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I have drafted a letter using phrases from a book I’ve read. I will send it by email at about the time he expects me to be available at the end of the day. All is in place now

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It’s always when we go to bed. He probably hasn’t been near me for most of the day apart from a kiss goodbye in the morning but when we go to bed, he starts kissing me. Won’t give up and even when I just snuggle into him, he carries on eventually full on kissing me, tongues and all while rubbing my leg or back. If I don’t give in, he will turn over or turn away and start huffing or sighing and saying he won’t sleep now.

I do start sex occasionally and I enjoy sex but not every blinking night!!

This happened last night and he apparently only slept for 20 mins. He spent and hour and a half sitting outside in the car!! Add to that the fact that I am “breathing deeply and making noises” for which he tells me to shut up, and it’s a recipe for disaster the following day.

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I’ve seen my outreach worker twice now. It’s gone well. We’ve worked on the power and control circle, which was very enlightening. He keeps me in line by trying to control what I do, say or feel and if I step out of line there is the threat of physical or emotional violence. I had another meeting booked for a couple of weeks time.

He has been in a foul mood since I was at work last week and had to work with other people for two days. We’re still living in a hotel cos we can’t get a house because of his credit. Been there a month now and it’s a strain.

Friday night we went to get food late at night. There were some people spilled out into the road outside a nightclub. The bouncer was trying to move them and they didn’t move quickly enough for him so he knocked into one of them with his car wing mirror and shouted at them out of the window. He could have gone round them but decided not to. I was mortified and it has been preying on my mind ever since. Sorry, gone off track!

Anyway, I contacted my support worker during Friday and told her that I wanted out of the relationship and they have fitted me in early next week. The event on Friday night has convinced me even more.

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Yep. And I can’t go to bed before him. And he doesn’t go to bed early! Although it has got slightly earlier. Used to be 3-3.30am now it’s 1.30-2 😬

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DA outreach worker is a domestic abuse worker from the local service. I’m looking forward to the meeting but also terrified of opening a can of worms

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It’s not right. That’s the sort of response I get from him. He says I’m naive because I don’t think my home town is bad. I have lived here long enough to understand it. He is from a large city and distrusts anyone and everyone. He gets really annoyed if I try to say I think any different.

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So still haven’t got anywhere to live. Have to be out of the house in less than 2 weeks. We did have a house set up but he has a (detail removed by moderator) which the landlady found out about and pulled out of the rental just a couple of days ago. Nothing signed so she can. That leaves us up s**t creek without a paddle. Times with him have been good and rubbish. Since he was told he had failed credit referencing and the house had been canned, he’s been as miserable as sin. Suddenly has developed aches and pains, which he develops when he’s miserable or in a mood. And I’m supposed to run about after him “showing concern”. I’m all out of concern. I am probably less sympathetic because of the job I do. When he feels “poorly” he starts talking quietly then complains when I can’t hear him, he sat in a lay-by for 2 hours earlier because he apparently couldn’t move then sat in our garage for 2 hours cos he couldn’t walk up the stairs. I was expected to sit with him. He didn’t say it directly but he uses words like “I suppose I’ll sit here in my own in the dark then” and do you think I like sitting here on my own”.

Anyway, I’m digressing but it’s good to get it off my chest a bit.

The upshot is that we have nowhere to live very soon and he is showing no interest in finding anywhere else. I haven’t been allocated a support worker yet and I cannot just up and leave. Some of our stuff is in storage and some of it is in the house still. We’ve got to pack up the house yet!!

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He ended up being off work for a few days last week as “he couldn’t cope” and had an “emotional breakdown”. He’s now promising me the earth and that he will change. Apparently he’s now seen how things that he’s done have hurt me and they’ve not been right, etc. He’s said he wants to change, that he will change if I give him a chance. He still refuses to talk to anyone. He refuses to take medication for depression and has looked at websites for natural depression remedies and anger management. I have acknowledged that his anger has been getting less but he’s still as miserable as sin which makes talking to him very, very difficult.

I’ve spoken with my local DA and I am waiting for an outreach worker to contact me which could take a couple of weeks. They have classified me as high medium risk. I have sent my social housing application in and waiting for that to be approved.

I am in limbo and still have to worry about my daughter as well!! The council could house her but it could be 40 miles from home town which is no good for her job or her child who is in their last month or so of primary school.

Arghhhhh

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Hi again,

I’ve finally managed to get thru to the local service and spoken to a lovely lady. Follow up telephone appointment this week.

However, it’s all gone t*ts up. One of my children asked if they could move in with me for a short time as they are going to be homeless next month. I don’t have a problem with this but I asked him about it. Initially he was fine but then of course the conversation came round to what are we going to do. He directly asked if we were going to look for somewhere else to live. I told him that I love him but I can’t live with him. He took himself off in his car for a while. Then started the guilt tripping – I might as well be dead, you’ve killed me, I might as well just hand my notice in, I love you, we can make this work. Moving between angry voice and “loving” voice. I have told him outright that it’s over but he still keeps on. I did go to bed with him last night, trying to keep the peace. He cuddled up to me, he even got on top of me at one point but then apologised as he “didn’t realise that could be intimidating”. He has made an effort and there are less angry outbursts but the control is still there. Even last night he said he was “old fashioned” and did not believe that couples should ever do anything apart! My grand parents were old fashioned and had separate interests!!

He’s gone to a work meeting this morning about his DBS and the caution on it, that’s what he’s been told anyway. He’s said he might as well hand his notice in while he’s there. I suggested that he could get somewhere to live closer to his work patch (he often travels 1-1.5 hours to get to a call) but he won’t consider it.

Why do I feel so s**t 😥😥

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He sounds exactly like my partner. My social circle has gradually been eroded to nothing. I cannot go out on my own to meet anyone easily. The only people I have seen on my own have been my children and even then he makes a fuss.

I have to speak to him constantly during my working day and at him know where I’m going and what I’m doing. It’s suffocating. I cannot go anywhere after work. I have to be on the phone to him when he’s driving home from work no matter how long that journey is, 30 mins or 2 hours. We have nothing to talk about in that time!!

I feel resentful all the time. He is miserable most of the time because of his job but cannot/will not do anything about it (he has a caution on his record for an assault on his former partner)

It’s killing me.

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I am only just catching up with everything. I am soooo pleased for you! What an exciting but also scary time.

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Sorry. It’s a bit rambly

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She calls herself a ‘relationship coach and mentor’ not actually a counsellor. She ‘assists women with relationship issues that seem impossible to resolve. Don’t care what’s she’s called – £4,500 not to recognise an abusive relationship is criminal in itself in my opinion.

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Hi IWMB, he is driving a company car and I am driving his personal car. It is a pile of poo currently and it broke down yesterday!! Luckily I have a day off today and he is fixing it tonight. I need a car for my job. I could use my pushbike as a last resort but that is buried in the garage!

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This sounds just like my partner. He will be miserable as heck for a few days, be quite rude, sarcastic or nasty towards me, not come home but then expects me to ask him to come home, expects me to give him a cuddle, etc. He has said that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before but still treats me like this. He doesn’t understand that I cannot just behave as if everything is normal and that he has never done anything to hurt me.

On the other hand, I feel guilty when we are having good time that I am thinking of just jacking it all in. I cannot fully relax, that’s the problem. I am constantly thinking of what he would think to whatever I am doing.

I sat and read the posts on this thread earlier and just cried in the park 😢 It’s just all so true and so close to home that it just hit me. My mum keeps asking when I’m going to leave. My sister keeps asking it. My children ask it. But they don’t seem to understand that it’s not that eas, even though my mum went through DA with her second husband.

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