Apricotpoppy

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks for that DIY . It is frightening to read but great that so much research is getting pulled together. It has inspired me as well in the direction I can take with my further studies once I am feeling strong enough.

From reading this I am wondering should I not worry that he only has a couple of gours contact a week because I was pushing for more but maybe less is best ??

Keep up the good work !
All the best
Apricotpoppy xx

[Apricotpoppy]

That’s lovely Fudgecake and Faraway, This is my first summer saying yes to invites.
Me and my children have been going out, having fun, coming home when we want to. Connecting and reconnecting. Actually it is a bit exhausting but we are free, and we are also free to just lounge around all day in our PJs if we want to !

[Apricotpoppy]

I know Yellowflower, it is so painful, we all know here on this forum what you are going through. You are still traumatised and trying to make sense of it. I did this for a long time analysing and going over everything and cried buckets of tears. We we will never really know. Doing some trauma counselling helped a lot.
I know for sure when you read about DA it helps too as we see all these men have a pattern. So it was not your fault. It was him. He will have got angry at previous women in his life, and he will do again in the future. Its how he is and it’s a pattern of abuse. He tried to blame you for his anger. But don’t accept that. You are a lovely giving person and a devoted Mum.
Have you got a WA support worker or done the Freedom program ? I did the online one. It is important to understand the red flags looking back, which will help us in the future to avoid these abusive people.
Don’t worry your children will understand and remember you have saved them from a lot of damage. With what I know now I wish I got mine out earlier.
Take care and look afer you.
Apricotpoppy xx

[Apricotpoppy]

I feel your pain and grief about losing your dream
of your family. We have given and given all
our love and support to the abuser but it will never be enough. The addict has to want to change no-one can make them, and not all addicts are abusers. It is the hardest thing to accept our abusive partner is not willing to do a perpetrator program and make positive changes for their family. Broke my heart when he agreed to then said no.
You have been very strong to accept that it is abuse and get free. All we can do is create a new healthy peaceful little family.

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Yellowflower,
You did the right thing. Don’t listen to him as this is when they get inside our heads and self doubt creeps in. That’s why no contact is advised . Saying that I have modified contact cos of kids which is difficult because of the feelings you are describing, but i limit it as much as I can.
If he is abusing you the mother he is emotionally abusing your child because they will know on some level.
I think it is only a matter of time until the child is abused in some way directly. Even if he shows loves to his child and does good Dad stuff.
It is only a matter of time, maybe years and then maybe one day he will break things and attack you. Meanwhile you become physically ill from the stress and your brain actually changes.
Sorry to be so blunt but I am so sick of these abusers and what they do to us and our children.
I just think of all that and the worst he has treated me and those yearning feelings fade away.
We are doing the best for our kids by breaking the cycle and hopefully they will have happy relationships.

Keep strong
Apricotpoppy xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi MD and Fizz,
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is quite shocking to hear.
I don’t have experience in the area you are talking about but I just wanted to show some support.
Keep strong you have been thru so much.
All the best
Apricotpoppy ❤️

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Worrywart, I agree with KIP even though it feels really difficult it sounds like you have been given a chance to be free.
However listen to your gut instincts, you can consider reporting the abuse to the police and asking an officer to check your home security. I found that very helpful. WA can assess your risk and discuss safety measures.
Also watch out as these abusers tend to try and charm you back in and then the abuse could get worse.
Grounding techniques or guided meditation can help you feel connected, even just going for a walk, or focusing on having a shower or massaging your hands with cream. Your GP could help and maybe counselling?

All the best and keep posting
Apricotpoppy xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Fruitloops,
I am so sorry to hear of all this abuse you are enduring. It is him not you. He is wearing you down and keeping you hooked in with the so called good times.
I remember that feeling of dread as you near home. It affects the kids too- they see and feel more than we realise.
We can be wonderful mums while managing mh issues, so don’t believe a word he says. Our mh issues are usually caused or made worse by the abuse. So talk to your GP and a domestic abuse support worker and they will write records, and that is your proof. They can support you with a safety plan.
I was so worried about S.S, but when you reach out that is seen as protecting your kids.
Don’t worry, when you get free from the abuse your head clears and you will get your strength back. You can have a lovely, peaceful home that is your sanctuary .

All the best and keep posting xx
Apricotpoppy xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Rainbowcloud, I really feel for you. I was living like this for a long time and your words brought it all back. The silent treatment is so awful.
No matter how much love and energy you pour in, no matter how you try and change or placate him, it wont stay good for long. In the end I got sick.
It is hard to get them to leave . If you can get some support from Womens Aid, and from your GP, and plan and gather your strength because it is hard to leave and also dangerous.
I have more time, energy and money now that I am not with him. Having to always be tuned in to him and all the drama was exhausting . Now I just focus on me and my children.
He will try and cause problems but with the good supports you can still live a nice, peaceful, healing life and be free.
Thinking of you
Apricotpoppy

[Apricotpoppy]

Dear Horcrux , this is terrible. I am so sorry for you and your boys. Please keep strong, please don’t give up.
Your baby needs you and your eldest is still a child, an abused child. He needs you to help undo the damage because not long ago he was a caring boy. I don’t have experience with the legal situation you are describing, but I am trying to deal with the aftermath and my children, and surely there is still hope.
There are lots of women here to guide and support you. I know you must be exhausted but there must be a way.
Someone needs to refer this abuser to Children Services or the police for neglect and emotional abuse.
Can you talk to the School safeguarding person or nurse, or can your GP help ?
Thinking of you
Apricotpoppy

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Anonagain,
Please don’t feel bad about posting . We understand and like Fizzylem said lots of us write desperate posts. I used to read the posts with tears streaming down my face. I felt terrible shame and humiliation too. it’s because we are victims of abuse. But you are strong and a survivor and once you feel up to it some counselling can help. Please don’t believe it is easier to stay. Yes sometimes it is hard being out, but you will be free to live in peace and you can slowly heal.
Apricotpoppy ♥️

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi ParmerViolet,

Welcome to the forum . I am so sorry you have been through all this abuse. Everyone here will give you lots of support

The Duluth Power and Control wheel is a good diagram which names the types of abuse. I like the Equality wheel too because it reminds me of loving and healthy behaviours in a relationship, which we lose sight of after years of abuse. Not that I’m going down that path- too early for me !

Be careful and discrete as you gather knowledge. He might act very nicely (will be shortlived ) to confuse you or get info from you, and could become very abusive if he thinks you may leave. He could get physical or try to financially cripple you.
As loving empathetic women it’s hard for us to accept how nasty they could get, and cos of the abuse we often minimise.

Talk to WA to help keep You and the children safe. Definitely get legal advice too.

Keep reaching out.
Apricotpoppy ♥️

[Apricotpoppy]

Congratulations IWMB thats great news! Take care and all the best xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Noonespecial, what an amazing acheivement to push through the aftermath of abuse and gain this. Such a strong and smart woman . Congratulations this is fantastic news !
All the best
Apricotpoppy xxx

[Apricotpoppy]

Thanks DIY good advice I will try that.Apparently paying them back so will see. Have a nice afternoon we are going out now for a bit of drama free fun xx

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