itwillbeokay

[itwillbeokay]

Some very good and very strong advice here, I appreciate it hugely and will be reading this thread again and again. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. I’m working on this with my counsellor at the moment. I must become strong for when he inevitably reappears. I feel acutely aware he must want some sort of revenge on me. It hangs over me somewhat.

Thank you so much xx

[itwillbeokay]

I will be following this with interest. And a heavy heart. My older boy (still very young) infrequently brings Daddy up and sometimes it then progresses to when will I see Daddy (and Granny and Grandpa). I left early last year and handovers and behaviour between handovers deteriorated to the point where I said it had to be organised through a solicitor so it was safe and consistent and involving both our children. He insists it’s ny fault he has no relationship with the very young one even though he was with him 24/7 for the first year of his life due to being unemployed so I’d say percentage wise saw him more than your average working father. Anyway I digress. At the point I said solicitor to arrange contact he has not seen either of them. On the one hand no contact has been hugely healing for me although hugely devastating as well. But I also have very difficult emotions over the fact he doesn’t see his children, nor do the grandparents. It’s all gone so far the wrong way now but I no longer know what the answer even is. It’s like he’s just discarded them as I don’t want to live with him anymore. I feel very sad and guilty for my sons and worried they will one day blame me. The older one recognises his cousins have a Daddy at home and that Daddy’s pick up from school etc. I bought a book about separated parents. A lot of it not suitable though as says we will both see you lots and do fun things. I struggle to know what to say in an age appropriate way really.

Support and advice would be nice.

Much love xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you all so much. Such good advice. I am very worried about seeming like I am being uncooperative or alienating them and the fact that I have no idea what their next move is. I almost see them like a collective pack of wolves now. It could go either way. He literally just won’t bother. Or he’ll seek to exact revenge and how? The biggest way he knows how. Our children.

I’m going to go ahead with the solicitor appointment and relay the story so far. I’m definitely going to add to my journal and start documenting when son says anything and what I say in response as it is absolutely not trying to alienate, I bought a book to help with age appropriate answers and say to him to always tell me if he’s feeling sad or confused about anything. Thanks for that advice.

Kip thank you as well. It’s so hard to get it clear in your head. Our life is better, they have lots of role models and are happy and doing well. I know he will not be a good thing for them really but he is still their father so it’s hard to compute. And as FTC says, I haven’t set out to achieve this situation but it gets twisted all the time. I’m fairly confident it wouldn’t end with them being removed from me to him but I worry that my sons won’t understand because I will be diplomatic with the truth to protect them and in years to come they may blame me. It’s awfully tough isn’t it. Such a worry.

🙁

[itwillbeokay]

Just reading your replies ladies thank you, first chance I’ve had.

Realised I didn’t include what I’d actually sent if it makes any difference.

(detail removed by Moderator)

[itwillbeokay]

We are married for clarification. I haven’t even begun to think about divorce proceedings as I’m too scared to rock the boat, upset, the acrimony etc.

I’ll read your reply now and be back later thank you so much xx

[itwillbeokay]

I’d like to say thank you as well. Very very much. I found NYE very hard. I went to bed before midnight and feel relieved it’s all over and I’m back to work tomorrow. I feel a sense of foreboding about what a new year will bring from him but excited for my future also. But thank you ladies on here from the bottom of my heart.

xxx

[itwillbeokay]

Wow I needed to read this ladies thank you.

This time last year we were eating and drinking at home and having a NYE party for two, something we always did once our boys went to bed. But of course I was always on edge probably looking back. I was really nervous about tonight. I’ve had lots of triggers and sadness and guilt over the festive season but I agree it’s been calmer and nicer and it’s also been lovely in spite of those feelings. I’m getting stronger. I’m with family tonight. They’re still downstairs watching what we used to watch together which was my much wanted cue to come to bed to fall asleep before midnight in the same bedroom as my boys, something I’ve not done for years.

Tomorrow is the start of the year I didn’t leave my husband. What a year this one has been. The hardest of my life but we are so much happier and I also don’t miss the hyper vigilance and feeling of fear. Our home has such a different feel.

Much love xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much. That’s amazing xxx

[itwillbeokay]

I’ve never thought there was anything too strange or concerning apart from we literally didn’t have sex in the final months. I tried, because I ,issued the intimacy and felt we were becoming more and more distant but I also struggled to want to have sex with someone who was more and more frequently being abusive in lots of ways towards me. But still I brought it up and tried and he just didn’t go for it. I just put it down to him being low about being unemployed for so long. Maybe it was more withholding that I just didn’t recognise. He withheld affection, information, thoughts, feelings, emotions, whereabouts, I guess he could have been withholding sex as well. I often wondered how he was managing without it it went on so long. He wasn’t cheating so I wondered about porn. I’ll never know.

[itwillbeokay]

I feel bad and sad and worried I’m doing a terrible thing by not organising child contact, some sort of parental alienation it feels like even though that’s not it. Why is he just not bothering, is it because I’ve said he has to organise it through official channels, that it has to be supervised. I can see why that would annoy him as he never hurt the children but I couldn’t continue as I was, it wasn’t okay and the look he gave me as I drove away from what was the last handover, it was pure evil designed to make me feel worried he had our child in his possession for the next (detail removed by Moderator) hours. Plus all the concerning messages. But now this. He doesn’t see or speak to them atall and it’s my fault. It’s like it’s been twisted on to me.

