difficult to navigate and upsetting to see the impact of this behaviour.

It is really important for children to have a consistent routine and that includes contact with the non resident parent. It is horrible when they are used to help with abusers “image” but neglected at other times. Safety is the most important thing so I wouldn’t suggest confronting them about their behaviour if this would make you unsafe. However, you have a right to set boundaries around contact and that it has to be consistent.

If a child is feeling rejected its important to try and give them reassurance around this and that they haven’t done anything wrong and its okay to acknowledge their disappointment. The Mix are a support service that can connect children/young people to support services around any problems they may be having including domestic abuse. They can be contacted on 0808 808 4994 or via their live chat service.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi bubblesforme,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. It sounds like you are having to bear a lot of responsbility as well as him blackmailing you or intimidating you into giving him money. you setting your boundaries in this way is not coercive control- he is trying to twist the situation for his benefit. It doesn’t sound like he is considering the impact of his actions on you or others.

I can understand this must feel overwhelming and you are feeling stuck. Do reach out to all of the support that is avaliable to you.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi TS,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. its not an overreaction at all- financial abuse is about controlling behaviour and it is frightening. As you mentioned recieving threatening letters, reminders about debt are anxiety inducing and leaves you feeling on edge- on top of dealing with the abuse.

It is concerning that you were made liable for something you didn’t agree to or had knowledge of. You may find it helpful to contact the Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse. This is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Fri 9am- 5pm).

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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