Fallingleaves

[Fallingleaves]

Hi getting to know myself
I can really relate to your post. It’s a really confusing feeling and can be so distressing. I often look back and question myself and feel sad about it all even though I know deep down I was so unhappy for so long, and he was really threatening towards me (especially when I left) but in-between the rages he was “fine” although he was completely emotionally detached, always was looking back.
Anyway, the things that help me so far are: allowing myself to feel that grief and sadness, sometimes it’s worse when you try to fight it and say “what’s wrong with me, I should be happy it’s over” because there are always going to be “good times” that you miss.
Remind yourself of the bad times and the way he made you feel.
Also I’ve recently read a brilliant book that really confirmed to me that it was abuse, it’s called “Was it even abuse?” and it makes everything really clear, especially all the complicated emotions you’re talking about. It’s also really useful if your relationship wasn’t particularly physically violent as it goes in to all of the more nuanced things that we sometimes miss when we’re trying to tick off a list of what is abuse and what isn’t.
I’m over 4 years gone now and I still get the days where I wonder if I made it all up and what have I done, but they’re definitely much less frequent now!
Good luck xx

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you again nomorepain.
I’ve spoken to my new partner again and he is being supportive even though I know he would like to continue with the pregnancy.
Even knowing that I feel completely and utterly panicked still, just about the situation as a whole. I feel like a terrible person who’s about to do a terrible thing for selfish reasons 🙁
I keep trying to tell myself it’s my body and my decision but I just feel an overwhelming sense of shame and horribleness, I am prone to anxiety and my anxiety levels are pretty unmanageable. I feel like I just need everyone to tell me it’s going to be ok but I can’t believe it.
I even feel like I’m being manipulative to my current partner by telling him I can’t deal with it right now, like I’ve created this situation and now I’m trying to escape it and i’m doing something terrible. Maybe this is related to how I used to feel with my ex as I often hid things from him out of fear of his reaction.
I now know that my new partner would like to have children so I feel really heavy weight of responsibility 🙁 also I think a big part of it is i’m later in the fertile bit of my life so this might be the last chance to consider more children (I know women have children over 40 now though) but I know that I absolutely can’t face it, my mental health feels so unstable right now (I lost my mum earlier this year and I’m also grieving and generally trying to hold my shit together!)
Over all I just feel absolutely unable to concentrate on any other than this sense of awful dread every way that I turn :/ it’s reminding me of how I used to feel when I lived in survival mode all the time.
I also feel like I’m hiding big secrets from people although I know it’s no one else’s business but mine and my partners.
I guess bottom line I feel like there’s something massively wrong with me and guilty that I can’t feel happy about a pregnancy with someone I love when I was so miserable during pregnancy with my ex. But I also know that I can’t do this right now and have made my decision.
Sorry for such a long rant, it’s hard to know who to talk to, and speaking to people close to me makes it feel even more real and like a massive deal and I just want it to all go away 🙁

[Fallingleaves]

Thanks so much for your supportive reply nomorepain.
I’ve continued to feel so overwhelmed and like I definitely can’t cope with the idea of continuing with the pregnancy. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to focus on anything and have been managing panic attacks and waves of anxiety. I had a conversation with my partner tonight and tried to be as honest as I could, which was hard as as suspected he was much more in to the idea than I was 🙁
It’s really hard having those people pleasing tendency as I felt like I was trapped when I spoke to him and heard what he wanted, even though he wouldn’t pressure me into it, I immediately felt under pressure and scared to be honest, and like I owe him something. I’m so aware that these feelings are in relation to my ex and might make me hypersensitive, I just now realise that there is absolutely no way I can let myself be swayed from what is right for me and my children, it might work out fine but it would be a big gamble for my mental health right now and I have to look after myself and put my children first. After all, that is the running theme of life these days since I left my ex! It’s definitely a hard thing to do and I’m doubting myself even as I’m typing this. I do feel sad for him as he would be a great dad, but maybe in the future once things are more settled, I don’t know.
We have to make so many tough decisions as women don’t we :/

[Fallingleaves]

Hi gothT04

So sorry to hear you’re going through this and the horrible ways your partner is treating you. It’s such a scary and confusing time but I just wanted to say that you can do it. Gather advice, make plans, take whatever steps you need to feel prepared and look ahead to a brighter future. I know it can feel impossible but one day you will look back on this and be so grateful to be out.
I just wanted to say it’s totally normal to feel torn about leaving, I found it so so hard, and still do, as however badly they treat us we still care and worry about them, but just know that’s completely normal and part of the process, and doesn’t mean you should stay with them. You deserve to be treated kindly and with love.
Good luck

[Fallingleaves]