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much for responding. I am looking forward to life going back to normal too, back to work, back to healing. I’m fearful of what the new year might bring though. And wondering if I should be doing anything to try to restablish contact with the children. I just don’t get the mindset at all, this is completely bewildering me really. I’m always slightly uneasy waiting for something to turn bad. Because our new life is so good. It unnerves me as it always went bad with him.

[itwillbeokay]

Hello.
I could’ve written your post.
I left earlier in the year with our two very young children and with ALOT of strength, ALOT of support (family friends and therapy) and ALOT of self help I’ve slowly slightly rebuilt myself. A bit. I’m doing okay and life is good. Mostly I enjoy it and I’m able to bat away the bad feeling because I refuse to let it bring me down. That sounds like I’m harsh. I’m anything but. But mostly I manage. But not today. I crumpled today. I guess we all do sometime. It made me realise it’s good to have a cry XX XX

[itwillbeokay]

Am I really bad for making him go through a solicitor? He didn’t physically attack me. And certainly not the children. It was all psychological and intimidation, I guess coercive control. But at a cost of having his wife and children leave and move away. Back to 100% guilt all over a few envelopes.

Xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you.

I feel so mixed up by it because of course they’re allowed to send their children/grandchildren Christmas cards. But all it serves to do is scream guilt and blame and hatred at me from the envelopes. Even though I did nothing but stay in a marriage that I just hoped would stop being abusuve one day. The fact I finally fled on (detail removed by moderator) says it all I think. I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I’m guessing there will be stuff in there about seeing them in the new year even though he hasn’t seen them in months. As soon as I wanted to make it safe and ordered and official nothing from him. And now this. Out the blue. I knew something would arrive I guess.

x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you for sharing this.

I have hugely mixed emotions but am mostly okay. First Christmas out with our children. I put our Christmas tree lights on whenever I like. I put our heating on to keep us warm. We sing and dance to Christmas songs. It’s a light happy predictable environment without fear. We’re spending it with my family and it will be filled from start to finish with love and joy and positivity. It will be different this year.

Peace and love to all.

xxxx

[itwillbeokay]

This is so pertinent to me right now. I hate writing my name, ticking married boxes, saying Mrs etc. I used to be so proud of my married name, the same name as our children, now I just feel confusion about it. It gives me anxiety every time I write it. I call myself Ms on forms as I cannot bring myself to say Mrs.

I was so proud we were married. How things change 🙁

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you IWMB, so much xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you very much for all this helpful advice, I really appreciate it and will refer back. Regularly! Ugh the guilt and self doubt and ruminating, it’s exhausting.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much ladies, your words are so helpful.

The guilt is such a terrible thing when you did nothing wrong in the first place. I didn’t did I. I’m pretty sure I didn’t, I just wanted us to be happy and kind and respectful and live a calm uneventful life together with our children.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

Hello

We’ve never “met” before, I read on here every day since leaving with my two young children (detail removed by moderator) but I don’t write so much now as, like you, I have a new job too so life is busy.

But I just wanted to say I honestly could have written your post literally word for word sentence by sentence and I wanted you to know you’re not alone. Even the title.

I too lived temporarily somewhere but quickly got a lovely little two bed flat that I adore. I’m very proud of it, it’s peaceful cosy and all mine although I live here with my children too so slightly different on that front. However the feelings you speak of are identical. I love my new job but I feel like a different person on the inside (fragile broken overwhelmed) to the me on the outside (strong brave capable). I appear completely happy and joyful to the outside world and actually I am but there’s always this other part inside threatening to tear me down and simply flatten me and I feel constant anxiety and fear over it. And the guilt. The constant draining insidious gut wrenching guilt that isn’t even mine to feel and yet I do. My husband is currently not in touch with our children as I had to say he needed to organise safe contact due to behaviour over the months since I left and he’s gone no contact for now but I’m on edge constantly. He knows where we live and parcels and postcards arrive from my in laws which trigger me and my guilt.

I am obsessed with my appearance and looking perfect too which is draining and another chore but I think is a by product of the trauma and PTSD symptoms I am left with. People don’t understand, they try to but unless you’ve lived it you don’t really. I do, however, still see a counsellor weekly who is specifically trained in (removed by moderator) abuse and I find going to her invaluable. I will have seen her weekly for a year in the end. I hope you can make time for something like that. I also listen to life coaching on YouTube on the same subject as that is specific to me but there are lots out there on abuse of all kinds. I find that so so helpful too, I listen on my way to and from work to get me through the day.

I don’t really have the answers but I am still recovering daily and it’s tough. You’re not alone. Private message me if you ever want to xx

[itwillbeokay]

No not really. Covert narc, emotional abuser I think, like him, mother in law. Father in law has borne the brunt too I think. I think that’s why my husband and brother in law are like they are but I don’t know for sure. He’s an emotional bully and I guess she is too but we’ve always got on fine until I left, now I’m evil number one.

