cloudyday

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Summerday you are 100% right. The red flags appear almost straight away but we ignore them. We choose to stay with them and in hindsight we all regret not ending the relationship before we became emotionally involved.

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The sleep control thing is a common thing with abusers. Sleep deprivation weakens the senses and gives them control. My abuser used to keep me on the phone until the early hours or if he was at mine he would come to bed late and wake me up and keep me talking to 2 am knowing that I had to get up for work a 6.30 and btw he did not work and stayed in bed until midday most days. Sleep deprivation is a well-known form of torture. My ex not so long ago was asking me in the early hours of the morning about certain sexual things with a previous boyfriend. I told him I was not comfortable talking about sexual experiences with previous partners no more than I wanted to hear anything about his experiences with previous partners but still he kept on and then when he tried to touch me I totally freaked out and said get off me! He made me feel degraded and disgusted. These abusers f… with your head.

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Ditto Summerday. We choose the wrong men or do they choose us? Do they see a vulnerability in us. No matter how much love and care and time we shower on them nothing will ever change. We all try to fix something that is just not fixable.

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Nobody understands what it is like to be with an abuser because we truly love them and invest so much of our lives with them. My whole family thought I was a complete pathetic joke as no matter what abuse was dealt out and how much I told them how unhappy I was I just couldnt leave. He kept pulling me back and those moments with him were so lovely and made me feel loved and safe only for it all to come tumbling down around me time and time again. My family basically washed their hands of me including my children. I said to my mum, mum you just dont understand what it is like to be in a relationship with this kind of person and how they erode away your self worth, doubt your own judgement on situations, make you feel so low and grateful for any crumbs of love they show. It is just not easy to walk away. She said Well I would never let myself get in that kind of relationship. It was as if she was superior to me. I havent seen my abuser for only a short while as I have just ended the relationship and I am an absolute mess, constantly crying, I feel like something has died inside me. I cant talk to my family. They just dont get it and get annoyed with me. Its like oh for gods sake get a grip, he was vile. But I truly loved and still love him. 99% of my life is missing now. Thats how they get you. Im sure im having some kind of melt down I even tried to contact him after telling him its all over. He is now the one declining and ignoring my calls. I said to my daughter tonight I feel like I have been put on this earth just to suffer. So I totally get everything you are saying about feeling alone. People are supportive at first but then when you dont get yourself out of the situation they lose patience and say dont want to hear it, heard it all before. It really makes you feel so alone and worthless

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Hi Emsbank. Yea can totally relate to what you are saying. I havent seen my abuser for only a short while yet so early days but I feel like I have no life now. Although a lot of it was negative I miss him so much. I have been so low and weak that I actually contacted him myself and had my daughter who lives with me calling me pathetic. I hated myself for doing it. He wanted to meet up but something kicked in and said dont do it. Now it is he who is declining and ignoring my calls, I am miserable and empty without him. I know my daughter is right I am pathetic. He had such control over my life and my mind that now I feel like an empty shell. I feel I have no life now. Im craving those parts that were nice and it is as if Im blocking out all the emotional abuse. I miss him so much. I cant stop crying.

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Thanks for your help freedom fighter. Yes he tries to portray himself as a lovely guy its not him its everyone else treating him badly. They are experts at lies and manipulation and making us the bad ones. It is missing the ideal that we would all love to have and feeling lonely. I have been receiving counselling which I have felt so beneficial. I need the time to reflect back on what the relationship was actually like. As you can read from my previous post he has tried to make contact. I will get in touch with Womens aid group to get the support I need. Love and strength to you too x

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So he has tried to make contact in the early hours of this morning and also again this morning by doing 141 before my number as he is blocked but I didnt answer. My anxiety is now at an all time high again. His voicemails have said he loves me and then Im cheating on him and got someone else thats why I wouldnt let him in the house the other evening and also why I havent called him. Im sure he will turn up here again. How can I distance myself and heal when he wont allow it.

