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It’s definitely not in your head, please don’t doubt yourself. Trust your gut. Your gut led you to this forum for a reason. The “lovely” phase that he’s in at the moment, I’m sorry to say, is typical of the cycle of abuse (google has lots of examples) – it tends to be tension, incident, reconciliation then calm. I found myself focusing on the calm and trying to down play or minimise the rest, however it’s when you take a big step back and plot it out that you can see the cycle. It’s the most horrendous realisation when you discover that your partner is abusive – I remember sitting watching the news report about increases in domestic abuse and saying to my ex “those poor women”, failing to acknowledge that I was one of them. I think you’re doing brilliantly to manage everything and your strength shines though ! With the children to think of as well as yourself, definitely reach out to the support available, even just to talk through and know your options. He knows what he’s doing, he has a choice how to behave – as you said in your earlier post (which was exact same as my ex) he’s charming in public – they have the ability to turn it on and off when suits them . Trust your gut, you’re doing the right thing xx

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Hi Cheesewotsits (great name! They’re my favourite)

Welcome to the forum and well done for sharing – it takes so much courage posting for first time. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, it must be so stressful, especially with the children to consider. I’m sorry to say, that your partner is definitely using abusive behaviours and it’s not acceptable at all. Everything you’ve written are examples of abuse – from the stonewalling that no doubt gets you on eggshells, the gaslighting where you question yourself and what you’ve done (the answer is that you did nothing wrong), the “random” outbursts of rage and really worryingly, the lack of consent. It helps to read up on abuse – I found “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft really good. I was in same situation as you where I questioned whether it was abuse because I found myself explaining or excusing his behaviour- work stress, family stress etc. however, that was because he was manipulating me – they have this way of creating a FOG around us (fear, obligation, guilt). You’re doing the right thing to reach out and follow your gut. I’d suggest phoning your local women’s aid who will advise you .good luck and keep posting xx

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Hi Mellow

I can relate, although in my case the child wasn’t mine. My gut told me something wasn’t right even though I didn’t have strong evidence. One night he was reading to the child in her room and he came out of the child’s room with his trouser zip undone – I asked him why and he said he was showing her the new pants that she’d bought him for his birthday. This just didn’t feel right and I felt a heavy feeling in my stomach. On another occasion I caught him using the toilet when the girl was in the bath (there were two bathrooms so no reason why he couldn’t use the other) . In the end, after I left the relationship, I reported him because my gut told me something wasn’t right , it was just this horrible feeling that something wasn’t right . So I’d say, trust your gut x

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I just watched it – tears rolling down my face. Definitely recommend people watch (but heavy trigger warning). Those poor woman – the strength they’ve shown is mind blowing. It’s really got beneath my skin hearing about how the abusers featured in the programme had the exact same behaviours as my abusive ex – it’s like they’re all going to the same school or reading the same books. I just don’t understand how they think this behaviour is acceptable x

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Trust your gut. That feeling deep inside that doesn’t go away, the niggling feeling and heaviness in your heart that something isn’t right and that this isn’t happiness. Think of the times before him when you felt safe, think of what you want your future to be like, think of what you’d advise a dear friend if she were in your shoes. Be your own best friend. Xx

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Hi, my heart feels so heavy reading your post . As the other ladies have said , this is clearly abuse. As an outsider, reading what you’re experiencing, it’s so difficult because you deserve so much more than this. He’s using horrible, nasty language and the most manipulative of behaviours. As hard as it is to take on board, it’s important to remember that he knows what he’s doing . He has a choice. It’s his choice to treat you like this. I’ve lived through the suicide threats and I’m proof that a better life is out there . There are so many charities like Samaritans that he can reach out to if he needs. Move at your own pace but please remember you’re worth so much more than how he’s treating you . You’re doing the right thing – keep posting and Learning x

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You’re not a failure, far from it – it takes so much strength to even go to the surgery. Please don’t be hard on yourself, it’s really not fair on you. I remember when I first went to my GP with loads of stress symptoms (IBS, heartburn, headaches etc) and she asked me if something was causing me stress and I just looked at her, heart racing, I wanted to tell her everything but I wasn’t ready. It was about 5 months later when I finally managed to tell the GP but I remember my heart thumping so heavily even just making the appointment. I just wanted to share so that you know it’s not easy, it takes time, don’t put extra pressure on yourself just move at a pace your comfortable with x

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Hi Everhopeful 321,

I can relate to this – the thought of his anger and what he’d do completely paralysed me. I didn’t take any action because of fear and unfortunately I ended up being physically assaulted by him. It was then I realised I needed to go. If you love someone- you don’t scare them, frighten them, control them, upset them etc. It sounds like it would help for you to speak to your local woman’s aid to get advice about planning a safe exit so that if you choose this route, you can do so safely . I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult after leaving but I can honestly say it’s so worth it . To be free, safe etc and to not be living in fear and feeling guilty is honestly so worth it. It’s a cliche but it’s true – time really does help. There’s so much support out there – you’re not alone. Your gut will keep you right x

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Hi Everhopeful321,

That’s a huge step that you’ve taken by opening up to the GP – this takes so much courage, I know how difficult this must have been. You should feel so proud of yourself.

