oaktree

[oaktree]

I just think it’s not fair to berate someone for hours for saying no, and not letting them sleep

[oaktree]

The counselling, and all other channels, have all been about me being able to help him, I need to understand his physical illness better, I need to understand his mental illness better – because if I do then I will let him off, I will put up with it, because I will realise its not his fault.

Ive not read that book, but I have seen it mentioned a few times, to I am going to see if I can get a copy.

It is strange to see him send the email to the counsellor complaining, usually everything is directed at me, or random anonymous people like shop staff.

[oaktree]

Thanks Lisa, I tried a few times and got no reply after a few hours. But in the end I managed to get through to my local IDAS and they are helping me

[oaktree]

they are sending me a door jammer with an alarm so i can put that under a door if i need to hide in a room. and they can assign me an outreach worker

[oaktree]

Does anyone know how long it normally takes for you to get an answer on the WA live chat? It says average wait is 25mns, but I’ve had it open over an hour…..

[oaktree]

I have reverted back to trying to appease him. I let him touch me, I join in. And he is being nice, he made me breakfast in bed (though afterwards told me off for it because I am horrible for expecting him to do that), he de-iced the car for me before I can out to work.
Its just so much easier to go along with it. Hes not lost it completely now all weekend…

[oaktree]

That’s it, he blames me, but at the same time says I’m the only one that can help him get better. He doesn’t have a big support network of friends, and I have suggested people he can talk to, friends, family, helplines, but he says I’m his wife and should be supporting him

[oaktree]

Thanks everyone.

I’m not sure who to turn to next for help… the GP knows, from what you say Relate will make it worse…. I don’t know what to do

[oaktree]

Hi KIP, yes before (detail removed by Moderator) I stood up for myself and threatened to leave, which is when he went. He says he’s suffered for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years (all the time I have said he has been angry and aggressive), but that he’s been ignoring it. So now he’s gone to the doctors and got in touch with relate for counselling, and it generally desperately trying to save the marriage (except when he’s shouted and me and calling me names……but that’s not him, that’s the illness…)

[oaktree]

He’s on (detail removed by Moderator), looks fairly standard I think. I don’t think he’s getting cut, the online sessions are like a pre recorded lesson, not interactive

[oaktree]

He works, he’s managing that.

I am the cause of the depression and anxiety…

[oaktree]

KIP
I haven’t been to the docs with him, but he has been prescribed stuff. He is doing some online sessions on things like coping mechanisms starting (detail removed by Moderator).
I also called the GP with my concerns but they put that on my notes not his, as he is allowed to see his own records.

It has made me think though about these anxiety/panic attacks though…they are always at home, behind closed doors, and in front of me. I’d never really noted that before

[oaktree]

Its always at home – always…

[oaktree]

I don’t want to stay in the relationship, but I find it difficult to leave someone that is ill…
He has been the driver to go to counselling, there are individual sessions so i will hopefully get my points across. he hasnt admitted anything to them, just to me. He questions me all the time, about whether he is scaring me, or if I think he is abusing me ‘right now’…..and he accuses me of having an affair all the time…how would I even do that in lockdown!
He says sorry a lot, but not really asking how I am….he just seems to feel sorry for himself

[oaktree]

i have really struggled to talk to anyone as I don’t want to make it ‘official’. I’m worried as whenever I think about telling someone they make a point of saying if they think that a child is in danger they will have to inform social services or the police or whoever. I posted a while ago that I saw a psychosexual and relationship counsellor and I thought about telling her, i even kind of hinted….but then I bottled out.
I don’t think my daughter is in danger if I thought she was I would do something but I really don’t think she is, but if they thought it then social services got involved, then he would find out I had been talking about it and he would be so mad, and then maybe its all in my head and people would think I was just making it up or being over dramatic, then I might lose my children…….it all just seems to spiral out of control….

[oaktree]

I signed up and did the online freedom programme. He does some of the things they talk about some of the time. Others he is totally mr right…… I am still trying to get through to the helpline to get some advice

[oaktree]

I’ll give them another try tomorrow, maybe leave a message

[oaktree]

lines all busy so can’t get through….

