Rockandrolldreamscomethrough

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi Hollyberry, reading your post made me smile ❤️ You sound like you are living a free and happy life now, as you should. Yes things will still be hard, especially with finances and things it sounds like but I hope they straighten out over time for you. You sound like you’re doing everything to make your life healthier and you should be proud, leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do (for me, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do) it’s completely overwhelming but slowly, slowly glimmers of light appear and you start to enjoy life again. Please don’t blame yourself about not being a family anymore for your children. The day your ex chose to abuse you was the day he split up the family. It’s a lot for kids to process but it is far better your children seeing you happy and healthy and a single parent than seeing you married to their father but being miserable and in an unhealthy relationship xx

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Hello Sparklygiraffe,

First of all well done for reaching out on here, it must of taken a lot of courage to admit what is happening.
Reading your post was like reading something I’d of written myself. Your partner sounds a lot like my ex.
What he’s doing is abuse and you or your children categorically do not deserve it. It does not matter if he hasn’t hit you, what he is doing is abuse and he sounds like he is bullying you into getting exactly what he wants out of you. My ex would give me a (detail removed by moderator) before he was about to flip, he basically meant do what he said or all hell would break lose.Could you keep a log of the things he is doing? Like a diary. That way if you do ever decide to report him then you have a list of the things he has been doing over time. All this will probably seem very scary but you our taking the right steps. Sending hugs❤️

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Hi there,

Just wanted to come on and show you some support.
None of what’s been happening is your fault. Abusers never ever take accountability for their own actions. This is why they say things like “look you’re winding me up” when my ex would punch stuff he’d say “look you’re making me flip” These are grown adults who simply want to go round doing and saying what they like and never ever have any repercussions. My ex always said he had an anger problem. I believed him and made allowances for his behaviour but he would be shouting swearing at me then open the front door and see our neighbour and be charming happy and polite. These people CAN control their tempers otherwise they’d be horrible to everyone. There’s a reason your husband is seen to be this great guy by everyone, because he can control himself around them. He just chooses not to around you and your children. You do not need to stay in a home that is unhappy, not for any of your sakes. I’m sure your children would rather have a mum that was separated from their dad but was happy than a mum and dad together but miserable. X

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi there,

My daughter is exactly The same at present. She’s very young so she doesn’t remember what her dad was like and I tried to hide it from her so she was emotionally scarred. She says she misses him about 10 times a day, cries, gets upset, asks if he can live with us again. You just have to be strong and keep repeating the same thing. I think it’s quite normal but just wanted you to know you’re not on your own x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi Harriet,

I’m going through a very difficult time sorting child contact with my ex for our child. Your experience might not be like mine so please don’t let sorting contact put you off leaving.
Once you are out and feeling able I’d set out very clear boundaries about how/when he sees your child. Hopefully he is agreeable but if he starts messing about then you can get a solicitor involved.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Kip is right, the first time he abused you then you had every right to leave. Is there any excuse that you can think of to get him out the house for a while?
You aren’t guilty or deceitful, you can bet your bottom dollar that when he’s abusing you he doesn’t feel guilty. You are strong, you have come this far, it seems very very messy and overwhelming right now but you can do this ❤️
What helped and still does help me is imagining my future where this is all a bad memory and things are happy and I am free. Good luck x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi Hopefulwishes

It sounds like you’ve got a plan together and are putting things in place so you can leave which is great. Well done for reaching out and taking those steps!
I just wanted to come on and say that whatever threats your partner is making, yes they are scary and horrible, please don’t let them scare you into staying. My ex said all the same things. Said he would ruin my life,said he would make sure I get sacked, said he would hurt my friends, said he’d kill himself and make sure everyone knew I’d done it, said he would turn our daughter against me. You name it, he said it. It’s their way of making sure we are too scared to leave. That is all it is. Another desperate stab at them clawing back that control and making us so scared of losing what is precious to us that we stay out of fear. It’s disgusting and emotional manipulation. Try not to worry about how contact with him and your child will be worked out. The main focus right now is getting you and your children somewhere safe. Contact can be sorted later. Try not to think too far ahead as it can also scare you into staying because it can feel so overwhelming. Take each day at a time ❤️