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Sending you a big hug. It is not on the radar of these abusers to look out for anyone but themselves that is something I came to realise. I remember being ill and my ex still shouting at me. Flowers were bought once in all the years we were together. All the little things that make us feel special are not even considered as these abusers are too self-absorbed. My ex would say we couldnt go out because he didnt have the money and then gamble. Their behaviour and constantly changing goal posts make us feel confused and crazy but it is their behaviour that is crazy making. It is toxic. My ex and I went to visit my friend and he made a grand gesture of buying her a present when we were out. What a lovely guy. All fake. Its a hard lesson to learn but these kind of people will never truly love or look out for us. They are the centre of their own world. I used to wake in the morning with an almost panic attack and he would be lying next to me and I wouldthink god what a toxic mess this relationship is and Im still in it and cant find the strength to get out. Its a truly horrible place to be in. Even now I have only just got out I feel like Im in a living hell as he has damaged me so much my self esteem is at an all time low. I miss him like hell, how crazy is that. There is a massive void in my life that he filled. I struggled to leave too for a long time. The fact is that nothing will change within your relationship because they are incapable of change. Take another pregnancy test as you need to know for sure. Maybe ring the helpline also for support in all this. Sending you love and strength.

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Because you have a heart on you and these abusers get you to feel sorry for them. I did this with my now recent ex. He hasnt worked for almost a year and hasnt even been really looking but a few weeks ago he got really upset and said he was on his last legs as he had no money and I leant him some. Now I know I wont ever see that again. My birthday meal and drinks out I ended up paying for the whole lot. He wasnt grateful at all. Bought tickets for a show for us and again it was as if it was nothing. Still verbally abused me. I stayed with him for a long time bailing him out. I felt like a mug also but I felt compelled to help him. They know we have a soft side and they prey on that side. They are not nice people.

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The police came round I now have it on record about the key incident. Nothing will be done at this point as he will only deny ever having been at my property but that’s ok as long as I have it on record. He has not attempted to make any contact at all. Part of me is wondering why he hasnt made contact to hoover me back. I feel like he never loved me at all. He has literally done nothing. Although it has made it easier but its like he never cared. I still feel so upset with it all. My mother called me weak the other evening because I was really upset. She said well why don’t you just go back to him. She really doesn’t get it at all. He was such a big power in my life literally influencing every little thing I did or thought I had and now that’s just gone. I should be feeling relief but all I feel at the moment is an empty void. Has anyone else felt like this when they finally plucked up the courage to get out. I feel like absolute hell. I wrote down all the abusive stuff he has done to me over the years last night and it gave me strength to read it and think oh god this stuff is awful. How could I have allowed all this to happen to me. I’m glad I wrote it all down as it has helped me to remember and to realise how toxic the relationship was. I am angry with myself that I’m missing him but I cant stop it

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I couldnt sleep last night at all. I went to work today but I felt as though I was just going through the motions. Im so scared to be alone. Its so weird because all I have done tonight is keep crying because I really miss him. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now. He has not tried to contact me at all. The Police are due to come to see me to take a statement about what happened last night regarding he coming round and the broken key in the lock and then they will go round to talk to him. I thought I would be glad of this but all I feel is pain, never ending. Its so strange because I keep remembering all the nice things he did and I seem to be trying to block out the really horrible way he treated me most of the time. I think I need to write everything down that has happened and when Im feeling weak read it to help regain my strength. I am a complete mess at the moment but its still early days.

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Feeling so low right now.

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Broke off his key in my front door lock deliberately. Had to get locksmith as couldnt get back into my own house. Only discovered this an hour after he drove off.

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Sending you hugs iwillbeok. Its awful that they are at the foremost in our thoughts when all we want to do is forget. That voice in our head going over and over everything 24/7. We have all tried to hang on to the dreams that we would have liked to happen and the lives we hoped for but the reality is that none of this would ever have happened with these abusers. The bad days will become less with time and there will be good times ahead. We just got to stick with it and move forward and take time to heal our damaged hearts and minds. You did something good today iwillbeok, even though you were feeling so low yourself you sent me a few words that really lifted my spirit when I was feeling like hell. I appreciate that. Wishing you a better day tomorrow xx btw go and spend the bloody money on something frivolous, you deserve it, I sold my wedding ring ages ago, in fact 2 wedding rings and spent it on something nice, why not. xx

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Thanks iwillbeok. That means a lot. xx

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Also the blocking the phone thing. He gets round it by doing 141 so prob will have to change number.

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No contact is the way forward. Any form of contact however small will bring us crashing down.

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He had a key to the front door but I had locked the door internally. He said Im cheating on him thats why I wouldnt let him in. God my anxiety is at an all time high now. Hes gone now. It was awful.

