Missssy

[Missssy]

Thank you ladies for your support and advice.
I really hope that going forward you are all able to have some peace and not experience any reappearances from these pathetic excuses for people.

The trouble is sometimes it’s hard for me to distinguish what is a flying monkey and what is a genuine approach usually regarding my child but occasionally with some malicious communications thrown in. (all still get ignored, it’s just the mess it makes in my own mind)

I read up on rights of women as per your advice purplecat, and I did indeed find it helpful so thank you. He is on that exact kind of holiday, but I have been informed that he has taken steps to catch his return flight early – very soon indeed.

Of course I am again massively unsettled by this and am just starting to feel it is non stop, unrelenting in his mission to stay in my head. Maybe I’m making it too much about me, giving myself too much importance I don’t know. But it seems that there has definitely been an escalation in his spitefulness. I’ll go for a while and hear nothing and think ‘ok I’ve been left alone now’ and then as if by clockwork it’s another pop up from him or someone on his ‘team’.

What is this about?

[Missssy]

It does sound like he is trying to flex his muscles here, and clearly wants to be the one calling the shots. He doesn’t like the fact that you were assertive and have set clear boundaries with contact, so he is bound to push them. Wants you to know he ‘has the power.’

You may want to look into different avenues of contact with your children as he isn’t respecting the rules you have set out for him. You might need to get mediators or some other 3rd party to get involved.

His partner probably is sick of it and uncomfortable with it but he may well intimidate her out of questioning him or making any demands. These people have trouble letting go and I think new ‘partners’ just have to like it or lump it as far as they are concerned.

[Missssy]

Thank you so very much for your response. I have been and will continue to look into my rifhts and what action I can take to ensure my child is kept safe and hopefully away from any kind of malice or manipulative intent.

(Detail removed by moderator) which prohibits him from making any contact with myself other than via solicitors in regard to contact with our child. I’m veering more towards believing that it is probably a game that is being played with me rather than a genuine desire to be a father and a positive influence in his child’s life.

I think I have just felt it quite overwhelming. It’s the cyclical pop ups.. almost like clock work every X number of weeks. There will be a silence and I will think I’ve been left alone and begin to feel confident, then there’s another event or some form of contact or mind game (he finds ways to get to me without breaching his conditions) which just makes me feel very uncomfortable. It’s unsettling to think that someone is so laser focused on you that they keep making it their mission to remain in your head.

[Missssy]

Hi there.
My opinion is yes this does sound like coercive control.
It is not normal behaviour for people that function at a normal level of respect, however it is fairly normal for someone with abusive tendencies. The manner in which he is trying to call all the shots with regards to contact, pushing your boundaries regarding personal calls. Ordering you to get in his car? Controlling the new ‘partner’ in front of you.
The fact you didn’t think you had the right to say no? The interrogations your DD faces when she speaks to him. You are right these questions he asks her are underhanded ways of finding out what is going on with you, but under the guise of concern for his daughters life. It’s a link to you, and a way he can still bother you and wind you up or cause you to doubt yourself.

He decided after you’d given birth he did not want to commit? I think that even has controlling undertones to it. He had your whole pregnancy and probably time before that to decide whether or not he wanted a commitment. A child is a lifelong tie to someone, and he knows that. The way I am seeing it is this is all emotional control, and I’m sorry you are going through it and questioning yourself. You have done the right thing by trying to set boundaries and seek legal advice xx

[Missssy]

Particularly when you have maintained a radio silence and also legally blocked them from having any contact with you.. doing so would mean they run the risk of severe consequences. So is it a way to get in your head and hurt you whilst avoiding any punishments?

[Missssy]

Sorry I also meant to ask how are we able to figure out whether it is abuse by proxy or someone just lashing out off their own bat? Does anyone have any examples of similar experiences?

[Missssy]

I just want to say well done to everyone that has managed to find themselves again. You are all so strong and have come so far.

I really admire you and I hope that one day I too will be able to see my ‘worth’. I don’t think I have any really. But hopefully that will change at some point.

[Missssy]

Thanks so much for your advice.

Funnily enough she managed to get in touch with me (god knows how) but the approach was totally different to what I expected. It was a bit of a humble/pity party approach. Then this was followed up by a total change of heart and she has now promised to back off and understands if I don’t want my child to know her.

I find it a bit strange that this person has gone from bombarding me with private number calls, giving my number out to relatives for them to try, emailing me, to this. In the space of 6 days.

Really baffles me.

[Missssy]

I’m so sorry to drag this up again I just feel so alone. It doesn’t seem to matter how many people are around me, all I can think is that I’ve been forgotten about and cast aside.

It’s funny because there is a lot that actually doesn’t add up, and everyone except me seems to think this was some kind of show that was put on for my ‘benefit’ (detriment more like). They have unanimously said they think that he has drafted this person in for this exact purpose and has or will probably be discarding her when the job is done.

I just find it hard to believe that he would use someone to get at me. I don’t think I’m worth such trouble or that someone would actually do that?

[Missssy]

Apologies for repeating myself and parts of my story! I just re read this and don’t really like the way I sound but I can’t think of any other way to express it. I’m not trying to use my child as a weapon by any means, I just feel as though I could somehow get sucked in. Not even sure if he wants to suck me in but it just all feels a bit overwhelming to me

[Missssy]

Hi there. I think it’s perfectly fine and acceptable to feel the way you do. Definitely don’t reproach yourself for it!

It is clear from the way you post on here that you are of a very helpful and caring nature, it is your right to want some time with and for yourself! I think it has a lot to do with your spending the majority of your time helping others, in addition to what you have been through in your personal life. Allow yourself to feel this way, it’s like your instincts are telling you to get to know yourself again if that makes sense?

Just be mindful to keep in contact with those you trust and enjoy spending time with, in whatever way you feel comfortable. They don’t always have to be in your face! Just don’t want you to end up feeling isolated xx

[Missssy]

Lovely and uplifting to hear xx

[Missssy]

Thanks so much again – I am slowly trying to come around to being objective about it rather than letting my emotions and low self esteem rule me.

It does seem like it has been done to get at me. A further jab as he hasn’t had any other chances to get messages or manipulation to me in a very long time now. He knew while we were together that threatening me with leaving or saying we should see other people was a massive weakness to me – even worse than the insults and violence almost.

So perhaps it is just a continuation of abuse – trying to really hit me where he KNOWS it will hurt. Maybe. Definitely?

I am so ridiculously insecure I can’t even stick to one way of thinking.

[Missssy]

Thank you for taking the time to give me your views x

I don’t have any contact he was under strict instructions not to make any direct or indirect contact with me – no social media checking either- but we both had to be in the same place recently and that is where I have learned of her. He brought her somewhere he knew I had no choice but to be and see her. He courted me for a very long time before I got involved with him, and once I was with him he set about getting me to have a child with him (obviously I did but you know what these men are like) seemingly to trap me.

So I just struggle with how he has managed to ‘move on’ so quickly when he has lost me (who he worked hard to get hold of and then keep/trap) and the baby he is so ‘devoted to’. I don’t know what to make of it because I know I was a pretty big deal to him. Not meant in an obnoxious way at all but you know… 🙁

[Missssy]

Thank you for helping me apply a bit of logic and put things into perspective. My logical brain knows this is true, that it’s a ploy to get under my skin and get a reaction because he hasn’t had one for so long. It’s just my emotional/insecure brain that tells me otherwise, and I must say that voice is veryyyy powerful 😒 Xxx

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