Eggshells

[Eggshells]

Sorry, I have no idea why that has printed with all the coding.  Unfortunately, I can’t seem to edit or delete the post.

[Eggshells]

I think I’d be tempted to try and get some help.  Giving up your kids would be damaging for you and them in the long term.

Maybe contact the WA helpline. They may be able to point you in the direction of family support.

 

[Eggshells]

Oh, this is bad. You havd dealt with enough already without this type of discrimination.

Have you called Citizens Advice to see what your rights are?  I’d also be tempted to contacf my local MP if it was me. They may be able to help in sone one.

[Eggshells]

Hi Lifebegins

At the moment I can’t get universal credit (complex reasons) so I don’t qualify for any of the support around that.

A search online for free mentoring has drawn a blank so I’ll try the library; that’s a really good idea, thank you.

I’ll also see if I can cast out for funding from charities. I’ve found someone who seems really good and she specialises in moving people on from my specific profession but I can’t afford her atm.  There do seem to be some possible sources of funding out there though which I can look in to.

Many thanks for your support and for remembering who I am. xx 🫂

[Eggshells]

I know exactly what you mean.

When I was in an abusive relationship there was lots of support around how valuable I was, what I should expect from a loving relationship, what was not OK in a relationship. I felt very supported and it gave me the confidence to leave.

Once I’d left the support vanished.  My IDVA called once in a blue moon, I had no help or support with housing, money or getting a job – all which I desperately needed.

I had (detail removed by Moderator) different addresses in 2 years and was officially homeless (detail removed by Moderator). I ended up, at one point, living with my abusive mother.

Once I’d left all support (except NHS counselling) dropped away.

There was no safety net and I felt duped.

The only advice I can give you is:

1. Don’t go back.

2. Accept that there will be a period of hardship and the support services wont support you.  Forge forward and find your own way. It is long and it’s exhausting but it’s better than abuse.

I don’t feel that the support agencies have any idea what women really need.

I have never, ever been asked for client feedback except for feedback on how this forum helped and that was only to help secure funding.

[Eggshells]

Hi Better-days

Your first steps would be:

Housing advice. Your Local dv charity should be able to help you with this and with a safe exit plan. Your local authority has a duty to rehouse you if you are leaving an abusive relationship. Your Local dv charity or women’s aid should be able to talk you through the process and get you out safely. Some charities will offer practical support with forms and liason. You can find your local dv charity from the WA directory. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/ Leaving is the most dangerous time for women – even if the abuse has not previously been physical so you should not let him know your plans until you have left.

Get legal advice. As nbumblebee said, some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation and from experience the half hour is best used to interview the solicitor to try and ensure you get a good one.

Line up friends and relatives who would be prepared to have you and the kids. You may experience a period of homelessness. This is not as terrifying as it sounds, especially if you have supportive friends/family. It can actually be a lifeline of support. Choose carefully though. Some friends may let you down if they find it hard to believe he’s abusive.

Put an overnight bag together and keep it somewhere safe. (Maybe with a friend or stored somewhere he won’t look). Include a change of clothes and toiletries but also include important documents e.g. passports, birth certificates, NI number, council tax bill (proof of address), marriage certificate if you have one, phone charger. Once you’ve made the decision to go he may sense a change in you and his behaviour may become erratic. You probably won’t need a rapid exit but have a bag ready just in case.

It sounds like a lot of first steps but they are manageable. Packing a bag takes 30 mins and once you’ve got the ball rolling with the other three things, they just sort of tick along.

Finally, stay in touch with the forum. It was my lifeline – literally at some points.

Big hugs.

[Eggshells]

If you’ve said no then you have made it very clear you do not consent. It’s rape.

[Eggshells]

Mine used to drive fast when he was angry – over 100mph with the kids in the car. He did it deliberately aa a punishment and control technique. I later learned that it is quite a common abusive behaviour.

[Eggshells]

I think he wants you to 100% believe he’s changed. It sounds like he’s doing a convincing job. They’re very good at that. Mine even went as far as pretending to go to counselling and telling me all about the conversations he claimed to have had. I totally believed him even though I did, at one point, question if he’d checked the counsellors qualifications because the counsellor seemed to be making excuses for his behaviour. He exploded at that but even then, I still believed that he was genuinely trying to change.

Try to step back a little. Treat everything he says and does with a healthy dose of scepticism (dont let on though). You might see things differently.

I understand why you feel you have to remain as his carer – you don’t! If he genuinely needs a carer, agencies are available.

[Eggshells]

Yes, I stuck with my partner for the sake of the children. In hindesight it was a terrible mistake. He controlled so much of their lives to the extent that they both landed in adult life with GCSEs, A Levels and degrees that they didn’t want and not a clue what they wanted to do with their lives. My eldest was suicidal at one point. My youngest still has panic attacks.

If I had my time again I hope I’d understand what was happening abit better and get my kids out of there.

[Eggshells]

Yup. We really haven’t progressed much. Same old stuff that Jane Austin and the Brontes wrote about 300 years ago.

[Eggshells]

Hi @Myname

If you haven’t already done so, it might be worth trying the freedom programne.

