Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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18th September 2019 at 10:45 am #88181
Popilol
ParticipantHi sunshine,
Thank you for that, I will read up on it now. I can really relate to what you have written. I’m always attracted to the same type of guys too. Nice guys make great friends, but there’s no spark or excitement. 3 times in an abusive relationship. Iv never really had a normal one to be fair -
6th September 2019 at 10:55 am #87406
Popilol
ParticipantMy ex ruined his own birthday. We were supposed to be going out to dinner. He was running so late and complaining that he wasn’t feeling well but still saying ‘yeah we’ll go’. I ended up cancelling as it got so late I felt bad on the restaurant as they were waiting for us. It was then all my fault as I had cancelled the reservation.
Yes they are very sneaky and twist and manipulate everything to being our fault. That way not only do they get to feel high and mighty… but we also stupidly apologise to them. -
6th September 2019 at 8:00 am #87389
Popilol
ParticipantHi, sorry to hear about your experiences. I was in a very strange controlling relationship with a narcissist. I managed to get myself back from the depths of his control and I started seeing a new guy. This guy is controlling in a different way. More like this ‘sulky’ way. He doesn’t say I can’t do anything or that he doesn’t want to do something, he just says ‘you can do what you want’. Then when I do it he sulks, as in blocks me on his phone and ghosts me for a few days to a week. If he said he doesn’t want me doing something it’s much easier to handle and manage, but the fact he just says I can if I want makes me think ok I will hen. So Confusing.
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4th September 2019 at 2:15 pm #87204
Popilol
ParticipantI’m in a similar situation. Split with an abusive ex in (detail removed by moderator). He has a non mol on him now.
Couple months ago I met a guy, we really hit it off. Problem is that I keep seeing red flags and I too wonder if it’s me being hyper vigilant/paranoid or if there is actually abuse going on. To me it’s all the classic symptoms. When he’s with me he’s amazing, attentive, gentle. But then there’s this jealous side of him. If I do something to upset him, for example mess around with a male friend, he goes off for 3/4 days n blocks me. He knows he’s creating anxiety. There’s so much more to it. I requested a Claire’s law on him today. Had a call from the police within an hour. Says it all really -
2nd February 2019 at 11:08 am #71756
Popilol
ParticipantThat is exactly what I am doing. He has messed with the wrong woman as I am finding myself again and I am one strong cookie. I will put him for the narcissist that he is. Furthermore… I am doing this for any woman that he manipulates into being with him in the future. He cannot and will not get away with his behaviour. I have reported the officer. To be fair the women officers have been very supportive. I have so much evidence against him and his evidence is just slander and not backed up with any evidence at all.
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2nd February 2019 at 8:24 am #71748
Popilol
ParticipantI have emailed a female police officer (detail removed by Moderator). What makes me so angry is that she has spoken to him, but not me. She interviewed him at the start, but I have only spoken to Male officers and not one of them was trained in domestic abuse so explaining gas lighting etc was a waste of time. I just sit here and wait for the next thing to happen… the next allegation he makes, the next abuse to happen! He tried to discredit me and make me look like the guilty party. HE is the victim in his eyes and he wants everyone to see it.
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1st February 2019 at 9:05 pm #71736
Popilol
ParticipantI have pretty much asked the same question. Why does it take forever for the police to decide if they are going to do something?
Please don’t let him back in the property. Get a third party to collect them. I had months of games from him pretending to try to get his stuff back. Every time i offered he had a reason why he couldn’t and then would ‘tell’ me when he would be coming. Keep the control and stay strong.
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9th January 2019 at 7:38 pm #70415
Popilol
ParticipantIt’s so hard and I can empathise with you completely. I had to cancel my wedding too. It was so hard and so final. Had all these big plans and I actually felt so happy about starting a new life as a Mrs. I still havent cancelled the honeymoon. I feel so empty and I’m sure he doesn’t care one bit.
