ILoveMusic

[ILoveMusic]

Ayanna you are an inspiration.

The clear unapologetic way of your writing ought to be held in an esteemed manner seldom seen or read anywhere else. I for one, albeit through this medium, a place none of us wish to frequent, am humbled to read what you write.
You have been bitterly let down by a system draping itself in charitable glory that can and will never appreciate the enormity of abuse and ongoing suffering of women. Your mind and body have been violated by a ‘man’ with lifelong consequences to you and for this I am so sorry to read. The sickening branches off this in my mind are many. A ‘stranger’ inflicting one billionth of this abject misery in your life would be serving time in a prison cell. These ‘men’ walk around free – untouched – protected. Had you the right amount of money to PAY decent Lawyers…PAY for immediate therapy…it would be a different situation altogether.
At one of your lowest points, to be placed in a position of almost sleeping outside is a glaring shame on our so called ‘caring society’ in the 21st century. It’s a slap of unfathomable insult to be expected to have money and without it to be abandoned.

Suffice to say I am still where I am and will not hijack your post by inserting my own dire situation and overlay yours.

Take care – I pray the medical support required by you is tolerable and helpful. I pray too for the people who are inside that arena can see what a truly original and exceptional woman you are and afford you the due respect deserved. XX

[ILoveMusic]

Oaktree,

Your husband is 100% aware of what he’s doing and carries on doing it because he wants to and because he can…it’s that simple. Protecting him gives him licence to continue. As stated above he wouldn’t dare behave this way to another man or someone who would tell it like it is and give him as good as the bully is giving – He’s not a child doing something wrong..he’s a grown man bully getting away with whatever he wants.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi NTTalk,

Yes the exhaustion they inflict is awful – soooo draining…and of course it’s deliberate. They hijack our thinking, feeling and ability to function on an even keel – it’s completely disruptive when you look at it from a distance.

Life has become complicated by them and their demanding omnipotence over our existence. Even whilst working or whatever that doesn’t involve him, he is a constant in my mind – I’ve been brainwashed!!! LOL..help!! I reckon escaping Scientology is easier than escaping my lord and master…I have to laugh otherwise I’d become as insane as he is 😉 I refuse to engage in his over complicating of the unnecessary any more – freaks him out – toooo bad!

You’ve done the right thing reaching out to women who understand your dilemma – I felt guilty for days after admitting to anyone what sort of prison I was living in – Not any more though – I shout from the roof tops and will continue to do so until he is a memory and I am free to be me.

Stay strong, take time to formulate what works best for you and your son, don’t feel pressurised or rushed because HE decides to push your buttons…Sending strength, you will get through this! X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi NTTalk – Welcome to the forum – 🙂

NB He was ‘offended’ you didn’t have an abortion, that line took my breathe away – Did he explain at the time precisely what it was that ‘offended’ him? Last time I checked NTTalk it takes two – Guess he wasn’t ‘offended’ at all at himself – lol 😉

As with most abusive relationships it appears to me that yours is as complex as most of us. There’s never just one thing that stands out and screams abusive/abuser/abused, it is a multi tiered, gradual, over time process. It took me two years to realise my situation was far from good. My eye was off the ball – I had a myriad of other things occupying my mind – very serious things too. It was easy to overlook his behaviour when suddenly he would appear to be ‘normal’ again. He’s far from normal, he’s a monster. I became accustomed to appreciating the days when he would talk, act, behave like the friend he was for two years before I entered into a relationship with him – Given the time I’d known him as a friend and the ensuing abuse as a partner, this has stripped me of my sense of judgement in terms of working out who the good and bad people are..he fooled me 100%..and I’m no push over..or at least I thought I wasn’t.

He too, has a medical problem – not as serious as your husband but all the same a condition that he ‘uses’ to explain away his aggression, manipulation, mood swings and general horrific demeanour. He’s still young and is angry at the world, me and anyone else who has the nerve to not be ‘suffering?’ or understand what HE feels like. As far as I’m concerned he is addicted to pain meds – when I broach this his denial and defence of his addiction is text book stuff. I can’t bear him. I have no money to escape or I’d be gone this hour. There are millions of ill people in this world who do NOT behave like these people. The abuse was there before the disease/illness..embedded in their character. It’s just another line of torture and manipulation for them to throw into the mix and present as the victim. They don’t change. Only we can change. You and your son deserve to be happy and carefree. I have no children with my resident controller or I would’ve taken the Refuge route a long time ago – no way, never would I put an innocent child through the mire THEY create. The blackmail runs deep in terms of an ‘ill’ partner – I worked out a long time ago, I have no ‘partner’ HE comes first in everything and I am a by product of some description. Their illness does not give them licence to treat us like dirt..in fact it makes them more abhorrent than ever.