Reading as an outsider, it sounds like you’re putting your partners needs and happiness before your own, when he doesn’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and live a life where you’re free. Threatening suicide can be a tactic that abusers use to make us feel guilty and obliged to stay. My abusive ex did this and I really struggled- I was consumed with guilt. Until I realised that it’s not fair of him to do this, there are support groups out there like Samaritans who can help if he’s genuinely feeling that way. (I finally left him and nearly two years later he’s still alive and on another new relationship).

I would keep talking and sharing when you feel comfortable, and most of all I’d say trust your gut. You deserve to be happy . Well done again for opening up xx

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Hi Mellow

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this – it’s exasperating and so confusing when the lie like this. I found that my ex lied a lot – over big and small things. It was like he was trying to tangle me up in a web of deceit. I think these men are totally incapable of taking responsibility and being honest, they’re also totally driven by control so want things to be as they say (whether true or not). Either way, it’s awful being around them and it can make us really doubt ourselves.

Trust your gut
❤️

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Hi Iliketea

Reading your post made my heart feel so sad – I see all the wonderful support and guidance you’ve given on this forum and to see how heavy a weight you have on your shoulders is really tough to read. I know it’s of little comfort, but after all you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’re finding things difficult. You’ve been through so much and on top of that, to be unwell , will just leave you with less energy . But despite all of that, you’re still standing strong and fighting every day for what’s best for you and your children. It’s incredibly difficult what you’re up against but how you’re dealing with it is so inspiring and impressive. The strength you’ve shown is incredible. It’s a time to be really kind to yourself and just take one day at a time. And if that’s too much, one hour at a time. Try not to look too far ahead and focus on getting well. No feeling or situation is permanent-keep the faith that it will pass.

Sending you a hug x

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Hi, I completely understand this, I’ve been through this. It’s very confusing but the other ladies are right, he brought all this on himself. He had a choice how to behave, he chose to be abusive. That is something he should be punished for .

I went through the court process and he was found guilty – it’s a very difficult process to go through but it really is the right thing to do . Stay strong and remember you didn’t deserve to be treated that way and neither does any other who comes along after x

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Hi Pink Jacket

The guilt is totally normal – I really struggled with this. I think it’s because we’ve been living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) – often the relationship is based on manipulation of our emotions.

Stay strong and follow your gut. It was incredibly difficult but I managed to move past the guilt and stay away from him. He moved to a new relationship quickly, it lasted a year and in the end she left because he abused her too. These men don’t change.

You’re doing the right thing. Things do get easier, I am proof of that . X

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Hi, I know this feeling so well and it’s horrible. We torture ourselves going over and over, kicking ourselves for not taking action sooner. The thing is – whilst we can’t change the past, we can change the future. Don’t allow him to steal anymore precious time from you. I know it’s incredibly difficult, but it’s so important that you look after yourself and put yourself first and look forward (not back). These men are master manipulators, they weave a web or deceit . I hope you’re ok ❤️

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Hi Tiredofitall,

I think I’m one of the “lucky” ones who had a really good experience with the police. I got two female officers, both very patient and understanding. They didn’t rush me and guided me through the statement and next steps. It’s taken a few months and it’s been stressful but I just heard that it’s going to court and I have a date to attend. I’m hesitant to give you too much advice as our circumstances are different- I was separated from my ex whereas I see you’re living together. It’s a tough thing to do but when I spoke to the police I felt relief. I really hope you do too and I hope they give the support you need x

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Hi Merlin22,

I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you . As if the abuse wasn’t bad enough, they use the children to control you after you leave. I wish I could help with advice but I don’t have kids, I just wanted to show you some support and hope one of the other ladies can provide advice. I really hope things improve for you x

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I love your memo – so powerful! Thanks for sharing ❤️

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Hi Mellow,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through – I wish I had advice that could help you. It’s so difficult but you’re doing really well and being incredibly strong. I found my abuser did very similar stuff – I often heard him flirting with women on the phone or through work. He would be charming then come off the phone and be horrible to me – like a switch – turned on and off when it suited him. Sadly these men know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. You’re not crazy at all – so many of us on here can relate to what you’re going through.It takes time but things do get better in time. Keep posting and I hope things get better soon . Sending a hug x

