Ruby2shoes

[Ruby2shoes]

I couldn’t get through the helpline at first but kept trying I left a message and was very clear they could only ring me at a specific time i.e., between 4 & 5, they rang me dead on 4 and it was such a relief to talk to someone. Please leave a message for when it’s safe to call they will call you back.

[Ruby2shoes]

Hi I don’t feel afraid of him not in a physical sense although he can sometimes be intimidating. We’ve been married a long time and he just has no idea I feel the way i do. He is emotionally abusive more than anything and I don’t want to report to the police as I’m not even sure I want to leave him yet but I know things have to change. I can’t live like this anymore. I need counselling to come to terms with what’s been happening to me over the years and how I’m going to face the future either with or without him but either way I can’t go on as I am.
Woman’s aid told me to go to my gp. They’ve also put me in touch with an outreach worker but this is through (detail removed by Moderator) not woman’s aid. I’ve got an appointment later in the month with them but why’ve already told me they don’t offer counselling. So feel I’m going round in circles at bit.

[Ruby2shoes]

So I saw gp (detail removed by Moderator) and poured my heart out. She was very sympathetic and just really listened and asked a few questions. She hasn’t given me any meds for anxiety or lack of sleep etc but then I didn’t ask for any either. She has given me a number to call for counselling on the NHS. I will ring them next week. However I have two further concerns. One when I told a friend about it she advised it was the same place she had been to for when she was suffering for low mood and that it was more of a training coursenshe went on. I don’t want that If that’s the case I feel I need proper 1-1 counselling with someone who understands emotional abuse and coercive control. Secondly if I am able to get counselling I will need excuses up my sleeve as he won’t understand why I’m having counselling. If I say I’m working then he’ll expect me to being paid overtime so I can’t use that as an excuse. Any ideas around this as I would assume it would be a regular on going thing.

[Ruby2shoes]

Me too thanks if anyone knows.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you golden girl. He doesn’t come to gp with me he inks I’m going for a repeat contraceptive not that there’s much of that going on these days. I do have a couple of minor health complaints that I can use as future excuses. Thanks for the advice that’s great to know and helpful as an opener to get talking, unfortunately my lovely gp who knew me and my husband well and the birth of our daughter etc died and she was amazing but I dont know this gp very well. I’ve booked a double appointment so I’m not rushed out after 5 mins!

[Ruby2shoes]

Hi sorry to ask but what does a family worker do and how do you go about getting one?

[Ruby2shoes]

I will get help I’m just waiting for the professional advice from the outreach support for and to know my legal rights with my daughter whose nearly (detail removed by Moderator) as I’m not prepared for lose her so need to know my facts before I do this. Well done on telling your dad I’m sure you will feel so much better once you have and knowing he’ll always have your back. Keep us posted on how you get on. Xx

[Ruby2shoes]

Gosh this could be me! I’ve told my parents now, well I told my mum who told my dad as I knew I’d cry if I told him. He then sent me a text to say Mum had told him and that mine and my daughters happiness is his only concern and that I deserve so much better. Naturally I cried! I’m very close to my dad. I went to see them and told them how I was feeling and they were very supportive and said they will support me whether I stay or leave. The one issue I have is that they’ve kind of said they’ve hated the way he talks to me for years but bit their Tongues as i was oblivious to it and they didn’t want to make it worse for me. They’ve been saying what they feel about him which kind of makes me feel they want me to leave him but they say it has to be my decision. This pulls at your heart strings too as I want to please them but I’m still undecided as my situation is complex. We’re in huge debt thanks to my Husband and my parents had already bailed us out once but he’s gone and done it again and this time we owe more! I not been able to tell them about the debt, I’ve to,d them about the other abuse but for me once I tell them about e debt that will be the nail in the coffin and they’re will be no going back. They’d be mortified about this. I also worry as they’re pensioners in their late 70s they’ve said if I’m going to do anything do it while they’re still around so they can help me but I don’t want to add that burden to them.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you Maddog what a difficult time you’ve had. I’m still waiting for my outreach appointment so maybe I’m jumping the gun a little and things will become more evident once I’ve met with them. My next hurdle is trying to find excuses to go to the doctors or outreach or counselling appointments if I’m offered them. I work and when I’m not at work I’m home and he’ll wonder where I am. If I say I’ve got to work on he’ll expect me to be paid overtime so that means I can’t use that excuse, same if I got time off work during the day to go to appointments my work would expect me to make the time up or take it unpaid. If it was unpaid he’d want to know why my salary was down and If I stayed late at work making time up he’d want to know why I wasn’t being paid for it. I’m no good at lying. Argh!!

