maddog

[maddog]

I’m concerned that he’s probably raping you. Consent isn’t a thing with coercion. I’m also concerned that he’s physically attacking you.

You will only break the cycle by leaving, and it sounds as though staying is the safer option. Please speak to your local Women’s Aid and dial 101 to find out if your local police run a Domestic Abuse service. The police should help you as well. If you’re in immediate danger, call 999.

So many of us normalise rape and abuse to protect ourselves and you’re not alone.

It’s a cycle which started way back when they were little. We can’t change it. We can only escape.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship.  There’s support out there to rebuild after abuse. The abusers will carry on abusing.

 

 

[maddog]

When I first had contact with the police, I was absolutely terrified, especially about what the abuser may do next. Hopefully you’ll be offered an ISVA or IDVA as a sort of go-between to support you through the police investigation. They work Normal People hours while the DC in your case will be on duty all over the place. They act as a sort of go-between and also have loads of knowledge about local relevant support.

Everything to do with the police takes forever, and it’s very hard feeling so in the dark. Although it feels as though our abusers should be locked up forever and the keys thrown away, this is unlikely. It doesn’t mean that the police won’t do whatever they can to protect us or that we shouldn’t report. It’s also worth remembering that only catastrophic outcomes hit the news and the good things are ignored

[maddog]

It takes time to recognise that the apparent Good Times were really only a facade. Also, it’s important to understand that your involvement with this man-child isn’t your fault. He selected you. He love bombed you and mirrored your interests. He did everything in his toolkit to hook and reel you in.

You’re bang on about him doing this to himself. Of course he’s pitiful, and it’s sad to see a person dissolve into a mess of their own making. He’s unlikely to change, and although it’s quite a trip, you can learn and grow from the experience. Bad things happened to this man way way before you came along and sadly as a partner, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to remedy the situation.

A common theme with abusers is that we fall in love with someone who isn’t there. The mask slips and the best we can do is to recognise the behaviour, maintain a No Contact regime and stay well out.

You’re doing really well! Baby steps. It really matters to keep doing little acts of kindness towards yourself. This can include the really basic stuff like cleaning your teeth or making yourself a cup of tea.

[maddog]

I sort of knew when I married him that there was something not quite right. I didn’t know what it was. It was one of those things that we can’t know what we don’t know, then we can’t unseen it. Abuse takes so many forms although it all sits under the same umbrella.

[maddog]

It sounds absolutely terrifying and horrible. You couldn’t possibly consent in those circumstances. You describe coercion and rape. It’s really worth speaking to Rape Crisis about what has happened to you. His behaviour is nothing to do with you. He’s just using you as a tool for his own jollies. Abusers don’t do love. Yuck. Please keep reaching out. You are right.

[maddog]

You can’t possibly consent to sex when you’re being coerced and threatened. The grumps, sulks and silent treatments are threats. Being manipulated is threatening. Nobody can consent to intimacy under these circumstances. Rape usually goes with the territory in abusive relationships. Very few people, if any would choose to have sex with a miserable controlling man when choice isn’t an option and they’re going to be just as miserable and controlling whether or not you have sex with them. Abusers don’t do intimacy.

It’s really important to speak to specialist people about our experiences. Rape Crisis is brilliant. So often we hold Rape Myths in our minds and tell ourselves that it couldn’t happen to us. Most rape happens behind closed doors in the place where we should feel safe and the perpetrator under these circumstances is our partner or former partner, or a friend.

When a partner tells you that they’ve accepted not having a physical relationship or says they won’t touch you again, it’s another form of abuse. In a way it’s good that they’re not imposing themselves on us. However, it’s still a manipulation and a denial.

[maddog]

Oh Mayfly, you’re describing an abusive relationship. You should never be treading on eggshells. You should never experience things being thrown around expecting yourself to be the next target. You should never be blamed for his behaviour.

You’re bang on in describing a cycle.

Ah yes, Llama12, the threats are so familiar to me.The isolation from family and the utter loneliness of the situation.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. There are organisations and people who can help and support you to escape safely and there are often reasons to remain.

Please seek the support of Women’s Aid and whatever help is available locally to you. Nobody is going to tell you what to do. I thought in my own marriage that I’d made my bed. Then there was a tipping point.

