Hawthorn

[Hawthorn]

Keep putting one foot in front of the either nbumblebee, you’re being so strong. Ignore that PT, he’s a personal trainer, not a psychologist,or even a person educated about the dynamics of abuse. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Really really well done for opening up to your counsellor and your mum. That took so so much bravery. You are so brave, even though you might not feel it. Bravery is feeling the fear and pushing through it. You have done that time and again and will continue to do so. So very proud of you.

Some specialist support could make all the difference to you. Maybe try to consider reaching out to your local DA service. They won’t push you into doing anything but you really deserve additional support. I understand how challenging that might feel, not only in moving closer to acknowledging that what your experiencing is abuse, but also in allowing yourself to believe that you are worthy and deserving of support, just as much as anyone else.

And you do deserve support. We are all here for you, whatever you decide. Sending love and light on your hero’s journey xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Takingbackmylife,
Just wanted to let you know I could’ve written your story word for word. The verbal abuse, the shrinking of myself, the isolation from my friends, the feeling of having turned into an unrecognisable version of myself, the felling of being entirely hollowed out I side, that I had nothing left. That I was nothing.

I too left a gilded cage- a beautiful home in a lovely area, holidays, cars, pets, fairytale wedding…it all means nothing when you’re soul is being crushed. I also left because whatever I could decide to endure, once I recognised the abuse for what it was (and that took him strangling me) I knew I couldn’t bring a child who had no choice into that situation. And so it was to stay and die by his hand or my own, or escape. And escape I did. The hardest and bravest thing I have ever done or will do.

So I can tell you with the benefit of afew years of freedom- this choice will change and shape you in ways you can’t imagine. It took me lots of counselling and peer support- both here and through my local DA service- time, and lots of hard work on myself, but I am happier now, more at peace and more contented with my life than I could ever have imagined being, even before my abuser- and I had a good life then. I have a new home, new pets, a new job, a great social life with friends old and new, and a lovely warm relationship with a very different kind of man.

This is such a difficult time for you, and there will be dark times ahead as you begin to process all you’ve endured, but we women who survive both in and out of domestic abuse have superhero strength, that’s why those weak charactered abusers choose us. And you will survive this, and thrive. Reach out for support and know that you are not alone. “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft is an incredible resource, and the pdf is available free online.

Sending you love and light on your hero’s journey xxx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Happybelle,

I escaped afew years ago and came on to post something in positive moments, so hope this helps 🙂

The first year particularly was very difficult. I left my home, pets, job, everything. Physically, mentally and emotionally I was a shell of myself by the time I left. I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror at times.

I read everything I could about abuse and recovery. Reached out to my local DA service, who were exceptional. Went to group and individual counselling and worked through a huge amount of pain. There were weeks and months at a time when I felt I’d never recover or be happy again, that the wounds of the past would never leave me, and would always feel raw.

But bit by bit I healed.

I now have a new home, new pets and a large social circle of friends, old and new. I have a good job and my money is my own to do what I want with. I have loads of energy, but most importantly I am at peace. In my home, and in my mind. I sleep like a baby and can calm myself when things get stressful. I’m a far more empathetic person than I was before my relationship, by I’ve learned boundaries. I’m only responsible for my own emotions.

And in this happy, settled space I have met someone lovely. We are taking things very slowly as despite all the time I took in healing, being in a relationship again, or even the thoughts and emotional upheaval of it initially, brought up alot of buried pieces I needed to work through. My space and independence are too hard worn to give up easily. But the relationship is respectful, kind and gentle and makes me happy. Plus I fancy him rotten, lol! And no matter whether we stay together for a long or a short time it has been a positive experience for me and another step on my journey.

Escaping my abusive relationship was the hardest thing I will probably ever do. I only left because I would be dead otherwise, by his hand or my own. And it was very nearly my own. I couldn’t imagine another future, and leaving was a leap into the dark.

I’ll never make a bigger or braver leap again. There is a life free of control, of stress, of fear, of eggshells waiting for you. Its not easy to find, but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Take care all you strong ladies, whether you’re living in it or have escaped. You have superhero strength, and you are not alone ❤ 💙 ♥

[Hawthorn]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. The confusion in the early stages after escaping is so tough. And the sadness. All those hopes and dreams of what our relationships could have been. But in reality, were not.

