freedomtochoose

[freedomtochoose]

I think and feel this is a really, really important step with the wardrobe.

Do you know, I have a door on my child’s wardrobe that I can’t fix.

It is a considerable achievement of yours. and to be celebrated I believe.

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

I think and feel this is a really, really important step with the wardrobe.

Do you know, I have a door on my child’s wardrobe that I can’t fix.

It is a considerable achievement of yours. and to be celebrated I believe.

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

hello again lilypink,

I don’t mean to sound simplistic or offensive at all,
but refuge workers said this to me at some point.
It is time to put your boxing gloves on. Morally.

There is something possible that is better than this and with building your self-esteem
we can help you fight for it.

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Personally, I think the whole notion of ‘co-dependency’ should be questioned and analysed.

It is a million dollar industry, writing and researching and analysing so-called ‘co-dependency’ personally I think labelling things this way actually prevents people, including so-called professionals looking deeper at issues such as Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma bonding and so on.

But then my core is person-centred, so Carl Rogers would look at our experiences as they are, and not the label. Which makes complete sense to me with women who are experiencing abuse, as it can crop up in so many different forms…

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

It is really a strategic thing.

What I was trying to say, is that if you dont have a PSO then you can move. You can move your kids and make the transition.

The trick comes in doing it before your ex manages to get the PSO in.

Wonder if you get my jist?

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Sorry to disagree, but refuges nowadays acknowledge psychological and mental abuse, of course.
So it does not matter if you are not at risk of physical violence.
WA recognise there are many forms of abuse
all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Please remember that you always have choices around how much you want to share.
This is known as client autonomy.
There is no requirement to share more than you feel ready to share, or you wish to.
all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

hello daisy do, it’s very hard,
typos here too as my fingers not 100 per cent…

diymum is spot on I feel,
perhaps the way of making it most clear for you in your head is that – imagine what you would say to your own daughter if she were, heaven forbid, in the same situation you are now…

no doubt you would be making it clear that it is possible, you don’t have to wait and that you would support her in her deciisons…so that is what we are here for…isn’t it? maybe to strengthen your self-talk?
perhaps you could imagine different scenarios for yourself, no doubt fizz might help on law of attraction?

When we are tired, lonely and living with an abusive person it is difficult to imagine there are any, don’t suppose you get much time to yourself with four kids….

but there are, really.

the middle way between staying and going might be renting a place for a while, to get some space in yrou head…as soon as you separate…you can look at the legal issues.

can’t remember if you are married, but divorce wise we can talk you through it eemotionally,

in a different household nad separated, yes, it is a transition on benefits etc but it is doable…and won’t you feel great being able to lock the door behind you and snuggle up in your own bed.

all the best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

the reason is, I believe, they are trying to groom your child.
So sorry to say this so bluntly, but I believe from what you said, it is true
lean on other ladies on here for support
keep posting
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

oh brill love I am so happy for you,
sending virtual hug and bunch of flowers
there is hope for the rest of us,
especially me
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

And why, oh why lilypink are they seeing your chld without your there?
is there acourt order in place?
If not, please take back control,
don’t allow it
keep your child close, close, close.
all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

lilypink.
Please understand I am posting briefly because I am trying to understand and advise you on what must come first.

Please understand I know your experience is not my experience, but your experience sounds remarkably similar to mine.

I left for refuge some years ago.

Reason being amongst other things I was emotionally abused by ex, but also abused by his birth family, who operated very much like you are descrxibing as a pack of prianhas trying to take parental responsibility off me, or at least smash my self-esteem.

It is half ten at night, but I would not want any other woman to suffer as I did.

So I’m asking you to lean on us the other women on here, and the moderator.

We can help you.

I want to ask you why they are seeking to take away your power and care as a mum.

I think personally there is only one reason why they would do this. And the reason is very dark indeed.

Please take back control

You are your child’s mum.

You have parental responsibility.
(detail removed by moderator)

But there is not reason, legal, personal or otherwise why they should be trying to make you feel this way.

Please, please try to get your child out of it.

From one who knows.

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

thank you fizz for this post, I could have written it myself.
babes steps
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

(removed by moderator)
main thing you and your child are safe
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[freedomtochoose]

I can’t agree more. You leave and believe me, miracles will come your way.
Especially in refuge.
Some of the best people went there. other options include dentist appointments, cervical smear tests and rouitine medication reviews…
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Just to make myself clear, you need to leave first and sort all else later…
at least in my humble opinion
I’ve done this journey with a small child x

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, despite everything, looking back I felt fortunate. I really did.
Some apparently just offer the women rooms and leave them to get on with it.
We had a children’s worker and support workers, as fierce as fxxk and really got on your nerves sometimes, but they were top notch.

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Hey Mojo, great user name, getting your mojo back well done for posting,

my instincts go to your saying that you fear he will do a prohibitive steps order is that right?

Just to clarify, he hasn’t yet. Is that right?

If that is right, I can’t see anything to stop you moving away right now this second, with the help of Women’s Aid. Please phone them.

Getting to safety for you and your little one a priority.

All else can be sorted, step by step later.

Yes, it is a leap in the dark. But my guess is you are entitled to much more of your assets than you think.

When it comes down to it though, how much is the safety of yourself and your little one worth.

You can rebuild June is a good time if any to leave.
You have the summer holidays to sort yourselves, can still apply for a new school/play group for your small one, and off you go in the autumn. Job, college course, whatever moves you forward…

all best warmest wishes
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Much later I was told that refuges vary enormously in the help and support they offer.
No doubt with funding cuts austerity etc, things are not what they used to be.
still, we rise again…
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Insightful post TS.
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

I’m not sure if you mean me or Fizz, maybe both of us have (removed by moderator) knowledge of this.