[Ruby2shoes]

Thanks for your advice KIP. Sounds like you had a tough time hopefully I’ll get to be as strong in time. I don’t have any evidence so far he’s never physically assaulted me. He’s punched and kicked other things but I’ve not got evidence of this other than a hole in the airing cupboard door on the inside where his fist went that no one else can see. He could say that was damaged by anything. I’m keeping notes of what he says to me but I’ve no filmed evidence.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you both that’s reassuring. I had such a lovely lady gp for many years that knew our family well but she sadly died and since then we see anyone. I’ve deliberately waited to see a female gp but I just feel apprehensive about getting it out there “officially” as it were. I’m really hopefully she’ll be helpful I’m glad you’re both getting the support you need. Madog may I ask how woman’s aid have helped with counselling how did you access this? did you get referred by them if so how?

[Ruby2shoes]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing this, I feel your pain. This is my biggest fear. I’m currently holding back on doing anything as my teenager is entering (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t want to disrupt exams. My teenager has said that they would stay with dad if they felt there was no reason to leave. E.g. If they didn’t feel unsafe themselves why should they go. This hurt massively as it’s my only child who idolises their father. They recognise what he’s doing to me isn’t. Normal but being a teenager has taken an I’m alright Jack attitude I think and let’s face it why would they want to leave a lovely home with sky tv wifi etc in their bedroom to move in with their grandparents, that’s just how a teen would think? I refuse to live without my child why should I be punished more. Like you I can only hope that our seeds of love overcome but it’s so hard. He has already done a piece of work on our child always ganging up against me, croticising all sorts mums a rubbish cook etc anything to poke fun at me make me out to be the lesser parent even though it’s me that does everything for the them domestically as well as work full time and I know all the school dates, parents eves, trips etc which no one else bothers about. Yet my role as a mother is diminished by him. When it’s just my teen and I we get on fabulously but when they’re together they gang up on me. I worry if I left he would do more damage and turn my teen against me. My teen also says if he left me they’d stay with me and if I left him theyd stay with him as that’s only fair! At nearly (detail removed by moderator) I’m led to believe my teen can make their own decisions but I can’t risk that. It’s such a horrible place to be isn’t it.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you all. I spoke with them again today and they were extremely apologetic and accepted that it could have put me in danger and it should never of happened. I expressed how unhappy i was about it and they understood and assured me it won’t happen again. I’ve got no alternative but to give them a chance this is the only lifeline that I’m clinging to at the moment for all the advice i need.

[Ruby2shoes]

I’m so sorry to hear this. Your circumstances are different to mine but I can wholly relate to the abuse you’re experiencing it sounds identical to all the feelings I’ve been having. I’ve experienced it for many many years and am only just starting to wake up to the fact. I’m finding reading the posts on here incredibly supportive and helpful. Ring woman’s aid I’ve only rang them once myself for the first time last week but already I’m feeling like I’m starting to take back a bit of control. My circumstances are extremely complex and I’m still trying to process everything that’s happened to me and find a way forward. I don’t know what the answer is yet but you’ve taken the right step in coming here.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you from me too. I will
Also google this knowledge is power! I had a really good heart to heart with my parents today Who are incredibly supportive. I still couldn’t tell them about the debt but it was interesting as they’ve thought for years he controlled me in fact they said they’ve wanted to say things on many occasions due to the way he speaks to me but have bit their lip for fear of repercussions for me!
The debt issue and my daughter continue to hold me back for now while I continue to gather and arm myself with as much information as possible. I too am
Trying to act normal for now. Good luck keep me posted x

[Ruby2shoes]

