Lottieblue

[Lottieblue]

I’m the same as @wildandfree. Left a few years ago and have just turned a corner. It’s been really hard work, but so worth it! I haven’t seen my abuser since the day I walked out. This has been the absolute best thing to do. Even with no contact, for a long time I felt that he had all the power, all the control. Now I feel he has none.

My biggest piece of advice is to seek and take every piece of support you can get. Friends, family, professionals. It’s that which will get you through. But you will get through. I promise. Just hang on in there. xxx

[Lottieblue]

Just wanted to send a hug your way.
Lisa’s response is well worded.
I’m so sorry you are going through all this.
We’re all here for you.
That was horrible and very wrong.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

You should do whatever feels right for you!
It’s also been a few years for me and at no point have I wanted to be with anyone or dip my toe into any kind of dating.
Recently I met someone through an activity I do every week and something has started, but we’re keeping it under wraps for various reasons and he’s happy with that. Im so cautious though, but it’s about me not him. There are so many triggers and the trauma very much still lingers. I have come such a long way, and I have to say the boost to my self esteem has been mega, but there’s still a way to go, and I’m not even sure that I’ll ever arrive. But for the moment things are quite nice.

My advice would be, absolutely don’t go looking for it if you don’t want to. It will happen when… if ever… you are.

[Lottieblue]

My Goodness, you have all been so eloquent on this thread, you have described so well what it’s like.

@roadtohealing it was so exactly the same for me. Everything you describe was how it was for me. By the time my youngest was leaving home my anxiety levels went through the roof as I just didn’t know how I was going to carry on living. Like you, I had lost all capacity even to have a conversation with friends.
I left. It was massive. It was terrifying. But I realised that my kids were going to stop coming home. It’s one thing when they have term-times, it’s the sort of default position. But as they grow they have more choice. And I couldn’t bear the thought that my husband’s behaviour was going to keep me apart from my kids. That was my main impetus. That and thinking… it could be another 30 years of this… maybe more… I’d rather die, frankly.
I’m still trying to recover. From the trauma. From the stigma. I went no contact, completely. To outsiders this looks incredibly cruel but I know that it was the only way.
I had a lot of support when I left – I reached out in every direction. Recently I have had to reach out again as my mental health has plummeted. But I haven’t, for one moment since I left, regretted it. I have agonised, soul searched, gone over and over the what-if’s, but I haven’t regretted it. I feel so sad sometimes for what I think I’ve lost, but then I realise that I’m sad for what I never had. That happy family life.
Please feel free if you would like to DM me. xxx

[Lottieblue]

This is perfectly normal abuser behaviour. Google Cycle of Abuse.
About a year before I actually left, I had an incident where I finally knew that things were never going to change, and that I would, eventually, leave him. In the intervening year, things went up and down, not drastically so, but I started to get stuff sorted. I knew that I needed to be ready for when the moment came, when I would have that fire in my belly. I knew I would never leave while he was being nice, so I had to be ready to do it when he wasn’t.

The feelings you are going through are so, so normal. Is it me? Can I ride the rough times in order to enjoy the good times in between?

The questions I urge you to ask are: can I live like this for another 30/40/50 years? Will it get better or worse once the kids have grown up and left? If I stay for another 10 years, will I still have the strength to leave – and if I do, I’ll have wasted those 10 years just waiting.

I don’t intend to persuade you to do something that’s not right for you. But what’s stopping you from leaving at the moment is the trauma bond. Read, read, read. He doesn’t get to pick and choose whether he’s nice to you or not. I am still trying to get my head round my husband’s behaviour. But I can tell you one thing unequivocally… no matter how much soul-searching I have done since leaving, I have not once regretted it.

[Lottieblue]

This is truly wonderful news – well done!!
Good luck with everything going forward – and remember we’re all still here for you if things become sticky
xxx

[Lottieblue]

Well done you! And thank you for coming back here to post – it’s so very important for new members of the forum to have hope from hearing the stories of people like you.
We are all amazing, strong women, all of us, and we can make change, and we can give ourselves a happier future. Just each of us in our own time. But we can do it.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

I just want to throw my support into this thread. It’s actually a little bit triggering as you are all feeling exactly how I felt.
Leaving isn’t easy. It takes an enormous amount of strength. And it takes a long, long time to recover. I know because I’m not even nearly there and it’s been years since I left.
But the thing that I have is hope. I don’t care how tough things are now and in the future, because I’ve got away from him. Build up your support. Lean on people. It is like jumping off a cliff but you will be caught, and you will have a future free from abuse. Nothing else matters, as long as you and those dear to you are safe.

