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Thanks TS, I really appreciate you coming back to me. That’s so true, it doesn’t matter what the trigger/realisation is, it’s just that you see it and do something about it. It’s true I know what i know and I will do it, I feel more ready than I have in a long time. Just need to be brave and take the final leap. Thank you again and thank you for sharing your experience, I always find it encouraging here, we are a bunch of warriors, no matter where we are on our journeys. Thanks for all the support x

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ISOPeace – thanks for starting this, I agree it is such an interesting topic. I had heard of trauma bonds before and how they are typical, especially in narcissistic relationships. However, I hadn’t realised just how they worked or the reason for me being stuck until I’m pretty sure it was you who kindly pointed it out. I appreciated that so much, it’s one thing to know about something, but quite another to look at yourself. I love the idea of a sponsor and someone you can call and who can remind you of why not to go back, but putting it like that is so good. I’ve written it down.

I haven’t watched any YouTube videos for a while and I watched this one earlier about why you are stuck. They talked about how over the years they erode your self esteem so you don’t feel good enough and how that can be in the back of your mind without you realising. How you need to fix yourself otherwise you just end up in the same cycle. That hit home because I realise I still have a very negative internal dialogue, or think that being with someone else would make me happy.

Your post has made me think, I’m going to do some research and see what I can find xx

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Congratulations!!! That’s such lovely news and you can do this, they have already seen your potential :-D! It will be so good for you and give you the boost you deserve and need. All the best x

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Well done, sounds good! I will have to have a look :-). You can set up a Just Giving page (no idea how as others have always done it!). But that way you can ask for sponsorship and then can just go on to the page donate and you haven’t got to have the bother of collecting in sponsorship. As to why you are doing it, you could just say, there has been so much in the news about the increase in cases and stress on charities during lockdown you wanted to do something for them. It’s true, there has been a lot re domestic violence, so you can keep it generic for people who don’t need an explanation.

Good luck with the run 🙂 xx

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Auriel – that would be a great t-shirt ;-)!!

I found these quotes this morning on pinterest and I thought I would share it:

“I’m proud of you. The truth is, if most people really knew your story and all the things you’ve been through, they’d probably wonder how you’re still smiling. So, if you don’t hear it from anyone else, I’m proud of you” – Coach I am Enough

“Don’t make someone else the hero of your survival story. After all you’ve been through, you deserve the credit. No therapist, conference or book took those steps for you. You did. Nothing can touch the depths of how hard you’ve worked to overcome. You should be so proud”

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Auriel I love this thread and it’s so encouraging to read everyone’s experiences and what has helped them. Like secretlife I’m still here but this is what’s helped me:

– Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter YouTube Chanels.
– This forum and the amazing ladies on here, to everyone for being brave to share their story, even a little bit. To know you aren’t alone or going bonkers!
– acupuncture – if anyone can do this, then would thoroughly recommend. It has been life changing!
– Reading ‘why does he do that’ and the Freedom Programme – thanks to the recommendations on here. Again really really interesting information and once you have had the revelation – you just can’t unsee what has/or is happening.
– Exercising, but finding what I enjoy and sticking to it. No stress, just go and have fun.
– cleaning, I got to the point where I just gave up on everything. But now I have the energy and desire to do jobs, not that I love my home. I don’t, it’s not really my home. But just because it’s chaos because of him doesn’t mean I have to live like I was.
– Re-setting my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept anymore. .
– Finally realising/accepting that the few things I do have, are just that, things. If I need to get out quickly, I can and everything can be replaced.
– writing everything down from the beginning of our relationship.
– Talking to family and friends, not being ashamed to say what is or has happened.
– Realising that I’m still here, because I chose to be. Not because I am scared to leave. For now it’s a bit ‘calmer’ so during this time I can work on me. y
– when people pay me a compliment, I try to take it and just say ‘thank you’, rather than feel the need to come back with some sort of sarcastic humour designed to put me down.
– Cutting out toxic people where I can.

These are a few things, but I definitely feel there has been a shift in me. I’ve also had friends/colleagues say to me that I am different, that there is shift if how I am. So yay, it is working – but that is a big thanks to you ladies. I feel that in the year I’ve gone from victim, to survivor and dare I say it transitioning to thriver mode :-)!! Because from here on out, whatever happens, I will be ok. I can look after myself, I work and I’m a kind person. Thank you again, we really are much stronger than we realise and we should be proud of how far we have come. Because we have all made huge steps, but we had to do that, no one else could do it for us! xx