Thanks KIP. My mind is all over the place. This morning I tackled a little bit of our money concerns not in great details as i wasn’t up to it emotionally but to the point where i was trying to stop him spending more and advised how worried i was about what we owe. The whole discussion made me feel like i was about to have a panic attack (not that i’ve ever had one but breathless, heart racing etc). Then within an hour we were doing some household jobs together that needed doing and working as a team. It’s just so weird. Then a conversation with our daughter about something in our lives that provoked another emotion memory. My situation is very complex but it doesn’t help when i feel like this. I’ve spoken to the helpline and am just waiting for an outreach appointment and my GP appointment. I go from feeling strong to weak and thinking if he had any idea what i was up to he’d be mortified…as you say I’m feeling guilty. I just can’t help thinking that I’ve never really stood up to him before because of his behaviours I’ve been frightened to but i keep hoping that armed with the right advice and knowing that i am now being abused i will feel stronger to tackle him on his behaviour. BUT i’m torn because i think lets give it a shot and address the issues together surely our marriage deserves that to know that I tried everything before making the decision to walk away and then in the next breath i’m reading all this stuff which suggests he’ll never change. What a rollercoaster of emotions.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you my dad is a star he’s the most amazing man he says I deserve better. I saw my parents yesterday with husband in tow and I had to text ahead to ask them to be nice. It’s so hard. I’m seeing them on my own tomorrow and whilst I’m so glad of their support I’m afraid to tell them everything. I need more time. I’m still getting my own head around how I feel. I read all the stuff about what emotional abuse is and I think yep that’s him. But the. He’s ok and I doubt myself is this normal? Does anyone have experience of actually showing their partners a list of their abusive traits as I genuinely think he doesn’t realise he may do on a sub conscious level but I wonder if I showed him he would be appalled I was feeling this way. Maybe I’m deluded. Anyone done this?

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you it’s so hard isn’t it. I was crying driving to work yesterday morning thinking about he possibility of losing her. She is of an age to make up her mind but she’s my baby why should I lose her at the hands of what’s he’s done to me?
One small positive last night he said something about doing something that would make me happy (in relation to what we’ve recently argued over) and he said because you’ve been miserable all week. I said no I’m miserable because I don’t like how you speak to me and I’m not going to put up with it anymore. It wasn’t the big heart to heart to say how I really feel as I really didn’t wanna another awful reaction but I feel I’m finally finding my inner voice a little to start pushing back against him.
The debt is still another matter entirely that’s going to take a lot of unpicking.

[Ruby2shoes]

Thank you Kip. I’ll try and contact woman’s rights. I just feel so sick like I’m doing everything behind his back. I’m also scared that the moment I start involving professionals things will then spiral and escalate. I want help but I’m so worried about my daughter (detail removed by moderator) the enormity I’d the pressure she’s under with that alone makes me want to ensure she’s not destabilised. I have to put her first. How does a moleststionnorder work what evidence is needed? I also worry about removing him form the home as he’s no where to go and his business is ran from our home. If he doesn’t earn from that he could walk away and leave me with all the horrendous debts. I’ve could do that in any case I realise if he chose to just stop paying.
I feel so wretched and drained and trying to work and maintain normality is hard too. (detail removed by moderator) But why can’t he see he’s not apologised or discussed his bebbehaviour so he’s not addressed anything at all. He just gone back to “normal” whatever that is.
How did you get out of your situation you say you were in a similar boat would you mind sharing your experiences? I’m also seeing my parents (detail removed by moderator)once I’ve finished work. I’ve not seen them since my heart to heart with Mum and my lovely dad sent me an emotional message. I want to be honest but can’t tell them yet too much or aboutnthe debt. They’re meant to be coming to our house for Christmas for the first time ever and I’ve got to ask them to keep up appearances it’s all si much going on I just don’t know what to say to them. (detail removed by moderator). Never a good time but it’s seeiosuly a bad time. I’ve also got to try and stop him spending more money. It won’t be long before he’ll stsrt on about a new kitchen or a new car or some other ridiculous thing we can’t afford he’s so delusional.

[Ruby2shoes]

Hi,Kip is that right about his debt being your debt. I’m in massive debt and saw a legal clinic last week and was told he is responsible for his debt and I’m responsible for mine but any debts we jointly hold are responsible for each other.

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