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Lovesick: The Marilyn Syndrome
Great book with lots of practical advice how to quit, meditation techniques etc. Sorry if already on the list.

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You need to gather information to understand your possibilities and get a plan prepared.

Contact landlord and explain the situation. If you’ll need to get all the checks done, this might be a problem as you don’t have sufficient income. Please do not go for joint tenancy!!! This would be a great mistake! he will use this to manipulate you and threaten!

Contact your local council. You can explain the situation, having domestic abuse as a major factor and tenancy running out, they may be able to offer you emergency accommodation. Alternatively, you may apply for council housing and they will allocate higher band to you. Please be prepared they will be resistant and will try to get rid of you, you need to push! Just hang up and phone again until ou get the right person on the line.

Contact your local women’s support group. Google and check your councils webpage. They got increased budget funding now to support domestic abuse victims, many got their local phone lines set up as national are too busy at the moment. Ask for advice. You can get legal advice on the option you have which is helpful.
Your local council will be able to provide you with the information about private landlords letting their properties via council schemes, i.e. they’d accept housing benefits. Ask for this as well.

Start this preparation work to be ready to the next step! You’ll be feeling more confident now!

Your priority is to stay safe. Ideally would be to move to your mum and search for alternative accommodation while being in safety. I understand you don’t feel he may be dangerous, but it always escalates, always! As soon as he will understand you are serious, he will start trying different ways to keep you, and some of them may be very dangerous!
Mine never was physical, but I ended up by reporting him to the police and being scared to sleep in the same house with him. I wish I had my mum or any other relative to move to.

Please be careful! xx

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Hi Mumofone17,

Thank you!
I am actually out for quite a long period of time and rebuilt my life fully.

You’ve left him twice – these are the steps! The true is that you will quit anyway. You are here, which means you understand you have to do this. And you will do! Just takes time!

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KIP is absolutely right!

You need to educate yourself to understand the reasons and to get answers.
This makes everything so much clearer and easier to cope with!

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Hi Wishbone,

You are not alone in your situation! There wouldn’t be so much abuse if it wouldn’t be like that.

Reading and educating yourself helps a lot. I’ve stopped being emotionally dependant on him after I understood the reasons I had all these feelings (same as yours), and this was all about me really.
It’s about not loving yourself and having empty hole inside which you are trying to fill with these emotions.

And it’s not love. Addiction, emotions, fear … anything, but not love. Love is different, love doesn’t make us feel bad, it makes us feel good and loved and appreciated. But the main point is that you need to fill this hole inside with your own love first. To make yourself full again.

You have a great chance to build your own life now. You can create it from scratch and fill with the people you like seeing, with the things you like doing, hobbies, work, films, walks, sports, books, travel.. there are so many exciting things around you probably stopped noticing while being concentrating on him, not on yourself!

Ask yourself a question. What would make you happy? What dream you’ve had and what did you like to do when you’ve been young? Playing guitar? Having a dog? Or something you would never allow yourself to have while being with him?

It’s all about you now, this chapter is finally about you. Your own life and happiness. Please take responsibility, switch to the drivers seat and make yourself happy, no one else can do it!

xx

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It’s an addiction, same as a drug addiction. Drug addicted people understand that it’s bad for them but can’t stop anyway. Same here.
We are psychologically damaged and can’t stay objective.
We can’t see the difference between good and bad.
This all is the result of abuse and it takes time to recover, but it is possible.
There are always 2 participating – abuser & victim. The dance will end only when the victim will refuse to dance.
It’s very hard, I know, I gave up so many times… And each time, each single time after giving up, I’ve been regretting.
These are all emotions. They are loud but not objective. When we follow them, we regret often.
Try to listen to your intuition. It is quiet and objective. It is the voice of real you which tells you what you really need and what will be the best option for you.

And this is just a moment, this won’t last forever, you just need some time! Life changes, everything changes, and this addiction will become weaker with time (as any other addiction) and one day you won’t remember him at all.

xx

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Hi bringbacktheoldme

Yes sure, we all are different and have the right to have own opinion.