I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely not unblocking or emailing as I know that will restart the horrible messages. That’s why I thought post a card. Then I’ve not ignored, I’ve thanked but it doesn’t open anything up.

I haven’t even read the card but I know the contents. My counsellor got rid of it for me earlier. I feel silly being so triggered by so many things, like I’m being dramatic. It’s awful.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

It’s very scary.

How do I get over the feeling I’m being rude and trying to alienate them by not doing what I would always do usually which is thank someone. Maybe I could get the children to draw something?! The whole situation makes me so fearful as maybe I’m wrong about them all and they aren’t trying to do anything other than make contact, send them some clothes, tell me they miss them. Which I’m sure they do.

[itwillbeokay]

Wow. Just wow. I’m so sorry for your difficulties. Thank you so much for sharing such a clear picture of what can and does happen. Do you know I can totally imagine this as my mother in law used to regularly call my husband fat in such a mean way (she had a real problem with “fat” people, they weren’t!!) and would put him down about his work and actually in the end he was unemployed and not being paid for work he did and so was his brother! This really hit home to me so thank you. I really hope you can limit the damage. You sound so strong but I understand how hard it all is. You sound so strong on the no contact too. I feel better since blocking all of them but bad about it. But he has email. Just choosing not to use it even though he emailed me only a few weeks ago.

I now have the card and parcel hanging over my head like a deadweight. If they weren’t blocked I would be about to receive passive aggressive messages about not saying thank you etc. I may post a plain blank care saying thank you for their parcel. A photo of them? Whatever I do they will twist. But they are entitled to their upset over not seeing them I guess. It all just confuses me so much.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you both so so much. Honestly I really need to read words of support like this tonight. I feel horrible yet again. And so confused and like I don’t even know what I want or what’s best anymore it’s all so messed up. But I do know that our lives are simply better. Much better. I don’t even know why anymore, I just know I am me again and we do things and have fun and see family and friends and supportive non-toxic people who want the best for us and the atmosphere is light and I don’t feel hypervigilant all the time about the next round of whatever. I can’t even say the word. Still. I just block it out mostly. I have cried at my counselling for the past few weeks and know I will tomorrow so it’s always there bubbling under a very happy exterior.

He has stopped contact. I feel so weird that I have no idea where my husband and best friend and father of my precious children even is or what he’s doing, how he’s doing. He simply isn’t a part of our lives at the moment but the feeling of what’s next is always there.

I feel like the parcel is a guilt trip or a manipulation. But then I think I have no right to feel that as they are their grandchildren who they are also not currently seeing. Sigh. I can never quite wrap my brain around any of it fully.

Xx

[itwillbeokay]

I can sympathise totally. I feel on edge every single day and am feeling worried about the upcoming festive season too. But that aside, I had to go no contact with mine also, well gave him just email and blocked him and my mother and brother in law by phone due to messages. I had to tell him to organise safe contact through a solicitor with the children. Since then nothing. Total silence for weeks and weeks although I will not have received any text messages they may well have sent but no email and nothing from a solicitor. He now isn’t seeing our children atall, I don’t know what to say to them and am just waiting every day for something to happen, it’s a horrible feeling so I’m sorry you’re going through similar. I keep asking myself is this normal behaviour?! I leave as I cannot live in that hostile unpredictable environment anymore, he tries to play nice and reasonable for a few months, behaviour deteriorates so needs supervised contact so disappears completely. I am left totally confused by who he even is.

🙁

Xx

[itwillbeokay]

I used to have to stifle and cover up nervous hysterics too, I couldn’t understand why on earth I was laughing so it’s interesting to read you saying that, such a similarity.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

Hello,

It is difficult to explain as before leaving and for the entirety of our long relationship I got on just fine with my in-laws, no problem at all. But since leaving I now feel certain my husband and brother in law are like they are because of the way she brought them up, the father was away. I’ve not had a problem with her until leaving but she is a cold callous critical difficult opinionated and possibly emotionally abusive woman and in all of their eyes I am evil, I shouldn’t have left, it’s all my fault, there’s zero acknowledgement for the facts, I’ve received difficult blame shifting guilt tripping messages of the passive aggressive variety, filled with covert viscousness. I haven’t bothered to defend myself. What is the point with these types of people. I put her in the same category for the need for no contact as my husband, I simply cannot imagine being able to have contact with any of them ever again as they and anything to do with them triggers me hugely. It’s all very sad. I don’t know what the answer is, I really don’t 🙁

[itwillbeokay]

Is that true do you think? When they can’t get to you they become inconsistent and/or give up? I wonder if that’s what’s happening to me, my husband is not in contact or seeing our children at the moment and I just feel bewildered by the whole chain of events really.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

I know you will too. I know I have/am. It’s been tough. But it’s so worth it. To be the person you should be and used to be.

xxx

[itwillbeokay]

I can remember the feelings of anxiety trying to get shopping packed away before he saw and criticised it all. Wanted the best stuff but was unemployed and we couldn’t afford it! And things for the children were criticised etc.

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