[maddog]

No, you’re not an abuser because of alcohol. You probably used alcohol as a self defence mechanism. I still use it to self harm and you’re absolutely not alone.

You weren’t and couldn’t possibly be responsible for his rages. You describe rape. Again you’re not alone. You can’t consent to sex when intoxicated.

We all have our vulnerabilities and perpetrators are hunters.

Nobody chooses to become an addict. Life is so much more complicated. Well done for giving up the grog. We’ve all done stupid things when we’ve been drunk. We have to forgive ourselves again and again.

It’s a very normal response to respond to trauma with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You had a vulnerability and you were targeted by an abuser. It’s really not your fault.

[maddog]

I too struggle with the word Rape. In my mind it means being dragged into a bush by a stranger or being held at knife point. Both involve being mashed to a pulp.

The truth is very different. Most rapes happen at home are are perpetrated by a current or former partner. Coercion and veiled threats are far more common than being pinned down and physical violence.Rape is very common in cases of domestic abuse however difficult it is to come to terms with. It’s a big one. It just goes with the territory.

[maddog]

My ex husband expressed similar entitlement. Yuck. Rape within marriage became illegal in 1992. It’s absolutely not consensual and riddled with threat and coercion. Rape Crisis is brilliant. You may have a local office which offers support as well. You don’t have to go through this horror alone in real life.

[maddog]

Domestic abuse is so isolating and lonely and widely misunderstood. It’s complex and absolutely not your fault. You are worth helping. You really are. Do you have a local Women’s Aid? Please speak to your gp about your domestic situation. Victim Support are helpful as well. Your local police force may have a Domestic Abuse team to guide you to local support. You can contact them through 101.

I find with my own family that it’s so much easier for them to victim blame me for things I had no control over, like other people.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. So often it’s a planned escape with lots of external support. Please don’t bear the weight of someone else’s behaviour on your own. You deserve so much more. Although it takes time to find the most suitable support, it’s well worth reaching out.

We minimise our situation and leaving can be frankly dangerous. It’s really sad when we can’t rely on our family. There are ways around this. I know that my own family will probably never truly understand.

Keep posting here. There are so many people out there to support you through this.

For a long time I had a burner PAYGO phone. Record everything you can. I thought I’d made my bed in my miserable marriage.

[maddog]

Thank you so much for responding, determinedtobehappy. Rape is a horrible word. In my mind’s eye, I still imagine rape and pillage as acts of war, or a woman being dragged into a bush. Of course it’s not like that. I haven’t described the incidents as rape. Other people have told me that it was.

[maddog]

Am I alone with this? Just spoken to Samaritans. Have spoken to Rape Crisis. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do any more

[maddog]

My ex husband used to do the same. He’s using you as a masterbatory tool. It’s horrible. Def sexual assault. You’re not in a position to consent.

[maddog]

You articulate it so well, Minimeerkat.

Recently I saw family & it struck me just how much I was blamed. And the secrecy! I remember way back when, my mum talking about places for battered women. I didn’t realise she was talking about herself.

Over the past several years I’ve had specifically trauma informed counselling. These childhood horrors are the gifts that keep on giving.

Prob best staying single. I have the most appalling taste in men!

[maddog]

I’ve found the police helpful in the past. The first time I reported an abuser, I was terrified. There’s still quite a lot the police can do to keep us safe, although sadly so much of the time their hands are tied.

There’s still so much wrong with the system. I expect I’ll hear something soon.

The perpetrator is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land and whatever his reality, it’s not backed by evidence.

I’d like to hear that the police have done what they said they were going to do. Abusers destroy lives.

[maddog]

There are lots of routes into finding the support suitable for your own situation, and all sorts of different counselling organisations out there. Domestic Abuse takes a long time to unpick. Victim Support runs some groups, and of course Women’s Aid runs the Freedom programme. Mind can offer counselling as well. Rape Crisis is really good. Sometimes it feels as though nobody’s listening, then everyone descends at once. Really good that you have an outreach worker. Baby steps.

[maddog]

With Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences there are no time limits for reporting to Police. The criminal courts are very different to the civil courts.

Most things won’t reach the criminal courts. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth reporting. Nobody should live in fear and the police can help.

The Civil/Family courts are completely different and it depends on your budget.

