Amethyst15

[Amethyst15]

Hello finkle- just read this and your other post. Definitely abuse and agree with daisy, the anxiety is caused by our abusers constantly playing on our emotions and twisting and turning us around. Know well that feeling of not wanting to go home. Stayed with my abuser a very long time but now out and still working through recovery. Long road and this is early days for you. So pleased you have a sister to rely on. Follow your gut instinct and cut contact to minimum. It’s the only way to break free of abusers. Keep posting and take care x

[Amethyst15]

Hi East and others who’ve posted on this thread. Yes totally relate to experiences after decades with my ex, the experience of which is uncannily similar but since leaving I’ve realised the extent of the abuse and how abusers work to type, so not uncanny at all! Like you lived with stress and anxiety for years and thought it was me. Didn’t call what the ex was doing abuse but now know it for what it is. Like you East, family illness brought us back after me moving away. Tactics returned and with it the depression of feeling powerless and trapped. Only way forward is to cut contact(if not totally as minimal as possible). Situation will not change otherwise- you will be to blame and he will claim victim. You will only start to heal when he is out of your day-to-day. I left it way too long because I was terrified of being totally on my own, I’d been conditioned and programmed to believe he was everything. He’s not and I’m still here. It’s been hard but all the pain has been worth it and you deserve to live a peaceful, fulfilling life x keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Heartbreaking Sugar, that you have suffered so much. Please contact your gp. Like you, I thought if I go I’ll break down and then what will happen but it was the start of me owning up to the abuse and where I was at. I needed medication to help with the extreme anxiety but my gp couldn’t have been more understanding. You truly need care and support and it can be there for you so I hope you can take this next step. Sending you a massive hug x

[Amethyst15]

Yes serenity and all those who have posted,
It is incredibly sad to realise that children are used as a weapon or lever in our abuser’s world. When I think of my ex, I wonder how much genuine love he has for his children. Each of the children have voted to keep their father at no or minimal contact. My youngest has just opened a channel of communication after a period of no contact. Ex uses push/ pull tactics all the time. Everyone in contact with him is put on a merry go round. The children have wised up because they are adult and can see through the games and manipulation. Ex always said to me ‘your trouble is…(.always the same preface) you put the children first’ He always resented that and constantly created trouble to cause friction between family members. But, he has ultimately suffered because the kids keep him at a distance. At least our relationships with our children are genuine and loving and fulfilling. Abusers can’t have that because it would mean they are not centre of attention or calling the shots. It’s control not love they get a kick out of and kids see through the act eventually.

[Amethyst15]

Sugar,
I’m positive you will get ladies posting who will identify with your situation with children and social services and that might clear up a few fears you have ‘re the reporting to the police. As for your confidence and self esteem, it is not surprising you feel alone and isolated. Use the helpline to find out what support is out there. I used my gp who was great but I missed out on specialist DV support and you need to be able to talk to someone who understands the trauma you’ve been under. To survive what you have takes courage and resilience, you are stronger than you think you are. I hope you can reconnect with some friends so you feel less alone. As you gain advice and support you can begin to rebuild slowly but surely. Hoping for a better future for you x

[Amethyst15]

Yes foggy – this has been too much to deal with, no wonder you are under a crisis team. I had some very dark moments too and it was the scariest time of my life and I consider myself a strong person. But, the rug has been pulled from under you with no warning. It’s not surprising you are suffering. People gave me the advice of being kind and patient with yourself, self-love, it’s easy to neglect yourself in this stage. I also have my adult daughters to thank for being massive supporters of me and it sounds like you have a loving relationship to gain strength from. Don’t be hard on yourself, these early weeks and months are massive in terms of adjustments to your everyday reality and I know that extreme anxiety and how debilitating it is. Take good care of yourself – in time it will get easier(didn’t believe it in the early days) but it takes a lot of help and support and you are going through it at the moment. Thankfully sounds like you’ve got a responsive medical team to help you x

[Amethyst15]

