terribleheadspace

[terribleheadspace]

Heya

Unsure about your circumstances but I would say get as much support and advice as possible. Also if your kids go to school and are not changing schools maybe let the staff know your circumstances and that (maybe they could not stop him from taking them home I dunno) but at least warn them to contact you if he turns up.
(detail removed by Moderator). Maybe ask the solicitors what sort of injunctions you can get and whether some of those could also apply to protecting the children (if you think it’s necessary).

I do go to a domestic abuse group and it was staggering the statistics of abusers that go on to abuse the children in some form. I dont know why there is such a disconnect with domestic abuse workers and the legal system but be aware of this. That’s no dig at domestic abuse support workers but the legal system. Get as much evidence together as you can if your abuser is not suitable to look after the children. If it were me and you need financial support for the kid/s then I would go straight for CSA after you leave – they then have control, (detail removed by Moderator). Just things to consider.

[terribleheadspace]

Not sure why, just reading what you said about the bedroom and period, just cut deep. I’m so sorry that you are living with this.
It’s so confusing isnt it, the behaviour received doesnt make sense when you know how loving they can be.
It hurts and I’m sorry and I hope that you have support in place.

[terribleheadspace]

For me I think a good indicator of the relationship is asking if my best friend or close loved one had my relationship and wanted advice what would I tell them?- give an honest answer.

Also what does your gut tell you, as I feel the amount of knowledge that you know indicates to me anyway your gut is telling you something or you wouldnt be here with such inner conflict.

I was lucky enough to have a friend that I could talk to and tell them, I needed to be honest with her, but what I didnt need was her to tell me to end it as I was not ready to. I expressed this to her and she listened which was invaluable when this situation can leave you so isolated.

I hope you have support like this.

Have you tried an outreach worker?

What you described is abuse. He is abusive. You are in the right place.

Another trap I got into with ‘good days’ was we would have such a nice day BUT he would insult me in a very subtle way, not respect boundaries and I thought that was a good day…. but hang on that’s not a good day, just because it’s not AS bad, doesnt mean its right and it’s totally not acceptable. So try to remember that on good days…. is the day actually a good day? As for me it wasnt, I just had to watch it more closely to realise. It’s scary also how quickly you can become accustomed to someone treating you a certain way that eventually you forget how any decent human being should treat you… with respect…. A good day with an abuser in my experience still entails abuse, it’s just not as loud.

Maybe ask yourself honestly…. have recent days really been good? Or have they just been less abusive?

Dont kick yourself for having feelings. The situation is so complex. Until I was in it, I had absolutely no idea how messed up this situation could be. How the bond is so strong and for me like fighting against myself constantly. Forgive yourself for feeling conflicted, you have done nothing wrong by feeling emotions… my advice is to keep feeding yourself with information and reaching out for support.

[terribleheadspace]

I just wanted to say…. please remember how hard it was to leave and to get your own space. Please remember the inner conflict with yourself when you were together.

I go to 2 things when I waiver internally, I remember the fear and the abuse.

I cant remember a day in which I havent missed part of him or the relationship recently. It will take me a very long time to grieve it. My feelings for him though were never the issue, it was how he treated me. I think that’s the kicker, it’s why it hurts so bad.

I miss him very much.

I will never go back.

[terribleheadspace]

He would do some nice things, expect me to be thankful, still expect sex even if I could barely breathe, tell me off if things werent clean and if I wasnt in the mood for him telling me off/I’d stick up for myself he’d punish me.

[terribleheadspace]

Hopefully if your new partner is understanding you can get through this together, hopefully he will be patient.
I think as someone who has been cheated on in the past what I learnt is that you cannot stop someone who is going to cheat and it has nothing to do with you as a person but that particular individual. I think we can distinguish between gut instinct and insecurity quite well.
Maybe have a look at the situation and think… is this my anxiety or is it something that noone would be happy with. Or even confide in a friend maybe a trusted one who can help you talk through your feelings, sometimes it just helps to unravel things.
That being said again listen to your gut, it’s going to take a lot of healing and time, is he being patient and respectful? That is the main thing patience I think. Someone who really cares will not push you, remember actions not words thats the main thing.
I wish you well in your new relationship.

