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Oops excuse my grammar in my initial post.

Thanks Twisted sister and Lisa. ❤️

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Hi Moonlit Night,

I think many of us have been through what you are feeling. Trust me, it takes time to break the bond.

Have you tried redirecting your thoughts by listening to music or picking up a new hobby? I tried painting by numbers helped me, which I had never done before. I also find reading about domestic abuse and effects on the victim makes me feel I should hold my ground and not have any form of contact.

It’s a journey we all go through, but you can do it.

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Hi CB,

I doubted myself for a while and if I should take my perpetrator back. Its the control aspect they have over you. It’s not easy to break free and it will take time.

I would definitely say that when I was overwhelmed I often thought more of giving in but then I thought of all the bad memories I had.

It will pass. Stay strong.

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Hi,

I really thought my husband only did this to me. He would pester me until I became annoyed and snapped. Then he would say ‘see I knew you were mad at me.’

Definitely do not fall for that. You have not done anything wrong. I’m sorry he is making you feel like this when you are unwell.

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Hi Lost1234,

He sounds very much like my husband (soon to be ex). It’s very confusing when they say such things and then call us emotional.

Asking if you are abusive means you are not the abuser. I used to feel the same way. They manipulate you into thinking you are the abuser. Has he ever asked such a question? I very much doubt it.

Parts of your life sound very similar to mine, and many other womens on this forum. I have sworn off men for this reason. There don’t seem to be many good ones left in the world.

Like my husband did to me, your husband is breaking you down emotionally and psychologically. I know its hard and like my husband did to me, he is making you doubt yourself, but don’t let him break you. He is gaslighting and manipulating you so that you feel powerless. That way he is able to assert control over you more. The financial abuse is another point I saw in your post. Be careful. Mine started similar and one thing led to another. By the time I realised, my husband cleared thousands. As for the intimate relation, I had the same. Obviously you’re behaviour will change as you being told what you can and can’t do every minute of the day. I’m sure he can find other ways for himself.

If I may suggest, talk to domestic abuse helplines or email them, but only if its safe. I am so glad I did call and email as I have (detail removed by Moderator) years of evidence of me asking for help. I found it difficult to talk to GPs or others. The help lines were my starting point and I knew I was not alone. If you do email domestic abuse helplines, clear that section of browsing history, hide emails (as best as you can) and delete any call history off your phone, if you phone them.

Remember to keep your phone charged at all times and ring 999 if you feel in danger. Please don’t hesitate, like I did, a thousand times in my marriage. Keep a go bag ready (hidden with essentials and important documents).

A few years ago I also opened a separate account and had my cards and statement sent to my relatives address. But only use soneones address you fully trust. If you speak to banks or building societies about the circumstances they will let you have a different address from your current address. I wrote down what I wanted to say to the bank on a piece of paper and handed it to the clerk. They then took me to a quiet office. The money I saved is now coming in useful. I believe HSBC have started something new recently to help victims of domestic abuse to hide their money.

Sorry if I’m scaring you. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I hope I can help others not make the same as me.

Take care of yourself and be safe.

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Hi TakingMeBack, I’m sorry to read about your anxieties.

I am still with my abuser, but I am in the process of trying to leave. I am glad you asked this question as it has crossed my mind many times too.

I hope someone has the answers.

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Hi seaglass,

I sat here here reading your post and just pictured my husband. He told me that I am manipulative and emotionally abusing him! I have had to ring the helpline for support many times. I give up trying to say anything to my husband. Even if he is wrong, he is right. When he twists everything I say, it just drives me insane. I barely bother saying too much now. Yes, the 101 questions make me want to pull my hair out too. Sometimes we just want 5 minutes of peace to think.

Today I finally gathered all my energy, thought of my kids, and phoned family law to book a free consultation. Its taken me years to dial the number. Its a stepping stone. I am hoping the advice next week will give me the strength to take a stand. Maybe you could try the same. Its just solicitor advice for now and it could help you greatly.

Can I just say that you are brave. Just by coming on the forum it shows how much courage and bravery you have. Stay strong. I know its hard but try not to let him break you.

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Hi confused@123,

I have read a number of posts on the forums. I can honestly say that so many stories or situations are very similar. I have been a little quiet recently as I believe my partner is suspicious that I am looking for support again. Your partners behaviour is very similar to mine. I have been like a yoyo for a number of years. Family ties were the first part he made me cut off, as he didn’t like them. Then he didn’t like my friends. So I cut ties with them. If you have any school mums that are becoming your friends, he may even start to dislike them.

Like your partner, mine is loved by everyone. He is helpful, calm and polite. A complete opposite of what he is like with me. I have been thinking of having my wages paid into a separate account and only putting half into the joint account for bills etc. However, at this time I think it could mean more trouble for me. My partner has a separate account with quite a large sum saved. He was boasting about it a few weeks ago. I had not even realised he had another account until now.

I often feel as if some of my life story is not as bad as others, but abuse comes in many forms. I am sure many of us can relate to any situation you post. I judge my own thoughts and feelings a lot too. If you are able to call any domestic abuse helpline then please do. Just remember to delete the call log after. Just to be safe. Hearing a supportive voice on the other side can really help and they can talk to you about the options that could help you.

Take care.

P.S. if I do not respond to your reply then please do not be upset. I’m not able to get much safe time online these days, but I will be thinking of you and I will check back when I can.