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Anonymous Im feeling exactly the same way. I am trying to put a plan into place to get him out of my life and yet I am so full of self-doubt and wondering if Im doing the right thing and if I can go through with it. I know that if I can see the plan through in the long run I will have a happier life. I have a number to call given to me by the helpline for a solicitor to get the non-molestation order in place but havent yet plucked up the courage to call it. My counsellor had said to keep things as they are until I get things into place but it is really difficult as now he is saying Im being cold and distant and putting guilt on me saying Im playing with his feelings and completely playing the victim in all this. He doesnt in any way acknowledge the abuse he has put me through for years and now everything is my fault. I just go to try to be strong to go through with it all. It would be ideal to stay with family to get away from this house (he doesnt live with me thank god). but my daughter has school and it would be difficult to get her there from where we would be staying but it is doable. Reality check this evening when I was sitting with my daughter staring into space without realising and she looked at me and said “Mum why are you so done? I looked at her and said “done? what does that mean?” and she replied “done with life” at that moment I knew I had to get both of us out of this situation. I wish you all the strength to get through this. xx

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Its so hard to accept that the person who is supposed to love you is the person that doesnt care about how you are feeling, if you are unwell, feeling down or lonely or need moral support when times get rough. I remember having a hospital appointment in (Detail removed by Moderator)v and he promised to come with me and then failed to show up at my house after he argued with me so I travelled up to (Detail removed by Moderator) to go to my appointment alone. He caused me so much distress before I got there with abuse on the phone and finally showed up 5 minutes before my appointment like it was some kind of game. I was also poorly another time with a really bad cold but it didnt stop him shouting abuse at me and bullying me. It is so distressing and hard to understand but then the realisation kicks in that this person will never be there to support you because he only cares about himself. We keep reaching out in the hope that they will offer us a crumb of comfort when we feel at our lowest but it never comes. All they do is make us feel even worse and more miserable. Have you tried to see a counsellor. My counsellor specialises in the area of emotionally abusive relationships and coercive control and I have found it so beneficial. I called the Samaritans once but i found that although they listened to me they did not have any professional experience of this type so my chat with the person seemed a bit meaningless and empty. Keep posting on here. Hope you feel better in yourself soon. x

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My abuser (Detail removed by moderator) had left me a note to read (Detail removed by moderator) and I just ripped it up and put it in the bin without even reading it. I knew it would trigger me to feel sad and feel sorry for him and I was determined not to put myself through it, why would I? to feel bad and upset? I wasnt going to do it. I also do the same with any voicemails I delete without even listening.

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Everything you say Rainbowcloud is so familiar and I can identify with almost every single thing you have said. I stood up to him and he couldnt stand losing the control and said Id changed and was being so vile and cold to him. Laying next to him in bed I just couldnt bear even being near him. At times I feel so much hate for him. He would randomly do something nice such a tidying the garden or cleaning the conservatory windows and I would think ah what a nice thing to do but within hours he would be back to giving out the abuse, mind games, bullying, shouting at me and trying to make me feel intimidated and worthless. He is physically good looking but in my eyes now he has become ugly. He makes me want to recoil. He also literally spews so much hate towards me when he is on one of his rants, destroys my property ([Detail removed by moderator] was the last thing but Ive had shoes and clothes cut up with scissors or thrown out of windows and also just taken, mobile phones destroyed and also rips apart his own clothing while he is still wearing it. Truly scary and weird. My feelings and opinions are totally disregarded and shouted over and I get sworn out. (Detail removed by moderator).

In the process of trying to break contact but not easy as he shows up at my house banging on the window to get let in. Also says that if we ever broke up he would kill himself as he loves me so much. I am literally all over the place in my head. Feel like Im going crazy. My counsellor has advised me to try to keep thing as normal as possible until I can get certain things in place like a non-molestation order. Normal? what is that when you are dealing with an abnormal person. I have to have plans in place to escape my abuser. Just trying to get the strength to go ahead with it all.

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Just to add like you the love has now turned to hate.

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Hi Rainbowcloud

Yes I can relate 100% to what you are saying. My abuser is handsome and charismatic. He turns on the charm like a tap when he is in the company of others and everyone thinks what a lovely guy. But behind closed doors he is a manipulative bully. I too feel frustrated because I want others to know the monster he truly is. I am in the process of escaping from the hell he has put me through.