Whatever the situation, it’s really worth reaching out. Nobody knows what triggers someone to report to police and in cases of domestic abuse and all it entails, can take many years. Also, perpetrators won’t change. They’ll carry on abusing and raping and all the things they do until either they’re stopped or they’re dead. We’re probably not the first person the perpetrator has abused, and we certainly won’t be the last. We may be the only person to report the abuse, and only if the evidence is overwhelming will it go to court. I’ll pm you if you don’t mind.

[maddog]

There isn’t a time limit on reporting abuse. It took me decades to finally report a rape. I know he raped and sexually assaulted other women.

It sounds as though the situation is eating you up. That’s not good for you.

The police won’t tell you what to do. They can advise you about what they can do. They are here to protect us and will go through your concerns about retaliation. The safety of you and your children is paramount and nobody should live in fear.Your locaL force may have a Domestic Abuse team attached to 101. They’re not the police but will know about local support services.

You probably have a county ISVA or IDVA service. It’s worth looking up. They’re there to support women involved in a police investigation and can help you in other ways as well. You can contact them before you’ve reported to police and they can support and advise you. It’s very difficult getting in touch with the officer in charge of an investigation as police work weird hours, so the ISVA/IDVA can act as your mouthpiece.

It’s so important to get emotional support through this. The first time I reported to police was terrifying. The not knowing, the fear of retaliation and the general confusion. I reported because I knew I wasn’t the only one and because I was triggered. I’m glad that appalling behaviour is now on public record and in many ways a huge weight has been lifted, not least being believed.

Victim Support can also advise you, and of course, Women’s Aid. Women’s Aid were the first organisation to help me, so I’m working backwards.

[maddog]

Well done for getting out! It’s quite a ride moving from loving someone to recognising them basically as pathetic, damaged little man-child.

It’s difficult to recognise that we’ve been projecting what we think of love onto someone who’s missing a bit in their development.

There’s masses of help out there to hold your hand through your learning, understanding and recovery.

We’ve all fallen in love with someone who wasn’t real, someone who at their core can’t love and it’s such a kick in the teeth to feel so utterly used in every way possible. It’s normal to grieve. The good thing is that you can recover, you can heal and learn to keep yourself safe. He’s stuck on endless repeat until either he’s stopped or he’s dead.

It’s important to remember in these difficult times that every time you get out of bed, clean your teeth and make yourself a cup of tea that these are acts of kindness to yourself. Your GP should be a helpful ally, and there are organisations which offer counselling depending on your needs.

[maddog]

Please don’t beat yourself up, Chocolatebunnie and please don’t think you’re alone.

Since I got divorced, I’ve met a slew of abusive men and my trust has been shattered.

As you head along your counselling journey, you’ll find some counsellors more helpful than others, some with a bigger toolkit, some completely useless.

I’m feeling in a particularly useless situation at the moment as my life was shot to pieces by a particular abuser. I feel as though I’m starting all over again and it’s really tough. I’m not starting from scratch and I’ve survived all sorts of difficulties although it can feel as though nothing’s changed.

Please keep reaching out. I don’t know if you know about NAPAC. Childhood abuse has life changing affects and we really shouldn’t keep on shouldering the blame and the shame of the things we’ve witnessed. Victim Support can offer a listening ear, and there’s lots of free counselling out there. Yoga can be very helpful, although it’s not easy to let go. Some teachers specialise in trauma.

Just remember that every time you clean your teeth or make a cup of tea for yourself, it’s a small act of kindness to yourself. These little things really matter when we’re feeling so run down and run out.

[maddog]

Your police may have a Domestic Abuse team on 101. It’s worth giving it a ring and finding out.

The police are there to keep us safe and in the first instance will probably want to meet you and find out what’s going on. They can explain to you what your options are and what they can and can’t do. It’s really not like Police Interceptors!

If you choose to make a statement, you should be offered the support of an ISVA or IDVA. Victim Support can also offer help and advice whether or not you have reported to police.

Everyone’s situation is different. There’s a lot of help and support out there to tap into.

[maddog]

It’s so difficult. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. These people become far more dangerous when they know the game’s up. It takes time and careful planning to leave. I hope your local Women’s Aid is helpful. You may also find support from your local police. Social Services can offer support if they don’t consist entirely out of cardboard cutouts. It’s so difficult for the children and his behaviour is their normal, even when really it’s not. The children will need help and support. Separation and divorce is horrible at the best of times. When cutting ties with an abuser, the whole thing just has bells on. Masses of them.

