colouringinfairy

[colouringinfairy]

I wouldn’t suggest contacting him at all. I let my abuser know I had reported him as a show of strength. He didn’t give a damn. I got no reaction. And when he was arrested he denied it all so I am sure he was well prepared with a story considering I told him.

Don’t contact him, it’s not worth it. You won’t get the reaction you want!

Why did you withdraw from carrying it over may I ask? Hope you are safe and happy! x

[colouringinfairy]

It will take time my dear. I still felt that I loved my ex until I found out even more home truths about him (cos abusing me for years and assaulting me wasn’t enough!) but that is how trauma bonding works. When you truly love someone, it takes a long time to fall out of love but when you are bound to them through trauma it feels as though that connection will never be severed. I promise you it can be.

From time to time I even still miss my ex which angers me the way you say you feel angry with yourself, but these are natural, human emotions to go through. You are grieving a relationship, and an abusive one at that. Your recovery and healing won’t be linear, but you will get to a place where the very thought of him makes you feel sick.

Keep reminding yourself why you are not with him, and how unhappy he made you. Be kind to yourself, and patient. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. Practice lots of self care and eventually you will get there x

[colouringinfairy]

Yeah it really resonated with me too, particularly; “you got off on the hurting, when it wasn’t yours”.

But it still made me feel sad when she said, “and now the chapter is closed and done, and now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us” because we know, from trauma bonding, that its so painful to close the door on an abusive relationship. I know from my own experience I did it over and over again, knowing full well it was not the end. But then suddenly it was and it’s like a whole era of your life, and all your hopes and dreams for that relationship, have come to end.

I salute her for writing that song. It is so simple yet it sums it up. You do have to lose your abuser if you can have any hope of ever loving yourself x

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks all for your responses. I do have regular therapy but I feel I may need to do some intense trauma therapy as my PTSD seems to be getting worse with time (which I have read is completely natural), and my triggers are minor yet severe. I feel so awful for the way I make him feel. He remarks some times that he doesn’t think I would do the things I do or treat him in certain ways if I did love him and care about him. It’s not true but I don’t even have the capacity to refute it, so I’m sure I have left him feeling like his assumption is correct and I don’t care.

It really breaks my heart, because he is a wonderful person and I couldn’t ask for a better, more understanding, patient and kind man, but here I am ruining it because I am constantly looking for a threat. Will I ever be normal again?

[colouringinfairy]

Reading your post was like reading something I would have put up here shortly after my break up from my ex. Same amount of time, same kind of abuse (mental and physical), YOU have to work for THEIR love and affection even though they are abusive…how does that even make sense? My ex controlled me a lot, and I have been learning all the different ways he managed to since we broke up. Most recently I found out a lot about him that I did not know. He was a cheater, and yet accused me of doing so. He wouldn’t let me hang out with guy mates, yet he was meeting up with his ex. He cheated on me (removed by moderator). Then turned it all around on me. That’s how these “men” work. They are abusers, they manipulate, control and gaslight us. It’s trauma bonding. Then when they “block” us out (my ex has done this to me more times than I can count in the last (moved by moderator) years) we literally go into meltdown as we NEED them to fix our pain. They are the only ones who can, in our eyes. That’s when they come back and love bomb us. That supports our theory that only they can mend our broken hearts. Well they can’t. Your boyfriend is the root cause of your pain, and it took me four years to realise mine was too. And that it would never get any better, he would never change.

He actually broke up with me after my assault, and blocked me. Much the same as yours. It was the best thing he could have done for me as, even though at the start I felt like you – loved him so much, the thought of him with someone else killed me – I realised pretty quickly this was the only way I could move on. And that I HAD to move on.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This man does not love you in a healthy way. And he is an abuser. My advice to you, having suffered through what sounds like a very similar experience, is to block him too and cut contact. Do not let him back in. This will be traumatic and it will take time to heal and be okay with him not being in your life, but I promise you you WILL get there. Lean on friends and family to help fill this void in the early days. Be kind to yourself, talk to counselor, keep posting here. Months and months ago I couldn’t ever imagine my life without my ex, and I hadn’t been able to for years – even though he put me through near enough constant pain and anxiety – now I finally feel like I can breathe again and am the happiest I have been since I met him. You will finally get the peace and happiness you deserve, please keep telling yourself that. Don’t let him back in, you deserve so much more than this x

[colouringinfairy]

I feel so sorry for this girl, she is still caught in his clutches (even though it’s clear to her he is using her and stringing her a long). I don’t know whether or not to continue helping her? Will this be any good for my mental health? I have recommended she come here for some extra support as I’m not sure it is in my best interests to be involved with someone currently connected to him…even if she does need my help.