Sending a hug. X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Oaktree,

Welcome to the forum 🙂
Without sugar coating – your husband sounds like a spoiled, self indulgent, self absorbed abuser. Had you seen 10% of what you’re seeing and living with now I bet there’s no chance you would’ve married him. His anger is entirely HIS responsibility and the fact he doesn’t care whether or not your daughter is on the receiving end is a clear measure of the sort of person he is. ‘Satisfying’ his desire for sex is like reading something from the 18th century. No way should you feel pressured or put HIS needs before your own in order to keep the bully placated. Who does he think he is?! Abusive men slowly erode our confidence over a period of time..they’re good at it. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you Oaktree – this man is the source of your worry and upset. Steroids…or any other drug – street or otherwise are not the reason he’s an angry rage fuelled bully – that’s 100% down to his character. They never change – they only get worse. Sending you strength! X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Lightningjet,

Oh I understand that guilt only too well!! Crazy isn’t it – when you think what they are doing to us and we still feel ‘bad’ about doing something to save ourselves. Every time I fill in a form or talk to a person on the phone and talk about what he’s putting me through I am filled with a sense of betrayal. Their damage runs deep – I feel almost brain washed by him…thinking or doing for myself goes against the rules of the Guru person – just like a Cult!!

Well done you on making that first step!! It’s massive and empowering! :-)))

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Ayanna,

Really sorry to read you are going through the horrors of reliving a ‘near death’ experience – incomprehensible ANY human being could inflict this on another person they allegedly loved and cared for…they’re inhuman.

I wonder if you have called the Samaritans yet? They have kept me alive so many times this year (it’s still only May) they have been wonderful to me. Of all the ‘serivces?’ out there, for me anyway, they are priceless and are available 24hours a day. I honestly feel sick every time I pick the phone up but it’s almost as if they are last chance saloon to me. Without their support I don’t know where I’d be, literally.
If you have been in touch with them I am certain they would offer all the support they can and if you haven’t and are feeling awful please try and give them a call. Sending strength your way and hoping that somehow you are coping..X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Cupcakes,

Of course you can – Sourcing the right accommodation close to schools (if they are school age) could be an option for head space etc until HE is forced to leave or the property is sold or whatever.

What kind of man would actually allow this to happen though?!…WOW they are the pits!! If money is no object then wth isn’t he getting himself out of there rather than continue to infect you and your children….

I’d be on it today – Each day with an abuser is another day of damage – Take control for you and your children – HE is not worth another moments misery.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Miles,

Yeah definitely fingers crossed for you. Our choices in the UK are so limited and the biggest hurdle any of us face is finding a safe roof over our heads…the abuse is horrific, the accommodation issue is in some way harder to deal with. Reaching a decision to escape then finding we have nowhere to go except a Refuge – sorry state of affairs for the 6th richest economy on earth isn’t it. Women are failed on multiple levels with accommodation taking the number one slot. If I had cash I would’ve been gone months ago – I don’t – the abuse has escalated – getting over the monster…missing the monster…caring 2 c**ps what he does once I’m gone is of NO importance to me whatsoever – but finding my own safe space is like climbing Mount Everest with leaden boots.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Blueberry,

I’m beginning to realise the job is not worth sacrificing my peace of mind for…He won’t leave me alone – the onslaught is relentless, screaming in my face for hours…I’m broke in terms of money but am contacting refuges etc and going to plan a way out..I can’t take much more of this at all…all my possessions are here so I will start again from scratch with nothing. Begged my sister who’s minted to help today in an email and she wrote back and totally ignored what I’d said….made today worse. I get paid again at the end of the month and will use that to run. XX

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Blueberry 🙂

I understand entirely where you’re coming from – Can I just say I read in one of your posts about the washing machine and having to wait till it’s full to bursting point before switching on – My god it was as if you were talking about the monster in charge of me – EXACTLY the same Blueberry – He comments on this every time I am in washing machine range – it’s UNREAL – even washing my clothes is an ordeal, my nerves are shredded. The extent of abuse these ‘men’ are capable of is jaw dropping! And it, seems all have such similar traits is scary – hence, I will never trust or live with one of them again…My health and sanity comes before any man on this earth.