Really glad to come across your post Lightbulbmoment as I’ve also been having person centred therapy, which has been amazing for me, but same as you the situation I’m in hasn’t been labelled. Although my therapist has referenced domestic violence and non mol orders etc without actually being direct or giving advice. I’ve recently understood that this type of therapy they can’t give specific advice and avoid labels (which can be really helpful, but comes with its difficulties like you say)
Like you, I feel the need to have it validated and labelled, but the style of therapy has allowed me to trust myself and see the behaviour for what it is.
It does feel like a long process but I guess these things take time, but I also wish I knew at the beginning what to expect a bit more in terms of different styles of counselling.
I’m finding keeping up my person centred therapy and also talking on here really useful. I’ve also found a local support group which I haven’t been to yet but I imagine that will be helpful.
Good luck!

[Fallingleaves]

Hi tracker
This sounds very similar to my situation in some ways, so sorry you’re having to go through this.
You are 100% allowed to have a love life and be a mum, you deserve a happy and loving relationship. It’s so frustrating as I’m sure you want your daughter to be in your care the majority of the time (as I do with my two) but you’re the one having to juggle a life and work outside of that while they get to do whatever they want whenever they want.
I also have a new relationship and my ex is completely against me even letting him be around our children, he makes violent threats and says I have to drop them off to him if I want to see him. It’s so unreasonable and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Anyway, not much advice, just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m finding the situation so depressing, but keep the faith that it won’t always be like this.

I would say be as honest as you can with your new partner about the situation. You might be worried that it will put him off or worry him, but if he’s supportive and wants to be with you he’ll stick by you and work through the situation with you. He also has every right to report your ex’s threats to the police (even if they’re being sent through you) I haven’t done this but I will if my ex threatens me or my new partner again. I don’t feel like he can even come to my house for a cup of tea incase my ex finds out. I know by not doing it I’m letting him control me but it’s so hard to get out of the habit of just doing anything to keep the peace 🙁

As for the childcare situation that does sound tricky. He has absolutely no right to tell you want you can and can’t do in your own time, and you deserve time to yourself as being a single parent is hard enough (without unsupportive and threatening behaviour)
I guess if he continues to be difficult then push for the child maintenance and potentially use this money for childcare to take him out of the equation? Have you any trusted friends of family that would help with some childcare? I hate asking people but I’ve realised that there are more people out there than I think that do want to help.

Good luck and I hope you can enjoy your time with your new partner in a loving relationship, you deserve it! x

[Fallingleaves]

So useful to hear your input and replies, thank you.
Glad to know it’s not just me, just like you’ve all said, I feel like I’m in a constant argument with myself about accepting what’s happened/happening and holding him to account.
The hangover is definitely long!
When I think of things from an outsider point of view it’s clear that it’s all abuse. Its like my brain is always on the look out for a get out clause though, like when I read about abuse I’ll latch on to one thing and go “well he didn’t do that, so maybe I didn’t have it so bad, and I’m wrong” Sometimes I feel really resolute, especially after I’ve spoken to my therapist, or posted on here, but I find it so so easy to be thrown off track and not stick to my guns.
After a period of threats and abuse he’s in what I call a quiet period, ignoring that it happened, no apology, just gone quiet. It’s having to communicate about the children that really pulls me back all the time.
Also I’ve noticed more and more that just the wider idea in society of what abuse is can be quite hard to battle. My social circle and some family and his family growing up and during my relationship was very what I’d call tough I guess, I come from a working class area with a bit of an underworldy aspect, and in that world violence and aggressive behaviour are pretty “normal” to everyone involved. This is also why I find it hard to label it as abuse and report anything to the police as that’s just not the world I’m from. Though the further I remove myself the more I can see that this isn’t “normal” just that it’s what I’ve been used to.
Sorry, digressing again!
I guess my observation and what I’m realising is it the nature of abusive relationships and the reason they’re so difficult to get clarity and successfully move on from is that it can be both very textbook but also so many factors like our upbringing, their upbringing, societies messages etc etc make it all so confusing and difficult to disentangle.
I’m trying my best to keep minimal contact with my ex, text childcare arrangements only, and then put him out of my mind, but I’m so aware that he still affects everything I think about, it’s so tiring! But feel like being aware is the first step to changing that without beating myself up about it.
It’s so useful to hear everyone else’s stories and perspectives, thank you again.

[Fallingleaves]

Sorry, I meant to say also, his behaviour really does sound abusive. Especially if you’ve been pointed to these services by a number of different people from outside the situation.
I know it sounds simple, and it will feel much more complex than this, but it sounds like you do need space away from him. Especially if you’re trapped in a cycle, and you said you don’t feel like you know who you are anymore. I felt just like that. It’s so hard to make decisions for yourself when you’re stuck in survival mode every day.

