Cedarlemon

[Cedarlemon]

Hi icandothis

Yes exactly the same , he said you will never find anyone else like me, I thought to myself thank goodness for that! He really had a sense of self importance and thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread – delusional and extremely narcissistic, I’m glad to be rid x

[Cedarlemon]

Hi Hazydayz

Your post isn’t a ramble, I have been there and to some extent still there… Abuse completely destroys you as you say your mental health and well being .The straw that broke the camels back for me was his continued accusations about what I was doing (or rather not doing) I just couldn’t take it anymore , it was complete bulls@@t , but his way of controlling me, and in fact he was doing what he accused me of! To add to this there are other aspects of life that have this effect and so it builds into a crescendo where you feel that you are trapped in a room with no way of getting out .. I found t talking therapies very good and you can self refer for them. I am still on meds as well. So again you are not rambling , I totally get it. There is help out there , it’s about getting the right help for you , and I wish you well with that.

Best wishes

Cedarlemon

[Cedarlemon]

Hi velvet ribbon

You have done the right thing of telling your manager you think you have ptsd , it is much better to have told them that than suffer in silence. I had to tell my manager about my situation at the time because I kept breaking down at work and couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I am in a public facing job . Please don’t feel ashamed as sometimes you can’t keep work/life situations separate and tbh most workplaces have a ‘Duty of care’ to their employees. I really do hope you get the help you need. Best wishes x

[Cedarlemon]

Hi

I had exactly the same problem with my ex abuser. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere unless he went as well . One time I actually defied (his words not mine) him and went to meet my friend just for a coffee, well you would think I had done something so dreadful. when I got home ,( I was out literally one hour )he went on alarmingly for the rest of the afternoon/night demanding I apologise and wanted to know the exact conversation and who else was in the coffee shop etc . You were definitely not unreasonable. In a normal relationship each partner should have their own interests and meet friends and, yes, of course go out as a couple with their set of friends from time to time. I remember once going to an (detail removed by Moderator) with him and not being allowed to leave his side, even when I went to the toilet he waited outside for me to come out . It was awful , he was like gorilla glue just welded to me. Take care X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi icandothis

I think you have answered your own question here. You can never wish an abuser ‘well’ as they will grasp at anything and think that you are interested again. Saying that I contacted mine while a restraining order was in place and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. It caused terrible problems and I was right back to square one stuck in the cycle of abuse. I got some fantastic advice from some lovely ladies on here and I eventually sorted it out but it took along time. My advice to you would be leave well alone (I realise it’s hard) but reading your posts nothing good will come of it . you are doing so well , try and focus on yourself and your family , you will have moments like this but believe me you are so much better off without him. X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi hope you ok ,

Tbh I think I had to be like an investigator because I had to think ahead to think what he was planning all the time, very exhausting. I had to tell all my work colleagues to look out for him incase he came into my work which he had done before, I also had to tell my neighbours , it was very embarrassing tbh but these men are so unpredictable . Even now when I go shopping etc I get out of my car and have a good look about , I think that will take a long long time to stop doing this. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and I am sure that they are the same with every relationship they are in X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
Yes this is definitely harrasment , no one needs to call anyone that many times and especially from different numbers . Obviously by calling you from different numbers he expected you to pick up . With my ex abuser at his worst it was 20-30 times a day and like your ex used to use different numbers which I had to keep blocking, it was a nightmare. I had a lot of advice from some ladies on this site at the time which proved invaluable. Hope you ok xx

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
These abusers will home in on our vulnerabilities. As Lisa said even if you were mentally unwell there is no excuse for him to abuse you. I also think we are gaslighted into just listening to their voice because their voice is threatening, intimidating etc. it is not you it is him as nbumblebee says it’s nasty and typical abusive behaviour. Take care of yourself x

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
Oh gosh how I remember this so well. Just waiting to hear the tone of his voice to see what mood he was in and how I had to act to respond. It was so exhausting and draining , I could never be myself , I had to dance to his tune and still it didn’t help , this is the cycle of abuse x

[Cedarlemon]

It takes time and it is very hard but you will get there x They drag you down till your at your lowest with their problems, insecurities manipulation (the list goes on) so I totally understand where your coming from here. Try and find some time for yourself , and as I said before you deserve and are worth so much more X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
Yes I’m afraid abusers are notoriously selfish. They manage to fund their addictions but we don’t come into the equation. You can give them 100% commitment but that is never enough , it’s their way or no way. I used to give my ex what he wanted to keep the peace but still he wanted more , so as I said selfishness is a big part of an abusers make up X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
I think you will find a lot of abusers cheat on their partners, while at the same time accuse their partners of cheating on them. My ex partner constantly accused me of cheating while at work or with man in the shop, with my GP etc etc I had to constantly justify myself to the point where it made me ill whilst he was chatting g women up left right and centre, I even walked along the road with him looking at the floor incase I dared look at a man walking past or for that matter a female because in his warped mind I was having an affair with them. Please don’t blame yourself , it is them you have to blame X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
Firstly may I say well done for getting out 👍 I had exactly the same guilt feelings etc but what you have to remember is this would have gone from bad to worse . It will take time but you will see how life can be so much better for you and your children . My abuser was also an alcoholic and used cocaine from time to time and when he used both together he was totally delusional , paranoid and extremely verbally abusive . You feel bad because you are a nice person but I doubt if he felt guilt or bad about doing what he did to you and your children. I wish you well and, again well done X

[Cedarlemon]

Thank you and wishing you the same and all the lovely ladies on here. Without this Forum I don’t know what I would have done. Xx

[Cedarlemon]

He couldn’t bear it if I was Ill, I could see his face getting more and more angry because the attention wasn’t on him. I dreaded having a sniffle or cough because I knew he would cause absolute dramas. If I rang the doctor and made an appointment he would insist on coming with me so he could pretend to be the caring concerned person which he definitely was not .