[Lottieblue]

If you were to drop a frog into boiling water it would jump out. If you put a frog into cold water and then just gradually turn the heat up, it won’t notice, and will eventually boil to death.
This is what has happened to you – your water is boiling but you have no idea when the heat was turned up or when it got to that point.
Another book that I have found hugely useful is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It describes so well what you are going through and helps you to understand how you got here. It doesn’t matter if you just find bits that strike home or read a paragraph at a time – it will all help you to build up your strength and the courage of your convictions.

Like you, I tried to have conversations, and like you they were utterly futile. Time and time again, people on this forum told me to leave without telling him and then to go no contact. I kept insisting that there had to be another way – why would I not act like the reasonable person that I am? But eventually I realised they were right. So that’s what I did. It was complete self-preservation… I was so broken. It’s a really difficult point to get to, realising that that’s the only way. But the bottom line is, you cannot win. He is never going to say “yes, I see, you’re right, you need to leave”.
It’s Hell. It is incredibly difficult to do and it takes a monumental amount of strength, but you can do it, like I did. What are the options? Living like this for the rest of your life? The rest of your life.
Because he’s not going to change.

[Lottieblue]

Hello Galabeee and welcome!

Because your post has been moderated for your protection, there is some detail missing, but I can tell you that my story is exactly the same – except I’m a bit ahead of you! I have been out for a while now (believe me, the route to recovery is not yet over but I now have hope…), having been married for multiple decades and have young adults kids.

You describe your situation brilliantly. I can literally nod at everything as I read it.
I, also, lost myself, and it was then that I knew I had to leave. I didn’t leave then and there – is it ever that simple? But I knew I couldn’t stay. I had stopped functioning as a person, I felt like a shell. So I just worked quietly away at getting my ducks in a row and building up the support I knew I was going to need if I was going to manage to do it. 80% of that support came from this forum, and I also had a lot of contact with my local WA and spoke to a lawyer to make sure that I knew where I stood. Sorted out finances, made sure I had somewhere to go, gathered the documents that mattered etc.
And then I waited. I waited for what I knew would come eventually. The tipping point. The ultimate explosion of rage, when I flicked my V’s. He stormed out, as always, and I left. And I felt that most massive sense of relief and peace. I knew that he would never be able to do that to me again.

Have you read the books that are recommended on here, specifically Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? It sounds like you know that his behaviour is abuse, and you know that you want to (and will) leave. What is confusing – for all of us – is how we feel when they are being nice, how we cling on to these moments and ask ourselves has it finished, is it going to be different?

The answer is no.

There is so much more I could say to you, especially re his behaviour since I left, but it’s too detailed for here. Please feel free to make contact with me through PM if you would like to chat more. I’d be really happy to share how it all happened.

Stay strong – we’re all here for you xxx

[Lottieblue]

I strongly suggest that you speak to your local Women’s Aid, as they will have knowledge that’s pertinent to you. In particular, they might well be able to guide you towards specific solicitors who have really good DA experience. Looking back at when I was at that stage, I still feel amazed by the support that my local WA were able to give me, just in terms of knowing my rights, knowing what the options were, reassuring me that they were absolutely there for me, and also they gave me the telephone numbers of three different solicitors and the one I consulted was amazing. I’m not using her for my divorce, but I barely needed to tell her what my life was like, she just knew.

Good luck xxx

[Lottieblue]

I was awake last night until 3.30 and today I am exhausted and teary. I hate to turn the late off and try to sleep as the noise inside my head is deafening. I thought I was recovering slowly and then had a huge setback – discovered that good friends of mine, who I’m due to meet up with soon, are entertaining my ex (detail removed by Moderator). So it gets me going back over everything again, trying to figure out how to get myself heard, seen… how he is able to suck everyone in so successfully. How I face up to these people – if they still want to breathe the same air as him then we are not on the same page and yet they are supposed to be my friends.
And I spiral. I think to myself I don’t want to do this any more. And I turn the light back on and distract myself in order to banish the utter despair and hopelessness that shout so loud at me in the dark and the loneliness.

