Sunflower1

[Sunflower1]

Can I ask what happened to him once you’d been?

[Sunflower1]

Thank you, I think I am reaching that breaking point, I don’t know what else I can do, being reasonable isn’t helping as nothing is ever good enough. The way he is behaving is so volatile and he will swing from calling me all the names under the sun to asking for a favour or to borrow money. He is taking no responsibility at all, can’t see how his actions were and still are abusive and honestly I think the people around him are agreeing with him. I don’t know what else I can do anymore except go to the police and tell them everything, or leave the home we have built and start somewhere far away with zero contact. I have run out of options other than this because it just doesn’t end.

[Sunflower1]

Wow well done! I still haven’t done this as like you I feel like it would make everything 10 x worse but I think that I will get pushed to this point too as it’s not ok, the continued abuse after leaving, living in fear will not stop until they see we are not going to put up with it. Wishing you all the best for the future and one day I might be as brave as you x

[Sunflower1]

I hear you too, I want to be relaxed and fun, instead I’m still stressed, have anxiety that takes over my whole body and living in fear. I know one day I will get back to myself but it will take time. For now though the kids are living without fear of arguments of abuse and that’s enough. You need to give yourself some time, you are probably still processing everything and just surviving, that’s how I feel anyway, just get through each day. One day at a time. X

[Sunflower1]

Yes you’re completely right, there is no reasoning with them. It gets better for a few days then starts again. I honestly want nothing to do with him but he has to try every way possible to get to me. He’s followed me in the car, punched and kicked my door when I wouldn’t let him in, threatened me, the list is endless. I need to get angry and stop feeling guilty or scared.

[Sunflower1]

So it all got nasty as predicted, he’s broken bail contacting me several times, (incidents removed by Moderator)! The family keep saying I’m not a victim, I have video evidence I have photo evidence I feel like plastering it all over social media and tagging them all #notavictim but I’m trying to stay calm. I know they don’t matter and the people who matter believe me it’s just so frustrating how I’ve been painted.

Anyway I will just keep swimming!

[Sunflower1]

This sounds so familiar to me, it’s so scary leaving and it’s not the starting again with furniture etc that’s worrying me it’s the reaction, the way I think he will use my kids against me, the anger when he finds out we are scared of it. I should have left many years ago, I looked at an old post and it was 5 years ago, why did I not leave then? It hasn’t got any better my kids have just got older and they are more aware. My child is begging me to leave now and I know I have to do it for them, I grew up with abuse, never feeling safe in my own home and I need this cycle to end, I need them to see it’s not ok.

[Sunflower1]

This is what I’m worried about, I don’t want to take the kids away I do want them to see him but I’m not sure I trust him firstly to give them back, not to use them or try and turn them against me or to turn on them if I’m not there. He does shout at them a lot, he goes overboard and tells them off for minor things. I’ll have to get advice about it all though. I was planning to move back to the town we live in as I have to still work I won’t get any benefits due to a share in a property I can’t sell so my only income is from work. It’s going to be hard I know but once I’m out I’ll get advice on moving forward. Thank you everyone this forum is keeping me going x

[Sunflower1]

I’m not out yet I can’t this week but hopefully next week I’ll get my opportunity I’m having to try and act normal this week like nothing happened but really I’m doing my best to plan what I can without dwelling too much or panicking. I’m gathering everything I need together in subtle ways, trying to think of what I need and my friend is helping me, I will write when I am out though. It’s daunting and scary and I’ve no idea how I’m going to manage but I’ve started with nothing before I can do it again and once I’m out I can start to open up to people who I know will help and support me. We can do it! X

[Sunflower1]

This was my first thought, I did argue the point and got a load of abuse and he said some really horrible things about my family but then he started again tonight and I just don’t want to put her through it. I think I should tell her everything though and let her make the decision, she is very capable of standing up for herself but I’m worried too it’s all going to end in a huge argument and I don’t want to have to put the kids through that either. I’m desperately trying to keep the peace until we can get out, it’s hard to bite your tongue though when they try and control you and tell you who you can and can’t see.

