LyriaTwilight

[LyriaTwilight]

Hi, thank you both, I do have mental health support in place, and they are setting up a care plan with long term council funding for a support worker to help me get out and about and attend groups etc. We have a family MAST worker and my eldest son is getting support through the young carers scheme – again, this is all centred around my mental health issues. I haven’t spoken to anyone really about the DV side of things…it has been a bit much to contemplate so far I think. But I guess bottling everything up and trying to deal with everything myself isn’t the best idea long term. I do really struggle with therapy, especially group therapy…I find any social occasion difficult, but talking about myself is even more so x

[LyriaTwilight]

I have mental health problems. I have been sectioned more than once and in hospital for months at a time. My ex was horrible to me over it in private but in public acted like the perfect partner, concerned and put upon, doing the best he could, when in reality, he made my situation far worse than it had been before I met him. I am glad you got away from it x

[LyriaTwilight]

I called 101, and spoke to someone on the phone, they were very helpful and understanding. They made an appointment to come out to see me at home. I got a call back from a different person to give me a number to call for victim support, who were also really good. The police sat and talked to me and took notes etc and explained to me what the options were and what would happen next. They called back to check I was ok and to keep me informed throughout the process. I was really worried and unsure like you, but had a friend who had been through the situation herself and she helped me make the decision to involve the police. That first phonecall is definitely the hardest. You will be taken seriously and we are all here for you as well. Any kind of abuse is wrong and you deserve for it to stop x

[LyriaTwilight]

I am trying so hard to ignore her. I have another situation that I am trying to get my head around and I feel like I am just dealing with everything the wrong way, and pushing people away, and probably burying my head in the sand a little also. I just feel completely overwhelmed today and like I can’t quite catch my breath. Like someone has whipped the rug from under my feet. I am hoping tomorrow will be an easier day. And thank you for all your advice on here. It does make a difference x

[LyriaTwilight]

She has reported me to social services. I knew she never really liked me, but I didn’t realise she would go this far. I will look into the reading mentioned above. Thank you all x

[LyriaTwilight]

I have tried to tell her to leave me alone. Over and over. She just won’t listen, and she won’t back off. It has been non stop (removed by moderator). I have an appointment with the police to discuss it but I am worrying I am overreacting. Or that I will make things worse.

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you both. I already left him, quite a while ago now actually. It hasn’t stopped him. I think perhaps because I stayed in the house we shared, he still thinks of it as his – he turns up whenever he likes, kicks off if I don’t let him in, and he will come in and help himself to food, look around my room, go through drawers etc.
My children are in no danger from him, but I guess, I am. Due to the nature of the things he does to me. He is quite violent and angry, and it all seems to be getting worse not better. I have managed to stay fairly calm today and all has been quiet so far. I have had some of my medications increased and I have sleeping pills I can take tonight if I feel I need to. I will try the helpline again. I know I need to get myself together and face up to him, I just need to get myself in a better place, in my head, first I think x

[LyriaTwilight]

He has sent (detail removed by moderator). So I guess that’s what he meant.

I’m so tired of it all. He is breaking me.

[LyriaTwilight]

He comes to mine to see the kids as his house is too far for them to go on school days.
He doesn’t have a key – he has got in a few times after taking my keys and having copies made, I had the locks changed a few times, as far as I know he doesn’t have a new set. I hope not anyway. I haven’t spoken to the police but I am still going to see the solicitor. Part of me is still saying to go back to him and hope things settle down, another part of me now he won’t ever change and things will be just the same as ever. It is the way he is insinuating he will do much worse that is upsetting me. He has always carried through with his threats before, I have no reason to doubt he would stop at forcing me into sex, beating me, pushing me down stairs etc. He put me in hospital for a week when I was pregnant with our eldest child, and again a few years later. He is angry because he feels he is losing control I guess. He has made it clear he isn’t happy about me speaking to or going out with anyone but him or the kids, and occasionally family. It’s all about control with him. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. I never know if he is going to beg me to take him back, blank me completely or kick off at me verbally/physically. It is exhausting trying to keep up with him.