Hello Foggy,
Yes it is total frustration and confusion with these abusers. We give everything we have; turn ourselves inside out to fit their demands and then finally we are left looking at the wreckage feeling our lives have been torn apart as they move on for their next fix. I think many of us will identity with the discard tactics and it hurts like hell! I remember well the early days of separation and I felt like I was losing my mind. I did need help from the gp and counselling. It takes a lot of therapy and support to make sense of it all. Also, there could be local support available via the helpline so do give them a ring. I’m not going to lie, it is a long road back to recovery after the abuse but every step you take in the right direction is building towards a future abuse free and you so deserve that. Keep posting because the ladies on here are a fantastic support and offer lots of practical help. 2016 will be the year I need to take that final step to divorce so I can appreciate where you are coming from. What I do now is pour the energy it took keeping him happy into planning a better future without his mind games and controlling abuse. I wish you a better future, too x

[Amethyst15]

Hello Sugar,
So sorry to read about this extreme and horrendous abuse. It is truly shocking.You are a very strong lady to have survived so far so when you ask for strength believe me when I say you have it. Yes our hearts want to believe that our love can change these abusers but you have tried to reconcile as any loving person would and you have found yourself in a very dangerous situation . Please report this to the police and get some protection from his return. You have a right to live peacefully and you want to provide a peaceful home for your children because you are a caring, responsible parent. As Tamra has said, ring the helpline as soon as possible too and get advice and support. Others will post advice, too. You have suffered a great deal and my heart goes out to you x

[Amethyst15]

Thanks so much blue eyes and tamra,
Your words have really helped me today. Good to get perspective and not sink back into their view as the only view which after years of control is so easy to do. Blue eyes, your last post is really getting me back on my feet again, we can’t change them and we know their lives are built on games and lies. Yes it hurts like hell but every bit of pain moves me along the road to healing. Can’t go round, under or over just got to keepp walking through! What we are building is solid and that take time. Wishing some peace for all of us x

[Amethyst15]

Yes blue eyes – like that idea ‘some people are our lessons in life and some our blessings.’ Will hold that thought. Also, only a few days ago the ex was rambling on about missing the family for Christmas( blah blah doesn’t contact us only when it suits his schedule with his girlfriend) and I said exactly the same to him that the mask will slip and he can’t keep up his pretences forever. For once, he showed some sense of agreeing but he’ll go back to the usual bluff and bravado. Best thing to happen now is me blocking him for the long term and I know that’s what most of us ladies are working hard to do. The forum gives me so much support and resolve and I know you will find that too x

[Amethyst15]

Hi White Rose,
Totally understand where you are coming from! The climb up from coupledom to singleton is hard enough but add an abuser into the mix and it is doubly hard as we build up self esteem and attempt to reclaim lives more often than not kept isolated and friendships disapproved. Keep making the contact with friends, it’s easy to take things personally when we feel at a low ebb but as has been pointed out people just get busy. You are getting out and about and where possible continue to widen your circle of friends and acquaintances via activities. If you need a little support from antidepressants I say not a problem as we all heal at different paces and in different ways. You are stronger than you think and I hope things start to pick up for you x keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Second the no contact. My ex turned up on Christmas eve out of the blue bearing cards to me and his adult children. Never bothered in the past, just another tactic to worm his way in. First family Christmas without him so was always going to be hard but he just had to get inside of our heads. So full of themselves…grrrr. not content with spending Christmas with his girlfriend and using our joint home to do it!! Yes falling skys ‘abuse toy’ exactly that. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be free of him. We’ve got to keep remembering we have more strength; more care; more everything than these pathetic excuses who we had the misfortune to love x

[Amethyst15]

Thanks for your input Tamra, struggling myself at the moment- think Christmas is so hard for us whatever stage of break up from an abuser. These abusers never leave us alone, constantly changing tactics and mood to keep us confused. Like you was with mine for decades and he continues to manipulate, trick and push/pull. Have to keep remembering no contact- there for a reason- but the ex is so crafty and subversive. Got to keep strong and hoping we can all look forward with some renewed self-belief that we are survivors not victims! Welcome to blue eyes – you are in good company on the forum with a lot of great advice given. Keep posting for support x

[Amethyst15]

Hello lots of love and tittlemouse,
Welcome to the forum where you will get lots of support and understanding. You have both been through such a lot and it makes me despair of how vile abusers can be. But, on a positive you are both survivors and you will with love, care and support gain a happier future abuse free. It’s a rocky road to recovery with many twists and turns. We are all at different stages of that recovery but wherever we are we help each other. You will find someone will empathise with where you are and give emotional and practical support so keep posting and keep going. It’s the first of many baby steps and we’ll walk with you x

[Amethyst15]

Hi In need,
Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I know in the early days i felt exactly like you and still have some major wobbles,

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