littledove

[littledove]

He did mean to hurt you – he meant all of it. And he’s in prison for good reason.

You were not a drama Queen and it was terrible what he did.

No one deserves to be emotionally abused or have violence toward them, especially by someone who claims they love you. You deserve to be respected, loved, understood and cared for and to feel safe with the person you are with. Anything less than any of those things is wrong.

These are all normal feelings you are having whilst you are in the healing process, sending big hugs xx

[littledove]

Hello,

Glad you’ve been out for (detail removed by moderator), well done! I have also been out for a (detail removed by moderator) too.

And don’t worry this is normal. If I found out he was with someone I knew it would make my stomach turn too.
But not because I have feelings for him, more because I know he’d be telling lies and slating my name to people I know…but that’s an ego thing I’m working on not caring what others think/believe xx

[littledove]

Hi there,

You will never get proper closure from an abuser, they can’t end things in a healthy way. They want to grasp as much control of you as possible – even when the relationship ends. And they want to see you struggle and suffer, it will always be a game of cat and mouse, and they will always win if you let them.

Your closure with an abuser, is to tell them not to contact you again. Block them, stay absolutely no contact. And if they contact you, phone the police.
Your closure and “revenge” on them, is to move on, live a happy and a wonderful life, and take back your control.

You’ll never get answers from the abuser. I would recommend reading some books on abusers, that will give you the answers you want. The one Kip suggested is a really good one.

Also, Kip is right, he knows he abuses you. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it gives him satisfaction doing it. But as Kip said, he will never admit it. He will always turn the blame around on you.
He knows what he does, so no need to tell him. He doesn’t abuse you in front of others/in public because he knows it’s unacceptable in society, he waits till it’s in private/behind closed doors because whilst abuse is acceptable in his eyes, he knows it isn’t to the general public.

If he didn’t know what he was doing, he would do it any time in front of anyone. But no, the timing is ALWAYS right/convenient for him.

[littledove]

Sending big hugs to you ❤️

You’re such a strong and inspirational woman

Everything will work out and fall into place when it needs to

Also, don’t worry, karma always comes to these people eventually.
And in fact their karma is having to live their life the way they do, never being able to love, always feeling in the need to have control to feel the slightest bit fulfilled.
I’m sure you’d much rather be the wonderful, loving woman you are than in their shoes❤️xx

[littledove]

Also please read this on the “Getting Out” forum. I always recommend it to anyone struggling with a decision to leave, it’ll help a lot xx

A Significant Emotional Event – When We Really SEE What Is Important

[littledove]

Aww sending you big hugs!!

He sounds awful. You don’t deserve it at all. And must be so hard for your son as well.

I agree with Kip, he probably never had any intention on putting your name down on the deeds. He knows you now rely on him for a roof over your head.

Just remember your well-being/happiness and your son’s well-being/happiness is more important than a house. A house can be replaced, you might end up in a smaller house/flat, but that’s second to yours and your sons safety. When we realise what TRULY matters, it becomes easier to leave and live a life we and our children deserve xx

[littledove]

Hello Jellybabys,

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by leaving. Not just for you, but for your children as well.
They won’t hate you. Yes they may be a little upset at their parents separating. But even a healthy relationship with kids involved ends and the kids are just fine.

But in a relationship where a partner is abusive the children are 100% better off without being in that environment. They will thank you for it when they’re grown up, that you put them first and got them away from it.
A child witnessing abuse is damaging.

Wish you all the best in leaving him xx

[littledove]

I agree with Kip, you could write each one a letter explaining everything and how sorry you are, explain abuse and coercive control in it. That your mind just wasn’t in the right place at the time and it would mean so much to you if you could build your relationships back up with them, and that you miss them xx

[littledove]

Also Women’s Aid actually recommend that you stay single for 2 years before getting into something new as it puts you at risk of being with another toxic person as you’re still vulnerable and could fall into the trap again x

[littledove]

I agree with Eggshells, you can’t work on yourself if your focus is on someone else. And I think it’s a good idea to work on yourself and heal before getting into something new with someone as you are still in a vulnerable position.

You can’t love another person unless you love yourself first. And it’s always a good idea to be happy on your own first before someone else adds to that happiness. As you will just look for another person to make you happy and that can cause being reliant on another person.

Also, he shouldn’t be pushing you to open up. He should be understanding that you’re not comfortable or ready to.

If you have worries then trust your gut instinct – it’s ALWAYS right. The right person wouldn’t make you feel that way, whether you are an over thinker or not.

He doesn’t really seem that decent a guy from your post tbh…remember you deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, respected and understood!
Anything less throw it out! Don’t settle. There’s 7 billion people in the world. Xx

[littledove]

Yes this definitely abuse. It’s coercion. And he’s forcing himself on you when you don’t want him to.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

But if you were to leave there are loads of agencies that would be able to support you with 2 disabled children. Could you not speak to Citizen’s advice about your options?

It’s amazing how well we can actually adapt to situations and make them work when we are no longer willing to deal with our old ways of life (with your partner).

Ask yourself, are you REALLY better off with him than without him? Is your life more stressful with him around than it would be with him not in your life?

I honestly think you’re way worse with him around than what you would be without him. I keep sharing this post in the “Getting Out” page but it’s honestly amazing and I highly recommend you give it a read over, I’ll post it in a comment below xx

[littledove]

A Significant Emotional Event – When We Really SEE What Is Important

[littledove]

From what I’ve read it sounds to me like you’re doing everything right.

It seems like professionals can see through his ways and that things have back fired on him.

I think you seem in a very good position.

His allegations seem very twisted and vindictive. I’m glad professionals have picked up on this.

I hope the hearing goes well and in yours and your children’s favour, please do give us an update. It’s also a good thing that your eldest doesn’t want and has decided she doesn’t want contact with him as that’s evidence that the younger children may be needing distance from him too.
They seem very strong in that they know his ways and you must have raised them so well that they can see right through it, bravo to you xx

My little girl is only a toddler, and I left my abuser too, he doesn’t see her, but he has popped back in a couple times to chance his luck.
My worry is that he might try manipulate her against me when she is older and feed her lies about me. I think I need your advice on how to raise her so this never happens. I’m not sure what the right things to say to her as she grows up are. xx

[littledove]

Thank you for your reply 🙂

Do you reckon I should just delete the follow request then?

My ex never got charged properly for anything, he just had warnings from the police but I never did press any charges at the time. So I don’t think clare’s law would work

TY x

[littledove]

I’m glad your GP gave you another line. You have to do what’s best for your mental health.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the meeting. I’m not sure if different work places have different policies, but I’m certain they can’t let you go if you have a genuine doctors line as evidence that you’re not fit to work??

I’m also glad they are discussing hrt with you now. Have you discussed antidepressants as well?

Sending big hugs, you’re doing amazing xx

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