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Hi Veryconfused,

It sounds like I was in a really similar situation. I had been separated a while, no contact, re-building my life etc. however, I discovered through the grapevine that he went on to abuse the woman after me. Apparently one particularly bad episode was witnessed by her small child and left her terrified. This woman left him and reported him to the police. He’s now got another woman who clearly is at significant risk. It was this combination of circumstances that made me feel I should report him to the police even after the time that had passed. I gave my statement a couple of weeks ago and felt immediate relief. The officers were incredibly supportive- didn’t rush me and I felt they believed me. Enquiries are on-going…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find this process stressful, because I do. It’s very stressful but it’s a different kind of stress – my gut is saying it’s the right thing. Id obviously rather have nothing more to do and get on with building my life back but I’ve struggled with guilt knowing he abused the woman after me (what if I’d reported sooner) and my heart feels very heavy when I think of this new woman. Ultimately, he needs stopped . Men like this need stopped. And I believe the best way is through the police. Good luck with everything x

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I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this situation. It’s such a mystery trying to figure out some people and why they do certain things. This woman sounds like she’s deliberately causing trouble – how difficult would it be to cut her off?

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Sending you a hug ❤️ This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. The other ladies have already suggested professional support so I’m afraid I don’t have any other advice. I just wanted to reach out and show you some support. Keep posting and let us know how you are xx

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Hi Okay

Well done for reporting him to the police – it’s incredibly difficult to do and you’re clearly very brave and strong. The police should be updating you throughout the process . Did they give you any contact details to phone?

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Yup, I’m in this club, sadly. First one was over a decade ago – the stress of it caused my hair to fall out, ribs sticking out through stress weight loss etc. it took me about 4 or 5 years to come to terms with what happened. Then fast forward a few years and there I was getting into a new relationship with my “dream man” thinking how lucky I was to have such a good guy . I told him about my past abusive relationship and he said he’d never treat me like that…..I’m free now and caught in a cycle of being very lonely but feeling like I cant trust a man again… I think I need to do some work on why I’m attracted to that sort of person

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You’ve described how it was for me too – if I’m totally honest, without the stress and drama, life can feel a bit “empty” but the most important thing to remember is that we’re safe . That stress that we were used to was so unhealthy and damaging and not sustainable, I think that’s why we’re so tired. It does get better though, just takes time

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Hi Stuck in the mud,

I can relate to this very much ! I left just over a year ago but I feel utterly exhausted. I just thought to myself that I’d like to press “pause” for about six months to charge my batteries! I think this feeling is so natural though – we were living in fight or flight mode for so long and had every ounce of energy sucked out of us. One day at a time, step by step, I think we’ll get our energy back. The important thing is to be kind and patient with yourself – allow yourself time to recover . ❤️

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Hi Mellow

This is such great news – I bet it feels a huge relief? Be very kind to yourself now ❤️

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You’re very welcome! I did escape – I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Leaving was without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never felt such gut wrenching turmoil, such despair, such depression and hopelessness (and confusion, anger etc) but I can confidently say that it was SO worth it and a million times the right thing to do .it gets better every day and the support out there is amazing – women’s aid were brilliant and this forum was a life saver. The life I have now is a so much better and I’m so much happier. Life isn’t perfect but honestly the difference is amazing. I sleep better, I feel confident in my own mind, I feel stable and safe and free . Since leaving I’ve gone on to (slowly) build back up a social network, buy a new home, get promoted at work and lose weight/get healthy. My ex moved on to a new partner quickly and abused her too. They don’t change. I ended up going through the court process and he was found guilty. No doubt he still hasn’t changed. Honestly, a much better life is possible and is something you deserve xx

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Thank you Gettingtired 💕

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I’m glad the post has helped ❤️ One of the officers actually opened up and said she’d been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past. Whilst this may be the minority, the training they’d both had in domestic abuse was obvious and I hope this is the case on a far wider scale . It took nearly 3 hours giving my statement- I’m still utterly wiped and no idea how I’ll get into the headspace for work tomorrow but one step at a time. The main thing is never forgetting that you don’t deserve to be treated the way he did and he should be held accountable- the more the FOG clears, the more and more obvious it becomes that they have a choice and when that is realised, for me, it was near impossible to shift. I needed time to be strong enough to report. I thought they’d ask my why it took so long but they didn’t, they just told me I’d done the right thing. I sincerely hope you and others have a similar experience. ❤️

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Thank you very much, Mellow! This means the world ❤️

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