[terribleheadspace]

I wont talk about the relationship I am on here for…. but I remember a time when an ex wanted sex, he kept asking and I told him I didnt want it, he kept asking and I eventually gave in but told him I would not be responsive in any way. He was fine with it and did it. Was a horrible experience.

My current situation I wont comment. But I have a lot to process on the sexual side of things.
More than I realised and that’s hard.

[terribleheadspace]

I guess the question is what evidence or actions has he shown that this is the case.
You know I think to myself, how much I miss the guy I was seeing… I wonder if he had specialist help on control and went through with it could we be saved…
Then today after a few days of missing him, I thought of a few things he did which were really wrong that I didnt even have on my radar until now and I thought to myself… how could he do this to me. I would never trust him with my heart and physical safety.
No going back.
I guess those are the questions I would ask myself:
What actions, not words has he shown to prove he has changed?
How has he acted in the past when I have been upset, would he give me the space to slowly in my own time build the relationship, or will he instantly expect me to move on from all previous pain?
Do I trust him with my emotional and physical well being?

I think maybe answer those questions as honestly as you can then listen to your gut.

Not sure how most people deal with new relationships after abuse, does your new partner know about the ex and what you went through? If you are happy with him as a partner maybe confide in him somewhat even if it’s just to say you are struggling a bit mentally at the moment and give him a chance to support and ground you. Or even if you can go out on a nice date, do something physical maybe give your mind a break.

[terribleheadspace]

Hi

I feel your post today. I dont feel lonely but I am missing him deeply today. Trying to understand my feelings.
I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone.

[terribleheadspace]

For me anyway, it was because I loved him. I never wanted anything bad to happen to him.
I still dont.
I didnt want the relationship to be over, I didnt feel safe and that’s what is stopping me going back.
Doesnt mean you dont or didnt have genuine loving feelings towards that person.

I remember crying to a friend one day, and I said that I saw footage about domestic abuse and there was a woman, this woman had been beaten black and blue for hours, and she survived just. She went to the abusers court hearing and she was really strong, looked healthy and was ready to watch his outcome in court. When she came out though she fell to the floor sobbing, considering going back to him and how much she loved him. I remember telling my friend sobbing myself, that I understood this woman. I told her I didnt know how I understood but I do and that was really upsetting for me.

With the end of any relationship comes grief.
Until someone is in this dynamic it’s so hard to understand how complex it is. It’s ok to feel how you are feeling.

The irony of the situation is that he never felt guilt when he was taking control of your money and allocating you the bare minimum to survive. You on the other hand have left because he was abusive and feel guilty for it. It’s not fair.

I think it is going to take a long time for all of us to process the complexities of our relationships.

[terribleheadspace]

Hiya, you may be able to get a marker through a domestic abuse outreach worker also (you should be able to find one quickly on here through the directory). As mine did a risk assessment with me and offered this.
But please do this urgently if you feel you could be in danger, trust your gut and get support as soon as possible.

Also information on police website:

If you’re in danger, call 999 and try to speak to the operator if you can, even by whispering. You may also be asked to cough or tap the keys on your phone to answer questions.

Call 999 from a mobile
If you don’t speak or answer questions, press 55 when prompted and your call will be transferred to the police.

Pressing 55 only works on mobiles and doesn’t allow the police to track your location.

If you don’t press 55 your call will be ended.

Call 999 from a landline
If you don’t speak or answer questions and the operator can only hear background noise, they’ll transfer your call to the police.

If you replace the handset, the landline may remain connected for 45 seconds in case you pick it up again.

Calling 999 from a landline automatically gives the police information about your location.

[terribleheadspace]

I heard that counselling is not always a good indicator of change, maybe look into the freedom program I think couples can do that together, the abuser does the course along side yourself.

If he is willing to so this, a course specifically designed to tackle controlling behaviour maybe that will give you more of an indication, I think the people that run the courses check in with you also to make sure the course is effective.