[LyriaTwilight]

Don’t be disappointed in yourself, your reaction was entirely normal. Especially if it has been a while. Just remind yourself how far you have come, and go easy on yourself x

[LyriaTwilight]

I changed my locks, and my ex stole my spare key when he was picking the kids up and had copies made. He gave them back but I am certain he had a set he didn’t hand back, so I had the locks changed get again. If you have the funds to do it, and it will give you that extra peace of mind, then do it. I think you can get them done through your council possibly as well.

[LyriaTwilight]

Well done. He won’t like it, but you don’t need worrying about that. It isn’t your duty to keep him happy. And you don’t have to listen to abuse over the phone.
As for grieving him – that is natural. Of course you went into the relationship feeling positive and wanting him to treat you well. That is what most people want, and what they deserve. Including you. One day, you will find someone who knows your worth and treats you accordingly x

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you all. He is threatening to come over again. After a day of non stop texts and calls again. I am just at a loss now, I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid, that he will turn up. But your support means a lot. I will try and make a list to take with me.
jsscollie – I have sent you a dm but I was pretty stressed out when I sent it so feel free to ignore it if it makes no sense.
I am trying my best to keep myself distracted right now – the stress has made my mh issues flare up and I am struggling with hearing a lot of voices tonight. Stupidly, I didn’t collect my script for my meds, so who knows if I will sleep or not x

[LyriaTwilight]

I hope you manage to distract yourself. It is so much harder when the kids are not around isn’t it! I am starting a group next week called Hearing Voices, I hadn’t thought about a support group for this kind of thing though x

[LyriaTwilight]

That last reply was supposed to for fizzylem, sorry, I am bit muddled tonight x

[LyriaTwilight]

Also – could you turn your phone off for a while? And could it maybe written into the undertaking that contact is strictly regarding the children and not your relationship with each other? As I said, I don’t know how these things work yet so just ‘thinking out loud’. Ring the police if you feel you cannot cope. And lean on your family and friends, whoever you have who may listen x

[LyriaTwilight]

The idea that I won’t be believed terrifies me, enough to keep me quiet. I guess he was successful in trying to make me feel that way.
I have a log, and screenshots etc, of the threats he has made, and carried through, the times he has hurt me, the constant calls and texts etc.
He came over to see the kids again, as arranged this time, and having to act like I was fine with him being around, for the sake of the kids, and in front of family, killed me a little inside. Wow, it’s hard x

[LyriaTwilight]

I really struggle, with the terms rape, domestic abuse, victim etc. You are very brave, well done to you for getting yourself to the place you are in now. You, and others on here, give me something to hold onto, when all around me seems completely hopeless. We probably all need reminding to be kind ourselves at times x

[LyriaTwilight]

I told my friend, who is going to come to the solicitor with me to see what my options are. She is going to call on Monday to make an appointment. I don’t really want anyone else to know. I have a couple of neighbours who are brilliant but I haven’t told them this part. I don’t want everybody to know. Not yet at least, until my head is in a better place. I will look into getting a door alarm and a chain. My windows are all locked anyway as my middle son is a climber and an escape artist.
Thank you all for your messages. It does help.

[LyriaTwilight]

He left after a couple of hours. He wanted sex. He got it. I said no, I made it very clear I didn’t want it, I tried to get him off me. But I didn’t fight properly or yell or cause a big scene because the kids were asleep upstairs. I have been advised that it would be my word against his if I went to the police and it would be extremely difficult to prove this was ‘rape’. This is the 3rd time he has done this since I left him. The 1st time I did fight and ended up with a black eye and bruises all over and internal bruising. I can’t win either way, whether I ‘let’ him do it, or fight back. I am so tired, I hurt all over and I need to get through this weekend with my children. Why does he do this? I have never hurt him ever, I have never hurt anyone.

[LyriaTwilight]

He has gone. I can’t cope with this again. I’ve had enough, I can’t do it anymore.

