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what you wrote rings so true xx

[abcxyz]

Very true …. I need to stop trying to be nice (altho he thinks I am being horrid) and stop updating him etc. with a pic of the kids’ cakes, or a picture they drew. It’s playing to him.

He is properly moving out and taking my son’s (detail removed by moderator)  (so that my son “has some things from home”!?!?!?) and the (detail removed by moderator). Nice move. He is taking other things too obviously but these little ones have annoyed me the most. Stop your kids watching TV at xmas – how horrible. I will be getting bolts on the doors as soon as I can.

A friend has pointed out that this is a pivotal point – down from the elation of leaving and now reality kicks in. When I think of it like that it’s a bit easier. I just don’t like being made to feel that I am making it up – why the heck does he think I left? … he seems to have literally no idea!

Tomorrow is another day, so onwards and upwards. Feel better for having a good cry and getting it all out.

Thank you for listening xxx

[abcxyz]

thank you all – much appreciated xx

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thank you Serenity … wise words as always xx

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I had the same problem – I just couldn’t find the right words. But then I figured something out that encapsulated it. I said that “I have sore heart from some of the things that daddy has said and done”. I pointed out that daddy has his point of view, and that is ok, but that I have a different one and that some of the things he has said and done (Which they are well aware of, having heard them) have made my heart sore. It didn’t make it any easier to say, but it summed up perfectly how I felt – and still feel. I don’t hate him, I don’t not love him (tho am not in love with him) but my heart is too sore to ever be in a relationship with him. Mine are (age removed by moderator)

Hope that helps xxx

[abcxyz]

I am inclined to agree with you. I feel that his keenness to avoid the solicitors is because a) he hates spending money (which I get as they are super expensive!) but b)he can try and bully me if there is no solicitor involved.

On the phone earlier (After speaking to the kids) he was (detail removed by Moderator) (er no … I never ever said that)

What a blinkin rollercoaster! xx

[abcxyz]

It is the only way. Be strong, you have done the hardest bit. xx

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Oh no @eeyore.. he said the actual road!!! .. and we are way away from where we live. Had another day today of remembering why I left .. I made an email suggestion for seeing the children over the next few weeks / over xmas and he came back with the most far fetched suggestion ever and says he wants 50/50 custody …. having never cooked, cleaned, washed, wiped a bottom more than once in his entire life. My solicitor managed to make me feel better, but I am so cross – and so annoyed that he thinks he can continue to bully me .. and he even put something like (detail removed by Moderator)… do children also benefit from being told to F off every time they shout too loudly!??!…. ooh so cross! I have sent a curt reply back, he has since sent another which I am ignoring til next week. Grrrrrrr 🙁

[abcxyz]

Totally agree with you. It’s everything you say, combined with what we’ve been used to. That has been the norm for so long, that it feels strange for it not to be anymore. I have such a sense of freedom but have his voice inside saying “that’s a waste of money” or “ooh is it your birthday?” or “you’re too soft on him” etc. etc. … I have heard those words so many times that I feel his control over me still – but only now I just do it anyway (and feel a bit bad!!!) … it is very confusing .. I think once you can see them for what they are, the confusion turns a little to pity, and a little towards gratitude that you’re not part of it all anymore. x

[abcxyz]

You’ve come to the right place. Keep posting, and the ladies on here give great advice – a fresh perspective on your situation. I have recently left – I too loved my husband and probably do still love him BUT I am not in love with him, and constantly have to remind myself of the blaming, the name calling and all the other destructive behaviours. Like you, no violence, but enough for me to feel that something wasn’t right – and that is enough. Be strong and keep posting x

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You’re in the very best place … everyone on here is lovely and so supportive xx

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it’s thanks to everyone on here that I can spot the tricks and not let it get me terrified as I would have been. I owe a huge amount of gratitude to everyone on here x

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Oh … one more thing. Act the best acting you have ever done. Be the version of you that he wants you to be in those last few days. Even if you really really don’t want to be. Get his drinks, scratch his back … you know that you’ll be out soon, so just do your best acting while knowing that you’ll soon be gone xx

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You are where I was at .. totally. I planned like crazy. Did everything you are meant to do – saw the GP, spoke to Womens’ Aid, bought a spare mobile phone, told the schools, rented a holiday let, and left the divorce papers with a short note – nothing inflammatory – just along the lines of “I wish you all the best, but I can’t be that person anymore”. Oh … and saw a counsellor a few times, and continue to see her, to get my head in the right place and let go of the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc. And made sure I had everything written down in case it all went wrong (every single time that he had done or said something – so useful for when you feel like maybe you did the wrong thing).

