ocean20

[ocean20]

I have been listening to podcasts lately on these topics and CPTSD came up. Apparently a lot of us DA survivors have it. It’s more to do with long sustained trauma (rather than one event).
It mentioned that talking therapy is great but it only accesses the conscious part of our brain. But memories (including traumatic ones) are stored in the subconscious and this is where we can get stuck. She touched on that some DA survivors have talking therapy for decades and still feel stuck in their past feelings.
She mentions a few therapies which can really help our body recover from the trauma (her name is Caroline Strawson).
I’ve deviated a little but I don’t think your friend is being mean or that you’re over sharing x I think they mean well in that keep talking about it keeps you stuck there x
Xxx sending love & support

[ocean20]

I am late replying to this one but I literally had the same thoughts / emotions as you.
My OH is alcohol dependent. He will drink when he’s struggling with something (which is most of the time) and then I just wait with bated breath for the abuse. I convinced myself that it was the alcohol and not him (because he was the most violent and vile when drunk).
I went on to have the worst night of my life. Physical violence, threats to my life, police called. Still I was making excuses for him with the alcohol. He said he was going ti stop drinking spirits as that was the cause. He did, for five days.
I am paraphrasing but Lisa said that abuse is abuse no excuses and it’s him committing those things, not the alcohol.
Lo and behold that weekend when he had only had a few beers, again the most violent aggressive outburst ever.
There is no excuse for the abuse. The only person / thing to blame is the abuser.
Take care xxx

[ocean20]

Thank you so much for your reply.
You are so so right in what you say.
We will appease them for a while, but in the end you can’t when they move the goal posts all the time and really when it’s all about power and control. They’ll always find a way.
I have been listening to podcasts all day about different kind of abuse and why it happens to us.
And yes although it is so so wrong, I do have some work to do within myself to, I need to be nice to myself and have confidence and self worth.
It’s hard when you’re stuck in that abuse cycle but I believe I can do it. I think we all can together xx

[ocean20]

We’re all at different stages here but it really is such a lovely community x all the lovely people on here help my sanity and restore my faith in humanity! Xxx

[ocean20]

That sounds like absolute bliss x well done you it’s only up from here x I love to read posts like this it gives me hope x

[ocean20]

I’m so sorry to read this. I can resonate with you entirely.
I have been with my OH for not even a year and I definitely have a trauma bond. It’s toxic and draining.
I feel like I’m at a fork in the road. I can see what’s happening and what I’m not happy with but I feel helpless and annoyed that I’ve let it go on for this short space of time.
I can’t imagine how decades feels. Like you’re losing yourself.
He is a smart man but the level of manipulation to condition you to just accept that level of abuse, I just can’t comprehend it. I then hate myself for being so easily manipulated and tricked. I think maybe these people are just bad to the core. Do they even know what they’re doing so well?
I think us abuse victims are always looking for the best in people, willing it to work and will often give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s our own undoing.
I was on the live chat here the other week, after my partner got physically violent and threatened my life and his kids, I was so so petrified I called the police on the quiet. I explained it’s when he drinks spirits he’s vile. The lady on here explained although alcohol lowers inhibitions it’s still the same person committing those things. It’s not the drink.
Lo and behold we went on this camping trip the very next weekend (after he’d said sorry). I still went so as not to raise suspicion whilst I’m making a plan to escape him.
He hadn’t had any drink.
Low and behold he decided he wasn’t happy with how quiet I’d been that day (I had explained I was feeling a bit low still about the violence from him before and the whole night) – he was then screaming at me to make me answer yes or no to everything he was saying and he was speeding at 90mph down country roads I thought we were going to roll the car and I said please slow down and stop shouting you’re scaring me – “OH YOU CAN F***ING SPEAK THEN”. So I’m still upset about threatening my life, he apologises and stops drinking spirits, then that same week scaring me again. Theyre just bad people. I’m convinced they don’t see us as human beings, just things.
But yes there is always an argument if I ever go out for the day or even to work and 21 questions about who I’ve seen or spoken to. It makes me not go out or not go to work because I just don’t want the headache. I suppose that’s what they want.
Sorry I have gone off on a tangent here.
But I feel your pain xxxx

[ocean20]

Hiya,
It might seem trivial but it’s these little interactions that build or diminish our self worth.
I can relate to you on it. I put up with a lot of mood swings / pointless little comments from my partner but if I did the same back I wouldn’t hear the end of it and I would be accused of being a horrible c***.
In my mind it’s just another way to control and make you feel stupid / small.
X

[ocean20]