All I will say is if you do decide to give it a go, listen to your gut, if there is any indication that it is not working then back away and reassess. Remember that even if a relationship goes from, lets say a physical example of slapping someone around to throwing things around the room instead it’s still not acceptable behaviour, it’s still threatening. So try to always remember this. Thinking someone isnt as bad is not the same as the behaviour stopping. It can always escalate again as the root has not been taken out. You know the person has it in them to go short periods of being nice, maybe even longer periods because I think most people would agree that it wasnt that bad at the beginning. I am not saying by any means not to go for it that is your choice, but please just remember it is continuous work that is needed. That abusive behaviour at any level is not acceptable and to listen listen listen to your gut.

[terribleheadspace]

I’m sorry that you are still trying to figure out and understand what happened.
I recommend a book called ‘why does he do that’by Lundy Bancroft it breaks down the mentality of abusive men.
I found myself in a real spin yesterday as someone who was meant to be supportive made me feel like I was a crazy person, I picked the book up and some passages were almost word for word my relationship, it also describes types of different abusers and through reading that I felt really calm, because I thought to myself, it’s not me, I’m not going crazy, this really is abuse.
I originally downloaded the book to believe it or not try to understand him. But I have come away (the last few days at least) knowing I am right, knowing it is abuse. I know abusers choose to abuse. That has given me some inner peace for now.
I hope you find it helpful, I know some have managed to find it online for free.

[terribleheadspace]

I’m sorry that you lost your baby.
That is not your fault.
Holding you by your throat is dangerous, very strong indicator of some possibly very serious outcomes.
Please try to find some support, it sounds like you are in a very serious situation.
Try to think things through like …..How can someone who strangles you be nice? How can someone make your child so frightened that they throw up and deep down be a nice person?
Though let me say I understand. I think the only way to help get out of this situation is to walk it through logically as emotions can always change. What are the facts of your situation?

How can someone love you, if they terrify you- the two cant connect it’s impossible- thats what we find so hard i think, we have two very strong signals given to us at the same time, love and fear…. that’s how we get so confused.

Again I’m so sorry you lost your baby

[terribleheadspace]

Heya
I’m still in my relationship but I get this. I dont understand why I can feel so protected by them? Yet when I reflect on the behaviour truly scared.
I’m going through a nice phase at the moment, the controlling behaviour is still there just very very subtle.
It makes me think like I am going crazy. I dont get how I can feel so connected to someone who treats me this way. Emotionally, physically I’ve never been like this… wanted something to work out so much.
I just want to wave a magic wand and get rid of that behaviour, then I would tell you he is my person.

He makes it so realistic, in the moment I believe him, I want to believe him with all my heart how much he loves me… but with what he has said to me I dont think I should give in to that.

I dont know how he can make me feel so amazing, he makes me feel human, that just as I am I am his person… but then, so many actions prove otherwise, opposites.

I guess I should take notes of actions, not words. It’s very easy to say nice things to someone, but if actions show no respect, control, gaslighting…. that isnt love is it.

Why does he have to do this. Hurts so much.

Speaks volumes to me I guess, that you can still feel that way even after you have left. How do they do this. Why? What do they have to gain? I just dont understand and I guess part of healing will be recognising that we will never understand, because we dont have that mindset.

I think a revelation to me though in regards to feeling protected is that I did see this angry person at the beginning, but with me he was soft, with me he was open, I thought well, he’s angry but towards the outside world, he will fight fiercely for those he cares about… he will be protective but that’s ok… doesnt turn out that way though does it.

Sorry a lot of rambling.

[terribleheadspace]

Maybe you can get confidential advice?
Maybe speak to someone like a local domestic abuse specialist in the morning they may be able to advise you first if you have a legal obligation to tell the ex. I’m guessing you do but maybe due to the reason you split you may have some protection or can put something in place for you and baby.

Maybe you could also ask them if you are allowed to relocate far away before baby is born, that may give you some peace of mind even if he knows about the child. Maybe if you are allowed to keep it confidential until baby is born even it may give you time to set up a safe place and know what safeguards you can put in place for you and baby.

Do you have police involved/ non molestation or restraining order? Maybe that might make a difference?
Just chucking things out there.