It does get easier. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself when you have blips along the way, it’s normal and we all have them. I put on a brave face and say that I’m ok and I’m over it… the truth is, I don’t think I will ever be over it. I still love the nice him, just hate the drunk abusive him -
7th January 2019 at 6:18 pm #70247
Popilol
ParticipantMaddog I could have written that about my ex. Always the victim. Makes me so angry as people believe the lies he tells. (detail removed by Moderator) I have lots of eveidence from text messages he sent a long time ago. I have photos of holes in my walls. I have witnesses. The thing is, he will have nothing to back himself up. (detail removed by Moderator) wants hard evidence, not just a story. They really do think they are so clever and good at lying. (detail removed by Moderator) will see through it. I too am going to explain gaslighting (detail removed by Moderator)as that is exactly what he does constantly. Always the victim and looking for ways to get me in trouble.
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7th January 2019 at 12:57 am #70192
Popilol
ParticipantI’m not trying to get anyone’s backs up. My ex is an abuser. My previous ex was an abuser. I just know how social services work, and I find it all so wrong yet I can see why they do what they do.
I agree 100% that abusive men should loose rights to their kids. How can a man have a non mol order against him for abuse, be charged with violence and still be allowed to see the children so he can continue the abuse on the mother via the child??? It’s just so damn wrong on every level!!
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7th January 2019 at 12:55 am #70191
Popilol
ParticipantOne social worker has to work with both parent, how would they get the full
Picture if they don’t? Kids quite often say what they are told to say, so a social worker is constantly battling to find the truth. Many women cover for the men, yes I understand why they do this, but a social worker has a duty to protect the child. If the parents are not protecting the child and the child is at risk of being harmed the law is in place to remove children.The mother can put a child at risk by not protecting the child from abuse from the father (or visa versa of course). Mamy women choose the man over the child and they have the child removed. There’s clearly not enough help there for women from social services. But they are there to protect the children.
Honestly, this is where children’s services and adult services are so screwed up. They should be united to help the family. Unfortunately we end up with children’s services on our backs whose only agenda is to make sure the child is ok. Adult services would ensure that the mother is also
Ok. -
6th January 2019 at 11:13 pm #70181
Popilol
ParticipantI will look into this. I think there is a gap for women in care and support. You are right, there is a role that needs to be made here. Mmmm… new job for me perhaps?
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6th January 2019 at 11:10 pm #70180
Popilol
ParticipantThank you flowerchild. I have changed my passwords and we don’t have an mutual friends, in fact he doesn’t have any friends, not even 1. His main group of friends dropped him when we got together. He told me it was because he didn’t like them and one of the girls pushed him down the stairs. I have now been told that he pushed her down the stairs and that is why none of them spoke to him. So many lies, so many twists to his tales.
I worry that he won’t let things go, that he will stalk me, on social media or physically. He told me he would bring me down and he didn’t care if he came with me. I am waiting for the eruption as I can feel it bubbling away in him. I have a non mol on him which I know he is going to contest as he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. My closure will be once (detail removed by Moderator) he’s ordered once and for all to leave me the hell alone. He’s left me with scars, not physical ones… psychological ones. Ones that will take years to heal, the worst kind of scars. -
6th January 2019 at 10:09 pm #70176
Popilol
ParticipantIt’s not that the social worker goes against the mother, the social worker will give their honest opinion based on their training and professional judgment. They may well support the father returning as long as steps are in place to protect the child and the mother is acting protectively.
I think a lot more work needs to be done helping women understand the damage the men do and helping women see that hey are being abused. Social workers need to look beyond the child and work with the mothers more, guide them and take them to appointments to ensure they go. How many times have women said they can’t go to freedom programme meetings as they can’t get out the house to go? What if a social worker took the women? Said to the women to tell their partners they were at a social services meeting instead? What if social workers took women to solicitors to discuss mortgages and orders, so that the women would have an excuse them to give their husbands? There’s so much more they could do if budgets and funding werent restraining them. -
6th January 2019 at 7:58 pm #70166
Popilol
ParticipantI would have been the same IWMB. I know he would have treated his baby very differently to my children. We had such different ideas of parenting. His is military style and mine is open and loving. My children hated him. My eldest moved out and he done his absolute best to push my middle child away from me. My youngest hasn’t uttered his name once since he’s been gone, after years of him playing the father role. It so much clearer now he’s gone. I’m sure I wouldn’t have seen what he was doing if I were still with him.
