Ilikechicken

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you. I did suggest we both used Third parties but he has refused, he refuses third party handover, but luckily the order states we do handover in public place. We use a book and email but he is always pushing more contact and overnights, therefore (detail removed by Moderator). He is being all nice on the surface of his messages, which I find hard to deal with as he is very coercive and people don’t see it. I dont have support of women’s aid anymore after I left, I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. He is constant in the book and via email some nonsense and excuses to push push push. I think your right he knows that I’m afraid of court and them awarding him more custody as he causes the children emotional distress with his games.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you for all the advise. I will try ‘keeping the score’ and I have applied for counselling but I missed the date due to another court day from him. I am trying to get out in nature and will try those activities. I feel I definitely need to do something.

[Ilikechicken]

don’t worry its not as bad as you think, just talk calmly and honestly. I wrote down bullet points to look at before my appointment. Think of what suits the children and remain focused on their needs, which is what you all really want to achieve. Be honest about the abuse and what kind of custody/routine you will think will work for the children. They will ask general questions about history of the relationship and why you think it will benefit the children to stick with your proposal. If the cafcass office writes a report and has misunderstood you, don’t panic call them or get a solicitor to explain what you meant to say. I have had misunderstanding with cafcass myself and if your calm and friendly they will hear you out. Don’t get into a slanging match about your ex though, be honest but don’t make it like your attacking you ex.

[Ilikechicken]

I am not sure she will want to give me a statement as she is in a similar situation to me. He is already setting up to isolate them for 14 days but they only really have an overnight a fortnight so this would be very confusing for them. Has anyone had any legal advice around this situation.

[Ilikechicken]

So if you have isolated for 14 days the children have not been exposed, therefore if dad kept the children for 14 days I would email and state that as they self isolated eith you they could not be showing symptoms unless he has not safeguarded them and had them. He would then have to admit he had put the children in harm’s way to keep them. I’m having the same issue as I know dad isnt taking this serious and has been around his family to. It’s scary times and the government have not considered things properly.

[Ilikechicken]

Is he emailing you saying all this? If no one in his household is showing symptoms then the children can go between households as long as both households are social distancing. I wouldnt tip him off if he had social isolated without symptoms and take him to court.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you all for the advice.
(detail removed by moderator)

My concern is I dont have any proof he is saying stuff onnskype and others have phoned to tell me he was out pubs the night they shut. I also have no evidence about his parents. I just feel that at times like this I cant protect the kids or myself from a scary virus because his rights out way all of ours. My concern is the courts may give him more custody because technically I have breached.

[Ilikechicken]

Michael gov has been on the tv and said that seperated parents can pass the children back and fourth once out of isolation. I just cant understand how were supposed to proceed in situations of abuse where you cant trust you ex to social distance themselves. This new policy means you cant safeguard your kids or yourself from contacting this virus.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you I didnt think of it as a positive too worried it would be used against me. I have booked to speak to my dr to see if he can suggest anywhere as I have had a look and my local one is £55 per 30 min session and as I have court fees I doubt i could afford more than a couple of sessions. Would it cbt therapy that you did? Or more emotion focused therapy?

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you so much for that advice I hadnt considered trying a few initial consultations. I am worried about the cost as I feel it maybe something I need for a while in order to help with some coping strategies as I have to have contact with an abuser. Is there any charities that I should look at specifically? or is a dr the best first contact. I have put off seeking a counselling as I am worried it would show on a fact find for future custody the ex may attempt, but feel it would really help now.

[Ilikechicken]

Omg it’s so weird we all have a rash, my dr said its stress induced psoriasis but no matter what I use it isnt going away. Cecile I’m glad to hear that your coming out of things, thank you for the advice I think I do need to consciously try these things, I want to start feeling again and be a more fun mom. Fudge cake it’s so hard when the happy memories creep in there to isnt it. I really do hope we all start being our old selves and truly be free of them.

[Ilikechicken]

He is being coercive for sure I think. Using wording like ‘you can not’ and reinforcing boundaries of what is or isnt allowed by his standard. ‘You will have to’… these are not words that are normally used in a discussions that are a two way conversation, they are more demands.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you so much for your replies, I feel better reading them. I just cant relax because it’s the kids lives he is trying to shape and get underway in order to get more custody and I dont see how our kids can manage school, homework, clubs etc between two houses especially with one child having aspergers (undiagnosed at present but pretty confident about. He is talking to the school getting them to agree with him about a particular school that I feel isnt right and selling that it’s in our childs interest and proper working he charm. I can’t stop thinking and worrying about it I’m covered in a stress indused rash, I am scared him having more custody than one weekend and a weekday dinner Is gonna ruin the kids upbringing and make factors of the aspergers worth.
One minute he is telling me forcefully what I have to do, then he is all acting like my best mate especially infront of others. My head is a mess. When does it get easier?

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you all. It is oddly comforting to know that this feeling isn’t wrong and that others have experienced it to. I think it is def wise to stay away from relationships, I don’t even understand why I am craving affection. I am allover the place and I just want to be OK now as I am worrying about how much I’m detaching from ppl and my kids and acting unlike myself. Thank u for all the kind words and help. I need to put my postivie head on. Sending virtual hugs to u all xx

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you diy mum I know what you mean that having kids means you don’t have the choice to just fully fall apart. I’m sorry to hear that beauty marked they know how to treat us like nothing but something to disgard :(. I am OK in the days really it’s just the evenings I think it’s because I’m sat in with the kids and not able to keep busy or socialise. I cant have therapy or help from the Dr’s as it would be used against me (detail removed by moderator). I am just spiralling and unable to make proper choices. I had sex eith a friend and I don’t even know why, it was a stupid choice and I knew it but I did it to just not have that feeling. I hate myself, it’s been around (detail removed by moderator) months I should feel better by now I just can’t get myself together. 🙁

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