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Thanks for the responses. Think I was just so upset and frustrated earlier. I got an email this evening off my solicitor saying FINALY my legal aid has been granted. This was down to pure luck that another professional body offered to fill in the template form for me that I needed to claim legal aid. I’m really glad it’s sorted because it means I can move forward in getting something drawn up.
Yeah I mean he’s not paying me anything for our daughter at the moment anyway so I’ve had to go through child maintenance which can take up to 6 weeks. But yet he still expects to see her. Convenient isn’t it how these men seem to demand things yet can’t actually pay for their kids! Feels like I’m going in the right direction. I’ve asked my work for more support because I’m mentally struggling to deal with his difficult behaviour on top of working full time and parenting.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou everyone ❤️ I’ve had the same (detail removed by moderator) story (detail removed by moderator) from him. I blocked his number in the end. He then got his mother to message me. Her message was (detail removed by moderator)…etc etc etc” he had rang her and told her to message me telling me (detail removed by moderator). He’s a deranged human being and his mother is a classic enabler. I flick from being angry at her for enabling his behaviour and raising such a piece of work to being sad that she’s his biggest victim.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

It’s like all these abusers have been to the same club on how to hurt people! Reading your replies it’s scary how alike they all sound! One time I’d taken my (detail removed by Moderator) ring off because I was washing up, left it (detail removed by Moderator) high up so only an adult could reach it. I accidentally forgot about it and went a few days till I noticed I hadn’t put it back on. I went to (detail removed by Moderator) and it was gone. I immediately felt sick because I knew if I’d lost it he would of gone mental. But only an adult could of reached (detail removed by Moderator) so I was confused. That evening he asked me where my ring was. I said well it was on (detail removed by Moderator) and explained why I’d taken it off. He didn’t become angry which made me suspicious. Turns out he had taken it off the (detail removed by Moderator) and hidden it.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou so much everyone for your replies and reassurance ❤️ Xx it means a lot. I think because he was saying “look at what you’ve done, by limiting contact you’re upsetting her and making her miss her dad” so I questioned myself. I know I have done the right thing by ending it and am doing the right thing by limiting the amount of contact he has with her (not for selfish reasons, purely for a routine for her) Today we had a better day, she didn’t get upset today. I explained when she was seeing her dad next and she took it happily and then carried on with our activity. It’s been a long day of lone parenting (lockdown isn’t helping I feel soo isolated and lonely) but I keep reminding myself that although I feel alone at least I am safe. The atmosphere in the house is lovely and calm. I am so so so looking forward to spring, lighter nights and warmer days, it brings new hope x

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She’s just started (detail removed by moderator).
I do try and support her by saying that daddy still loves you even though he doesn’t live here anymore and that she can still see him etc. Is it possible she thinks she might have lost him forever? She gets so upset when she comes back from his. I don’t know how to help her. I thought I was doing the right thing but splitting up with her abusive father but now it seems she’s even more upset this way

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

ISOpeace, I am currently having a lot of problems with my ex about contact with our daughter. My advice would be, as the other ladies have advised, to keep a record of everything he does. Can you maybe speak to your GP about it so it’s logged with a professional so if it does go to court you have that to back you up? He sounds very manipulative and controlling which is, as you know is very worrying.
My ex isn’t calm enough not to let his temper get the best of him and thanks to that I’ve been able to log several things he’s done with the police which now when it does go to court the court will see that and not look favourably on him.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yeah of course. I have an appointment with the police (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m going to ask them about non mol order and a sole custody order.

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Yes she’s still going to school. (detail removed by Moderator) I now do all the school pick ups so I’ve taken care of that.

