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It has got to the point my self esteem is affected and if people say nice things I think they are lying

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Im in same boat I just want to move on but I’m always playing stuff in my mind and am distracted I did get medication it helped for a short while but I’m thinking of increasing the dosage you are not alone .I’m at a point I’m always obsessing reasearch and wondering why I was never enough and the family what he had I will never understand it.o ended the relationship as he had a dual life I just can’t get over it it’s taking over my life I’ve been told I’m not elegible to therapy but you might x

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Hi there I have already exhausted all help available I’m not entitled to therapy at the moment And already on mediation

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Hi I noticed your post but didn’t think much of it until my exs name kept coming up and then it dawned on me my child has the same surname I was passing child’s medical records which were hung up when I saw it and instantly almost had a panic attack only looking at the surname .despite all what’s gone on I’ve been told I can’t ever attempt to change it but I still spoke to my child and told child it’s their choice when 16.my child confirmed there will be a name change then on child’s own accord and I will also ask other child.child knows how hurt I am and I won’t keep secrets for what he did to me like he wants .he been wanting me to keep my mouth closed I won’t it will come out what I know about him I won’t hesitate.my child is happy to change it

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I don’t think you truly do without closure you just learn to deal with it my ex lived a double life he even planned children in the other life I feel heartbroken but more disgusted that he did this it’s been a while for me but I’m still bitter and angry I wasted my life on him

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I can relate since I left I have a lot of memory loss and hard managing things especially money and bills but I did push myself I have children he helped with a bit of that but not much but he constantly told me I couldn’t cope alone but I proved him wrong I stopped asking for help as he was using it against me and to exert control we were separated so I didn’t want this and I started to feel like he didn’t want his kids just me if we made arrangements I bought a diary it helped a little but not much i also worry I’m overeactng but know I wouldn’t have left if I was

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I also threatened to leave so many times and he used to say that I wouldn’t he knew I wasn’t strong enough at that time and they know you won’t go.i even asked him to end it for me he would not do it.triangulation got so bad I think he was doing it to another woman but with me either that or he was deleting my photos and only sending her pictures of him and the kids it was so wierd.he had another woman but acted as if I didn’t exist and I started noticing it but she knew about me and he sometimes would talk to her whilst I was at home or in the room it was very abusive I can’t even believe I am writing it and I allowed it to go on for sure long

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For me the abuse got worse it was not physical no it was emotional he started triangulating me with women but it was very blatant he started posting provocative videos on social media for me to see and more of them together as if we weren’t in a relationship.he also then acted like nothing At happened it took all this and me speaking out about his behaviour to realise there was more to it .i realised he constantly gaslighted me but I didn’t know what gas lighting actually was at the time or how to describe it until I confided in a friend.my friend and another one said what I was experiencing was not right and they was even very angry and couldn’t believe a man I had children with very young .they couldn’t believe what he was doing and so blatantly.i looked back on the relationship and realised it had gone on the whole relationship this triggered me to have ptsd and tinnitus I had nightmares and panic attacks when I used to think about him .my sleep was disturbed he was living a double life .he used to torment me the thing what also stood out was he was on his phone 24/7 and guarded it with his life and turned it over at the time I laughed it off but he was cheating that wasn’t all he was also deceitful in other ways I can’t forgive I left I didn’t say a word packed everything up and my kids and left but I really had no where to go I ended up returning but I told him I wanted the relationship to end he was hesitant but deep down I think the triangulation gor worse because he was planning to leave anyway he in my eyes got what he wanted from me.these people are users I built him up financially and gave him things no one else could I don’t forgive him I wasted a decade and I’m disgusted I’m upset for not knowing and brushing things off but I’ll just tell you this it never gets better only worse

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I don’t think his intentions are empathetic it’s to get attention.if he is truly a **** they don’t even care if someone dies in my opinion.my parent died and mine took money from them without an ounce of empathy and gave it to a side chick he was happy to just take a dead person money afte he works full time.be very careful

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Relate to this and just want to say it’s ok to be bitter and even feel a little jelous but you are just jelous of a fantasy none of it is real and he treats her or will treat her just as bad.i was very bitter and I think it’s part of grieving the relationship.I’m angry at the deceit .it felt unfair to me as I felt like I wasted a lot of my young years for him to lie to me from the beginning and even have kids I was obsessed with being a family but it’s not what he really wanted not the way I did.i waited for him in many areas of my life and lowered myself but now it’s time to focus on you