Lastly congratulations

[terribleheadspace]

Heya
Struggling with this a bit recently also. I’ve come to the realisation though that I don’t miss him, I miss his mask, the person he would portray himself to be on occasions and the person I had thought my future was going to be with. That was never him, which is why it goes round in cycles they can only pretend for so long. When you think of good times… how good were they? I found that actually my good days were good for the level of abuse BUT abusive and controlling behaviours were still present. To the point of knowing now that if I ever was dating someone who mirrored a ‘good’ day with my abuser I would wave him goodbye straight away. Think we get grounded down so much that eventually for me anyway I would get such a high by being given crumbs that I never realised they were crumbs does that make sense.

I agree with what’s written above it’s helpful to remind yourself that the person who you had a connection with was also the person who abused you they are both the same person. That was a HUGE hurdle for me. Lastly for me I’ve come to realise relationships about control are not love, I certainly felt such a strong connection but to him when I look closely I was an object for him to use, which was fine until I didnt fit his mold (human), then even after that I would get gaslighted and blamed for things I knew absolutely nothing about.
honestly I think be kind to yourself. One thing that’s helped me massively is thinking from the outside….’if my best friend was going through all the things I did what would I say to her’ that keeps me strong, why do we deserve any less than what we would do for others.

[terribleheadspace]

Thank you, sounds like anxiety then, its just strange how it comes on so strong so quickly but I guess it’s just a symptom of experience and learning to manage the feelings when triggered.

I can just be getting on fine then it just hits me out of nowhere, not experienced something like this before. I get the shakes aswell, it’s so bizarre but I can calm myself down in time and with distraction. I will talk to someone about it.

Thanks for your input and sharing.

[terribleheadspace]

I’m not sure if you feel the same way I felt, what I found and couldnt explain to people properly, I was 2 different people, the person in love and the person scared all at the same time. It felt like a constant inner conflict with myself, it’s what made me feel stuck, if fear was ruling through logic, I couldnt leave without a safety plan and the enormity of what that entails, so I was stuck… then enough time passed that my feelings for him got stronger again and then I was excusing his behaviour, still deep down feeling fear and knowing it was not right but just trying to push past it and that made me feel ill also.

I think the hardest part is realising that it’s all from the same person,it’s all the same relationship. Think when you realise you are living with abuse you cannot unsee it. You can pretend its not there but you know it is. So it feels like mess after mess after mess, nothing is clear, nothing is black and white as much as we try to segregate it to cope.

I think that’s where the downward spiral is. Well it was for me.

I came to the realisation that I was waiting to be 100% sure. 100% sure that my feelings were dead and that there was no hope and that I’d waited long enough to see if his behaviour would stop- this is impossible. You can never be 100% sure.

I say this though, my support took me out of the situation and I kicked back against part of that initially. If I had not had it, I think I would still be in the relationship.

I hope you have a better day today

[terribleheadspace]

@nbumblebee please reach out to a crisis centre and local domestic abuse worker- honestly, please try these. You can find a local domestic abuse directory on womensaid website. I found mine through here and so many things I told them and thought to myself, ok shes going to turn me away, shes not going to see why I am concerned and upset… time and time again, she told me what I was telling her fit the mould for abuse and not once did she ever tell me to leave him, she just kept giving me information that explained why I was feeling why I did. She checked in on me, her services were free.

[terribleheadspace]

Thank you 🙂

[terribleheadspace]

Hi WonderFall,

Womens aid online chat. They should be able to help you in regards to seeking domestic abuse help and where to get free legal advice. Hopefully you may be able to get legal aid. I found out also when you flee from domestic abuse I was told if you go into a council of your choice, you would be classed as homeless and they would have to find you emergency housing- think thats for 3 months, double check that with a domestic abuse advisor.

Support is out there, an outreach worker (if you dont have one already) may be a good start for you. I found that mine understood me in a way that noone else did and that in itself made me feel less isolated. When I felt like I was feeling all messed up as my feelings towards him were so conflicted she offered me loads of information, explained to me that what I was describing was typical abusive behaviour etc.

I know that someone mentioned it on here, but you dont have to fight or say no to be raped.
He knew you did not want sex and he did it anyway. Same as if someone is asleep or passed out, they arent giving consent. Same if someone is being coerced into sex and knows there are consequences if they dont give in it is all sexual abuse. It is your body, you have every right to say no to sex and for that to be respected- it doesnt matter how long the relationship has been.

I understand the gut feeling, it is the most important thing.