[Sunflower1]

I don’t know if it’s the same as where you live but where I am you complete an application online and then are given a banding, you can then bid on houses, I’m sure if you are overcrowded etc you are a higher priority. I’m registered and every week I look and bid, I have had a flat in the past and wasn’t a particularly high priority as was living in a shared house. You may be able to get help with rent privately as well depending on the area most have gone to Universal credit to replace housing benefit. Maybe try Citizens advice?

[Sunflower1]

He’s kicked off again tonight because I didn’t make him tea, I was at work until 6 and then did the children’s bath and bed while he sat on his phone. I went to bed to avoid the argument but he was shouting, slamming doors then telling me he was taking my bank card to order a take away. I am scared as well I’m scared to go downstairs where the bathroom is, I feel sick and shaky and I’m so sick
Of feeling like this. I will phone women’s aid tomorrow for advice, I
Was just wondering though what will happen? If I need to go in to a refuge will it be in my town or do I move? What about my job which people rely on me for, my kids are settled here and I won’t be able to take much with us, I know it can all be replaced but I feel awful for them leaving everything they know. I’m so angry that he’s driven me to this.

[Sunflower1]

I know it’s never going to get better, it’s gone on so long and I’ve tried to help in so many ways, I’ve made excuses for him constantly. I know as well if I spoke to my family they would help me, my sister has witnessed some of the behaviour and said if I ever needed to I can always stay with her but she lives quite far away and I wouldn’t take his children away. I can’t quite find the courage to tell her everything though and totally open up, I don’t want anyone to know my plans to leave but at the same time I don’t think I can get out without help, I don’t want to have to go to a hostel but I will if it is the only way, I think I’m just worried about it, I’d still have to go to work and the kids would have to go to school etc so I don’t think I’d be free of him, I’m worried he would use the kids against me and try and take them.

[Sunflower1]

Thank you, I’ve emailed womens aid as not sure when I’d be able to call them. I should have left a long time ago, I hoped he would to be honest but I can’t see that ever happening. It’s hard because after the event he’s all nice and full of promises and even though I don’t believe it at all I end up feeling guilty then think about the kids and how upset they will be, well my oldest will the other is too young. It’s so hard isn’t it? I keep saying to myself if it happens again I’m going but then I don’t, in some ways it’s easier not to just keep the peace but I know I could be happy and I know I deserve to be. I honestly think if I didn’t have children I would have gone years ago.

[Sunflower1]

Thank you, I am trying to keep telling myself this and honestly the kids and the house is so much mor relaxed. His family keep telling me I’m not a victim, it wasn’t abuse, we weren’t good for each other, couples argue etc etc etc. I feel so much anxiety at the moment, I’m trying to keep a normal routine for the kids, working, school, doing the shopping but I have so much anxiety around returning home and it’s hard. I’m going to speak to my GP, I need someone to talk to really but don’t have anyone I can tell the whole truth to, I don’t know why.

[Sunflower1]

I agree with you too about not telling them, I plan to get out first then tell him I’m not going back. I think he may say that me and the children can have the house we both rent as it is their home but he’s said before he’ll leave and it doesn’t happen. All these things happen and then he just acts like normal, how can you behave like that, hurt someone take our son, threaten, shout, throw things then the next day talk about getting new furniture? I just don’t get it. Glad to hear you are making plans. I honestly don’t know what’s happened to my life, I don’t go anywhere or do anything for just me anymore I’ve lost myself somewhere along the line. Good luck to you and your son. We can do this for us and our children x

[Sunflower1]

I can so relate to your post, my partner is similar and takes our son as a punishment to me, he did it again recently and while I was gathering up evidence looking at old messages I saw a pattern and the first time he did it was 5 years ago, I don’t know why I didn’t leave then I definitely should have as it hasn’t got better it’s got worse really. I am still here planning my exit but I am going. I honestly think there is only one solution for us and that is to leave, people like this don’t change, they’ve crossed a line and there is no going back. I shouldn’t have stayed this long and I have no idea why I did, my advice to anyone would be don’t leave it any longer, get out as soon as you can x

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