Rose1

[Rose1]

I wish I’d left years ago. I definitely feel more anxious and vulnerable having stayed. I cling on to the good times, it amazes me that I’m so crushed and devastated when he turns on me again, which he always does. It’s always my fault. He can shout, frighten and insult me, then casually sit doing a crossword, relaxing, while I’m left distraught. I’d give anything to feel strong confident & in control..to say ‘this is not acceptable I’m leaving you’ I think he feels certain in my fear and gets some sort of kick out of it.

[Rose1]

Thank you for your support. He’s (detail removed by Moderator), still promising it won’t happen again. Unsurprisingly I’m wary of letting my guard down. I’ve done it before and experienced the awful hurt & disappointment of when it all goes wrong. He’ll be on his own working here (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ll be at work fearing the worst. If I could flick a switch, feel strong and be able to say I don’t care anymore, I’d do it in a heartbeat because I’m approaching the autumn years of my life and he’s causing me such distress

[Rose1]

Thank you for the support. It does help in making me feel less isolated in all this

[Rose1]

I’m just (detail removed by Moderator) and since the pandemic my husbands working life has changed, and so has he. He’s become unpredictable volatile and abusive. Trying to navigate it has impacted my well being, to the point I both dread and fear him. The longer you stay the more it chips away. Now, if I ask him to be pleasant and ‘not make a scene’ he says I’m dominating him..I can’t win..there’s only one way to take control and I’m desperately trying to build up my courage to move on after many years

[Rose1]

Thank you for your response Octave and well done on being brave and freeing yourself. Its funny but I used to hope for love..that I’d find it but these last months I just feel suddenly much older, and less confident and, well, less, less of a person and of course I know why..living with a bully, becoming a victim, dims your light in so many ways..and actually writing that makes me feel so angry inside..that I’ve put up with his nasty ways for so long

[Rose1]

Hello there, a lot of what you write is familiar to me. Every disagreement is my fault..if I dare question his behavior he loses his temper, shouts swears at me, especially when he’s been drinking, and I often get the silent treatment until I try to make amends..and this may be because one of our children are due to visit so I’ll do it for them..so there isn’t an atmosphere..sadly it seems once they know they have this control they use it. I’m glad you have friends that are aware of whats going on..hold onto that as you move forwards.

[Rose1]

Thank you getting tired.. yes I don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this..for a number of years I actually felt hopeful of getting out..stronger, it was just a matter of time ..but herein lies the cautionary tale..abuse chips away at that confidence, at your self esteem, until you find yourself unsure, frightened and less..well thats how it has been for me..I feel less, and his angry face makes me feel afraid..Tonight he won’t speak to me. I’ve said something he doesn’t like..and this may well continue through tomorrow..he’ll decide. Even now I find myself wondering who would choose an atmosphere..particularly when social contact is limited..who would choose that..he decides it..I’m left with it.

[Rose1]

Thank you for your supportive words..I need to seek some legal advice..he earns a big wage much much more than me and often says things like don’t buy that you’ll need the money when your skint..there’s always some sort of threat. Tonight I actually considered ringing the police..he was just raging saying the same thing over and over again..what stopped me..I’m embarrassed..embarrassed that I’m here being bullied..that I don’t throw a few things in a bag and say ‘I’m off because I’m.scared of what to do next.

[Rose1]

Hello Daffy well done on reaching out. I’m in a similar ‘stuck situation and when I posted just before Christmas the supportive responses made me feel much less alone. I’ve been given some good advice from ladies who are further down the line from where we currently are and I know it will be forthcoming for you..I just wanted to reach out and encourage you to keep sharing, it definitely helps..my husbands behaviour has resulted in me feeling scared too..he raises his voice and I feel scared..not sure when this fear set in but like you I know its no way to live..and this forum and the lovely ladies on it will stand with you and offer practical advice as you navigate your way.

[Rose1]

Hi Swan

Reading your post made me dreadfully sad because its basically my story..the hope that things will have changed for the better only to be hurt and disappointed time after time and when you lull yourself into this false sense of security its devastating to find yourself back in the same heartbreaking situation. I almost left my husband. I met a nice kind quiet man, but in the end I talked it through with husband and it was agreed we’d make a good go of it..it didn’t last and now he uses it as a tool to berate me and call me names. Take all the advice given..including trying to get some savings..I’m saving quietly and I’ve spoken to my GP. Keep talking it helps. I wish you luck

[Rose1]

Thank you Kip..I do have cash hidden in the (detail removed by Moderator)..as ridiculous as it sounds. I will start to move money from my account. I know he has money in an account I can’t see. He gets bonuses from work and I rarely know how much. He absolutely resents me being able to buy anything without his say so..in non pandemic times when I was doing my degree and had little money of my own he’d love to spoil any trip to see a concert or a show by going on and on about the price of the tickets..I’ve never been allowed to buy a programme at the theatre..by the time I got to see whatever it was any excitement would be gone and he’d sit there with a blank expression on his face…yet hear him on the phone to a work colleague and he’d spin a completely different story..making himself sound like a fun guy loving his weekends! More faces than the town hall clock as my old aunt used to say

[Rose1]

Kip im so sorry to read about your son, hopefully in time he’ll see his father for what he is. Thank you for sharing your experiences..it often feels like your so alone when your drowning in all of it

[Rose1]

The latest (detail removed by Moderator) is his suggestion that I hand over (detail removed by Moderator) pounds towards (detail removed by Moderator) for our son. He knows I have a little bit of money saved from my wages and he absolutely hates that he can’t see how much I have. He earns a very good salary and will never be short of money..I earn a fraction of what he does and as such have been saving for my own future. He actually said to our son your mum will give you a (detail removed by Moderator)..I’d give my son the moon but I know this is just husband controlling me removing more security

[Rose1]

Pea I just read all the posts and I’m so familiar with the hope you place every time your abuser is nice to you..I’ve been married a long time and despite the cruelty if he turns nice I try and kid myself things will change for good. I can be told I’m loved at 8am and screamed at in the face by 8pm..as such anxiety is often my overriding state. I’m now on medication for my stomach to stop me feeling sick..its the anxiety so now both my mental and physical health have been affected..i wish you peace and happiness whatever choice you make but with him id say be wary of the ‘good times’ I amaze myself that when I think all will be well I’m absolutely floored once again when he turns on me. Take care

[Rose1]

Thank you KIP. As you say why would he be considerate around his son when he is openly abusive to his mum. Our son is so unlike his father im pleased to say..but he’s also a bit of a worrier and `I am heartbroken to think his parents relationship has caused this. He has a lovely girlfriend and they have a very calm and lovely relationship, but a few months ago he said something a bit teasing to her, nothing bad but he immediately said sorry sorry and I thought hes witnessed his dad’s cruel jibes too often and now he’s worried about saying the wrong thing. I don’t want him thinking life is to be lived like your afraid of stepping on egg shells. Breaks my heart

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