Also, I can’t remember for sure but I think the recommendation is that you don’t go into another relationship for 2 years after leaving an abusive partner.

To be honest, I’ve been out much longet than this and I know I’m still not ready because I’m still very over sensitive to anything that could potentially be a red flag.

If you are both happy tovremain friends then why not keep it that way whilst you take a little more time to heal.

[Eggshells]

Thanks. I will. I’m out so life is much simpler and safer for me now. Take care xx

[Eggshells]

You haven’t messed anything up. I can take several attempts to successfully leave and abusive relationship. WA understand that very well and they understand the reasons why. Don’t look back, ust focus on what you need to do now. xx

[Eggshells]

I’m not sure why I didn’t experience this problem when I left because I was definately trauma bonded during my relationship with my ex.

Struggles with trauma bonding are about missing the dopamine hit that comes in the making up period after an explosion. So I googled natural ways to replace dopamine and spent lots of time and energy on this.

For me it was daily walks in nature which I think made the biggest difference. I also changed my diet, did daily mindful mediations (just 5 mins can help – try ‘Insight Timer’) and created an empowering playlist of music which I played regularly to remind me that I was a strong, independent woman with a new, free life. I also kept a special notebook and aimed to write down one thing that I was grateful for every day. This got easier as I got the hang of it and I ended up with lots to write.

Try Googling natural ways to increase dopamine. If it doesn’t help the so be it but it definately wont do any harm. xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Supersonic

It may be difficult to see it but you still have so much to live for.

Like you, I had a very difficult childhood then a very difficult marriage. My mother and my partner were both abusive.

I’ve been at rock bottom ((detail removed by Moderator)) and I can promise you, there is still plenty to live for. You may just need a little help to see it.

Please see your GP if you haven’t already done so. You may need a little help pulling yourself out of this and re-imagining your future.

If you feel unsafe with your thoughts please phone 999.

In my experience, this real low will pass and you can get yourself in a better and happier place. 🫂

[Eggshells]

Your feelings are very normal. Talking to someone who is employed to look after survivors of abuse is a bit like taking the first real step to accepting that you are actually suffering abuse and that is a massive thing to take on board. Deep down, you know what’s going on but the idea of having an expert confirm it can feel quite confronting.

All I can say is that I felt the same before I first spoke to a professional but after that conversation I just felt a huge sense relief.

It sounds as though your partner may be gas lighting you. I would recommend that you get a discreet digital voice recorder. It really opened my eyes to be able to play back conversations and hear him say things that he later denied saying and to hear how he twisted and turned the narrative to confuse me.

I hope your conversation with WA is helpful. They are your advocates and they will understand exactly what’s going on. xx

[Eggshells]

It’s lovely isn’t it – that freedom. I was just thinking about this today. I posted about this before. I’d worn a Christmas jumper and put anti-freeze in my screenwash. Small things that I was never allowed to do with him. I also got myself a cat (which wasn’t allowed( and I’ve just bought a (detail removed by moderator) car – (detail removed by moderator) cars were a no-no. I smile everytime I see it. 😁

Enjoy those lovely meals. xx

[Eggshells]

I have 2 children, both now young adults They both have symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder. My youngest in particular can struggle with crippling anxiety and panic attacks when he is away from home. It started after I left their father. They rarely see him now but he does phone them quite regularly. My youngest still seems quite frightened of him and they both find telephone conversations with him quite difficult and stressful. Neither feel that they can cut contact with him. Any advice please?

[Eggshells]

Hi

Well done for getting out.

If you want to fly beneath your abuser’s radar, here are some suggestions that might help.

Change your name by enrolled deed poll.
Change your name on or get new bank accounts.
Change your passport.
Change your drivers licence.
Change your address on your log book (if you have a car).
Apply to register to vote anonymously.
Change your email address.
Change your phone number (online sites offer a tracing service using your mobile number – they look to see which cell your phone has pinged).
Delete your social media accounts. Dont open any new ones that make links through mutual friends or locations. If you do open any social media accounts lock them down to friends only.
Be very circumspect about who you share your new ID / addresses with. I found snakes in the grass.

It sounds like alot but it’s not difficult. The hardest part for me was changing my name because I dont know what to change it too. My maiden name is too obvious for him to find me.

Wishing you the best xx

[Eggshells]

Yes, it is just things but sadly that wont stop you worrying. Non of this is fair, it never is with an abuser.

Once you are safe you can apply for an occupation order and get him out of the house. You could even apply now.

I read that you can apply for a no notice order and have him out of the house in 24 hours if you are considered to be at risk of harm. If you do this, definately go to your Mum’s whilst it all procesesses and perhaps also apply for a non-mol order.

You can apply for both through the government website for free but you may be charged for actually serving the orders.

You can take your power back but the process might feel very scary for you – or any survivor of abuse. Maybe have a think about it. Big hugs. xx

[Eggshells]

Please dont worry about the money @ocean20 I know it’s one of the things that keeps us anchored and yes, you may go through a period of financial stress which can be really tough. Lots of us have experienced financial hardship – food banks etc but personally, I can say it was worth it for my safety and freedom.