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Hi,

Your husband sounds a little how mine was before the abuse got worse. I know you were not looking for anyone to reply, but I wanted you to know that it is not you. I often think the same questions and it drives me insane. Is it me? Am I imagining it? Am I abusing him? Someone told me something very useful…’abusers do not question if they are the abuser only the victims do.’ I am slowly learning that it is a form of manipulation.

I am guessing that just like my husband your husband is adored by family and close friends?
I’m still with my husband and I have noticed he becomes nicer if he suspects I am talking to anyone. Could your husband have access to your amazon account to see the books you have purchased? My husband has all our devices linked, except my phone. Even then, my phone has no history saved and I have a code lock on my phone. He monitors everything else constantly, such as websites, social media, car mileage, cctv etc

I am also careful about how much personal info I put on this forum. My husband found out I was trying to get help a few years back. Initially he was extra kind, but after a month it was not pleasant to be around him. It does make it harder to explain everything to members on here, but it ensures my safety.

I know it is difficult, just be safe. xx

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Thanks again KIP. You are amazing.

Hi Beautifulday,
You sounded so happy taking the steps that you have, it actually gave me confidence. I always make small plans in my head. I even opened a secret account to save but it has been really hard. Every penny us monitored. I do not tend to go out much as according to my husband, people stare at me because of the way I look.

I own majority of the home but it is in joint names. I actually don’t want the house. Too many bad memories. I called some numbers today as I had 2 hours alone. I think I broke down. Without putting the pets in foster care I cannot be offered refuge, which I did know about but I thought I would still ask. One of my oldest pets has a longterm illness. I refuse to let him die without me. So, the helpline said they cannot move me.

Deep down I knew this may happen. The helpline provide support in other ways but at the moment I believe I am stuck in my current situation unless my brain can think of another Solution that would work.

I have definitely taken a mental note of all the advice everyone is giving. xx

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Hi gettingtired,

I thought i would just look for how people have accomplished freedom and came across your post. I am so very sorry to read about the circumstances you are in. But from reading your comment on my post earlier, it sounds as though you are taking all the right steps. As I mentioned, I need that courage.

I hope you are safe. xx

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Thank you so much for the extra advice KIP. I will definitely start to keep a diary. At the moment my mind is everywhere and I cannot seem to focus. One minute I think, ‘that person done it and survived so I can do it.’ 5 minutes later I think about the impact on the kids and pets. Then the 101 questions start…

Would I be too scared to work incase he finds me?
Will I be financially secure?
Can I support myself mentally?
Will I be lonely?
How do I make new friends?
Should I press charges against my husband?
Am I capable of ruining his career?
What if I’m wrong about him?

Or the thoughts such as…

If I gain my freedom other people will think I am weird because I dont like talking too much.

So many mixed thoughts.

Thanks again for all the advice. xx

Hi Gettingtired, I am so sorry to hear that you are in similar circumstances as me. I have read some research on animal abuse and human abuse. Its all interlinked. But, I was still shocked when I read your reply regarding your partner threatening
your dog! I fail to understand how humans hurt eachother. My mind completely boggles when humans hurt or threaten animals. Oh that really upsets me and I can only imagine how you must feel. I wish I had the words to comfort you. Atleast you should be proud of yourself for looking into care for your dog. That is a huge step. I wish I had your courage. I completely understand what you meant about it being easier without pets. I feel the same and like you, I love them dearly.

I have not really done much calling around this time. Its been a little difficult. I have 2 elderly pets and others. One of the older one’s has a long term illness. One of my fears would be that they would die without me being there for them. I wish I could explain it better, but I was advised by the chat line to be careful about how much I revealed on the forum as my husband has already caught me once. I think he already notice that I have been behaving differently. I can tell as he starts talking to me more. As KIP said ‘baby steps.’ I will be extra vigilant this time.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciated it. xx

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Hi KIP,

Thank you for the warm welcome and advice. I almost cried reading your reply. I don’t believe anyone has spoken to me that way for many years. I was happy to read that you escaped your abuser. Bravo!

Sorry, I could not post everything I wanted to say as I have a feeling some forums are monitored by my husband. A few years ago, when my husband realised I had reached out for help, he became more paranoid. Unfortunately, I was not offered refuge unless I abandoned my pets. As for my GP, I cannot say too much without putting myself at risk of being exposed. It is similar with the police who I have lost faith in. To put it blatantly, I would would rather die than ask the police for their assistance. They have let me down a number of times.

I am not sure what the future holds for me. I can only hope it is good. xx

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Thank you. I believe you are right.

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Thank you Ocean, I PM’d you

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Thank you Marmalade. Yes I have a DA worker. I wish I could say what happened but I don’t want to scare people with my depressing life. But I do appreciate everyone’s understanding and support on this forum.

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Thank you. Unfortunately things turned very bad. But I am safe now.

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Thank you. I did and all they said was (detail removed by Moderator). Not very helpful tbh

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Yes I contacted a local domestic abuse service. If I’m honest the help seems good at times but I feel the advisor is helpless at times because of how I am feeling.
I have been given a slot for a program starting in January but I fear it may be too far.

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Hi gettingtired,

Thank you so much for your comment it was very kind of you. I’m so sorry you are in a bad place too. I keep hoping that everyone finds their good place soon. xx

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