[LyriaTwilight]

I have been speaking to a friend (the one I thought I had upset) and have shown her some of the messages he has been sending recently. She is making an appointment with a solicitor for me to talk through my options and is going to come with me. Things are still not good but I am muddling through. Thank you for all the support, it does help x

[LyriaTwilight]

I have a couple of people that I speak to online mostly and they have been lovely. But I feel I speak to them too much and they may be getting a bit fed up of hearing from me. I have what the doctors call transient psychosis (as well as PTSD, depression, anxiety and ocd) and I hear people telling me things, and they are telling me I have made these people I speak to angry somehow. Especially one of them, who I have never actually met in real life. I am trying to ignore the voices but am struggling at the minute. I hate the thought that I have upset people in some way, especially when they have been such a help to me. But I don’t how to ask if I have upset them without sounding ‘mental’ as my ex always says. So I am trying to avoid messaging them at all. And I feel a bit lost. And overwhelmed with everything. I struggle with phones because the voices make it hard to hear phone conversations properly. And I don’t really know if I could find the right words.

[LyriaTwilight]

I don’t feel strong. I just want to close my eyes and have everything go away. I tried to take am overdose, I had (removed by moderator) pills lined up and they found me, and took them away. They wanted to put my kids into emergency foster care as he wouldn’t have them and they didn’t think I could cope with them. (Detail removed by moderator) I’ve had enough. People tell me I am brave and strong and I will get through this, but they are wrong. I am none of those things.

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you both for your replies. They do make sense. I made it through last night. Had a phone call from him trying to persuade me to take him back, used every tactic he could think of. Talking, ranting, crying at me then yelling at me. He says if I can change and learn how to handle him then things can get better. I even ended up feeling sorry for him and apologised to him at one point. He seems to have a way of making me do that. But I think if he really loved he wouldn’t have put me through all of the things he has. But he is adamant he does. Although he has a partner now anyway. I just feel confused and tired and unsure of what to do for the best. For me, and for my children.

[LyriaTwilight]

I have had a MAST worker call me to say they are sending an emergency support lady out, I don’t know when it will be. Ex still hasn’t mentioned the letter I sent or what the school said when they spoke to him. He did say I won’t be getting any money anytime soon though – he has better things to spend his wages on apparently. I tried to speak to the head today but couldn’t get hold of her. I am just struggling to keep up with everything that is going in at the minute, and on edge waiting for whatever his next move will be.

[LyriaTwilight]

Just to clarify, my main issue is that school are contacting my ex and talking to him about my issues. And he will use that against me. They said there is nothing I can do because they are his children as well. And that they are only trying to help because of my mental health issues – my issues at the minute are all down to him and his constant harassment of me. He has told me he is trying to get the kids taken off me, and he is going to succeed it seems.

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you. I hope that one day soon I may be strong enough to take the next steps. I think it may be the only way to keep myself sane – and safe – in the end. I will definitely try the help line. Just need to find the right words I think. Hugs to you too x

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you. He has been continuing to constantly message and call me. He has told me that when he raped me, it was something I had wanted and asked for and it was funny, despite the fact that I ended up with a black eye and external and internal bruising. He says because of my mental health issues that I just don’t remember things properly. He has let himself into my house again while I have been out and left ‘gifts’ for me to find, suggesting he wants me back. And he is still refusing to pay any money towards the children. I really don’t know what to think at the minute. I don’t know what he wants from me. I just know that all I want is to be left in peace x

[LyriaTwilight]

Thank you for your words of advice. The letter I sent should arrive with him in the morning and I am terrified of what his reaction will be. I am keeping note of all the issues I have with him, and have screenshots etc. I was abused as a child and the man who did it lives in the (very small) town I grew up in, and I cannot handle living close to him. And the kids are settled in their schools here with their circles of friends, so moving is not really an option at the minute. I am just tired of feeling so on edge and scared all of the time. I can’t imagine things ever feeling easy again. I hope that one day I can get to a place where things are least more settled x

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