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I’m having this issue all the time and left a while ago I did get a part time job which I’m happy about but still think of him a lot and talk of him a lot I hate his guts but still sort of wish him well I think I’m trauma bonded of what I’ve lost as a fantasy.we were together (detail removed by moderator) and he had a dual life I think about the deceitfulness a lot as he gave no closure I do spend a lot of time making my house a home as I moved out and doing gardening and cleaning and trying to be the best parent I can be.I’m not ready for a new relationship I want to focus on me and making my life better. and I do feel what’s happening with you now will affect your current relationship as it did me when I left and found someone but fingers crossed.

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I can relate not being believed after holding back so long is devestating .my ex didn’t do the same but he did move my mobile phone around and watch me look for it I know this because when I left it stopped happening I didn’t loose my phone as much .he always also looked at my bank statements which I felt invaded my privacy.he did stop me seeing family by using reverse physchology he always said I was busy talking about him slagging him to family for some reason unknown so I stopped seeing mother and father .he wasn’t there when parent died acted like he didn’t even want me to see him

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If it was me I wouldn’t have anything to do with the new woman that would be a trigger and the fact they got together so soon after break up means that they already had something flirty going on in my eyes whilst you were together from that information I know enough and already I won’t trust her round my childthat person may be involved with my child and that’s ok for me to hear a,b and c but as far as a coffee date I could not imagine but I hope it works out for you .you had an agreement but do you think if it was the other way round your ex would be as nice.at the minute they are in the love bombing stage and this might not even last.maybe your just stronger than me.i know you are thinking about your daughter but would you expect your ex to let her come to harm.if not I wouldn’t see the point in meeting her unless necessary.

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From my personal experience any tests you have range from 1-10 10 being the most traumatic and they can tell you almost instantly your results or you can ring them up if something is ongoing they don’t usually offer therapy but this is just my experience they wait until that is dealt with as therapy won’t work

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I think it’s a personal thing some people don’t think they need it or can be in denial as I was but realised I need it .i have children and noticed myself being very irritable I was also accessed and got a high score on anxiety I do think they help me I had them in the past when I was ok but after a decade long abusive relationship I felt it was needed

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Thanks for your post I wrote a post earlier this week about my mental health and it got taken down.I’ve been so close to giving my abusive ex partner everything he wants because of the court system I am now even scared to say anything to court because it looks like the more you speak the more they make out your crazy after keeping a closed mouth for many years.i have often wished my abusive ex would pass along with myself because he’s been treated like a saint and me the abuser for protecting my kids these people called (detail removed by moderator) Are terrible and treated me like a liar and I’ve got to do everything I’m told by courts or I’ll be punished it’s ridiculous

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The only thing you can do is get in touch with a contact centre this was bound to happen I never understand why the courts think another person will just drop there life’s to be carrying back and forth contact for an abuser .i was lucky a friend volunteered temporarily to be a middle man and do drop off and pick up but I don’t feel it works full time .especially when it’s a family member that’s upset about what your ex has done to you and everytime they see each other they have to bite their tounge because of court and yet the abusers are laughing at us because we have took time out of our busy day to entertain them.try and look at it from your relatives point of view.she probably dosent like feeling like she’s stuck in the middle and like he deserves it after all he put you through I don’t think she meant to hurt you.

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If he has a solicitor she is probably already telling him to do an arrangement order just let him say what he wants only reply with what is necessary or just acknowledge that you have received any letters you don’t need to tell them anything you don’t want to x

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Hi I do think infedelity is emotional abuse people try cover it up and say just cheating.but it’s abusive especially if it’s blatant and the other party never leaves knowing they are being a cheat .my ex was the same also several kids I had to end it for my mental health I was having panic attacks and started to feel worse I now need therapy for every thing he did.mine lived a dual life and planned a baby with both of us I had my baby I feel disgusted I kept questioning him but he kept denying it they are compulsive liars.it’s very hard when you have kids but look as a single parent your just as good as being on benefit as working I get a little bit more and work part time I’m not spending a penny on him like I used to or building him up only myself.can he not buy you out the business ?