[oaktree]

He has made an appointment to review his meds, he has agreed he cannot look after our daughter on his own whilst he is on steroids. I worry about when I work away, as I travel quite a bit with work. I just hope he is honest with the doc when he sees him and says really how bad it is, not just that he gets a bit moody sometimes. Perhaps the doc can refer him for some sort of counselling or something. I just don’t know what else to do. I might ring the helpline this afternoon, it can’t hurt can it

[oaktree]

Thank you, he is on his steroids agin which he blames for this occasion. He came back last night after a couple of hours and told me what happened. Our daughter wouldn’t get undressed for bed or take a bath so he threatened (detail removed by Moderator)….. he even went to get the (detail removed by Moderator) and took them upstairs, that would scare me never mind a toddler/preschooler.
I need to talk to him about looking at changing his medication. In the meantime I will never leave him alone with her again.

[oaktree]

Sorry for all the typos, I’m on my phone and it’s hard to type

[oaktree]

Oh I feel like I am going crazy now – I keep thinking I need to come off here because it is confusing me, I seem to get everything sorted in my head and then I get confused again. I really trust my counsellor, she trained with Relate and I did say a couple of things about my husband – I told her that he threatened to go because we ‘weren’t intimate enough’, I mentioned it because it really hurt my feelings but she just sort of dismissed it and said, he probably was just feeling frustrated so then I was sure I was over-reacting, and I said that he gets angry sometimes but she didn’t say anything and its her job to help people with relationship issues so I thought that she agreed that was all normal, I thought that maybe after we have addressed my past I could sort of check with her if everything else is ok, if I am still feeling like it might not be….

Its just that everything she says fits, with being hypersensitive to stuff and I explained it to my husband when I got home and he agreed and said he would help me.
He has been really nice recently, no anger or anything so I really think its ok, the therapist said that because of my past we should have a ‘sex ban’ for 1-2 weeks to try to introduce non-sexual intimacy back and he was fine with that and hasn’t even tried anything, he said he was really looking forward to when the ban finished – which worries me as I think he thinks I will be ‘fixed’ in a fortnight so not sure how to say that it might take longer, but he really is helping.
I don’t know what to do now, like I say I think I should leave here, I know you are all trying to help but I think its confusing me more, I think i need to stick with the counsellor and my husband for help
I understand what you say about ringing the helpline but i feel like I am being disloyal to him, if i tell them individual events that almost anything can sound abusive can’t it? I don’t want him to find out I was thinking like this he would be really hurt

[oaktree]

Thank you for your concern, but I made a mistake. I will discuss my relationship with the counsellor as you advise but I am sure that it is all in my head. She will be able to help me with that I am sure.
Thank you again

[oaktree]

I have been reading too much into the shouting and stuff because I see threats where there are no threats and I fear intimacy. It all makes sense.

Thank you ladies, take care

[oaktree]

Thank you for your very kind replies. My counsellor is a relationship and Psychosexual counsellor. We haven’t discussed my relationship with my husband yet only the rape but it makes sense. My husband is being supportive and has done lots of reading and it was him that first found out about rape trauma syndrome and suggested that might be what is going on and it all makes sense.

[oaktree]

Thanks Sunshine, and thanks to everyone who has shown me support I so appreciate it.

Take care
Bye

[oaktree]

I wasn’t doing it on purpose, or knowingly, I am just a bit messed up I think

[oaktree]

Thanks ladies, I have got ‘why does he do that’ downloaded onto my kindle so have been reading it a bit when I can

[oaktree]

I know – I read the first chapter of the book like he said and it does say that, about the chimp being what it is and you can’t change it, but that the ‘human’ can manage the ‘chimp’……but like I say its a really well respected book about changing behaviours. Maybe we will see if it actually changes anything, maybe its right and it is this chimp and he can get it under control. I think if he is reading the book he is making steps to change isn’t he?

But then I am beginning to really despise the book, the patronising, ‘I know it wasn’t me honey, it was the chimp, I recognise that now’……but if I criticise it, it will be a personal attack on him. Essentially, if he gets angry its his chimp, and therefore not his fault, if I get upset its my chimp and therefore he doesn’t need to concern himself. I really want it to help but I fear it will be whats brought up everytime as an excuse now…..

[oaktree]

Thank you – I do indeed live with a grumpy troll at times. Sometimes it would be possible for me to share my thoughts, but not right now. I tried last night but he didn’t take it well. it just makes me so sad, I cried myself to sleep but he says thats manipulative…is he right?

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