Robin

[Robin]

Thank you so much for this post. At times I think the behaviour is normal but seeing your lists shows me that’s not the case.

I’m still there, so my list is about what I want
1. No taunting, name calling, or shouting about the things I haven’t done or have done but not ‘right’
2. Doing what I want to do at the weekend without feeling that I’m on a clock to get home
3. Taking the kids to birthday parties / events without being told ‘it’s all about them’ and not feeling that I have to buy him a ticket, knowing that he won’t go
4. Not being made to feel guilty for visiting my family
5. Not being told that I only buy what I like when I spend a small fortune on non-dairy milk for him – because he likes it better!
6. Not treading on egg-shells when I want to arrange a night out and not be told ‘NO! You’re not going.’
7. Not feeling physically intimidated when I try to stand up to him
8. No more sexist, racist comments
9. Not being told I’m fat, stupid, an idiot, cant’ be trusted or having affairs (simply because I’ve been out once in a blue moon)
10.Most importantly, the children not having to listen to the shouting, put-downs or nasty comments

[Robin]

You’re not alone – I think from all the responses you can see that it’s part of the course. I too try to use ‘I feel’ and get told I’m nagging and politically correct. He says I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from nagging him and he went mad when I told him it wasn’t appropriate to refer to our toddler son as a ‘silly twat’ and so to prove that he genuinely doesn’t care about what I say he called it him again the next morning, in front of his big brother.

It’s hurts. It makes me feel like I don’t count but I do. And so do you.

[Robin]

Thank you for your words of support I do need to pick up the courage to speak to my local WA. Its just that sometimes it doesn’t feel like his behaviour is bad enough but I know that as it is affecting me and impacting my work so I do need to get help.

I told him a few days ago how he was making me feel again and he said he didn’t give a ‘f***ing s**t’. He went off again saying I was being selfish not taking his drink to him and he chastised me for leaving the house for work whent he baby had a full nappy – I didn’t know this because he was caring for him while I was getting ready for work. He snaps all the time and although it’s not as bad as it has been I feel myself being dragged under again. My son wanted to hide a party invitation so that his dad didn’t call to cancel it! I’m so tired.

He keeps telling me I do too much with our son, he didn’t want me to start a second after school activity because he said it was making me tired and would affect my work, I had to tell him that it was the way he spoke to me that affected me. I hope he listens. I feel like everything I say is wrong. Apparently I even use the wrong simple words to speak to our baby.

[Robin]

I haven’t been on for a while as he found out about the sites I’d been too and that I’d made a log of his behaviour and insisted I share it with him, so he knows what he’s said and how it’s made me feel. He hasn’t been at all happy about it but our relationship had started to get more normal with only a couple of angry outbursts in the last couple of months.

But it’s getting bad again, I feel the weight of it on me. I said I wanted to go to a class, in the evening, when the kids are in bed and only for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. he told me no, I wasn’t. That he doesn’t want the kids in the evening after dealing with them in the day. When I suggested I work from home he left the room. I feel so sad that he won’t listen to me. (detail removed by Moderator) he was working outside and I’d made him a drink, I went to take it out but as he was on the front I was in my pjs I didn’t want to take out so I left it by the back door. A few minutes later he came by to ask for it and bashed on the window where I was sitting and called me (detail removed by Moderator) and threw it up the window. I went to bed to avoid him and this morning he wouldn’t speak to me, didn’t respond to my questions, nothing.

I’m feeling so sad. I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Robin]

I’m in full agreement with you ladies. I do sometimes find myself envying other ladies who have men who obviously dote on them and their children – when I see these couples it highlights just how different my relationship is and serves as a reminder that there are decent men out there.

If we’re unhappy we shouldn’t just except it. Life is too short.

[Robin]

I know you’re saying its not physcial but the mental anguish caused is much worse so please don’t discount it.

Another thing you could do is to download a voice recorder app onto your phone so that when you know he’s likely to go off at you record him secretly. I have a view recordings of being called the C word and b***H etc. Even if you don’t use these recordings for anything formal they will at least tell you the truth when you’re doubting yourself.

[Robin]

I’m so sorry to ready about what you’re going through and just really wanted to give you some support. As Serenity has said, you may be able to get an occupation order which will get him out of the property. Is his name on the tnenancy agreement? If it’s not you could change the locks whilst he’s at work.

There may also be local women’s aid centres near you that could give you support, some offer an outreach service where you coudld go and speak to smoeone.

Also, if you haven’t already it would be worth keeping a record of his behaviour. Just write down everyting you remember so far and how it made you feel – you could then use this to help get him out of the property or for divorce.

Please know that you’re not alone xx

[Robin]

Grateful, if he’s being nice and decent now what was stopping him from being that way before?

He’s placing a condition upon him getting counselling and I think you’re right to expect him to go through with this for himself as it sounds like a ploy to stop you divorcing him.

If you search online ‘domestic abuse can he change?’there are some useful sites to give you guidance.