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If it was me I’d consider a child arrangements order I don’t always feel court is needed but on this occasion I do I would not reply to him I’d just go online and do an order if you know his address you don’t need a solicitor for this you just fill in a form as an outsider looking in there is too much conflict going on from his side trying to control every about child contact t

[Mellow]

Please know you don’t get closure with these kinds of men your closure is moving on my ex lived a double life and I’ve never got any closure at all about how it all started and why he did it to me.they are secretive people they only say what you want to hear

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One thing I’ve learnt is to get a proper apology he has to admit to what he’s done for example when he apologises ask him to tell you exactly what he’s sorry for if he does not know it means he’s apologising to win you back also he may expect you to be friends again you can accept his apology if it’s genuine but tell him you don’t want to accept a friendship.i found staying friends didn’t work he would not go with my boundaries he would find ways to come and see me and when he did come he wouldn’t leave I had to tell him he’s outstayed his welcome .it became a regular think him wanting to come round say he’s come to see kids but stay way past there bed time.he would end up staying when they had even gone to bed expecting something from me I could not cope with it.

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Hi love not sure what others feel but I think it’s a great idea I’ve regularly thought the same but only thing stopping me is the kids love there school and I had the opportunity to be given a council house which I don’t feel like giving up as rent is miles cheaper I don’t want to end up worse of I also managed to get a job where I am which could be transferred if I left but is convenient for the moment.not sure how old your kids are but young kids are none the wiser when my kids were younger I did up and leave and it was the best decision unfortunately I got into another abusive relationship not long after .with my ex living here I’m constantly avoiding going places worrying he will be there and we have past him a few times in the car but I don’t care about that cause I’m laughing as he walks everywhere.know I shouldn’t but that makes the heartache a bit better.before you go you might want to research on the area you are planning to go and research local schools one thing I wasn’t good at lol.but this one is important and put there name down for September.hopefully you can also transfer your job.wishing you best of luck ..also I will add if you have a court order you may have to change it im not sure but if it was me I’d just go and let him take me to court about it and let him continue to see kids as they always want to reign you back in

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My ex did this very thing I didn’t think of this as abusive but I guess it is a form of pressure and abuse now you mention it mine used to go mad and if I gave in and gave him what He wanted and it wasn’t enough I would wake up next morning with his you know what there

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They need to see you are safe especially if they have tried to call and not got in touch with you

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All
What matters is you .if you have to go against family do it.you are in control now this is your life they are not living it .i would also consider cutting your family out .i know it’s hard but you don’t need that kind of drama.(detail removed by Moderator) I’m a prime example of someone who went against all that and I tell you if I didn’t I would be trapped in hell.if your family care about you they would care about your view they are not living it you have to do what’s right for you if it was me I’d leave the area you are living and get away from them all

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I also know how it feels pressuring them when you really don’t give a dam if they go or not they are awful beings

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I feel
Like you should apply for a child arrangements order he still trying to control you though I’m
Not a fan of the court system I feel you won’t need to get another person involved and get a legal parenting agreement you don’t have to answer to him only talk about the kids if you give him deadlines to get in touch about kids if he dosent by the deadline you have a right to not let him see them on that day if he’s asking last minute he still controlling you

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I’m sorry you feel this way I found my ex had a whole other family and planned her baby same time I had my baby with him I was and still am disgusted as she knew about me.some women don’t care so in my opinion I would show no more aggression over that woman and leave it to karma .these abusers are attention seekers and will only use your rage to their advantage

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I do remember not being allowed an opinion on big decisions but I don’t blame my mum she flees from abuse I left my school and family which I loved.but I later realised my father was abusive to her but had a temper to me also I think he had npd traits as I always walked on eggshells and I remember him being physical towards her on one occasion I can’t get that out my mind my mum did go back after leaving several times some of the abuse I did not see.i don’t know why I ended up like this just know I didn’t want to leave my friends and family and found it very scary new homenewschooland I always wanted to go back home that feeling didn’t leave but started being reserved after the abuse could not speak to father after what I witnessed but had to spend time with him loved him but I couldn’t form a bond ever after that I became very reserve but no one at home noticed .i hated school I was bullied for being pretty.but it all started when mum escaped my life changed

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