Hi happybelle x
I totally get where you are coming from.
I had to call 999 after an argument got very scary with my OH and I’ve been feeling anxious about it ever since.
They wanted to arrest him and only didn’t because it seemed to cause me a lot of distress.
There’s been radio silence since so I am trying not to worry. But I do believe it’s a nice feeling to just know they’re on your side and as soon as you’re happy to progress they are ready and waiting. It’s your secret weapon.
X

[ocean20]

Thank you so much that’s such useful information x the police gave me some but it was all a bit of a blur.
I will save it thank you and use it when I need xxx

[ocean20]

I would take this as a little sign from the universe and a nudge in the direction that would be better for you x

[ocean20]

Currently reading this with a tightness in my chest so thank you so much for posting it x

[ocean20]

This is so brave of you and what a testament to how strong you are x you can do anything now! well done x

[ocean20]

Having such a bad night and this made me smile x thank you so much lol

[ocean20]

Thank you so much x definitely baby steps but steps nonetheless. I read your post earlier today but didn’t reply just yet. And I had it in my head just keep talking just keep talking like that sweet little fish from nemo. I myst sound crazy!
I had a facial with a friend who’s training in psychology and who suffered (detail removed by Moderator) abuse herself. She’s was asking me some prying questions and I just broke down and she was like I knew it! I’ve known it for months. And we cried together and she’s given me so much good advice too. I don’t intend to tell anyone else until I’ve broken free (excluding services that will help me) but it feels like I’ve got a little group of cheerleaders looking out for me now.
The light at the end of the tunnel feels closer.
I appreciate you and this community so much xxx you all gave me the courage to speak up and confirmed none of it was okay x

[ocean20]

Thank you so much it feels like a huge step in the right direction xxx

[ocean20]

Your reply has actually made me burst into tears because it’s so so true. No one is protecting me. I am worrying about everyone else (even HIM!) and he’s threatened to kill me and got physical now. He scares the life out of me. I am so tired.
I started packing an emergency bag but I got too scared about him breaking in the house and not being near a door to get away. Or not being close to the dog to protect him. I planned to do it when he left for the day but he hasn’t as yet. I will get essentials and my work / all my paperwork and go.
I worry about the house (it’s mine not his) and him trashing it. But it’s just things isn’t it. He’s already ruined every room in the house.
Honestly thank you so much x
I will tell my family when I have some breathing space from him and when I know I can get away.
The police wasn’t ideal it’s heightened everything now. X

[ocean20]

I’m so sorry you’re still stuck. I do really want to tell my mum but I know that’s the point of no return for us. And that breaks me because I love him so so much. But I can’t fix him.
I don’t think he will ever get better.
My family are limited on resources / money. I don’t know how they would help from so far away. It always seems so complicated doesn’t it.
I’ll have to completely uproot my life all over again. If money was no option I would sort it in a heartbeat.

[ocean20]

It was keeping me going I know what you mean. Like a little secret weapon. Then things got really out of hand and I had to call the police. Now it’s all happening too fast and I’m alone and scared. X

[ocean20]

Thank you for replying and your support x I have never tried going to the doctors for help. The last time I went for an injury I was asked prying questions about my situation at home and I just lied. When I broke down I just said it was because I was stressed at work. They probably knew.
I always worry if you tell the doctor they will go to the police or you could be penalised for it in other ways I don’t know. It’s a scary thought. I’m just scared of everything.
I do need to get away and I want to. I just need to plan it and do it all safely so I can disappear. He terrifies me.

[ocean20]

I just don’t want to worry her or cause her unnecessary stress when she’s too far away to help. I think being in a relationship like that just makes you feel a burden to everyone. You’re conditioned that way. Always in sorry mode x

[ocean20]

Thank you for replying it makes me feel less alone x I am so alone where I am makes it feels so much more scary. I know if I was near my family it wouldn’t have escalated this way. I could move my mum in and she wouldn’t leave until I was safe. I think he knows that.
This morning he’s not said a word, he’s been moody, and I’ve been quiet and he’s gone (detail removed by Moderator). Always wants a fight.

[ocean20]

Both him and his kids don’t act like it’s my home, they act like it’s theirs. I’m never asked how I feel about anything or how I am coping.
I don’t really have any friends. The only friends I do have have known him longer and I can’t tell my family. They live so far away they would just worry but wouldn’t be able to help x

[ocean20]

Thank you Happybelle x that is definitely the worst part knowing their mood has changed and I try to ask has something happened are you okay, you seem a bit off. But I’m met with a brick wall and just have to wait for the storm to roll in. It makes me feel physically sick waiting for it. Whatever I do or say is wrong. Feel for you x

[ocean20]

Thank you Tired of it all x thats exactly how I feel like I’m in a constant state of anxiety in what’s meant to be my safe place. I have never felt so unwell in my body and so out of control in my whole life.
This site and comments like yours do make me feel less alone, so thank you x

[Author]

Posts