MsTaken

[MsTaken]

It does sound like you’ve been quite unlucky when trying to get support. I don’t really know how it works with the gp but everything should be confidential and the receptionist shouldn’t be commenting on any information they find out or they will be sacked. I think you should keep trying with the helpline. Try to explain how you feel about the service you’ve had and see what they say. I’m sorry I can’t be much help to you

[MsTaken]

It’s hard for children to understand. And it’s hard for us mums to watch our children worry about a person who has hurt us so much. After I left my ex used to message my kids saying he was ill from crying and that he was going to events that they were missing because they were with me. My children never told me but I could see the change in their emotions after receiving the messages so I looked at their phones whilst they were asleep. After talking to the authorities about it I say my kids down and said I noticed a change in their behavior after getting the messages. They said they were worried about their dad. I said that it’s OK to worry because you love him but he is a grown man that is upset at the minute and eventually he will be OK. I think it’s hard for kids to know what they should do in this situation. Your daughter will worry about you too she might just show it in different ways. I thought my kids preferred him over me for a couple of years but then I found out he was playing the victim to them alot whilst I was trying to be the strong one. And my ex used to tell me what the kids were saying to him when they were worried but I soon learned that was a tactic to make me doubt myself and to make me feel that I wasn’t as close to my kids as he was. Have you seen the text? He could be lying

[MsTaken]

Don’t feel greedy of course you need support. If you need to rant you could try ringing the Samaritan’s, they don’t ask for your details. However you shouldn’t worry about passing your details on to domestic abuse services and things, they won’t just turn up at your door and they won’t ring you without your permission. They understand what situation your in and wouldn’t do anything to risk your safety. Building up the confidence to get started is hard and everyone understands that. You could try the national domestic violence helpline. Or maybe try your doctors? They might be able to refer you to someone X

[MsTaken]

It doesn’t sound like its dawned on him yet that your serious. Well done for starting the process. Stick with it but if he does scare you at all ring the police. I know your don’t want to but your safety is top priority X

[MsTaken]

Hi tall one, well done for reaching out. And we’ll done for making your escape. What you went through was really traumatic so don’t blame yourself for what happened. Trying to tell an abuser what they have done to you is pointless because they won’t accept what they have done. My ex just said “I abused him”, “I’m a basket case” and “stop living in the past”, which hurt me even more. There’s no quick fix to getting back to your old self unfortunately. It’s like they completely change your personality. I’m having therapy and doing the freedom project at the minute and I still find some things really hard. If your struggling to understand why all this happened I recommend you try and get someone to refer you to the freedom project or find some books about abusers that will explain their behaviour to you. I’m not sure what the books are called but a few other posters know what they are sorry. Learning why they are like that will give you an insight in to why so many things went wrong and you’ll find that you’ll be able to relate to the story’s alot so you won’t feel so alone in your recovery. You probably find that you have some triggers that remind you of bad memories and that can upset you too. Try and talk these over with your counsellor if your still going. Building your life back up is hard but you will get there eventually. Try to remind yourself every day of all the good things you’ve got going on now. Be proud of yourself! Your a survivor and your in recovery. Your allowed to get upset about the past, this will get easier over time. Sorry I don’t have a quick fix X

[MsTaken]

Hi recall, yes I get these triggers. One I struggle badly with are when my children come back from contact and they are singing songs he’s obviously playing in the car, that he used to play loud when he raped me. I get upset and angry and try to leave the room. They’re too young too understand what’s going on so then I have to lie to them about why I’m upset which makes me feel worse. Sorry I havnt got any advice. I’m in therapy for it now so if I learn any tricks I’ll post them on here x

[MsTaken]

There’s not much we can do really. I told the authorities what he’s like and the damage he’s doing but they just say “if their not in immediate danger there’s nothing they can do”. My kids love their dad and unfortunately see his behaviour as normal, probably because I stayed with him for so long and brought them up making excuses for him so it’s my fault. But even tho they love their dad we spend many days isolated because they are not allowed friends and many nights awake because of nightmares. I do my best to support them but when they say things like “I want to go to a friends birthday party, how are we going to tell dad?” I just think omg this is ridiculous! They’re booked in to children’s mental health sessions now to help them to make up their own minds about things but he’s already started getting at them about that. He’s told them it’s another way for me to stop them from seeing him so they’re scared of talking now. Just for the record I’ve never ever stopped him from seeing them so I hate it when he says that.