[Fallingleaves]

Drowningdrowning, your post really struck a chord with me, and it was brave of you to post it and own up to these things that you’re obviously feeling very guilty about.
I’m a few years out of what I would now call and abusive relationship.
During our long relationship I am not proud to say that I emotionally, and sometimes physically, cheated on my partner.
Like you, I was so ashamed and really felt like it was out of character, and was so so terrified of my partner finding out.
But I was so unhappy, my partner was so emotionally cold to me, I was often anxious around him and didn’t feel like I could be myself. So really I feel like I was trying to escape from thwt and desperately trying to find the love and understanding that he was unable to give me.
i know some people will see that in a very black and white way and judge me for it, and that i was the one in the wrong, or i shouldve just left him and not cheated but i felt so trapped, so alone and so devoid of love and affection. the irony was i would much of rather I was getting it from him than anyone else I got involved with.

You don’t sound like you’re making excuses, you sound like you’re trying to understand why this happened. It’s also hard when you feel so ashamed and guilty of these things because you can allow yourself to take all the blame or responsibility for other things that are going on.

I still look back and wonder if it was me with the problem, but I can see that we both had different types of problems and his was his abusive behaviour. I’m now in a happy stable relationship with someone I can communicate openly and honestly with and can never imagine cheating on them.
Therapy has helped me massively with recognising where my low self worth was coming from and I feel like I’m starting to know who I am again.

I hope that helps you feel less alone. And thank you for posting as it’s made me feel like someone has had a similar experience.

[Fallingleaves]

Lisa, crazy daisy and hereforhelp

Thank you so much for your replies. It is so so helpful and reassuring. It’s taken me a long long time to move away from taking blame for everything to starting to realise that I’m actually allowed to be happy, to want happiness and to want love without feeling guilty and ashamed. (The guilt comes sometimes still!) so these replies are really helpful to keep me on track. It’s so easy to get thrown down that shame spiral and take all responsibility when the abuse flares up, but every time it happens I manage to trust myself and stick up for myself that little bit more.
I’m attempting zero contact apart from very short written messages to arrange pick ups and drop offs, and dealing with his mum for anything else, so far so good. Still feel very hurt and angry that he couldn’t let me grieve in peace but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
Thank you again x

[Fallingleaves]

Hi SummertimeFoxgloves

I feel similarly still anxious around my ex of a few years and he definitely still has control of my emotions sometimes. Old habits die hard as they say! Try not to be too hard on yourself, I bet you deal with them better than you have in the past even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
I find it so hard sometimes, like it feels like I’m still in the relationship. Therapy has massively helped me to start to be able to notice my emotions without judging myself.
I feel similarly about my 2 young children, and although he is caring towards them I know they will see his behaviour towards other people and be on the end of it at some point when they’re older I’m sure. I also feel guilty about that BUT we’re still in a much better position to teach them how to deal with notice and deal with abusive behaviour, and remember just by being separated from him that they won’t have to see you be IN the abusive situation, which would have far more of an affect. I try to (without directing it at their dad or naming him) model and teach them what is and isn’t caring/kind/abusive etc so that they will be able to recognise and hopefully deal with it if they have to.
It’s so hard not to feel guilty with children involved but you’ve already done the best thing for them by removing yourself from the situation and trying to look after your own mental health. X

[Fallingleaves]

Hi Mellow, totally understand what you’re saying. It’s been well over (detail removed by Moderator) years since I left him so I do feel like I’ve left it long enough. I can understand him being upset, but if I don’t move on with my life then surely im still being controlled by him? It’s also been my default for a long time to take all of the responsibility on for how he’s feeling and how he reacts etc, so im really trying to fight against that. Surely whatever mistakes anyone makes it doesn’t excuse threatening and
Violent behaviour?
I totally get he’s upset and hurt, but I’ve also been upset and hurt by things that he’s done and have worked through that myself, not by threatening him and the people around him.

[Fallingleaves]

Well done for telling him no contact, it’s really hard to do that and fight against feeling responsible for his actions and the guilt that comes with it all but you did the right thing. I’ve just started no contact with my ex because otherwise we seem to be in same old patterns. Good luck and stay strong 💪🏻

[Fallingleaves]

Hi twisted sister!
I’ve read one of these but not the other so I will do, thank you, the book I mentioned also references both these writers and books in her writing as important things to read too xx

Also while I’m here, I just wanted to say how much I admire all of the considered, supportive and measured replies you always give on the forums, I always see your name come up and you always have such wise and supportive things to say. I don’t post a lot but I always notice it when I’m reading through xx

[Fallingleaves]

You’re welcome hope it helps!

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