There are a few legal support lines for people escaping abuse. Really worth tapping into. You’re not alone. The larger world may not understand abuse. There are enough of us here and in real life who do, and who’ll hold your hand and support you.

[maddog]

He’s using Silent Treatments to punish you. It’s textbook abuse. I’m sure there will be other behaviours that demonstrate abuse. It’s hard to unpick at first, and a massive shock to realise that the person we chose to share our life with isn’t the person they first presented to us. Please seek real life help through your local women’s Aid. They should be able to help both you and the children. Baby steps. It’s quite a trip!

[maddog]

A history of trauma abuse can certainly trip people into becoming abusers themselves. These people build up a False self as a protection against the horrors they’ve experienced.

Poor mental health is never an excuse for abuse. The abusive behaviour became baked in long before you came along and the sob stories and pity plays are often used to draw you in. Most normal people want to look after and protect our partners and it’s horrible when people use their mental health as a weapon.

You’ve done nothing wrong by telling your partner that you find her behaviour abusive. If she truly wants to recover, it’s a journey she must take with professional support and success will probably be limited.

Of course you can give this woman a second chance. You’ll probably get more of the same and it’s likely to get worse. You deserve so much better.

As you look back towards the beginning of the relationship, you’ll probably see lots of red flags popping up. A major red flag is moving in together very quickly. The charm, the mirroring, the love bombing. It doesn’t take long for the mask to slip.

Although awful things may have happened to your girlfriend, it’s not your responsibility to pick up the pieces or to make everything better. You weren’t there and you’re not in a position to change anything. Eating disorders are gruesome. They’re also a massive commitment and need professional intervention. They also don’t turn people into abusers.

Baby steps…

[maddog]

YOu’re not consenting to sex if you’re submitting yourself to keep the peace. It’s certainly not love, it’s him using you as a self cleaning sex toy to get his own needs met.

Abusers love bomb us. They mirror us, and make themselves appear like the perfect partner. They share our views, our likes and dislikes. They often have a sob story so we feel sorry for them.

He’s abusing you. There are lots of organisations who can support you in real life. Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis, Victim Support to name a few of the national ones. Also keep posting.

Your expectations have been shredded and your love betrayed. This is absolutely not your fault. As you start to understand the red flags and his behaviours, you will be able bit by bit, to see him as the pathetic little man child he really is. Baby steps. Sorry to sound so harsh. I’ve been through this mill quite a lot!

[maddog]

Awwww, poor little baby man. He’s using that Big Man toddler influence to control you. of course you want to protect him and he wasn’t protected way back then. He’s not a child and he’s certainly not your child. If he wants to whack his head, it’s his decision. It started way before you came along. Treat him as an infant and get the professionals in

[maddog]

Poor mental health is never an excuse for abusive behaviour. It’s very common for abusers to threaten to kill themselves. They do it to control and punish us. Occasionally they succeed. This is nothing to do with us and we can’t control them however much they try to dump the blame on us. This behaviour belongs firmly to them and their own miserable lives.

If you’re really worried about him, please seek professional advice. You shouldn’t be going through this kind of thing alone.

[maddog]

Spot on, OctoberSunshine. They kick off with the love bombing and the mirroring. They’re not going to reel you in by immediately calling you Fat flapper toes and telling you directly that they actually hate women, and to them, you’re just a tool who’ll do for now. Abusers want to reel you in fast. (detail removed by Moderator) months is no time.

This man is no better than your former abuser. His tactics may be different. If you stay with him, things will become worse. The Freedom Programme run by WA, or Imatter through Victim Support are good ways to start understanding the dynamics of abuse

[maddog]

He’s being pretty cruel to you isn’t he. He’s calling you things to undermine you and using you to feed his own needs. You don’t need to be mashed to a pulp and raped at knife point to be abused. This man sounds absolutely horrible. A nasty piece of work. And yes, he is abusing you. He’s treating you as you might use a tap or a car. Basically an object that requires no consent and no communication.

Abuse can be apparently subtle. My childhood was abusive and my ex husband abused me in different ways so I didn’t recognise the red flags. Please keep posting. You’re in the right place.

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