[MsTaken]

Haha mine did that. Got into massive arrears then got the money deducted from wages coz he wasn’t paying at all. The a few months later he quit his job and went self employed. So he’s back to not paying anything again! My kids are just old enough to start realising what’s going on so they’ll remember this in the future. He’s making his own bed now.

I like that line, I might frame it and send it to him haha

[MsTaken]

Omg he is so cheeky! They will do anything to get out of paying child support. My ex pays nothing even tho he’s fairly well off. Does your son want to go with him? I think your right telling him to leave it as it is. You obviously love your son very much so well done you xxx

[MsTaken]

It is hard. They go on holidays, eat out and buy new things all the time. Meanwhile me and our kids have been homeless and can barely afford basic things we need to keep up with school and occasions. I know he’s lying to her because if I got with a man who was leaving his kids without food or clothes then I’d tell him to honour his responsibilities atleast for the kids sake. And I know he’s showing her the contact book that I’ve had to recently buy again! He rights so different in the book to what he does when he’s at my door or harassing me by text. But he’s got a way of digging at me in the book that when it’s read by someone else it looks like a nice concerned dad. It’s driving me crazy! Everyone keeps telling me now he’s with someone new he’ll change. He’s not physically abusive anymore and he treats the kids a bit better but he’s still verbally horrible and refuses to pay maintenance even tho he’s in an extremely well paid job and he still phones everyone I know convincing them I’m mad. I just don’t understand why she can’t see it. My kids have started saying she does everything for him. Cooking, cleaning, running errands whilst he’s working. That’s how he started with me and I lost my career and friends in the end. I wish I could blast it all over social media but he’d probably have a come back that’s ten times worse leaving me in another mess

[MsTaken]

Oh and he’s been told to use contact book (Detail removed by moderator) but he seems to keep losing that too

[MsTaken]

Wow I’m going through the same. This new girlfriend is making it look like I was the bad one. I’m not jealous of her but yes, part of me does want the relationship to completely fail. I do worry about him doing to her what he did to me but she’s not going to listen to anything I say so there’s no point in me trying. He’s played the victim to her like a true professional. My kids do say they argue alot and things which part of me enjoys to hear, is that bad? However when she’s at his he can’t emotionally abuse our kids so she does have some benefit to being there. At the moment I’m just left feeling like I should be able to just broadcast what he’s done all over the internet. I mean it’s not really fair that I’m left doing therapy whilst he’s just moved on to his next squeeze

[MsTaken]

He’ll be fine in his friends bedsit. He’s not your child you don’t have any responsibility towards him. Do what you need to do xx

[MsTaken]

I’m struggling with the blame thing too. He didn’t get promoted and it was my fault because I made him depressed whilst he was at work. He couldn’t come to bed because I got to hot in the night and that made him ill. He got into debt which was my fault because he was spending his money on me (which I never saw). He had an affair and it was my fault because I didn’t love him enough. He raped me and it was my fault because he had needs that I wasn’t satisfying. He broke his foot and that was my fault because I asked him to hoover (I wasn’t even at home). The list is endless but I’m doing the freedom project and so many things he used to say are in this book. It is like the book has been written just about him. I’m starting to get over the feeling guilty for all the ways I apparently ruined his life but now I’m starting to feel shame for letting him blame me in the first place

[MsTaken]

I agree with kip. Once an abuser loses control they will look for anything they can use to try and get that hold over you. My ex used finances and it ultimately lead to me having to file for bankruptcy. Try not to feel responsible for him. He is an adult and should be able to look after himself. After all you need to focus on yourself at this important time.

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