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6th January 2019 at 7:45 pm #70164
Popilol
ParticipantThank you for your replies. I have non mol in place and I have reported the hacking to the police. He can spy on me and hack me all he wants, he has zero chance of me taking him back. To be honest he wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of saying no. He is a complete control freak. He’s so good at playing the victim too. Threats of suicide, depression… you name it, he’s had it or done it. His father was abusive and so was his paternal grandfather. I can see where he gets it from completely. It’s completely learned behaviour with him (check out social learning theory by bandura). Funny thing is that when he’s angry he always spouts out that he’s not a liar and he never lies, even when I haven’t ever accused him of it to his face. He is an compulsive liar!!!
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6th January 2019 at 7:37 pm #70163
Popilol
ParticipantEvery scenario is different but there are obvious patterns. When you are out of the situation and the fog begins to lift, things are seen differently. I think it’s still very new and there is a lot more training needed for social services and general police. With a deep understanding of how women feel and why they stay, how can social workers make informed decisions? Saying that, children’s services are all about the children and what an adult wants really doesn’t really come in to consideration if it’s going to damage the child.
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6th January 2019 at 7:12 pm #70159
Popilol
ParticipantSocial workers are trained in domestic abuse, some are better than others though. They understand abusing behaviour and gaslighting, coercive behaviour, control etc. Use them for advice and listen to what they say. Hopefully it won’t have been referred to mash but most cases are.
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6th January 2019 at 7:09 pm #70158
Popilol
ParticipantMash will ask lots of questions and contact schools etc. Be open with them and tell them what has been going on. They will only send it to be assessed if they believe children are in danger. They only remove children if the parent/parents are not acting protectively. This may mean pressing charges and having no contact, but it is for the child’s welfare. It’s a shame that men are not forcibly removed like children are. You have to do what is right by the children at the end of the day.
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6th January 2019 at 10:43 am #70099
Popilol
ParticipantMy ex was also passive aggressive. I googled passive aggressive alcoholic and was so shocked, it was him! He would goad me into arguments and then tell me to calm down. He wanted me to hit him or push him, which I didn’t, so that he could play defense and the victim. He’d then use it against me saying that I shouted at him and that’s why he grabbed me by the throat… it was my fault! Always MY fault, never his. He attacked my daughter and twisted it all around to it being her fault and saying she attacked him. Everything was so twisted. He was a compulsive liar but in his head he was telling the truth, there was no way he would change his version of the truth. What a total mind f&@£!
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6th January 2019 at 10:23 am #70097
Popilol
ParticipantIt’s that whole saying one thing and actions saying another. I misscarried, he was so happy I was pregnant apparently, but then came to 1 scan and missed the next 5. Didn’t come to any of the appointments but kept telling me how concerned he was and how much he cared. The worst time ever and i was on my own. Luckily I had friends to go with me by they couldn’t understand why he didn’t go. Then he just kept telling I was pushing him away and I didn’t want him to go. I had been pushing for him to come but he always had an excuse, work wouldn’t let him, although he never told them and didn’t ask. It’s so confusing, you want to believe what they are saying but they are so cold and uncaring, so inconsiderate. I am so thankful that I lost his baby now, harsh as that sounds. I was devistated at the time. Everything happens for a reason and I can’t imagine having a young baby and that tie to him now.
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5th January 2019 at 5:55 pm #70060
Popilol
ParticipantI have thought about the sex/love issue a lot since the split. I honestly don’t think my ex knows how to love, or what love is. He would say he loved his parents, but he never saw them and never had anything nice to say about them. At the start of the relationship he constantly told me he loved me. Before the end he never said it. I meant nothing to him other than sex, someone to abuse and put a roof over his head.he is so wrapped up in himself and what he wants that he can’t for one minute think about someone else.