You say you’re fighting the urge to ask him to come back and see what it’s like….I would gently suggest you already know what it’s like? The cycle of abuse goes round and round. He’ll be just nice enough, for just long enough to draw you back in, then the abuse will start again. Even doing the course was “to make you happy”. You are not responsible for his behaviour, good or bad. If he truly desired to change he would need to accept full responsibility for his own actions, realise what he did by losing his temper with the children was wrong, and want to make a change because of that. In your heart of hearts do you believe that to be the case?

I remembercthe early days after I left. I didn’t think my abuser was acting intentionally either. And yet he saw over and over how his behaviour affected me, how upset I was, how depressed I became, and yet he continued.

Your abuser knows you are vulnerable and is trying to hoover you back into the relationship. Dr Ramani on youtube has some great videos about this stage of the cycle. Reach out for support, here and to anyone you trust. And try to distract yourself if you can. Rather than thinking about him maybe a little ritual for your beloved pet?

I’m so very sorry to hear about your (removed by moderator), and sending a really big hug. Keep reaching out, you are so strong. This too will pass xxx

[Hawthorn]

Hi there,

So sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. The honeymoon phase is so difficult and painful when you become aware of what it truly is; the means an abuser uses to keep us trapped in the abusive relationship. In my mind it’s nearly worse than the bad phases as it proves its not that they can’t control themselves or don’t know how to treat us well- it’s that they choose not to. They will be just nice enough (no more) to make us question ourselves enough to stay.

We don’t leave an abusive relationship- we escape it. Our brains crave what’s normal to them and fear change, even if that normal is abuse, and change would mean safety…and our bodies become addicted to the hormonal surges of the highs and lows caused by living in fear. And so escape is like breaking a drug addiction.

Your feelings are normal, but try to listen to your head. You are aware you are frightened of him. Loving him won’t make him change or make you safe. Try to be gentle with yourself, yes leaving will be painful, but gives you an opportunity for a happy ending…staying is also painful as it means more of the same and the sad thing is abuse almost always gets worse, not better.

As to why abusers abuse; because they can. They feel entitled to have their needs met and crave power and control over their partners- not a reciprocal relationship. Imagine living in a world where you were never wrong or made a mistake, where everything that went wrong in your life was the fault of someone else. What possible motivation would you have to change? Those are the beliefs held by those who abuse others, and the reason why they almost never change. If you haventvread Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That I can’t recommend it highly enough. Its available to read for free online.

Reach out to women’s aid and your gp for specialist support if you haven’t already. The confusion you feel is a normal response to being abused. Sending a big hug xx

[Hawthorn]

Sorry to hear things are so tough for you Gettingtired. Going from a place where he is the centre of your life and every minute not at work is spent catering to his every whim to contemplating leaving him is unsurprisingly very overwhelming. Try to be gentle with yourself.

Could you consider taking some baby steps towards carving out some time that’s just yours. Not work, something that feeds your soul. Maybe a class once a week to start? Or volunteering with a cause you’re passionate about? It can help to remember the things we enjoyed as children: at age 8 what did you enjoy? If it was colouring maybe you could join an art class, if it was nature maybe a foraging course or introduction to gardening, If animals maybe there’s a shelter you could go to volunteer in?

Taking small steps towards a life,interests and people that don’t all centre around him will at least make your life alot more pleasant whether you choose to stay or leave. I understand how difficult this be, that he won’t be happy and will guilt you about it, but notice that too; abusers don’t want us to have anything that makes us happy. People who love us want us to be happy and fulfilled, to follow our passions and live our best life. It’s what you want for him, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to want the same for you xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi CuriousB,

Im so sorry he is doing this to you. No you are not pushing him to the edge- he is doing that to you. His deliberate manipulation pushed you to the point of a panic attack, and in that moment he showed you how much care he has for you; he picked up his phone and ignored your distress.