[Lottieblue]

I would. I would trust your gut.
That’s not to say I think you should. But I would.
Xxxx

[Lottieblue]

Hi –
I know it’s difficult as we can’t give too much detail on here, but were your kids already adults when you left?
I also want to ask you how long it’s been, but that’s a detail you can’t give.
My own kids were all young adults when I left their father. One has punished me terribly (with silence), the others get it completely.
Please DM me if you’d like to discuss. It’s a horrible worry. I just told myself I was playing the long game, it wouldn’t happen overnight, but they’d eventually understand.
The main thing is that you let them know they have your unconditional love.
xxx

[Lottieblue]

Hi CB,
I know it’s easy to say, but at this point stop thinking that others are worse off than you – this is about survival. I remember that I got to a point where I was on such heightened alert and so anxious that I was on here the whole time, doing online chats, was so anxious I couldn’t sleep and was phoning Samaritans just to have someone speak calmly to me. It would have been easier if he’d been mean the whole time. I think he felt me slipping out of his control and moved into victim mode and it did my head in. I screamed internally the whole time. I knew that I’d spent years and years giving him the benefit of the doubt, sure it would pass, and I knew that it never would. I just wanted it all to go away, but knew deep down that the only person who could change anything was me. By leaving.

And the longer all this goes on the crazier you feel you’re going.

It’s horrible. And it won’t end until you leave.

Don’t think twice about coming being here, again and again. We will all hold your hand and make you feel supported. We all know how critical that is, we really do.

Stay strong. Believe in yourself. He will not define the rest of your life. You deserve better. I promise you.
💕💕💕

[Lottieblue]

Hello Cornflake,

Eggshells and I are on approx the same timeline and with many similarities in our situations and I want to echo what she has said. I’m not out of it yet, mine is still trying to make things difficult (and succeeding) but I know I’ll get there in the end. I think the most important thing is for you to speak to a lawyer, because it’s at that point that you realise that they don’t have quite as much power as they’d have you believe.

Mine was vile to our (young adult) children and I can now give them a safe haven away from him. Get as much support as you can, from anywhere and everywhere, and rise up against this man. You can do it. I did.

Keep coming back. We’re all here for you. xxx

[Lottieblue]

Oh my gosh, LTLA, what a time you’ve had – I’m so very sorry. I can completely understand why you are feeling as hopeless as you are – you were in such a strong position and then – although it was completely outwith his power – he managed to take control again.

You have proved to yourself that you can do it, and you have to hold on tight to that knowledge. You will get there again.
What I really strongly recommend is that you speak to your GP and to your local Womens Aid. The speaking alone will help you to get things straight, and they will give you strength and help you to figure out a plan.

I had a huge fear that exactly the same thing would happen to me before I’d had a chance to leave because I knew it would make things very, very difficult. But in fact it didn’t. It has now, but I managed to escape beforehand.

You will get there, but I think you need to reach out for a lot of support to get you back on track. We’re all here for you xxx

[Lottieblue]

I’ve been through that headspin stuff, so many of us have. But once I had accepted that at some point I would need to leave him, and started doing little things to that end, every one of those little things really felt like it was getting me a step closer. So getting myself a different phone that he didn’t know about, setting up a new email address and sending myself emails within that account, by way of keeping a record. Speaking to Women’s Aid and to a lawyer. It felt a bit strange, as our marriage was carrying on as it always had been, but I was switching off my phone so he couldn’t trace me and looking over my shoulder before stepping off the street into the lawyer’s office etc and it felt so good! I hadn’t started leaving, but I had started making it easier for myself for when I did. I guess, at that stage, I was still in the hope that it wouldn’t come to that. That things would miraculously change (makes me laugh now, my naivety), but I knew that his control over me had to stop and I had to prove to myself that I was capable of determining my future.

[Lottieblue]

CB have you spoken to a lawyer? This might be your next step. Speak to your local WA to see if they have recommendations – it’s essential to find someone who understands what you’re going through.
Once you know what your options are, you might find that you are able to think a little more clearly.

LB xxx

[Lottieblue]

Oh @Chocolatebunnie I’ve moved to this thread from your other one. I’m wondering if you have read all the books that are recommended regularly on this site. You are questioning things that are either very clearly abusive or are very typical abuser behaviour.