I’ve read enough books about abusers. This is not something you can repair.
They are perfectly aware of what they are doing. They are not even angry, they pretend they are to make the victim feel scared. They control themselves and know what they are doing.

Some counsellors are not educated enough to see the difference. I’ve sent email to mine when I split to my ex with my feedback. The problem is they are never taking someones side and try to stay neutral. Unfortunately domestic abuse is not where you can stay neutral. By staying neutral you leave it for the sides to sort the problems out, and we all know which side will win again via manipulative techniques they use perfectly.

I am not suggesting to go through trains and to be honest didn’t get your comment. I wrote this to show that this is just a MAN. They are many! They can come to your life and go away, but the only person you have to count with – is you. You have to think about yourself first! Your own happiness, your own life! Not sorting out your man’s psychological childhood problems.

There are a few nice books available to read about abusers. There is a theory, that it is pathology in their brain. They are not able to feel empathy. There is nothing what comes from the childhood. It affects their lifestyle though. If the family they grow in is unfortunate, they probably will end up in a prison or will be drug addicted etc. If the family is wealthy, thee likely to be good educated and get a well paid job and build a great career. Up to 7% of top managers are psychopaths. This is statistics.

I know what I am writing about.
And I respect the choice to try for 100th time to repair relationship or him, doesn’t matter.
I just know this won’t work. Sorry to disappoint.

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The real Red Line was when he first shouted at me. I remember this so good even it was many years ago, probably because i was shocked. He seemed nice and calm person, I fell in love with him, he looked so different from my ex.
And then he’s been shouting at me for at least an hour. I’ve been shocked, cried, but he didn’t care. I’ve done something wrong and he’s been punishing me. This is where I had to go away without questioning myself. This is where I had to trust my own feelings.
But I stayed. i thought, I’ll be more accurate next time and will learn from mistakes. I thought I really done something bad, because he is nice and calm and this is me who made him angry. I thought relationship is a work and it’s not always nice. And he was nice and kind again next day… So I stayed.

There have been hundreds of similar situations. And i crossed that line again and again without even noticing how I am breaking my own borders and losing my own personality.

And in the end… There wasn’t another Red Line which made me to quit. I’ve crossed all of them already. I just thought I will die if i stay. I’ve been feeling so bad… I started to read. My first intention (of course) was to read something to learn how to improve our relationship. But the book I bought had opposite effect and opened my eyes. Not opened really, but I started to doubt, maybe there is everything ok with me? And I just started to read about this, about abuse, educated myself. And started my long journey.

So my answer is – don’t wait for the Red Line. You’ve crossed all of them many years ago. You are master in crossing them.
There won’t be any miracle which will make you brave enough to quit. You need to do it yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own life and to make this decision. Be adult. It’s extremely hard, but possible.

xx

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Sorry ladies, I do not agree…

We’ve been trying counselling and the only thing I can say, I’ve spent another (detail removed by moderator) in abusive relationship due to this.
It’s his s**t, not yours!
You don’t have to help him, sort out his problems, and change his behaviour.
The way he behaves – is his choice, whatever reasons he has.
We all have our problems in childhood, mine wasn’t perfect at all, but it doesn’t mean I am abusing anyone!
It’s not your job! Please stop!

I’ve been feeling guilty and thought i haven’t done enough, I understand completely. But now, (detail removed by moderator) after i am free, I understand that it was him who made me feel as the same abuser! I am kind, smiling, happy person without him. I don’t cry, don’t shout at the kids (well, very rarely :)), have lots of friends and people around who love me and adore me!

There is everything fine about you! You are perfect! You just can’t change anyone by your love, whatever you do, they don’t change and you don’t have to spend your life on it!

Just go away. There will be lots of men, they are like trains, missed one – will come the next one. And some of them are really nice, and when you meet that sort of person, you can see the difference so clearly, that you regret you’ve been spending your life on something which wasn’t worth it at all!