I think it helps to remember how and why you got to this point. Good luck x

[Robin]

Itmustbemeasurely, it must feel so good to feel empowered and to take control back. I have had similar and had determined to go but these last few weeks he’s been calm, even over situations he wouldn’t normally be. I know it’s the cycle and at times I find myself wanting him to erupt so that I have a reason to go. It’s so hard breaking out of this circle that binds us.

Good luck to you x

[Robin]

Memand & Anabela, I know where you’re comning from…I forget the nasty names he’s called me in the past until I write a note in my journal (where I log what he’s said to me, any physical threats and how he makes me feel) i can’t believe I forget this!! It makes me question why I’ve put up with it but now I’ve realised its the trauma bonding (thanks Westerncloud for the tip). I realise that everytime he says something that I think is ‘worthy’ of a reason to leave I don’t actually act on it.

He’s recently used our son to stop me going on a family holiday (we were all invited but he didn’t want to go and he didn’t want me to take the kids and so was surprised when I’d said I still wanted to go) he knew I hadn’t told our son yet but persisted asking me questions about it in front of him until our son made a connection – he became so upset that I had to say I wouldn’t go. My husband did not back me up once. Then last night our toddler wasn’t easy to feed so he refused to look after him and plonked him on the kitchen floor even though I was trying to cook – apparently the kitchen is my domain.

So now after a week of feeling good I’m feeling low againg and find myself looking at rentals. I feel like he’s cutting away at my soul and he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong.

[Robin]

Good luck with the move Liliaclady, you’re being so very brave!! Wish I was as decisive!

[Robin]

It’s great that you have options now. It must also be kinda a release about being honest about going – I want to do the same but having left before (he emailed me begging him to come back) I would really recommend ‘no contact’s. Arranging to meet with him so soon before I left was my downfall. Please make sure you have essentials in your car, just in caseTake care and be safe x

[Robin]

I totally understand where you’re coming from. Like you, I’ve had a terrible Christmas – shouted and called an idiot becuase i moved the (detail removed by Moderator) out of the lounge on Christmas Day. Shouted and sworn as (as was son) on Boxing day for putting togehter (detail removed by Moderator). And then on New Years day publicly shouted at (b***h, c**t, stupid) in a car park and in the car on the way home (he was also going too fast and wouldn’t slow down) becuase i left the car and left him holding (detail removed by Moderator) – apparently I made him look like an idiot.

Our son has said to me why don’t we go and live somewhere else and his dad has told him that he’s had enough of me and that he can’t cope with me! I wasn’t in the room at the time but my son told me that he’s said to his dad why don’t we get unmarried?’. Breaks my heart.

I’ve been minimising but having just pulled together all the horriblness over the holiday I find myself thinking why am I putting up with this?? Your post helps to show that this is not a normal, loving husbands behaviour. I may have to go into debt to do it but I know that I need to take action.

Good luck to you Liliclady – stay strong xx

[Robin]

You’re being so brave. If you have any doubts about moving out think back to how he’s made you and your children feel.

I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and lasted (detail removed by Moderator) days in a rental. I hadn’t confided in my family about the kickings I’d get for accidents in the house, the fact that I overheard him tell our toddler that mummy was a bitch or refer to our son as a little shit. I hadn’t told them and I went back because I met with him on day (detail removed by Moderator). I felt bad for not telling him and for getting a solicitors letter sent to inform him of our separation. Even after how he treated me I felt awful when the solicitor wrote in the draft letter I wanted a divorce – I asked for it to be changed, I wanted to work things out. Big mistake.

He never acknowledged his bad treatment of me. Ever. And if I ever mentioned his behaviour he would say that it couldn’t have been that bad – I never called the police – I went back after (detail removed by Moderator)days…Then he made me feel bad by randomly saying, when his behaviour was called out – you go back to your old house? You late because you met with your solicitor? And to our son, mummies going to get you a new Daddy – I have never cheated!!

What you’re doing is incredibly brave, please don’t loose sight of the fact you are doing this for a reason. If you could have a happy family life with your husband you’d be there enjoying it but you can’t because He won’t let you. Please don’t feel guilty and do try to go no contact – I wish I had and I might not now be going through it all again (I’m finding it much harder to get out this time round). Good luck and don’t loose faith in yourself x

[Robin]

Hi Sunshine, I hadn’t thought about him using the children to stop me going…the way he says it it’s because he’s worried about safety and terrorists (although when I checked on line the worse that could happen is sunburn). I have been in touch with the helpline in the past, I’ve looked at my old posts and they all seem so confident that ‘I’m leaving’ although I’m still there. There are so many times I don’t like him and others where he’s fun, but this isn’t often. I’ve noticed that my sons tone towards me can sometimes be rude and I think it’s his dad rubbing off on him. I worry that I’m making a fuss and that if we split I’ll be taking my son out of the school and away from the friends that the loves. When is ‘enough’ enough?

[Author]

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