Scottish Thistle

[Scottish Thistle]

Exactly this with my ex and I suppose a reason why I allowed him to treat me as he did – I felt sorry for him. I felt bad that I had the ‘normal’ family life that he never got. His family upbringing was selfish, volatile especially with for him and his elder sibiling, the younger ones had a different upbringing as they were girls.

It took years for me to realise if he wasn’t going to help himself and break his family cycle I couldn’t help him.

After breaking fee a massive weight has been taken off granted not at the beginning as I still felt bad but as time has gone on and I have less and less dealings with him I no longer feel responsible for him, his upbringing and how he does things going forward.

[Scottish Thistle]

Mine used to say he’d commit suicide when things didn’t go his way and that’s probably why I stayed as long as I did as I didn’t want that on my conscience or blaming myself if I walked out when he ‘needed me’ mine though made it open on social media all for attention. I had people messaging saying I had to help him, I’ve had the police at the door because people have reported his posts etc.

It was hard but when I left if I heard that he was still talking about suicide not to get sucked back in – I’ve never gone back!

Yes his tactics have changed but I’m a much stronger person now and so much happier.

[Scottish Thistle]

Mine would contact my mam, she ended up like the rest of my family blocking him so he could no longer do so. Few months back he messaged one of my cousins to pass on a message, she refused and told him so then blocked him. She didn’t go into details with me just said he’d randomly messaged her and that she had now blocked him.

[Scottish Thistle]

It’s very hard especially when there was such a big publicity stint for domestic abuse and to report, you finally thought you’d get the help you needed but didn’t always turn out that way.

There is things my ex did which he seemed to either get off with it in that the police didn’t warrant as an offence and no further action but then I’d read in the local paper people getting done for similar offences to my ex who got nothing done. What was so different to my report to the other persons? My only advice is to still log things with the police even if you just say you want it logged and then when you need proof you have it all logged with the police.

[Scottish Thistle]

The thing is he’s with someone else, surely she must be questioning why we are still tied or trying to get him to pursue the divorce or sale of house as I’m sure he is blaming the delays all on me.

No one understands how unreasonable he has been and many assume I’m just exaggerating. I even showed a colleague a solicitor letter to prove what I was dealing with.

Tiredofitall – I hope yours accepts an offer soon so that you can at least be one step closer to your freedom.

[Scottish Thistle]

Thanks Shazza, we were so close to the separation agreement but he realised the control he had over me would be coming to an end and got more awkward that his solicitor stopped acting for him.

When that happened I did think I should have given him or did what he demanded.

It’s sole destroying at times and yes as you say solicitors aren’t cheap at all ☹️

That’s what keeps me going at times hoping one day I’ll be truest free

[Scottish Thistle]

I struggled with this when I first found out my ex was seeing someone. I had the same questions was it me, did I really make him unhappy or was it my fault I didn’t get treated the way he was treating her – the Facebook profile pics and telling everyone he was so happy in his new life.

It took speaking with my womens aid worked in depth that I realised it wasn’t me and that this is a path these abusers take and in time he would start treating and putting her through what he did to me and sure enough he has started slipping and showing his true colours yet again.

Just remember you did nothing wrong, a counsellor once told me to make a list of reasons why you left (his behaviour etc) and times you question your decision look at your list. That part helped me too

[Scottish Thistle]

It does get easier, took me a while to get there but you do.

I too questioned leaving and stopping contact. I felt guilty and a bad person about how ‘upset’ he was over it all and how I made him like that. But after some counselling I seen things differently and started believing I did the right thing and his behaviour now just proves I did – I would also restrict mutual friends on social and take off any friends you had that came via your ex.

[Scottish Thistle]

Unfortunately not in my experience – the more boundaries I put up the more persistent he becomes. I’ve blocked him on everything, deleted mutual friends etc but still tries to find a way to get to me.

All I can say is keep your wits about you and as hard as it is to set the record straight don’t say anything about your ex or what your doing in your life (if you still have mutual friends) to people. The less that gets back to him the better.

[Scottish Thistle]

I’ve had similar experiences with the police, although some were great the majority weren’t helpful. Despite messages saying my ex wished me dead etc via a third party the police did nothing and seen no threat to me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I continue to log everything with the police still so that there is a record of events regardless if they do anything.
All I would recommend is keep a log yourself with the police incident numbers recorded and keep recording incidents with the police.

[Scottish Thistle]

So a little update — after discussing with my solicitor we went back with a response that seemed fair and one that would stop any further demands/stalls.

(detail removed by moderator)

So deflated had my hopes up that I was one step closer to be finally free from his hold to being stuck again.

[Scottish Thistle]

No I don’t think he would intentionally damage anything, it’s more that he can’t let go off me and because I have blocked all communications with friends he used to use in the past to get to me he has no ‘fuel’ so to speak. I’m quite a private person and don’t post my daily life on social media so he has no idea what I do in my life now where he’s the opposite and would post everything would drive me mad.

I have no objection to the house being valued or that my only concern is him in the house. I will talk my concerns over with my solicitor and let you know how I get on – thanks all for your help

[Scottish Thistle]

Thank you bananaboat yes all communications are through our solicitors we have no contact, not without trying on his part though. He’s been the opposite at the start wanted to claim everything until we had said it was not a fair split of assets some of the items he wanted were gifts to me alone.

[Scottish Thistle]

Hi both thank you for your replies. Heretohelp (detail removed by moderator) when he collected his belongings the last time he was told to collect from the garden as I would not facilitate him being in the house. He’s not the quickest at acting on anything so if he did find repairs (he won’t) he would drag his heels to rectify. I did say to my solicitor at our last communication that he would come back with other demands just to prolong the hold on me and this is what he’s doing now.

Kip – yes I’m not going to play his game and will get my solicitor to be blunt with him again, I just didn’t want to think I was reading to much into things or being unfair (although he’s put me through much worse). He would definitely turn up just to prove a point but would be here ages stalling to leave.

I’m going to chat with my solicitor and give her my concerns about his latest request.

Thank you both

[Scottish Thistle]

Thank you for this Twisted Sister, the orders I currently have out on my ex I had to pay for it was all a bit of a blur to be honest but could have been solicitor fees I had to pay for my solicitor to process

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