The fact we are still living, breathing and able to survive should never be underestimated – I may not comment on your posts all the time, but I for one read, understand and am silently sending a massive hug. X

[ILoveMusic]

Me three – she’s been on my mind too – praying she’s safe and having help/support and is ok…X

[ILoveMusic]

I’m never getting involved with a man again, even if he does have a massive pocket rocket 😉 There’s nothing I want from them and there’s nothing I need from them – Not looking for a man to compliment me on any level – The mask always slips eventually, it’s just a matter of time..So, I’m surrounding myself with strong, independent, inspirational women from now on and will avoid men like the plague :-))

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Wheninrome,

Having your own bank account is a great positive move…If I had the funds I would hand them over to you – alas people like me who would give money freely (and have done many times) are thin on the ground I’m afraid..it’s another weapon in the arsenal of control to be used against us. Plus, and this is a fact, people are greedy and hold on tight to pieces of paper with the queen’s face on it 😉

I understand your need to keep your children where they are for schools etc and I defy anyone to suggest otherwise – they are not walking in your shoes and have no idea how you are juggling and trying to hold things together…I for one admire you.

A common theme with abused women seems to be that they are isolated and family is not there to help..sending you strength!! X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi WhenInR,

What an awful dilemma – so sorry you are going through this. As far as I am aware some Refuge’s take teenage boys and some don’t – so if this is the route you do take it’s something you would need to check with them first. Assume he won’t leave?…

The stock answer to women who are being forced to leave their accommodation in the UK is to go to a Refuge – One size does not fit all though does it. If I do this I am forced to give up my job – you cannot work and be in a Refuge. I have been met with..’well how bad is it at home?…risk assessment is ‘high risk’ …If you are ‘choosing’ to stay and continue to be abused for the sake of a job and refusing to go to a Refuge then we can’t help you…’..So, my option is to source private rented accommodation – you need a few grand to do this. Council’s do nothing – although in your case would provide emergency accomm as you have children ie B&B or something short term of such ilk. It’s a minefield and adds to the entire stress of it all.

If you have money, then my advice would be to find a place for yourself and your children. Wishing you luck and keep posting as to how things progress for you..XX

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Houndgirl,

I’m still living with my monster in charge and also live in a village…it definitely presents a different set of challenges primarily, everyone knows everyone’s business!! I would give my right leg to be in a position to walk away from here forever; He won’t go, no matter what. Even if by some miracle he did, as soon as I scraped enough cash to leave I’d be gone! The village mentality is a killer in this sort of situation, even if you haven’t said anything to anyone regarding your ex moving out you can bet your last $ people already know.

What is it you feel you have failed at? A relationship with an abuser? You’ve survived it Houndgirl, not failed at anything at all. He’s the failure here – failed to be a decent human being. As for trust, the one person you can trust in is YOU 🙂 The majority of people don’t want to hear when things are awful – because it’s NOT happening to them – people are selfish. Hard but true fact. I’ve turned my back on a lot of people, yes it’s lonely but I prefer to live with a modicum of truth. We’re vulnerable and happy to take a few crumbs from whatever table of kindness is thrown our way – I am slowly learning to accept nothing, it all comes with a price and my dignity remains, to a degree, intact.

I also don’t give a toss what people think. I am completely past caring about that. Why should I? People will always have opinions, let them. I have told numerous people I work with that I am counting days so I can up sticks and escape to pastures new..the men strangely supportive the women shockingly less so…again, I don’t care…I’m indifferent and it’s liberating 🙂

[ILoveMusic]

Hi BB and FS,

I think there’s something about a Sunday that seems to make the misery float to the surface or that could just be me. Not that the misery is buried anywhere really is it – it’s always lurking.

I say ‘sorry’ a lot too BB…It’s like it’s been programmed into my brain – sorry for this sorry for that sorry when I am the only person saying sorry and it’s unnecessary. I even call my millionaire sister to save HER phone bill and I am broke…I’m a door mat and stupid – God what has he turned me into! Even typing this on the Q T because I’m supposed to be watching a movie…it’s pathetic..a shadow of my former self.