Here is my take on it, having researched very recently and with my knowledge and lived experience of domestic abuse…this might be triggering so if you are finding it so, please think twice about reading…this

It is more or less the same as what some others are saying from lived experience – yes, the theory is basically that it is parts of our brain going off – when someone (a so-called professional) – telling us they shouldn’t.

But the key is – that sadly, many so-called professionals (as ladies have already said here on this board) – don’t have the specialised knowledge of da. Most importantly, they don’t have inside knowledge of our abusers. (thanks goodness they don’t bless them). I believe though many abusers are similar, deep down maybe we know what it is that they might choose as their behaviour next? Because we know the pattern?

An example, and this is non-identifying as I am sure others have had similar experiences in refuge:

When first in refuge, before going into town for the first time – I was required to complete a risk assessment for the trip with my support worker.

To do that, she actually asked me what exactly was it that I was afraid of. For me this, was, and is, a helpful question.

At the time I said that I was afraid that my child would be snatched if I dropped my guard for one second. So we put a plan in place whereby when I went into supermarkets etc I would be aware of where the security guards were, and I had a plan of action ready, for the worst case scenario.

For an average woman, without our experiences (or mine) – it may not cross their minds to do that in the supermarket. Or anywhere else. Would they? At least not to that extent….?

At the time and for some time afterwards there were moments when I felt paranoid about thinking this and behaving like that.

However, when I looked back, I realised that it was understandable and sensible given my ex’s behaviour at the time and that of people he knew. These facts only came to light some time afterwards.

And I didn’t have a court order in place at the time, so my fear was rational. If someone had done that, it would have been extremely difficult to get her back, if not impossible without a court order.

So what I am basically saying is, as others have said on this thread, it depends on why you are doing what you are doing. Even for a therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse – it would be easy to dismiss – by saying that parts of our brain are being over active when they don’t need to be.

So I would go with what Flowerchild said ‘it depends’. Even therapists don’t have the knowledge we have. That’s what person centre counselling is about. The experience, power and knowledge of the person they are speaking to. I’m sure, sadly, sadly that some dangers for people like us and our kids have, and are being missed because our gut instincts are not always listened to carefully enough.

Going forward, when I am bothered about being scared, I try to do what the refuge worker did with me. Do a risk assessment on myself for a particular situation. I find it helps. It may not help others…that I understand. At the time it was actually quite healing to do one with the support worker, as they were so compassionate about my fears that in itself helped. And so posting on here about a particular challenge like this, being listened to and trying to work it out is very important I feel.

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

From what you are saying KIP I think these are sensible safety measures. I really do.

Don’ want to be triggering to anybody but a friend of mine was once attacked after she put the
bins out, someone crept into her flat and she had left the door unlocked whilst going in to the yard.

Im not sure why therapist would expect you not to do these things.

try to see my hypervigilance as a gift. I was talking to a young woman on a train once – whose dad was a fire fighter. When they grew up – he went round the whole house every night checking appliances were unplugged.

Once, I smelt burning, called emergency services. No sign of flames. 15 rather hunky firefighers in my living room later – still no sign of flames. Babes in arms. The the supervisor hauled a machine into the back yard. Came inside and gave me a burned out part, it had been just about to burst into flames…right underneath the gas boiler…

hypervigilance or gut instinct and intuition (?) I think it was the later two.

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Hey Benson, well done for posting. That sounds really tough

TRy to be kind to yourself. Remember self-care, things you might do to cope with nightmares etc.
Phone 116 123 if you are scared in the night, light a candle, try writing your dreams down if you can bear it. Think of your sisters on here hon.

you sound as if you are an amazing mum.

we go through phases. sure ladies on here will have concrete things to say about what has happened and what to do.

thinking of you, bless you

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

well done, overcome. (the clue is in the name…)

Ladies on here so proud of you.

there is a better life ahead…

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Thank you for sharing this here. I’m not really in head space to offer much right now but didn’t want to read and run. Sure other ladies will support. (Detail of local service removed by moderator). 
thinking of you. you deserve a medal
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

sorry if this a bit off topic was thinking of starting new thread about battling mental health stigma which I might do tomorrow as I think it might be a helful space for lost of people…

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

Lots of people with PTSD and chronic PTSD and also comlex trauma are out there functioning in the world.

It is just a label when it comes down to it.

Which may be useful, on occasion, but also for some it evokes prejudice just like any other disabilty which can be led back to basically lack of understanding.

there are many who say mental health is a continuum and not an extreme scale.. and we all move up and down the scale at various points in our lives…

(detail removed by moderator) alone there were two people at least who defined themselves as having PTSD. I have also known one other person with complex trauma,

none of us considered it to be somehow the end of the line…but it was a process of trying to find those things that helped and also – explain to others how our experiences might be different from theirs..

all best
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

we are so proud of you fc.
imagine a future a few years on.
you can do it
ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

sorry that sounded a bit cold wasn’t meant that way
it is awful what happened with your mum

and also awful that your ex used that against you.
mine was similar…

they use anything against us, no morals.

ftc
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[freedomtochoose]

and to you also,
just also remember diy mum of course PTSD and complex trauma are diagnostic labels…
according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuual V. which is what doctors use to
categorise things and people.

There is much criticism of these labels, although they can be useful when accessing support…

Some therapists such as Carl Rogers founder of person-centred counselling would simple say we are where we are in the process of post-traumatic growth…

and brains do recover…brain plasticity is an amazing thing

ftc
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