Anonymous2022

[Anonymous2022]

Hi HHH,

I’m so so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I can only imagine how strong you must be to have managed someone like that AND you’re own increasing illness. And you’re now in the process of trying to heal both your mind AND your body.

You should be admired and appreciated for what you’ve done and the selflessness you’ve shown. Any half decent person would know that. But abusers are never going to give us the recognition or respect we deserve. He won’t see what a caring, kind, incredibly selfless person you are because that makes his abuse all the more horrible (and it was no doubt horrible).

I’m healing myself. Not physically but emotionally and that’s hard enough – and it does take physical strength to heal from abuse. So I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Please above all else be kind to yourself. Replace that horrible voice of your ex in your head with loving kindness. Talk to yourself in your head as if you we’re talking to your best friend. When you feel strong enough (and that can be any time you want there’s no ‘right’ time) you can reach out to services like Victim Support or your GP. They can at least log what’s happened and connect you to local services and support groups. Then self care like mad 🙂 Try and reconnect with what makes you happy – walks, reading, creative things, friends. Or don’t. Lie in bed and sleep or watch trashy tv.

Just know there’s no ‘right way to heal. You just have to do what feels right for you in that moment. You got this. You really do. If you can survive what you’ve been through you can heal.

Wishing you love and kindness xx

[Anonymous2022]

@hereforhelp this. Taking a screen shot and will reread on repeat. Such a helpful way to explain everything. Thank you.

[Anonymous2022]

What a great win @cakepop. And you’re so right – we need to focus on those little wins to help us take stock of where we are and realise that we are moving forward (even if it’s slowly!). Well done for asking for a pay rise – I know a lot of people (even those with no abuse in their past) who find it hard. You bad a%s.

@numblebee I’ll tell you right now that I’m proud of you and you are stronger than you think. Taking time to be here on this forum is showing up for yourself no matter where you are in your life. Well done.

My small win is that everyone was telling me I need to set boundaries – the social worker and my emotional support worker. But I had no idea what I wanted, so I’m learning to think about what I want and slowly learning how to ask for it. Baby steps.

Wishing you all love and kindness xx

[Anonymous2022]

Hey Mellow, I don’t know much about your situation from what you’ve described and I’m not the best at recognising abuse (having lived for decades with my abuser before someone told me his behaviour was not OK) but I think if you have to question whether it’s abuse, it’s abuse. I don’t think people in healthy relationships ever, EVER, ask themselves that question.

Have you read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft? You can get a free pdf online if you google it. I’ve been reading it and it’s really helpful to see what abuse looks like for different people, how to spot it, and how to understand it so we can start to heal.

Wishing you love and kindness xx

[Anonymous2022]

Dear Mellow and getting tired, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve both been through such horrendous experiences. No one should have to live with the confusion, fear, obligation and guilt that abuse brings. Dr Ramani is really good – I think she explains things really clearly. I especially like the technique called grey rock which is basically where you don’t give them any emotion or reaction. It’s hard, you scream into your pillow or talk it over with someone, but don’t let them see you’re emotions if you can. That’s how they control us.

Have you tried talking to people about it? Even just telling people I’ve been in an abusive relationship has been really helpful. And also sad to hear that about 50% of people I’ve told have known or known someone who has been in an abusive relationship. We’re not alone. You’re not alone.

Wishing you love and kindness xx

[Anonymous2022]

Oh gorgeous lady you are worth more. He is doing this – it’s all part of his bag of tricks. Mine was just awful and would say he didn’t remember some of the worst things he did only to be able to argue with me about the exact number of times he hit me 2 days later. Consider reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s free online and really helpful to understand abusers and how to heal.

You’re gorgeous and beautiful and worth so much more.

[Anonymous2022]

Oh smallbutbrave my heart breaks for you. You are 100% not to blame. Please believe that. No one has a right to treat you that way and a decent person would leave you if they were unhappy.

What you’re describing is exactly what I’ve been through. Please look up FOG – fear, obligation, guilt – it’s how they keep us tied to them. I’ve also been reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (there’s a free pdf online). It’s been really helpful for me to break the cycle.