This is me now screaming to me then, sorry if sounds rude 🙂

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Hi Soulsearcher18

I understand you.
We are expecting the system to help us – as this is what they promote.
But the reality is that the purpose of the system is different. The purpose in many cases is just to serve the system itself.

I’ve been in the situation which is called “a gap”, where due to my circumstances I couldn’t get ANY help apart from numerous advice of available options (very useful, thanks). Ended up sorting everything out on my own when realised that actually they don’t care.

Now I work in the system. Not abuse related, but very similar area. And now I can see this so clear I am often scared.

They care but only within their job roles.
They think about you, but only within their job roles.
They spend budget money, but they are not thinking about real people with their lives, but only about possible scenarios and action flows.
Some people are amazing and go far from their responsibilities. They are not may though.

The good concept would be not to rely on the system, but just use some tools it offer. You should rely on yourself only. This is the only way to have your life under control and to sort everything out.

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I split to my ex with no job at all and 3 little children.
I thought there is no exit and no solution for me.
I’ve been thinking it’s easier to die.
And he also was so nice often, just a perfect man, which dropped me in doubts so many times… But it’s just a part of his game. And it always will be like this.
I have just started to do small steps. Very small steps, but in the right direction. It took almost two years for me, but i survived.

I’ve read recently about one experiment explaining why so many women got trapped into abusive relationship while it’s so obvious for everyone else that you have to leave immediately.

In short words, if you put a frog into a hot water – it will immediately jump out.
But if you put the same frog into the cold water and heat it up slowly, it will stay there and die.

This is exactly what’s happening with us.
It was nice in the beginning. And it’s getting worse so slow that we are not able to notice the difference.
But there are just 2 options available – jump out or to die.

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Hi Fairylady,

You are so strong by fighting and trying to sort everything out!

It looks complicated when you are in, I remember, I think its all just because we are so kind and responsible women trying to make everyone happy. Everyone, except ourselves, which is a huge mistake.

I am not sure f this is something you are wishing to hear, but you should think about yourself first. You are the most important person in your life, everyone else – just surround you. Please try to do everything only in your own interests, not his or your family. Because from your message I understood you are worried about making them happy more than about yourself being unhappy.

It’s so hard, I know, but it’s possible! Please just try to see your own value first and fulfil your own wishes, and then it will be easier to see where you have to move on.
xx

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Hi Mumofone17,

I feel sorry for you, it’s so hard when instead of getting support from your partner you have to sort out his life!

From my own experience, it is not possible to change someone by all your love, patience and trying hard. Whatever you do, you will always be the reason and he will always find excuses.

You know the answer. You need to think about yourself and your son. Your partner is not our son, he is an adult and has to be responsible for his own life and his family’s happiness. If his is not able to, he’s just a wrong man and it’s impossible to change anything, trust me.

Please think about yourself and your little boy! these are the most important things in your life!
It’s hard, but you need to take responsibility and t make right decisions in the best interests of both of you.

Please stay strong, I’m sure you’ll get lots of support here!

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Hi Dragon,

They are perfect actors and play their roles with just one purpose – not to allow you to quit.
If you are feeling uncomfortable, you have the full right to feel uncomfortable. Same as to talk about your feelings.
His reaction to this just proving whatever he is saying, it’s still part of the game and manipulative techniques he uses.
It will be hard to leave.
It always escalates as if something doesn’t work, they go further and try new ways to hold you tighter.
But there is no other way. It will never be nice, calm and happy with him. Never.

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Thank you so much ladies!

A very important thing I understood.

We are not coming here for advice. We are here because we already know the answer. Otherwise we wouldn’t.
We just need some support and help to move forward.

But the first step is to trust yourself, your feelings, your intuition – which is extremely hard to do in the circumstances we are, with all the fear making the biggest part of our life.

The answer was always there. Since the first time he shouted at me. It’s just about being brave enough to face it.

xx

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