thelightinme

[thelightinme]

Thank you so much HD and FC yes I’m documenting everything everything and really trying to focus… I am clear in my head about next steps but it’s very exhausting the whole thing… I really believe in us though, in our courage… xx

[thelightinme]

Hi ianookkk was your message directed to me or USH?

[thelightinme]

Hi USH. I’ve not written here for a while but I still read posts. I remember telling myself ‘just put one foot in front of the other and walk’. I was so low I dissociated from reality. Couldn’t even feel the warmth of the sun in a hot day. I was frozen. Now I’m not out of the tunnel yet but I carry on walking. I’ve lost people who I thought were friends and lots of material stuff. It’s just my 3 children, my depression and me. But there is a sense of dignity in all this that nothing else can provide. It’s now about finding yourself. I lost myself through emotional abuse. But I want to try a find me again. I send you lots of love and strength

[thelightinme]

Hi Landy.
I’ve felt very similar to you over the years. Nothing felt like it was really mine any more. But, on the other hand, I knew I didn’t want to leave until I was ready, to avoid retracting. I can’t say I felt totally strong enough when I decided to leave with my children, because I was actually shaking and dealing with depression. But I still did it because something clicked inside, there was a point of no return. I couldn’t recognise myself in the mirror.
It sounds like you’re reaching that point. It’s either you or him.
Continue to reach out to others who can help.
I send you lots of strength xx

[thelightinme]

Thank you for your wise advice Kip and diymum@1.
It’s been such a long time since I don’t feel I have control over my life that it feels alien. I think a big part of the problem is that I’ve never been good at setting boundaries, saying no… I’ve always thought of others before myself, wanting to please everyone. But now, it’s very true, it’s like a now or never kind of feeling. Because if the cup of tea over spills I’ll really go down then.
I feel like needing big changes in my life, the way I relate to people, choosing partners… It’s the first time I really want to be on my own, without a man by me, just me and my wonderful 3 children.
The pain is that deep.
How and why did I put up with so much abuse do the extent of forgetting who I really am? Not just form my husband, but other men before him. The counsellor asked me when was the last time I felt really happy. I struggled to answer. In the end I remembered. I was 13, lying on my grandma’s shoulder while she stroke my hair.

[thelightinme]

Thank you so much again for your warm words iwmb. Like you, I used to feel scared of all the ‘logistics’ surrounding the move, from packing to more serious issues like selling the house. In fact, I was shocked when my DV worker from local women’s aid advised me to leave ‘in secret’, without even having sold the house. But then I realised, it was the only way to do it.
What I can tell you so far is that, once you feel the peace I was talking about, everything else is so insignificant. I know a house is probably the most valued possession most of us can ever aspire to have but, in reality, without our health, we have nothing. So we can only start building up again from the ashes of what we once had (or thought we had). And then we can light up a fire again, our own fire. It’s easier said than done, I know. You’ll get there, in your own time. You’re stronger and more knowledgable each day, despite having some down moments, which are quite normal if you think of they way you are living. I and you lots of love and strength ❤️ Xx

[thelightinme]

☺️ ❤️ xx

[thelightinme]

It’s good when we can see ourselves from ‘outside’ the situation, I think it’s a step in the direction of emotionally disattaching from him iwmb. You are doing a lot of work through your emotions. You’re gaining strength! Xxx

[thelightinme]

Thank you iwmwb, diy, Lisa.
I’ve taken your comments on board and contacted police, Women’s Aid and updated my solicitor.
I’ll be applying for an injunction.
My house has a marker.
I’m writing separate e mails for each topic I need to discuss, copying my solicitor and being very firm about my conditions about contact with children and ways of communicating with him from now on. He is still threatening me, using children in a very cruel way to achieve his goals and being a bully in general. He’s going to try everything to stop me achieving peace and freedom.
But I’ll not surrender.
Your voices give me such strength and wisdom xxxxxxx

Something Inside so Strong: (Link removed by Moderator)

[thelightinme]

Thank you diymum@1. The situation is becoming unbearable… (number removed by moderator) incoming calls from him today and messages. Next contact with children is tomorrow. He’s asked to come  for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with the intention to cook meals and see the children open their presents. I replied no but he can access children over Christmas holidays whenever he wants, as long as it is not in my house, always out. My house is my refuge. He’s trying everything to ‘win me over’ in his own words… xx

[thelightinme]

Thank you iwmb and anonymous. Your answers are making me think a lot about the children’s mental health in the long term… xx

[thelightinme]

Thank you so much iwmb, ap, fr and diy.
In really value your advise and sharing of own experiences.
It is awful indeed, the way abusers use the children as weapons against us.
My eldest is close to him but, at the same time, recieves more of the emotional abuse since I decided to back off.
It is still a huge worry for me escalating things and contact stopping with children, even if temporarily… children will be upset for sure. Would this be more damaging to them emotionally than all the rest…
Xxxxxx

[thelightinme]

I’m so glad for you Ssss. I’ve only recently left myself and can empathise with your feelings. Keeping busy is helping me, but I don’t think it’s good to sweep my feeling under the carpet either, so I’m waiting to see a counsellor. Love and strength to you xx

[thelightinme]

Thank you apricotpoppy. I was thinking about the famous remote today ha ha! It seems like regaining power of it means so much to us 😅. Now I understand it represents much more than what it seems. It’s a symbol of the freedom to choose over something without fear of the aftermath. I’ve still not managed to watch a tv program of my own because I’m sharing bedroom with one of my daughters. My mum is with my eldest, baby sleeps fine on his own. We’re trying to give the girls lots of comfort and then extra 1:1 time, they need it so much. It’s going to be a while until the feel the security of going to sleep my themselves I think. But I know one day I’ll go back downstairs to spend some time on my own, enjoying things I stopped doing a long time ago for the sake of avoiding his outbursts. Take care too xx

[thelightinme]

I hope you continue to work towards a place of your own and you can take the step when you’re ready iwmb. Strength and love xx

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