I suppose it’s something that I have learnt to pinpoint through therapy but also reading, that an abuser does not like his authority to be questioned. Not just his authority, but his control, resisting his control. Flagging his failings, no matter how nicely/gently – and Heaven knows we spend hours trying to figure out how to do it safely.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I gently asked him not to behave in a certain way at a family occasion that was coming up. I had agonised for months over how and when I was going to do it. I finally ran out of time and raised it, and he unleashed upon me utter venom and rage, completely irrelevant to what I had said, a total attack on me as a person.
After I left him (about a year later), we had a few online sessions (with a therapist each present) as he was so devastated that I had left him for no reason at all, and I raised this subject. The first time, he said he had no idea what I was talking about. A couple of weeks later, my therapist raised it again, and this time he did remember it, but justified it by saying I had hurt his feelings. I had questioned his power to behave exactly as he wanted.

I would, particularly, direct you towards Lundy Bancroft’s Mr Right (in “Why does he do that?”) as well as the chapter on Abusive Men as Parents. The whole book is amazing. Read it, and read it again. You will see that all the behaviour that you write about is very typical abuser behaviour.
There’s a section that describes a scene where it’s a Wednesday, the family has eaten together, and Dad gets up to leave the table. The daughter says “hey Dad! Wednesday is your day to do the dishes!” and he unleashes a torrent of rage upon the whole family and then leaves the room. The next Wednesday comes around and he gets up to leave the table again. This time no-one says anything as he has taught them that you don’t question his right to decide what he will or will not do. And voila, he has control. It’s punishment.

[Lottieblue]

Hi @Everhopeful321,

I just want to say to you that leaving isn’t easy. I would be surprised if anyone on this forum said it was. Before I got out of my (long) marriage, I started a thread on here asking people how it had happened, what it was like, leaving a decades-long marriage. The responses (and there were many) chilled me. I think I was expecting (or hoping for) “go for it girl, it’s not as bad as you fear!” but what I got was openness and honesty and people telling me how painful it was, how difficult, but what they had done to minimise that pain, and how worthwhile it was. That thread was a real turning point for me, like a veil being taken off a picture. I suddenly understood the enormity of the task in hand.

Another thing I always remember is my best friend telling me that however it happened, it was going to be like leaping off a cliff. There are so many unknowns. You can control it only so far (when to jump) but how far you’ll fall and where you’ll land, you just have to wait and see. But whatever does happen it is, without a doubt, going to be better than the situation you are in now.

I have always told myself that it has to be the long game. You just have to trust that it’s going to be worthwhile in the end. If you don’t leave, it will never get better. If you do, it might get worse for a while, but it will get better in the end. I used to compare the number of years I had been with my abuser, with the number of years I (hopefully) had left to live.
When I finally left, he was awful. Much worse than I thought he’d be. I thought he’d be angry and vile, but ultimately glad to see the back of me – in fact he told everyone he was suicidal (including our young adult children) and still plays the poor injured victim, telling everyone he has no idea why I left him.
It’s been hard. It still is. But nothing, nothing would induce me to regret my decision to leave him. I am free.

You will go when you’re ready. Getting support from as many different sources as you can is the key. Friends, family, professionals, this forum and read read read. And recognise that no matter what you do, how you play it, he is who he is and that isn’t going to change. I completely get that you don’t want to cause anyone pain, I was the same, but you cannot control how he responds, so don’t waste your energy trying. You look after you.

Big hugs xxx

[Lottieblue]

Hi again,

we have, indeed, had very similar experiences. I know, so much, what you mean about that confusion – what the Hell is going on here? I used to think I was actually losing my mind when these attacks happened – I tried to figure out what on earth had happened, had I done something to trigger it? Did he really hate me that much? After each one, I knew I couldn’t go on living like this, it was so awful, but then he would pretend like nothing had happened, so I started to wonder – was it really that bad?
But it was.

OK, a couple more things for you to google are the Cycle of Abuse, and FOG, the Fog of Abuse – Fear Obligation Guilt. That’s what drove my life, on a daily basis. That’s what everything was based on. I was either afraid of what his response would be, felt an obligation (because he told me I should) to do what he wanted me to do, or believed that I had done something wrong and felt guilty – because that’s what he made me believe.