Could the constant ‘sorry’s’ we say be a way of apologising for being alive?…it’s so odd but I’m almost relieved to know I am not alone in this…XX

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Serenity,

Using that old chestnut called ‘money’ as a weapon – doesn’t get much more obvious and shallow in the scheme of life than that.

[ILoveMusic]

Morning Blueberry..

Horrific what you have been through and are still going through and noone should ever minimise the effects this is having on your general well being. These monsters should be serving life sentences for what they inflict on unsuspecting good, decent women.

Blueberry I am a migraine sufferer too – the same numbing terrifying types that you are having. I have a mini cure to suggest to you – it’s working for me and as a member of the Migraine Community I thought it’s worth suggesting to you if you can order online or buy at any health food or high street chemist. Not a drug either so will not have any unpleasant side effects.

MAGNESIUM CITRATE Blueberry – or Magnesium in any form you can get it…taken at night..apparently nine out of ten migraine sufferers have very low magnesium levels. It is working for me. If you are not already taking this I urge to try it. It also helps you to sleep without realising it…imagine a decent sleep and no migraine…definitely worth a punt.

Sending you hugs…XX

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Deepbreath,

Don’t cave into his BS – and that is exactly what it is..BS…’noone else can help with the situation?’..the situation that he created because he’s an abuser. He’s not your problem :-)..you are free of him…give him the shock of his life and tell him to jog on :-))..take control back for yourself…Ask yourself this DBreath – Imagine this was your daughter going through what you have being going through..would you suggest she continues to see or talk to this errr..’man?’…knowing she’s putting herself at risk?..Course you wouldn’t…Turn your back…keep on walking away…stay with your parents..be nice to yourself…you deserve so much more than this bully…you cannot change the essence of a person’s character…you know the real him and it’s nasty…oh and he wouldn’t be playing down anything that happened if he had been on the receiving end of it, would he?…Sending strength…!! X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Deepbreath,

Give yourself a massive hug for having the courage to escape this abusive person. Living hour by hour is normal after going through the torture you have been through, so believe me when I say what you are experiencing is completely ok…it’s uncomfortable but necessary to an extent, and it will pass. Moving back to your parents could be a great thing and give you time to heal in a safe place. You need this. What you don’t need is him. You never need anyone around you ever again controlling you and making you feel awful. You have a wonderful chance to have a great future free from abuse..you would never have had that with him – abuser’s get worse, not better. Try to never contact him. Do not give in to his ‘nice side’ if he decides to present that to you again…it’s a game and he’s controlling that game. Be thankful you are out and as horrendous as it is, be thankful you saw this ‘person’ for what he is BEFORE you found yourself twenty years down the line, in a much worse state and regretting a few uncomfortable months of getting over this – which you will!!! He will be a memory..make him a memory..never look back..look forward to freedom..you had a life before him and you will have a life beyond him!! xx

[ILoveMusic]

Morning Blueberry and Cuppa,

Proving what is being done to us or has been done to us is a minefield. Whilst being abused our mind is in a state of high anxiety and post abuse that anxiety level is there whilst reliving and recounting details etc..how we are supposed to articulate times, dates, incidents in a cohesive fashion to fit in with ‘professionals’ box ticking exercise is to me another form of abuse. It’s SO hard to do this with a complete stranger who appears to be so ‘together’ and solid whilst we are falling apart divulging and exposing huge parts of ourselves. This takes every bit of courage we have, what part of this the ‘professionals’ don’t grasp is beyond me…

Strength to all ladies out there today sending healing vibes to all..XX

[ILoveMusic]

Kaza,

Just read your post and boy I feel your pain sister.