You will probably find your are tougher than you realise (when he isn’t around making you constantly fearful).

If you have already called the police, you may need to leave sooner rather than later. Do you have an emergency bag ready?

Please do consider telling your mother. If you are close she will want to help and support you, even if it’s by putting you up on the couch. I understand that you want to protect her from the worry. I wanted to protect my Dad and various other people, including my abusive partner. Then my counsellor pointed out “There’s alot of protection going on. Who’s protecting you?” It made me stop and reconsider my position.

It’s time to take care of you now.

[Eggshells]

Hi @Llama12

I wish I had answers that you would like to hear. Unfortunately, I don’t.

I’ve been around the forum for a good few years now and have heard about supportive inlaws before. Honestly, when push comes to shove, they tend to choose their sons, even when they know their son is wrong. I honestly dont think that they are best placed to support you.

And your partner does already know that this is not a healthy relationship. There’s a book called “Why does he do that”. It clearly demonstrates that not only do these men know their behaviour is wrong but they actually orchestrate what they do to engender your fear of their behaviour. It ensures that you behave in the way they want you to behave because you have learnt to fear their response if you don’t. His violence is designed to contol you. And he knows it is wrong but it serves him well so he’ll keep on doing it. That wont change.

If there is a recent report of violence to the police, this could help you to secure orders such as occupation and non-molestation orders. These could get him out of the house whilst you divorce him.

But, I would advise you to leave before he has the oppotunity to be violent again. Take legal advise ASAP. Yes, he will make it as difficult and as exprnsive for you as he possibly can but your safety is far more important than money or bricks and mortar.

[Eggshells]

Ok, let’s think about positive ways forward; beating yourself up over this is not a positive step and it will only cloud your judgement.

First of all, you need to try and get your ex’s voice out of your head and be objective about yourself, if possible. His past criticisms of you are not helpful.

The length of time that you are out of an abusive relationship is less important than the amount of work you do to really get to know yourself.

You are not going to be perfect – non of us are – but knowing your strengths and your imperfections can be really helpful in dispelling any myths that your ex created about (what he would have you believe) is your ‘dark side’.

Have a think about whether or not you and your kids are ready for a new relationship and, if you are, what kind of relationship are you ready for? Then going forward, how can you manage that relationship without it driving a wedge between you and your children.

Maybe an honest chat with your kids about how they feel about things would be helpful. Remember, they need to recover too and they’ll likely have some very confusing thoughts swirling around their heads.

You have said that you are now off your anti-depressants. That is a huge step and indicates that you have made progress in your healing. Please dont let this plunge you back into the abyss. Take time to clear your head so that you can work out a rational, helpful response to the situation rather than an emotional, knee jerk response that might be more about past traumas than present reality.

[Eggshells]

Yes, if you Google ‘NHS Talking Therapies’ there will be a link to your local NHS counselling service.

There are no miracle cures I’m afraid but a combination of time, repeated counselling, you tube and self help books are ways to lessen the impact on your daily life.

[Eggshells]

Every social worker, teacher, police officer and medical professional should be well versed in “Every Child Matters”. It is the bread and butter document that underpins Child safeguarding and it makes it very clear that it is everyone’s responsibility to keep children safe. If your social worker has made you feel that it is your responsibility alone and nothing to do with them then please refer up to their direct line manager.

The whole point of social workers is to keep people safe!

Please make the school aware of what is happening with your child and what social services are telling you.

You now have a text from him “(detail removed by Moderator)” implying that he has no intention of moderating his behaviour around your child. (detail removed by Moderator). Non-mol orders are not issued willy-nilly and they are a recognition that you and your children need protecting from him and that you cannot do that alone.

If social services still won’t support you after you have escalated to your social workers line manager, then call your MP.

[Eggshells]

There will be other jobs and other schools hon. You only get one life.

[Eggshells]

Unfortunately far too many police don’t care. It is one of the professions that has the highest number of abusers in it’s service.

They’re not trained properly in dv. The psychology around why survivors stay is not taught – it should be but it’s not. They just don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some outstanding dv police officers out there, my friend is one of them but society in general us still woefully uneducated about this issue. Progress is very, very slow.

If you haven’t already contacted your local dv charity, please do. Sone of them are really good and can help to support you.

[Eggshells]

Unfortunately it comes down to the officer who takes your case so experiences of police are very very mixed.

I’m going to be blunt here. I had loads of reasons not to leave. My kids, my home, my job, my friends all felt like ties.

In the end I was referred for MARAC. I didn’t want police involvement so I left. I left everything behind except my kids.

When you are ready to go you’ll go and nothing will impede that decision.

[Eggshells]

Lots of women wait for the big thing to push them. To be honest, I left in the end because staying was just unbearable. I just went to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks then never went back.

I’m not really sure what more advice I can give you as you seem pretty well prepared.

Do you have your documents? – birth certificate, passport, marriage certificate, NI number etc.

Also remember to take any precious photos etc if you can get them away without him noticing.

Draw your support network close and stay strong xx

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