This was so apparent in sex. He never thought about me being satisfied or whether I enjoyed what he done. He wanted bj’s but wouldn’t let me enjoy giving them as my head was pushed and hair was pulled, so even something that should be gentle and sensual was turned into some sort of dirty sex game. -
4th January 2019 at 11:43 pm #69978
Popilol
ParticipantYou know that actually feels so good to write down! I am going to make post it notes! Positive things about my new life! And post them around my house! He’d hate that, it would be untidy. When I have a blip I can read them and remind myself of me!!
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4th January 2019 at 11:18 pm #69975
Popilol
ParticipantOh yes! Can never do anything right! Can’t say anything right. If I was quiet, I had something to hide, was moody… if I spoke, he’d get angry cos whatever I said was wrong.
He’d have no money and moan for hours about how skint I had made him (even though I earn more than him and paid all the bills) the next minute it was ‘let’s buy a new tv, redecorate, but a new gadget’. He’d spend hundreds on himself every month, yet it was my fault when he had no money.List of things I love about my new life…. being right! Being able to speak! Being able to not speak! Being able to buy what I want and not have to give a reason! Not being made feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong!
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4th January 2019 at 7:45 pm #69952
Popilol
ParticipantJust can’t understand their logic. Why is it ok to shower once a day before going to work, and get in a clean bed all stinking… yet it’s not ok to have a bath and climb into clean sheets? He used to say that we get dirty in our sleep. Seriously?? What dirtier than doing a manual job for 8 hours in the heat??
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4th January 2019 at 5:43 pm #69935
Popilol
ParticipantI just wanted to add… he used to constantly tell me I was dirty having a bath every evening. He had a shower in the morning and that apparently made him cleaner. He has a physical job and it was always ok for him to come home, not shower and get into my crisp clean white sheets Stinking like a sewer rat! Make me laugh now honestly.
One rule for me… and a totally different set of rules for him -
4th January 2019 at 5:40 pm #69934
Popilol
ParticipantI haven’t written a list down, but I do keep reminding myself of things that I enjoy now. We sit at the table again as a family for meals is one of the best things. My ex pushed my kids so far away that they wouldn’t eat with him, or he would cause such a drama at the table for my youngest that he would cry so my ex would go and eat upstairs. He would complain about everything, like my child wasn’t eating correctly with his knife and fork, or he hadn’t eaten his food (even though he had a full meal at school). Always such a drama over nothing.
I’m truly enjoying the company of my kids again. Watching tv with them rather than sitting in the kitchen or bedroom with him. Having a bath and not being told I’m dirty when I get out because iv been sitting in my own dirt in the bath??
Being able to have a glass of wine without being worried if I open a bottle it’s giving him a free ticket to binge drink.
It’s the small things. List are uplifting! Great post x -
31st December 2018 at 9:54 am #69621
Popilol
ParticipantI would let him do it all on his own. Always remember that you are not his reward for going. Many men believe that if they get help it’s their right for you to stay. It isn’t. There’s lots of information from women’s past experiences with partners seeking help. To me it seems that they are not very successful. My ex said he would get help but I think he’s getting help
With the alcohol, but that isn’t the root of the problem. I’m sure he would spend the entire sessions blaming me and using more and more excuses. There is no reason for abuse, no excuse for abuse! They are abusive because they are nasty violent men! -
31st December 2018 at 9:32 am #69618
Popilol
ParticipantThey don’t change. The abuse just gets worse. We kid ourselves that they can change. Even when they say they are sorry, there’s always underlying tones of ‘but you made me do it’.
It’s so hard to leave, but in a few weeks you will understand and see it for what it was.
If you truly want him to get help, get out and tell him you will review the situation in a month, 2 months, whatever you want. On your terms.
Stay strong, and mostly, stay safe. Keep writing in here because it’s hard to leave and you will need all the support you can get. Call woman’s aid and ask for practical advice if you need it. Sending hugs and love x -
29th December 2018 at 4:13 pm #69548
Popilol
ParticipantSince we split up I have reread text messages that he sent me. Wow what an eye opener! All
Of them I was being nice, telling him I loved him etc. His were all horrid, demanding, twisted versions of his own truths. Unbelievable how I can read the texts now and see them for what they were now my blinkers have come off. At the time I must have been reading the texts and thinking he needs reassurance, support, help from me.
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