Every single lady on here is rooting for you…you are not alone..private message me ANYTIME!…The women on here have kept me sane through unadulterated hell…you can get through this!!!..Please stay with us…X

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Liquorice :-)…so sorry you are going through this..sending a hug x

I get where you are coming from, totally. I am past caring what the monster in charge of me does or says any more, there’s no point in my shutting up, talking back, defending myself or whatever tactics I try to employ to fit in with his madness it doesn’t work…so F him…he can do his worst and he does..he’s won as far as I’m concerned. For eg..it’s trying to talk normally to me right now, because there’s a small bit of cash in the bank..transparent thieving user.. and I’m supposed to be grateful he’s talking to me like I am an actual human being…can’t stand him…wish he would F off forever…but he won’t. Hate myself for being stuck here…

[ILoveMusic]

Hi GoldenG,

Thanks for taking the time to write and ask a few questions etc. Before I go further can I just say how pleasing to read a small part of your story and that you are seeing a bright light at the end of a long tunnel..fantastic!

I am in private rented accom – a new landlord bought the property a year ago – and here’s the rub, he has, as yet not issued us with a new tenancy agreement, hence neither me, nor the monster in charge have the necessary paper work. He cannot sling me out and I cannot sling him out…he is from this area I am not and he feels therefore, he has more right to be here. Tbh I want nothing to do with the place nor be in the snooty village of the damned the property is in…I would move to the other side of the planet to be free. I am not married to him.. the best decision in my life i ever made.

The ‘system’ and its complexities have, as far as I am concerned totally failed me – Every one of them reads chapter and verse from the same script. Of course they want me to house myself under my own steam, as I stressed, if I had the cash I wouldn’t be calling you guys or bearing my soul to you of how bad my situation is etc..total waste of energy. I was asked if it’s that bad then why not go to a Refuge, other women have to, you don’t stay forever etc and can you put your job on hold etc…what planet this woman resides on is not the same as me. How many of us wish to discuss our horrors with our employers fgs..and what is the likelihood of putting a job on hold indefinitely…about zero. Long answer so apologies for that – In a nutshell – the system is in place in order to make what is already difficult almost impossible. The UK to me is a nation of slum lords getting richer on the back of peoples abject misery and the Councils et al all play their part as enablers.

[ILoveMusic]

Morning Blueberry 🙂

So many positives in your post…you did get help…you are alive therefore is was not too late..you cleaned your house too and you and your son are physically FREE :-)))) A clear measure of how you are not useless, worthless or weak! His brainwashing tactics are residual toxins infiltrating your good thinking..one day too your mind will rid itself of his controlling influences.

You’re doing good 🙂 Even when you think you aren’t you are. You’re allowed to feel pleased with your achievements.

He can never harm you again – you survived him!!

Best piece of advice I ever heard was this…’Stop rating yourself on a minute by minute basis and accept what you feel or think instead of fighting it and analysing it, which is in essence a form of self harming ..what’s done is done, don’t care who THEY are, don’t care what THEY are or are not doing..the rating game keeps us in a loop of self loathing, scathing negative criticism and does not help us..it also allows them to a small degree to still be driving our thinking and behaviours which they have absolutely NO right to..’

XX

[ILoveMusic]

Iamfree – I hear you!…and I agree, the police do jack! X

[ILoveMusic]

Liking the cut of your jib Ayanna – I can hear the Godfather theme tune playing in my head haha;-)

I’ll be looking at ways to set up support in the UK for women that can offer ‘actual physical help’ that INCLUDES money beyond my time with this monster and will be looking for women like you to join me.

Investment strategies and forward thinking is path I am on. X

[ILoveMusic]

Blueberry..

Hoping your day is more bearable…referring to the title of your thread..you are one hundred percent correct – The ‘professionals’ who are being paid large salaries to support women like us not only have no idea, they have no experience of what we are going through. I have lost faith in every last one of them.

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Ayanna,

You’re bang on the money..It’s a woman hating system designed to F us over..fact. Just imagine if 2 MEN a week died at the hands of women, the ‘men’ would be shouting their (detail removed by Moderator) mouths off and laws would be in place immediately to prevent those ‘poor’ men from suffering at the hands of women.

I’m so done with it.

My resident controller is loving the fact he still has me in his vice like grip, he’s a sadist through n through…and told me he would never let ANYONE ELSE HURT ME..the irony is breathtaking..(detail removed by Moderator). He will never leave here. It’s up to me to escape and conjure up a magical way to do that. I won’t bother with the so-called organisations to ‘help’ again…they don’t. Whomever is funding them is being taken for a total ride. They are gatekeepers. They fob off. They don’t care…worse still, they are women.

Sending you strength Ayanna – I know you are going through 7 shades of awful stuff too…power to you!
XX

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