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Hey Secretlife, this is so good to hear well done! I’ve also had friends say the same about me this year and one I haven’t seen for a couple of years! It makes you feel so good doesn’t it and give you a real boost, like you’re going in the right way. I think the spouses figure something is going on, but hey that’s their issue! Its good to have some supportive friends and like you I’m blessed with that. I think for others, it’s not that they don’t care, they either don’t really understand or maybe they can’t cope and that’s fine. Well done and keep going, it makes you stand a bit taller and your post has made me smile, not been here for a while so worth looking just for this 🙂 x

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Vaavaavoom, I’m also pleased to hear you are getting out and the advice above is so hopeful. The last time I almost went, I said at the time and then I got the physical threats, threats to loved ones and finally the crocodile tears! I am still here and really wished I’d gone. If you have anything that really means a lot to you are you able to get them out? I have stuff stashed all over, but it does mean that now when I’m ready I have very little that I need to grab. But definitely most important is your safety, big hugs and you are a strong lady! x

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Auriel I love it 😀 that’s such a good quote made me chuckle too. I also love this one “The best revenge you can get on a woman who steals your man is to let her keep him.” posted by wants to help near the beginning of this thread!

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Thank you both for sharing your stories here. It is so encouraging to hear the positive steps you have each made and how you are progressing. I love the positivity about being single, I needed to read these and be reminded that it is ok. I have definitely felt a shift since doing things to take back my power, I’m getting there 🙂 – thanks for sharing xx

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These quotes are great, I love them all thanks Littledove for bumping them up. I love the messages you can get from kids films too.

I am definitely an autumn girl and love this quote: “Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.”

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we just didn’t know, like secretlife said, most of us thought of domestic abuse as physical violence and I guess it’s only recently that the law in this country has accepted coercive control is abuse. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for not noticing or why didn’t we do this or that and why not sooner. I watched a really helpful YouTube video and they were saying this about forgiving ourselves for what we didn’t understand then for what we know now. I liked that, because it’s easy to beat ourselves up, but we didn’t understand. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up for what hasn’t happened, we can look forward at what we can control. I’m so pleased you have a job and can get out of the house. I don’t know how your finances work, but definitely make sure you put some aside for yourself, get a bit of savings going. Take care and stay safe x

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This post is so helpful, thank you nbumblebee for posting. I understand where you are coming from, I am still to make any move. At the moment I am struggling with not being sucked into it being ‘ok’ at the moment. I have found all of the responses so helpful. I also really like Dr Ramani’s YouTube videos and actually you might find those helpful, because she says that not everyone can or wants to leave. But she tries to help you so you can change how you view your relationship. So rather than being there because you haven’t any choice, you are choosing too for a specific reason that you know. Although she does also say that once you see it, you can’t unsee it and that is where I have got too.

I also found the freedom online programme really interesting and helpful and also need to get on reading the lundy bancroft book. As the others said one day at a time, baby steps. Only you can decide and make a decision, but you are a strong lady and thanks for coming here and sharing x

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I agree with kip – let the NHS/GP/family know and let them deal with it. If you get a call threatening they are about to do something then 999 and report it. Let the authorities deal with it, he isn’t banking on you doing that. Mine will make those threats from time to time, last time I asked if he actually had a plan because if he did I would have to make some calls (it was safe for me to say at the time). But people who sadly resort to taking their own lives, don’t blab about it or use it as a threat – they just go and do it. It is emotional blackmail and another way to keep you stuck. It is so easy to just become immune to the threats, I think because sometimes you just wish they would get on with it. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and/or think, but it’s how it’s affected me.

Also as has been said domestic abusers don’t often look the type (whatever society has them portrayed as). But if they see red, then who knows what they are capable of. Please keep yourself as safe as you can xx

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Hi Isopeace, I have only felt this in the last month or so, felt a shift in how I feel and why I’m here. I am pretty sure you were the lovely lady who pointed me into the direction of trauma bonds, because earlier in the year I was in the position of, I know it’s crazy i’m still here, but I can’t tell you why. I researched trauma bonding and also looked at ways I could practically help myself. Just for me I had to get back in control of my life, admit what the situation was and that it would never change. For me personally, taking on the advice from you wonderful lot, talking to my friends and not being afraid to say what has actually been going on throughout our relationship. Then I finally booked my acupuncture sessions and I really felt a shift in my energy and mental clarity. I was more grounded. He thought I was going for one reason, but it was for anxiety, overthinking, etc. I was amazed at how much better I felt in myself. I felt calmer than I have in a long time.

So now I think all the time I’m here it’s saving me money, but the more I stay the more I realise I just don’t love him like that anymore. I am fully aware of what he would be capable of and I just feel like it would be less scary leaving than being scared or uncomfortable in the place that meant to be your home. I am sure when it actually comes to take the leap, it will be terrifying, but I know I’m stronger than that. Does that make sense? Probably sounds crazy 😉 x

Thank you for all you do, to encourage and help and point us in the right direction. x

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