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
I’m so sorry that your feeling so ill. I work in this field so I know at the moment it is prevalent. As some of the other ladies have said it’s really bad when you get it then it reappears about 1-2 weeks later. Try and get plenty of rest, lots of fluid and light meals, home made chicken soup is very good 👍
At least you haven’t got your ex making you feel ten times worse, mine used to get annoyed when I was unwell so the attention wasn’t on him – crazy aye . I wish you better soon X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi I.don’t.know
I agree whole heartedly that there are definitely Red flags here. My ex abuser told me when I first met him that his ex was very abusive and violent which I found out later wasn’t true, she moved miles away from him to escape his abuse. I used to get 50-100 texts per day at one point and countless calls when he knew I had sussed him out. As Strongenough says please trust your gut instinct and call Police otherwise this will get worse , the feeling of anxiety you have is a big concern X

[Cedarlemon]

Please don’t blame yourself for it , we’ve probably all done it at sometime or other. Yes these men are compulsive liars and will twist things for their own gain. Hope you can remain strong and no contact is the only way but easier said than done I know. You will get there it took me years to realise he was no good and would never change . Best wishes X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi icandothis

I so know where you’re coming from with this, as ts said this is creepy and harrassment. When my ex was at his worst I had cards sent through the post nearly every day and even an engagement ring , it made me go cold , it was constant. I had to go to the police in the end and give them all the cards and ring , it was really freaking me out. At the time I didn’t know whether to contact the police because I thought it would make it worse but I did and tbh they were very helpful but again as ts said it is a lottery. X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
What a lovely inspiring post. You and your children deserve your new life after what you’ve been through.

Best wishes

Cedarlemon

[Cedarlemon]

Hi Lisa/ts

Thank you for this information. I hope this helps the women/children that have concealed phones. It actually makes me shudder as to me it’s a breach of many womens security. TS- I agree with you this sort of thing always affects the most vulnerable members of society. Thank you both once again .

Best wishes

Cedarlemon

[Cedarlemon]

Hi ts
I totally agree with you, this will cause havoc for a lot of women . Do you happen to know if the siren will still activate if a phones switched off? It probably hasn’t even entered the government’s heads concerning this issue,
Best wishes

Cedarlemon

[Cedarlemon]

Don’t blame yourself, we stayed because we loved them and held onto the good times thinking that they would get better but unfortunately it never does. He wouldn’t have told you about his (detail removed by Moderator) he wanted to show you he was loving and caring but it’s all an act and they can’t keep their supposedly nice side up because they are abusers . X

[Cedarlemon]

I also had warnings off one of his ex’s but carried on with him because I thought she was just bitter but I soon found out to my detriment that everything she said about him was true , I also wish I had listened in hindsight , it would have saved so much trouble.x

[Cedarlemon]

Yes it’s quite normal to think about things and go over them in your mind. It’s so draining isn’t it having to block but it is the only way. I think he’s the one that needed professional help , just shows how they twist and manipulate things doesn’t it 🙄 They never take the blame for anything they do just blame everyone else x

[Cedarlemon]

When you were and still are grieving for your son he wanted the attention on himself, as you said it’s all about them , they can’t bear it , even with a terrible bereavement like you have. He should have been the one to feel guilty after saying something so awful to you. Losing your son is mental torture for you and it also must be hard for you with your other sons with needs. The freedom you’ve got now is being away from him . X

[Cedarlemon]

Hi
I completely agree , their only priority is themselves , partners, children etc don’t get a look in , they have no accountability, it is so wrong and makes me so mad X

[Cedarlemon]

Yes a constant battle day in day out, battling against their addictions , their accusations etc . They will never take the blame for anything but twist it round and blame their partner (I think it’s called mirroring) . In the end I had to go on anti d’s because I was so drained and exhausted and it was affecting my work . I really don’t think their capable of loving anyone but themselves X

[Cedarlemon]

Oh gosh I’m so sorry about your son , that must have been horrendous for you . They absolutely f@@k your head up with their demands , it’s no wonder so many of us have mental health issues, and even if we’d got mental health issues before we met them they make them ten times worse. Again they give nothing to a relationship just misery and exhaustion and we’re supposed to be thankful for that! Take care of yourself, you are worth so much more X

[Cedarlemon]

Exactly , I used to make myself ill trying to please him and make sure everything was ok but then he’d come up with something else , it was so exhausting. I could have sat there surrounded by a million pounds but he would have said he wanted two million pounds , (hypothetically speaking of course) X

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