To be honest, he’s never actually really left unsupervised with her. He doesn’t have his own house, he lives with his mum, his step dad and his (detail removed by Moderator) brothers and sisters who my daughter adores. When me and my ex were together I had a good relationship with his siblings as they are quite a lot younger than the ex, some of them are still in school themselves. So my daughter doesn’t even really have that one on one time with my ex when she sees him anyway. She prefers to play with her aunties and uncles (the kids) up in their rooms or will go and sit with my ex’s mum and watch a film with her. It’s when he gets his own house that Id worry. I know he’s in no position to get his own house at the moment so I’m banking on getting some sort of order in place before he does so everything is set in stone.

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No I agree, a court won’t look favourably on his behaviour at all.
Incident team called me (detail removed by Moderator) and said what he’s done is illegal and I could press charges. Only thing is if I do that then he will go absolutely mental and keep my daughter when he sees her. I know he will refuse to bring her back and he will tell her “mummy got daddy arrested” etc etc.
The police have already told me he doesn’t legally have to return her when he has contact so I have to tread carefully until I have something set in place legally unfortunately. Police have booked me in for a discussion about a non mol order on (detail removed by Moderator).

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

From my experience shouting is one of the most common forms of abuse and often one of the ones that is overlooked. I know all the ladies on here will understand the fear and intimidation it can strike into a person. My ex would shout stamp slam for minuscule things! Such as we didn’t have the bread in that he liked or one time I didn’t put his lunch on for him he lost it and started ranting and raving. It’s a tactic they use to show us “you must do these things on MY time, not when you feel like it” amongst other things. It’s vile and because of the constant shouting I suffered growing up and with my ex it now gives me anxiety to hear anyone raise their voice, even if it isn’t directed at me. You’re not pathetic at all. You felt those feelings because of your fight of flight response which is built into us. You shouldn’t have to live a life like that.

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Yeah I agree the dog needed to go a million percent. A lot easier to manage now there isn’t a puppy involved! He will have a good life at (detail removed by moderator) and means my daughter can still see pup too. Think it’s made the ex realise that I do mean business this time.
I definitely know it’s the right thing to do it’s just such a long road I’m trying to hold onto little glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. On Tuesday I was exhausted and felt like it would never end. I had a chat to my counsellor about it, it made me realise I was angry about what he has done. Something I’ve only felt fleetingly, but now there is a part of me that is so angry that he is treating people like this and ruining their lives. Part of me is also angry at his pathetic excuse of a mother and step father too. Sorry to rant!

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou guys for all your support and replies. My CCTV camera is being fitted on (detail removed by moderator). I logged the incident with the police and they called back to say it’s down on their system now and gave me a ref number. The officer said if ex starts any antics like that again then to call 999 if I need.
Spoken to a solicitors about the possibility of them writing to my ex (detail removed by moderator). Solicitors are trying to claim legal aid for me so that I don’t have to pay £250 for the letter to be sent out to ex and any responses he may give to them etc. My old IDVA has been emailed to see if she can fill in the template letter for solicitors claim the legal aid. Just waiting for IDVA to respond back. Once cctv cam is up and I know about the legal aid or not I’ll feel a little more straight about everything in my mind I think. Also, dog is gone, it’s gone to his (detail removed by moderator) so that is another thing he doesn’t have to contact me about. I’ve given him all his documents passport, car insurance documents etc. Slowly getting rid, I know it won’t happen overnight but the anxiety is awful.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Really sorry to bang on and seem like a mad woman. In my rational brain I know that I keep her safe and that these people just want to help me. I think you just hear horror stories. Police tried to call me back, missed the call. Left a voicemail saying they want to send an officer out at some point. Rang back and they’ve said they’ll try again but might be tomorrow now. Trying not to fall asleep in case they call.
Yes my cctv camera arrives tomorrow. Just need to find a handyman who can install it. I don’t know if they’re all being made to stop work cause of covid. Hopefully not! X

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Yes that is true. But it’s my job to protect her. I’m just terrified of her being taken away or the police calling social services and them thinking that she’s better off without me because I let her witness this incident. The police were asking me “what did your daughter think of what was happening”
I know I’m probably panicking and being stupid.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