I set a date in my head, had to delay it by a couple of days, then I went. He still can’t understand why I left like that, and his solicitor has told him that I did it all wrong and should have discussed it. Clearly she has no idea about domestic abuse. Set a date, plan for that, and just go.

Make sure you give yourself time to gather all the paperwork you need – anything that might be important. Read everything you can. Buy any bits of uniform or other clothes you son might need in the months ahead (coat, shoes etc). But go. And you will be so pleased you did.

I spent the first week terrified of him turning up, but he didn’t and school have been brilliant. I feel so much better, and don’t hate him – because actually now he can’t hurt me anymore, as I’m out of his control – I can just walk away or close the door or whatever.

You can do this – and you won’t regret it xxxxx

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I agree …first get legal advice. This makes you realise that you will be ok. You won’t be homeless.

There are so many parallels to my situation here. Write down every single incident and password protect it. This is ammunition and a great reminder of how you felt at the time.

I don’t regret leaving (tho early days). I feel sad at times and unsure but the children and I are at peace and we can do what we like with no fear of accusations and blame. The greatest thing is going to bed at night and there being no one who wants an argument when I’m at my lowest ebb.

You are being so strong and you can do this. I promise xxx

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I can see what you’re saying totally with no contact, he’s already threatening to take me to court for access, and he’s seen them a bit already! He’s meant to be moving out before having them to visit properly (that’s my request). How does it work? Can you make it work from a legal point of view? xx

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thank you all – as always .. you are my sanity x

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Thank you. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head …. both with the power and security need and that the tears are for him … totally spot on. I guess the problem is that I’ve (we’ve) spent years making everything ok, and this time I know I can’t but something instinctive tells me that I should be making everything ok again. Only this time he chipped so much away that there is nothing more to give. I don’t hate him – I just want to live in our house with our children, and he see them in a way that doesn’t destroy us all.
Thank you … your words have really really helped (and the glass of wine I have just poured!!) xxx

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oh pants!! …. that’s the wrong answer!!! … thanks for clarifying … good to know what is realistic or not. Better get my thoughts together. Poor kids .. they are desperate for a predictable routine, and I’m doing my best to put that back in place .. may have to widen my mindset! x

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Just to say a HUGE well done …. it’s a rocky road and there are tricky days but you have done the right thing 100% xxxx

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You are all brilliant – yes ..keep remembering all the reasons why and find it hard to see that he is so disbelieving of why I left!!?!?
Freedom .. yes, that makes it all worthwhile xxx

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thank you … I think I’ve got that book … if I haven’t I’m getting it tonight!! … when I saw the letter this afternoon my first thought was “I need to get home and read about this” … I know that it’s all part of the game, but what (detail removed by Moderator) to say “yes the children should be in the family home” but (detail removed by Moderator) .. it’s just mean and silly … let alone the whole (detail removed by Moderator) malarkey … madness! x

[abcxyz]

thank you … good to know that it’s all part of the “journey”. Never had so many emotions in the space of a few weeks! xx

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So true … and glad to hear that you have had / are having a good evening too. Now I can go to bed without asking someone else if they are also ready to go to bed … bliss!! xx

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Thank you so much …. the words of support on here make such a huge difference xxx

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thank you …. your messages have meant that I can go to bed with a slightly less heavy heart (and no one asking if they I can massage their back … hurrah!!) x

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thank you both so much. You are right, but I just needed to hear it … so many things going round in my head. It did make me laugh when one of them said “ooh perhaps you should get Daddy a little present – like a cookery book” … I think I need to think of the little comments they have made (not that one necessarily) which prove that it is the right move – just the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.

Of all the feelings, the sense of dread has gone, and for that I am very grateful.

I will keep re reading your messages – thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx

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Thank you all so much. I don’t think I could have done this without having all of you on hand xxx

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Yes ….I had the same thought. …Small list on my phone of all the things I will no longer have to do and huge back catalogue on my computer. …. such a mess with ur head when you know all that happened and then they can be just “normal”!x

[abcxyz]

I have learnt, very quickly, that the realisation and then the momentum for change is like a grieving process. Mine has all happened rather quickly .. but that anger was (and is still a bit) there for me too … channel it …. if you have read Matilda (or seen the film!) then there’s the bit when she’s angry and she uses the anger to move a glass with her eyes, and make a lizard or something jump out at the meanie …it’s the same here (sort of!) … feel the anger, and use it like a super power to make a change .. but never ever be hasty … stay in complete control of everything you say and do (I have had to bite my tongue many many times). He won’t know what’s hit him (metaphorically speaking!) xx

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