You are describing psychological and emotional abuse. His aim is to break your spirit, make you doubt yourself so you are easier to control. Control over you is his aim, not a mutually beneficial partnership. He is both gaslighting and projecting his behaviour onto you, not the other way around. What he is telling you are doing, is what he is doing to you. It’s absolutely mind melting stuff, so no wonder you became completely overwhelmed and had a panic attack.

Keep making your plans to move out, but don’t tell him. He will just twist everything onto you again. You don’t deserve this situation but you can escape it. Do you have any one in your life you can talk to? Your GP or local women’s aid could be a good start? Reach out for support, you need and deserve it. His behaviour will not improve, abuse always gets worse. Think back to the beginning of your relationship- would he have behaved this way then? Would you have endured it? It creeps in so slowly and insidiously we don’t notice it until things are really bad and we don’t know how we got there ot how to get out.

You said you feel really mad- anger is a completely normal and justified reaction to being treated terribly and having your boundaries trampled and your abuser has done both. Use the energy of that anger to help you escape.

Keep posting, we have your back here. Good luck. Sending a big hug xxx

[Hawthorn]

As the others have said you are certainly not alone in feeling like this.

I went from always changing my hairstyle, loving clothes and fashion and feeling really good about my appearance to barely being able to shower and brush my teeth in the morning. Bed was something to crept into with no nighttime routine; no tooth brushing, no hair removal no lotions and potions for my skin. Anything I did as regards personal care he took to mean I wanted sex. And by the end I really really didn’t. I starved myself, just wanted to disappear. I would catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and not recognise the person looking back; who was that gaunt, haunted looking woman?

I’ve been free for some time now and I look like myself again. I stand tall, I look 10 years younger, and I know I look good- because I feel good. I eat well and care for myself, because I am worth it, and there’s no one in my life now who tells me otherwise- I’ve made sure of that.

You are worth caring for. Destroying our self esteem is how abusers keep us trapped. Try to do something nice for yourself every day, self care is not selfish, it’s essential. Doesn’t have to be anything big, even taking 5mins with a cuppa to watch the birds, or painting your toe nails. Something nice for you. You deserve it and you are worth it. Better is out there for you.xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Ariadne,

Sorry to be blunt, but no, I don’t think it’s normal jealousy. I think perhaps you know that too and that why you’ve posted? I’m not sure there is such a thing as normal jealousy anyway, jealousy and possessiveness go hand in hand, and in the version of the freedom programme I did we warned it was a red flag for a potentially abusive partner.

A healthy relationship is based on trust. If your partner can’t trust you to have a friend of the opposite sex without thinking you’re sleeping with them what hope can there be for a healthy, loving and supportive future? I think it’s reasonable to raise concerns if you feel insecure, but if you have, as you said, repeated ly told him there’s nothing to be concerned about with this friend of yours, why isn’t he listening to you? Either he listens, hears and respects what you say and trusts you to tell him the truth, or he doesn’t.

Even my abusive ex didn’t object to my male friends. He accused me of sleeping with plenty of other men, but not my friends. So in answer to your first question, yes I do think it’s perfectly OK, and very healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. Relationship status really shouldn’t come into it should it? If those are the types of sacrifices this relationship requires is it worth it?

[Hawthorn]

Hi Pea,
Sorry that this has happened to you to bring you back to the forum. I really agree with the other ladies, you’ve come here because your gut is screaming at you that this behaviour isn’t right. These are huge red flags.

He has called you names, threatened physical violence by punching the wall and is controlling of your basic bodily functions. Really scary controlling stuff.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? In the version I did they made reference to how an abuser will often, in the early stages of a relationship, “test” the new victim by getting very angry over something minor to see how the victim reacts and what they will tolerate. I remember the first incident with my abuser very clearly, it was, like you describe above, out of the blue and a complete over reaction to the situation. I was so taken aback I was sure I must have done something wrong- why would he get so angry otherwise?