It took me a long time to leave, and I am really happy for you to pm me if you want to go into this in greater depth than is permitted (for our safety) on here. But step 1 was telling a friend. I told her about a particular incident that had taken place and that I realised it was abuse and that I would, eventually leave him. I knew I would. It was actually only a year later that I did. Covid accelerated things. This sharing was really important. We never discussed it, she knew and I knew that, until I was ready, I had to get on with things. But it was important for me both to hear myself say it out loud, and to know that someone would catch me if I suddenly fell. She definitely saved my life, just by being there, and when it all started getting a bit fraught and I was really struggling she said to me “whatever happens, you are going to be jumping off a cliff. You just have to have faith that it will be ok in the end”. I remind myself so often of that, mainly because she was absolutely right and it reminds me how very brave I was.

The next thing to do is to tap in to your local Women’s Aid, as Lisa has said. I called by one day. didn’t need an appointment. I was made a cup of tea and someone took me into a little room and I just cried and said I didn’t know why he was so horrible to me or how much longer I could stand it. They were really gentle, listened, sympathised, told me they were there for me, and I suppose that gave me real strength as I then carried with me the knowledge that someone had my back.
(As the time got closer to me leaving, when I suffered terrible anxiety I spoke to the same wonderful person on a regular basis and she calmed me down)
And the third person that I would say you should really try to talk to is a lawyer. It doesn’t have to be a lawyer you want to move forwards with, you don’t even have to like them (although it would help!). My WA team gave me a list of three of four names, and I paid under £100 for an initial consultation – you could probably find one who would do it free. She was brilliant and I would say it definitely makes a difference knowing that they understand what you’re going through. But there are a lot of myths around divorce/separation and it is really good knowing that you actually know, not think you know, where you stand. Knowledge is, it really is, power. And also taking these little steps without him knowing will give you strength and make you feel that maybe he doesn’t have all the power after all.
You don’t have to make the decision to leave, but it is truly empowering to know that you could if ever you did decide to.

Keep sharing here, it makes such a difference. Lots of us have posted a lot, particularly in our hours of greatest need, so don’t feel self-conscious about it. I couldn’t have escaped if it hadn’t been for this forum.

LB xxx

[Lottieblue]

Definitely abusive, my love.

Two really important books for you to read: “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft and “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.

The picture you paint is exactly as mine was – I escaped during lockdown, after a long marriage too but my children were a little older than yours.
I had this same thing of unpredictable rage. Same thing of knowing I need to bring something up but taking ages to do so as I was trying to figure out the right way of doing it. The same thing of being yelled at and accused of… anything really to make me feel inferior… if I dared to doubt his authority in any sense. I gave mine some advice (trying not to be moderated here) on how to keep our youngest on the rails (ie not to throw a strop) and he yelled at me, asking him if I was trying to tell him how to parent his own children. Well, actually yes I was, as he never spent time with them and hadn’t a clue, and this was a particularly troubled little boy.

This was the main reason why I knew it had to be no contact when I left. And I have stuck to that. I haven’t tried to explain my actions because I knew he would turn it all round on me. It was like he had all his weapons behind his back and if I used one of mine he would go on getting bigger and bigger weapons out until he had regained his position of power/authority. So I’d stop early on otherwise it would get too vicious. I knew I couldn’t ever win as he’d stop at nothing.

The silent treatment is also abusive and also a tactic I suffered many a time. It’s horrible and it stays with you for years. It’s such a simple thing but it is the purest of punishments.

Start keeping notes. Of everything. And read (at the very least) those two books. There’s also a really good podcast called “Love and Abuse”. The latest episode is very relevant to what you are describing.

Keep coming back here xxx

[Lottieblue]

I found the Freedom Programme a complete life saver. I did it via Zoom about 6 months after I left my marriage. My head was still like scrambled egg and it was just amazing to have people who really, genuinely knew what I had been through. It was like a big warm supportive hug. I suppose the benefit was that it helped me know for sure that the behaviour I had been enduring for more than two decades had been wrong. We all come on here questioning, don’t we? Is it abuse? Is it me? Can he change? I knew it was abuse, I had managed to leave, but the questioning goes on. Could I have done more? Is he as sorry as he says he is? Have I done the right thing? What now?
Don’t get me wrong, it was hard, too. There were moments that were really triggering. Aspects of it that made me realise how very long I had endured it. But I felt safe. I was in an environment where I could deal with the triggered emotions safely and with support. I can’t praise highly enough the wonderful women that ran the course.

