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Hi sunshine,
Thank you for that, I will read up on it now. I can really relate to what you have written. I’m always attracted to the same type of guys too. Nice guys make great friends, but there’s no spark or excitement. 3 times in an abusive relationship. Iv never really had a normal one to be fair

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My ex ruined his own birthday. We were supposed to be going out to dinner. He was running so late and complaining that he wasn’t feeling well but still saying ‘yeah we’ll go’. I ended up cancelling as it got so late I felt bad on the restaurant as they were waiting for us. It was then all my fault as I had cancelled the reservation.
Yes they are very sneaky and twist and manipulate everything to being our fault. That way not only do they get to feel high and mighty… but we also stupidly apologise to them.

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Hi, sorry to hear about your experiences. I was in a very strange controlling relationship with a narcissist. I managed to get myself back from the depths of his control and I started seeing a new guy. This guy is controlling in a different way. More like this ‘sulky’ way. He doesn’t say I can’t do anything or that he doesn’t want to do something, he just says ‘you can do what you want’. Then when I do it he sulks, as in blocks me on his phone and ghosts me for a few days to a week. If he said he doesn’t want me doing something it’s much easier to handle and manage, but the fact he just says I can if I want makes me think ok I will hen. So Confusing.

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I’m in a similar situation. Split with an abusive ex in (detail removed by moderator). He has a non mol on him now.
Couple months ago I met a guy, we really hit it off. Problem is that I keep seeing red flags and I too wonder if it’s me being hyper vigilant/paranoid or if there is actually abuse going on. To me it’s all the classic symptoms. When he’s with me he’s amazing, attentive, gentle. But then there’s this jealous side of him. If I do something to upset him, for example mess around with a male friend, he goes off for 3/4 days n blocks me. He knows he’s creating anxiety. There’s so much more to it. I requested a Claire’s law on him today. Had a call from the police within an hour. Says it all really

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That is exactly what I am doing. He has messed with the wrong woman as I am finding myself again and I am one strong cookie. I will put him for the narcissist that he is. Furthermore… I am doing this for any woman that he manipulates into being with him in the future. He cannot and will not get away with his behaviour. I have reported the officer. To be fair the women officers have been very supportive. I have so much evidence against him and his evidence is just slander and not backed up with any evidence at all.

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I have emailed a female police officer (detail removed by Moderator). What makes me so angry is that she has spoken to him, but not me. She interviewed him at the start, but I have only spoken to Male officers and not one of them was trained in domestic abuse so explaining gas lighting etc was a waste of time. I just sit here and wait for the next thing to happen… the next allegation he makes, the next abuse to happen! He tried to discredit me and make me look like the guilty party. HE is the victim in his eyes and he wants everyone to see it.

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I have pretty much asked the same question. Why does it take forever for the police to decide if they are going to do something?

Please don’t let him back in the property. Get a third party to collect them. I had months of games from him pretending to try to get his stuff back. Every time i offered he had a reason why he couldn’t and then would ‘tell’ me when he would be coming. Keep the control and stay strong.

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It’s so hard and I can empathise with you completely. I had to cancel my wedding too. It was so hard and so final. Had all these big plans and I actually felt so happy about starting a new life as a Mrs. I still havent cancelled the honeymoon. I feel so empty and I’m sure he doesn’t care one bit.
It does get easier. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself when you have blips along the way, it’s normal and we all have them. I put on a brave face and say that I’m ok and I’m over it… the truth is, I don’t think I will ever be over it. I still love the nice him, just hate the drunk abusive him

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Maddog I could have written that about my ex. Always the victim. Makes me so angry as people believe the lies he tells. (detail removed by Moderator) I have lots of eveidence from text messages he sent a long time ago. I have photos of holes in my walls. I have witnesses. The thing is, he will have nothing to back himself up. (detail removed by Moderator) wants hard evidence, not just a story. They really do think they are so clever and good at lying. (detail removed by Moderator) will see through it. I too am going to explain gaslighting (detail removed by Moderator)as that is exactly what he does constantly. Always the victim and looking for ways to get me in trouble.

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I’m not trying to get anyone’s backs up. My ex is an abuser. My previous ex was an abuser. I just know how social services work, and I find it all so wrong yet I can see why they do what they do.

I agree 100% that abusive men should loose rights to their kids. How can a man have a non mol order against him for abuse, be charged with violence and still be allowed to see the children so he can continue the abuse on the mother via the child??? It’s just so damn wrong on every level!!

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One social worker has to work with both parent, how would they get the full
Picture if they don’t? Kids quite often say what they are told to say, so a social worker is constantly battling to find the truth. Many women cover for the men, yes I understand why they do this, but a social worker has a duty to protect the child. If the parents are not protecting the child and the child is at risk of being harmed the law is in place to remove children.

The mother can put a child at risk by not protecting the child from abuse from the father (or visa versa of course). Mamy women choose the man over the child and they have the child removed. There’s clearly not enough help there for women from social services. But they are there to protect the children.
Honestly, this is where children’s services and adult services are so screwed up. They should be united to help the family. Unfortunately we end up with children’s services on our backs whose only agenda is to make sure the child is ok. Adult services would ensure that the mother is also
Ok.

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I will look into this. I think there is a gap for women in care and support. You are right, there is a role that needs to be made here. Mmmm… new job for me perhaps?

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Thank you flowerchild. I have changed my passwords and we don’t have an mutual friends, in fact he doesn’t have any friends, not even 1. His main group of friends dropped him when we got together. He told me it was because he didn’t like them and one of the girls pushed him down the stairs. I have now been told that he pushed her down the stairs and that is why none of them spoke to him. So many lies, so many twists to his tales.
I worry that he won’t let things go, that he will stalk me, on social media or physically. He told me he would bring me down and he didn’t care if he came with me. I am waiting for the eruption as I can feel it bubbling away in him. I have a non mol on him which I know he is going to contest as he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. My closure will be once (detail removed by Moderator) he’s ordered once and for all to leave me the hell alone. He’s left me with scars, not physical ones… psychological ones. Ones that will take years to heal, the worst kind of scars.

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It’s not that the social worker goes against the mother, the social worker will give their honest opinion based on their training and professional judgment. They may well support the father returning as long as steps are in place to protect the child and the mother is acting protectively.
I think a lot more work needs to be done helping women understand the damage the men do and helping women see that hey are being abused. Social workers need to look beyond the child and work with the mothers more, guide them and take them to appointments to ensure they go. How many times have women said they can’t go to freedom programme meetings as they can’t get out the house to go? What if a social worker took the women? Said to the women to tell their partners they were at a social services meeting instead? What if social workers took women to solicitors to discuss mortgages and orders, so that the women would have an excuse them to give their husbands? There’s so much more they could do if budgets and funding werent restraining them.

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I would have been the same IWMB. I know he would have treated his baby very differently to my children. We had such different ideas of parenting. His is military style and mine is open and loving. My children hated him. My eldest moved out and he done his absolute best to push my middle child away from me. My youngest hasn’t uttered his name once since he’s been gone, after years of him playing the father role. It so much clearer now he’s gone. I’m sure I wouldn’t have seen what he was doing if I were still with him.

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