My gut feeling did the same. I felt so conflicted as I care for him so much… the more knowledge you have the better. Think once I could put a finger on what he was doing and listened to my gut more, I noticed even on days when we seemed to have such a nice time he would say something abusive.

I felt like I had two sides of myself- still do really. Head and heart. I knew my heart was running away with itself,thinking ok well I’ll just wait a little bit, see if the behaviour continues or gets worse. All the while my head was saying, why are you here, get out, something is really wrong, this isnt right. So I took logical steps.

Follow your gut.

Lastly… for me, its coming to terms or the 2 sides of him that he showed, having to accept he was one person… and that person chooses to abuse me. It actually doesnt matter how nice he could be at times… he was still abusing me and it’s wrong. That is the hardest part to crack. Think it’s the part for me that hurts the most, coming to terms that the man I loved chose to hurt, control and manipulate me. I feel anger at myself for not trusting my gut also. I’m told it’s all normal.

I guess I’m metioning the above as I know how the cycles worked in my situation, I felt so sure I was going to leave, started my safety plan and then suddenly he was nicer, my feelings went from almost nothing to me trying to think of every avenue I could to see if I could logically find a reason or small hope to salvage the relationship. All the while part of me being terrified of him. I guess what I am trying to say is… it’s normal to be conflicted and dont be suprised if you start to make steps to support yourself and he starts being really nice it may make you doubt your decision to seek support. Keep taking those steps anyway. If you dont need to pull the trigger on it and leave then great. But if you do have to, you will be prepared.

Anyway, I hope you find some support.

[terribleheadspace]

Yes self validation that is important.
Also listening to your gut feeling and trusting yourself.

I am glad that you have people you are talking to. I guess for you it is two types of grief to process the physical side of him passing away and the end of the relationship?
So much to process with the children as well.

So complex

[terribleheadspace]

Thank you, I have written myself a stern instruction letter for tomorrow, with time frames to do small steps.
Honestly I think the one of the hardest things about this experience is when people who have been abused relate to my feelings. When my support also told me my risk level, I cried.
It’s so hard to face the reality of the situation.
I’m scared to be honest, trying to process not knowing how to also.
Tonight I thought of him and cried, cos I had a wave of missing him.
It’s just again so hard to process everything.

Anyway thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

[terribleheadspace]

Fingers crossed for you.
I also just wanted to say, it is OK to have feelings towards him and to grieve that loss. Think it’s so hard to understand the complexities of those feelings unless you have lived it. Think that’s why forums like this are so good. Actually through my experience now I learned that a close friend suffered long term emotional abuse, I feel awful I couldn’t see it or understand her feelings. I hope one day I can help women like my friend and like us to recognise abuse and support them in some way.
Anyway have a lovely night

[terribleheadspace]

one quote:
‘THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER
This last category is not actually separate from the others;
an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can
also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems,
although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or
addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man’s abuse of
his partner’
The book also mentions things like, if someone can be nice to others and respectful outside of the relationship, or when you are in public, it means they are not incapable of treating you respectfully, they choose not to.
Or an example of violence…. a victim of abuse was upset, she said that she has a way of upsetting her partner, he says he loses control and breaks things… the author asked her… what does he break? Turns out it was always the victims things, never his… just an example of how actually that man didn’t lose control of himself as he never managed to break any of his own possessions…. stuff like that- she acknowledges though every situation is different, her book is not one size fits all, you just take whatever resonates with you.
Anyway will leave it there, if it helps great.
The main thing though I’ve learnt is to trust your gut, if something didnt feel right it very likely wasnt.
I hope you get some clarity and calm

[terribleheadspace]

Ok no problem

[terribleheadspace]

Thank you
I’m just finding it hard to cope, physically isolated from everything.
I went on a walk today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[terribleheadspace]

It is his choice to abuse, it is his choice to look towards another- this is not your fault.
You have not destroyed the family unit, you are trying to protect yourself and those who are vulnerable from abuse.
You are trying to protect.
It is not your fault.
He chooses his behaviour you dont.
He can say what he wants, his actions are his own, his words his own. He is taking no responsibility and trying to make it a you issue.
It’s not.

[terribleheadspace]

Hi Thank you

I read a sample of why does he do that. Where can I find the whole book to read for free?

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