[Lottieblue]

That’s a really good point from @Eggshells, about not using the actual word “abuse”. I knew that my husband’s behaviour was abusive, but out loud I used the word bully, as I felt people could relate to that better. It’s a word that throws quite a punch, and certainly describes part of how he behaved, but it doesn’t go anywhere near the manipulation, undermining, gaslighting… all those subtle things that gradually destroy you without you realising it’s happening.
But it was enough, actually, because married to a billy was justification enough to leave. To heal, I had to face (and am still trying to do so) all the other stuff and make sense of it.

Also, you referred to the guilt that you feel… remember about the FOG of abuse. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That was me. I acted out of one or the other of these three, always. They defined my every day.

And also, remember to go back to those diagrams of The Cycle of Abuse. Google it. I remember the very first time I posted on here, and KIP said “Google the Cycle of Abuse” and I did and I was really shaken. I also had been doing that “but he’s not nasty all the time” to try to justify his behaviour, and then I realise that it was all part of it. I realised that there was only so long (and for me it was a long time!) that I could go on telling myself that it wasn’t really that bad. It was.

[Lottieblue]

Hi @terribleheadspace-

When I first left, the thing I most needed to help me heal was to try to understand what had happened – and to feel understood, too. I found The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans was really good on this front, and Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas might be worth a look, too.

There’s also a follow-up to The Freedom Programme called the Recovery Toolkit. It’s about building your self-esteem and so on. But none of it is a magic wand.
I read and read and read, did the Freedom Programme, spoke to a WA person every week for over a year… and it’s still hard.
Wonderful WA also gave me the opportunity to do a mindfulness course. I wasn’t brilliant at it, but I did learn how to deal with feelings and identify problems etc, so if you have that opportunity I would do that too.

And, of course, keep coming back here too…

💕💕💕

[Lottieblue]

My God they are vile. And so, often, are their mothers.

[Lottieblue]

Hi Nbumblebee,

Like others have said, you are the most incredible support on this forum and it’s obvious that there are many very grateful women.

My Goodness I went through the same scrambled brain as you have, but I think that once I realised he was abusive there was no doubting it. What I couldn’t get my head around was why. I always came back to the fact that I deserved it, but I also “waited” for less stress, older children etc, convinced things would change. The sex thing was particularly horrible as he would punish me with silent treatment for days if I didn’t want it, as well as telling me exactly how long it had been since the last time and calling me all sorts of names.

What I do want to say to you is this: get ready to leave. Get your ducks in a row. You don’t have to do it, just get yourself in a position where you can – apart from anything this will give you an incredible feeling of power. But it also means that if/when that red line is crossed, there’s nothing stopping you.
Finances, phones, somewhere to go. Think of everything, absolutely everything. Have a bag packed (an old pair of pyjamas, a new pack of nickers, a toothbrush) for you and the kids, and just put yourself in the driving seat.

You do not deserve to live like this.
Being nice some of the time is not enough. And especially not when he gets to choose and you just have to buckle up for the ride.

Huge hugs xxx

[Lottieblue]

Thank you all so much for your support.

I suppose it’s obvious that, when I come on to this forum, I am going to be faced with all these poor lovely people who are struggling with abusive relationships, many first-timers and many trying to get to grips with the realisation that abuse is what it is. For me, it just reinforces the fact that years have passed since that was me, I did it, I left… but that the battle continues, more lonely than ever. I feel so fortunate to be out of my marriage. But I am being punished. Kicked while down.

Oh, but if anyone reads this and wonders what the point is of leaving if it’s so miserable afterwards, I want to stress that I don’t regret it – at all. Not at all.

Again, thank you. I just feel a little bit less alone when I can come on here and connect. x

[Lottieblue]

“created an environment of intimidation”
Yes.
It was just that.
It was “everything will be fine as long as no-one crosses me”.
Leaving him was standing up to him. Remaining no contact is standing up to him. Refusing to take his BS as we navigate this never-ending divorce is standing up to him.
“That is not how you treat someone you love”
I sometimes likened myself to a dog. I was shown love and affection when he was in the right frame of mind, but on his terms and his timing. When it didn’t suit him, a dog would be expected to retreat to its bed and stay there until it was bidden.
I wasn’t allowed an opinion, to express my needs or my wants, and if I did, I would be met with cruelty and derision.

[Author]

Posts