No I get what you mean. I wouldn’t want to stop contact cause she does love him and likes spending time with him but I would want it limited.
I’ve reported the incident that happened (detail removed by Moderator) to 101. They logged it and said because I’ve called about him before I will get a call of the cert team in a few days about what happens next. I’ve no ideas what that means. What if they think I can’t look after my child x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thankyou kip xx
I just don’t want her growing up with the same issues I did. I was always the different child cause my mum and dad were in court and My dad wasn’t safe enough to be left alone with me. My mum had to watch her every move cause I had social workers and they all favoured my dad and one wrong move from my mum they’d of used that to give my dad full custody. My mum made herself ill with worry, I remember being so small but having anxiety about the days I’d have to go and see him. I suppose it’s different for my daughter, she loves spending time with her dad and happily goes with him. So I’m obviously happy that she has a great relationship with him. I just have to protect myself. Yes he works full time nights. He does from (detail removed by Moderator) so she wouldn’t see him on week days anyway. He picks her up from school for me and drops her off at mine and goes straight to work so he really does barely see her in the week. So his time would be weekends As he doesn’t work them. He dropped her off today, I made sure I met him at the gate and I had my back door locked. He didn’t try anything luckily. I led my daughter straight in the house and closed the door and locked it. He wants her every (detail removed by Moderator) from (detail removed by Moderator) overnight till (detail removed by Moderator) afternoon. Is that fair? Like I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yep. This! When I would have the nightmares about being pregnant the only thing I could think of in my dream was “how could I of let this happen?!” I’d wake up horrified thinking it could be some sort of sign that I was actually pregnant in real life. I sound mean when I say that but I couldn’t of had another child with him, knowing who he was and what he was capable of. I had (detail removed by moderator) which made it very painful to walk, he would get angry with me for walking slow and make me walk faster even though he knew it hurt me. Yes you’re right it is a million times better to be a single parent than to parent with an abuser. X

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Don’t apologise! It helps to hear other people’s experiences. I hope you get your happily ever after whether it’s with children or without 🙂 ❤️

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

I wouldn’t tell him your leaving personally. What if he follows and comes to your new house? It’s very risky and I’m sure you’ve been told before but when a woman says their leaving the risk for their safety increases because the abuser feels like they’re losing control so will step go their abuse. The only reason I told my ex was because he was in my house which he had no right to be in. But even then he (detail removed by Moderator), gave me heaps of emotional abuse before he left. It really is a very risky time. Obviously not trying to scare you and you know your relationship better than me but even if he doesn’t turn aggressive he has that opportunity to turn on the water works and try to convince you to stay, if you tell him you’re going. Is there any way you could set up a fake appointment or something for him? Dentist or opticians or something.

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Yes you are right. I think just seeing your child completely broken at having lost her dad in a sense breaks you too as a parent. Today has been a better day, she did get upset again but I repeated the same thing as I have everytime. Yeah that is very true and a huge part of the reason I left him was because I didn’t want my daughter growing up seeing or hearing awful things x

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Thankyou. I think I just expected her to be fine but now I think she’s slowly realising that we aren’t getting back together it’s hit her hard. Yeah she’s only (detail removed by moderator) and she’s one of the younger ones in the year so she’s very little and doesn’t have much idea of what/why/how. I guess I just thought that because she still sees him that she would be fine. I am hoping it gets easier because it’s heartbreaking to see her so upset. I don’t want her to grow up with abandonment issues or anything like that because of it 🙁

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Her behaviour hasn’t changed at all. I’ve even spoken to her school who have said there’s absolutely no change in her behaviour there either. She just gets these sudden realisations almost that her dad isn’t here in the house anymore and it makes her sad. I’m going to see if there’s any books I can get on the topic but I don’t want to upset her even more. It’s so hard.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Do I have to take him to court to get a non mol order? I feel sick at the thought of him getting a solicitor and ripping chunks out of me in a court

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