Keep talking and get all the support you can. These men break us but we grow stronger xx

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You and your children don’t deserve this. Everyone has written such great words, I don’t have much to add, just keep reaching out for support and moving forward as best you can.

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry. You are going through so much. You sound to me like a very brave and strong person – to leave such hideous abuse and a lovely home. I’m not in a shelter but I know since I ‘outed my abuser I’ve been going through lots of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel very drained. Other times I feel strong. Someone on this forum told me it’s totally natural to feel stuck in ourselves (and it sounds like you’re also physically stuck). We’ve spent so long focusing our energy on them, trying to predict moods, thinking hard about the ‘correct’ response and more. Its exhausting and incredibly anxiety inducing. We need time to let our minds and bodies reprogramme. I get frustrated with myself some days for just lying in bed, but I need to tell myself that if that’s what I need then that’s what I need.

The GP prescribed some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants which help take the edge off of some of the worst side effects (panic and anxiety attacks). I’m also getting help from Victim Support – you may want to seek them out for extra support.

You are so strong. Biggest hugs.

[Anonymous2022]

I just wanted to say that you are strong Buttercream. You’ve taken the really hard step of voicing that something isn’t right. After all the stress and anxiety these men put us under. They thrive on us focusing all our energy on them, trying to predict their moods and find the response ‘correct’ response. Its exhausting. And you managed to find some space in that high anxiety space for yourself. That’s really strong stuff.

I keep reading about trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse. Maybe take a look at those. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal for people who have been victims of abuse. But it’s not ok. Also see if you can read Lundy Bancroft ’why does he do that’, and Pat craven’s ’living with the dominator’, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube if you can.

You’re strong and amazing and know we’re all here for you so keep posting if you can. No judgement here. Just love and hugs.

[Anonymous2022]

I think it’s great that you’re here and starting to talk about it. On the one hand it’s awful to know that this is abuse, but on the other hand there is a lot of support out there. Including here. I spoke on line (in incognito mode) to victim support and women’s aid using their web chat function because my abuser was working in the house. I then went for a walk and called the National DV helpline. All were great. I’d also recommend telling your GP. They can log the abuse and get you meds to help with stress and depression.

You have options. You are strong. You don’t deserve any of this. You can get out of this as quickly or as slowly as you need.

Keep posting and know you’re not alone. xx

[Anonymous2022]

Sorry I also forgot to say that my abuser used to threaten to ‘tell my family about me’. He always made my behaviour out to be so bad thay i couldn’t bear the thought. Two days ago I told them myself and they were so incredibly underwhelmed by this ‘shameful behaviour’ it was almost funny. Abusers warp reality. Besides, no matter what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

[Anonymous2022]

I am so so sorry to hear this. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. At all. Your child doesn’t need to be exposed to this.

You’ve been very brave to write this all down so clearly. It’s incredibly wrong what he’s doing. Ive been/am going through the same thing. Last week I just didn’t know what else to do – very similar experiences to you and threatening to send me away from my kids. All for silly stuff I did a million years ago. But this is what abusers do – they make you feel like it’s your fault. That you deserve to be punished. That you owe them. Honey, you owe him nothing. But you owe yourself to find help. Please consider calling the DV helpline. If you can’t talk then Victim support has a web chat function. Both those services for me help asap. Turns out that strangulation is a massive red flag. I wish I’d known so much earlier!

You are strong. You are beautiful. You don’t deserve this. You’ve already done the hardest part and that’s opening up. Now get the help and support you deserve. He’s a monster and you don’t deserve any of it xx

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re very strong for reaching out and talking about it. I think if you have to ask if it was consensual than it probably wasn’t. I had a lot of great support from Victim Support. They have a web chat that you can use if you feel more comfortable not talking. They’ve linked me to a lot of good resources.

Wishing you all the kindness and strength x

[Anonymous2022]

Oh I see @twistedsister. You make a good point. I probably am confusing narcissism with abuse, or maybe I’m confusing taking back control with what Dr Ramani says about grey rock. I’m definitely not an expert and just trying to learn about how to get stronger after decades of abuse.

xx

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