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Hi Chickadee

Thanks for your support. Its not going to be an easy path but I have also seen my counsellor and she has advised me to get a non-molestation order in place. xx

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Ditto Chickadee. Ariana God please grant you the strength you need and stay safe.

Cloudyday

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Hi Lisa

Thank you. I will try the help line again and request a call back. Yes off loading on here and reading other peoples experiences is really helpful and enables me to cope much better.

[cloudyday]

This is exactly the behaviour that the person I am still with does. When I try to end the relationship he will bombard me with calls, abusive messages to get a reaction. When i dont react he then continues to bombard me with calls and turns up at my house threatening to kill himself, and turning from being really vile and nasty and aggressive to being really upset and then going back to the nastiness and round and round. He has hoovered me back in so many times by getting me to feel sorry for him and that I am the bad one and that he really has a crap life and all he wants is to be loved. It is really crazy making. He plays the victim but once Im hoovered back in the emotional abuse starts again. One of the most vile things he does when he turns up at my house is to demand to see my phone so that he can delete all his vile abusive messages. He makes me show him that it is all deleted. Then he checks that I havent screen shot the messages and saved them in my photos or notes. While he does this he goes through all the messages from my kids and family and friends, looks at all my photos, checks my whatsapp and all the recent calls. He literally demands to go through everything. Even thinking of it as I type this makes me feel absolutely sick. While he is doing it I feel absolutely violated that he is going through things that are very personal to me from my children especially and at that moment I truly hate him.

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It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you have been the victim of abuse. I have found the posts on here on this subject so familiar and I can relate to most of what has been said and it does make me feel so much better and more positive when I read them. I am still in my living hell of an emotionally abusive relationship and I didnt know it was that until I went for counselling when my anxiety was at an all time high and I finally ended up going to the doctor. Emotional, financial, sexual are all forms of domestic abuse. Gaslighting was another term I had never heard of but I realised that is another form of abuse I am experiencing. He makes me doubt my concept of reality by twisting everything and when he behaves abusively he makes it that it is me that has done something wrong. when I try to tell him what has upset me he talks over me, shouts at me and turns it all around and says that he is the one that is hurt by my actions. So when you say he was reminding you of what you were putting him through when you were struggling with your own mental health that is because everything is about them. They have no empathy with anybody else’s need or compassion as a normal reaction would be. The trouble is we are hoping for them to show some compassion but we will never get it as they are incapable of these type of feelings for other people even the person they say they love. I dont live with him but every day is spent with him ignoring my phone calls, blocking me when we have an argument, constantly saying what he has got to say and then putting the phone down on me when I try to defend myself, sending horrible text messages as when I get really upset and try to end the relationship as I feel I cant go on like this he accuses me of cheating with someone else or I have someone else lined up. His sexual accusations make me feel low and degraded. Sometimes I feel so much hate towards him. He doesnt like me going out or meeting friends, He is jealous of everything. Even the next door neighbour cutting the grass I was accused of staring at him for too long. He threatens violence to my family as they all hate him because of the stuff hes done to me. His abusive actions over the years I have been with him are too numerous and too off the scale to be able to list here. Brain washing is the other thing they do so that you actually think that the way things are is some warped kind of normality. My family have a big event coming up shortly and he is not invited. He has made my life hell for months over this. I am really out of my depth with all this yet when I phone the help line I can never get through.

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Tractor what you are saying about your friends and” buy you a bottle of wine and you’ll be back” I know how that feels and it really hurts. They may just as well say to us ” god what a weak person you are, you have no self-respect. We would never put up with that”. They really dont get how the abuser gets into our heads so that actually we end up with no self respect and completely clouded minds, full of self doubt, not being able to rely on our own instincts and being made to feel so low in ourselves and hopeless that we feel like we are losing our minds and dependent upon any crumbs of kindness that our abuser throws at us. Unless you have been in an abusive relationship you will never get it. I never understood why women in these relationships didnt just leave. To me at that time it was black and white. It is not until you sadly are in a similar situation that you are truly in the fog. The emotions we go through are so complex. I have never realised what the word hopeless meant until I was in a relationship with an abuser and still it is going on. To confide in people that have never experienced this is pointless. They make us feel worse. So keep posting on here. Please believe WE ALL GET IT!!!!

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