It’s all hit me like a brick to the face. He controlled me and manipulated me for years, pressured me into a relationship, wouldn’t let me have guy mates or hang out with men, accused me of being untrustworthy – it was him all along. Classic cheater. And whenever I didn’t want him he ran to this poor girl and used her until he got me back. But at least he has never cared enough to physically harm her…though he may still..what do I do! x

[colouringinfairy]

True, I feel sorry for her. She was desperate for a relationship with him all the while he wanted me and just ran to her whenever we broke up. He has used her more than he used me – but I said to her she is lucky she didn’t end up having a relationship with him. If he had spent time with her and committed to her, it would have likely been her that was assaulted and not me. He makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want it to destroy my faith in others, but I have no idea how I will ever trust anyone else especially my new partner. It’s decimated my peace and happiness x

[colouringinfairy]

The cheating hasn’t come as too much of a surprise to me (well it has, but if he can assault me he is capable of anything), it’s WHEN he did it. The night after the assault, it absolutely sickens me and I don’t know how to reconcile it in my brain. How heartless could you be?

Even after what he did, I genuinely believed all this time that he loved me. Now I know that all these years have been a complete lie, and a game. How can I ever trust anyone again? :'(

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks ladies – your comments mean a lot!

We had the talk, it was hard…but I made it through the whole thing without crying once (which in itself is a bloody miracle). He was very upset, on the verge of tears and held my hand the whole time. I said I was worried it would put him off and he said it just makes him want to look after me even more…I think I have a good one on my hands…time will tell!

He did say he was worried I wouldn’t be able to move on from my ex…I explained trauma bonding to him, and was honest that a part of me will always love the person I THOUGHT he was, but it’s done now. It’s understandable my new partner would feel intimidated by what was a very passionate albeit toxic relationship but I just hope he can accept it for what it is.

[colouringinfairy]

Wow KIP, only comment on the incident? That’s awful. Whilst the assault has messed me up the years of mental and emotional torment and gas lighting have perhaps had more of a long term damage if that’s at all possible! Have people posted VIS’s on here then? Could you point me in the right direction?

[colouringinfairy]

Hi LittleFirefly, I am so so sorry you’re going through this. It all sounds very familiar. I know the first thing the ladies on here will say to you is to research trauma bonding as this is what we are exposed to in these abusive relationships. I was for years – actually I still am – the pain was intolerable throughout the relationship, even though a lot of the time he also made me feel like a princess and the most loved woman in the world – but the pain I felt whenever we broke up was immense and I couldn’t take it. I would always seek him out. That was when it was just emotional and mental abuse. Eventually it became physical, it was always going to happen, it’s kind of the natural progression of things. They have to up the ante in order to continue controlling us over the years.

When I first got out the pain was immeasurable. I could hardly function. I loved him so much, I still do. But I promise you this, once you move past the fresh and raw pain of the first few months, your brain starts to put everything into focus. You start to see them for who they are, you start to rationalise what they did to you, and you start to realise how much more you can breathe without that toxic relationship suffocating you. It’s really hard at first, I’m not going to lie, but that is why we are here to support one another.

You are not alone in this, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. This relationship will not bring you happiness. I’m sure on some level you already know this, but breaking free and staying free is the biggest obstacle to overcome. You CAN do it, and life DOES get better. Trust me. I felt much the same as you – no strength, no self respect. Over half a year later I feel so strong, I have so much self respect and I finally know my own worth. Please believe me when I say you are strong and you have worth, and once you’re out you WILL find it again x

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks ladies. It is just so hard. I was meant to be going to an event with my best friend this weekend and now her boyfriend is coming too. So I said I will go to my parents instead and was honest with her why – she was really sad and begged me to come too, said they both want me there (which for some reason makes me feel worse). I feel so bad bailing on her just because I don’t want to be around a couple, but I’m doing anything I can to protect my own mental and emotional health, and it’s just making me feel so depressed. I just want to feel happy again, and I miss the companionship. I miss him so much but I know he is awful. I always listen to voice notes I sent my friends throughout our relationship where I sound so hurt and in so much pain, so it helps banish thoughts of a reconciliation but it’s all just too much sometimes especially with a court case looming over me 🙁

Why do we have to go through this and they just carry on with their lives like nothing has happened? It’s so unfair.

[colouringinfairy]

I’m exactly the same. I think I am just mentally and emotionally shut down. It sounds like you’ve got a guard up which is completely fair and reasonable at this time. I have too. It’s sad because all we want is to feel excitement and happiness – I haven’t felt that since my ex – and because we don’t we think there is something wrong with us. I think it is just our minds way of kicking into self protect mode. It takes a long time to really get to know someone so hopefully after a while of him being consistent and treating you well you will begin to relax and feel more comfortable. It’s all going to take time. You’ve been through trauma and that isn’t easy to heal from now matter how wonderfully someone treats you 🙁

[colouringinfairy]

Laugh! The ring is a fake just like him – and you deserve something real and beautiful. Thank god you’re out of that! Chin up x

[colouringinfairy]

Goodness me Had.enough! That is one of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard! Bet you are relieved you are shot of that idiot!

[Author]

Posts