I had done nothing wrong, and neither have you. Raging at your partner in the way you describe above is not something anyone ever needs to accept in a relationship. He is testing your boundaries. Knowing where our boundaries lie and being prepared to walk away from people who would trample them is essential to keep ourselves safe, particularly after an abusive relationship. The statistics on the number of women who go from one abusive relationship into another are frightening which is why women’s aid recommend 2 years before entering a new relationship after escaping abuse. Abusive men seem to have a sort of 6th sense to sniff out vulnerability.

I’m really sorry you find yourself in this situation. Trust ourself and your gut. Sending big hugs xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Sparklewand,

You might try “How He Gets Inside Her Head” by Don Hennessey. It very much focuses on the psychological abuse and manipulation. How we are brainwashed. Game changer for me.

Good luck in your journey, knowledge is power xx

[Hawthorn]

Oh you poor thing, hope you’re feeling a little better today?

Your therapist is right, he was the one who broke your marriage vows, not only by having an affair, but he gave you carte blanche to walk away the very first time he abused you.

You are grieving not just the good times you had, but all that you hoped and dreamed of the relationship. Allow yourself to do this, the only way out is through. That said, try to keep yourself grounded in reality- it is your hopes and dreams you are grieving, rather than the reality which was abuse and infidelity.

Escaping an abusive relationship leaves us with so much grief to process. I found it helpful when things were overwhelming to take some distance by analysing what stage of the grieving process I was in. Was I bargaining- ” if only I’d done this differently ” .., was it guilt, was I angry or in denial? At times I would feel acceptance, then cycle back through the other emotions again. This is totally normal. With time and self compassion you will come to a place where acceptance is your normal.

Big hugs and reach out for specialist support from WA or your GP if you haven’t already. I have a beautiful free happy life now, and the intensive counselling and work I did on myself after leaving is what I credit for that. You need and deserve support, we have your back here xxx

[Hawthorn]

Hi nbumblebee,
Just wanted to send you a big hug, it’s so difficult to face what you are- but you are facing it and dealing with it all, step by step and at the pace that’s right for you.

Personally I found it painful, but liberating to briefly take on the label of “victim”, I needed to take that step before I could take on the “survivor” label. All these words are are just that, words and labels, but I had blamed myself for the abuse for so long that taking on the “victim” label allowed me to place the blame and shame where it belonged-with the perpetrator of the abuse,my now ex-husband, and not with me.

I don’t label myself at all anymore, not as a victim, not as a survivor, not even a thrives. I’m just me. I am not what he did to me.

In relation to facing abusers from your past in the future; a very dear supporter of mine after I escaped the abuse advised me to always ask myself, before doing anything, “Is this the kindest option for me?”before doing it. Not the bravest option, not the smartest option, not what I think I “should” do. The kindest option. Is facing your abusers the kindest option you have?

Sending you a big hug. You can, and are, doing this. Be very kind to yourself, you deserve it xxxx

[Hawthorn]

My goodness, the circular conversations, the confusion, them bringing up the same thing over and over….i remember it well and it’s so exhausting.

Life’s too short isn’t it? We get but one wild and precious life, perhaps think about what you want from yours. If he is your only basis for comparison maybe it’s time to try something different? This man sounds like an absolute drain on your energy and joy. A relationship does not have be so. Relationships should enhance our lives, not BE our lives or diminish them or our spirit.

You are enough on your own. All the love and compassion you desire you already contain within yourself, don’t waste it on this black hole of a man. However much of yourself you pour into him it won’t ever be enough, the void within him existed before you ever met. Healthy, loving relationships don’t look or feel like what you’ve described above, and don’t you deserve a loving, healthy and supportive relationship?

Choose yourself xx

[Hawthorn]

My abuser used to go like that as well…how he’d never hit a woman, how men that did were scum blah blah blah…and he didn’t hit me …until he did. But of course that was my fault; I’d been arguing with him, pushed him to it…we all here sadly know the drill.

He was lovely 99% of the time too, in the early stages. Then gradually it was less and less, as abusive relationships go.

Please don’t blame yourself. Look at his actions rather than listening to his nonsense words. You’re not arguing back by expressing your feelings about what happened and trying to figure this awful situation out. We are conditioned to minimise abuse after living in for as long as many of us did/are. Do keep posting, it’s why we’re all here xx

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