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    • #124910
      maddog
      Participant

      You’re in the right place here, Headspin. You’re so not alone in having lived a life of abuse. It’s not your fault. Please make contact with Women’s Aid and get your own support in place. You may also find Rape Crisis helpful.

      Please don’t be afraid of speaking out about your experience. We spend these years blaming ourselves, hoping that maybe it’ll get better, they can’t be that bad…. on and on.

      Your daughter is very brave in asking you what happened. You have nothing to fear by beginning to break it down. You don’t have to do it alone.

    • #124908
      maddog
      Participant

      Yes, it’s time to concentrate on me!

      My ex made a big mistake by reporting something that didn’t happen to the police. It’s sad that he’s so led by cowardice.

      The rest of his extended XXX is problematic. Much as I’d like the children to maintain a relationship, I feel very triggered by their glass-tinted spectacles. It won’t be easy for the children to have an honest relationship if their experience isn’t believed or has to be treated as taboo.

      Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Any family every now and again throws up a horrible person. Is it better to pretend these people don’t exist or didn’t do what they did, or to have a safe place to discuss what has happened? You can’t keep pretending that everything’s rosy in the garden when the gate is blocked by a triffid.

    • #124682
      maddog
      Participant

      I very much doubt that our children would want to see him. They seem to understand that they have no agency in his life and venting their anger against him is a waste of time. It makes it pretty awful for me.

      He uses his adult children for fuel when he needs it. It’s sad that one in particular is still fighting to have some kind of relationship with him.

      The children are very angry. I’m getting the brunt of it.

      If it’s the same woman he’s been dating for a while, she knows what she’s getting into and is ignoring the massive red flags. I wonder if she’s noticed her friends slipping away and she will now be standing up for his appalling behaviour. A marriage of convenience.

    • #124653
      maddog
      Participant

      The children are mini-me’s of him.

    • #124621
      maddog
      Participant

      The idiot divorced me, not the children. The children found out through their (detail removed by moderator), poor woman. She knows he abandoned them yet still believes she has some control in the situation. She doesn’t.

    • #124612
      maddog
      Participant

      Poor woman. This isn’t about love. It’s about money and politics which ultimately boils down to power and control.

    • #123739
      maddog
      Participant

      I think you just dial 101 and tell them that you want to use it and they can tell you what’s involved.

    • #123702
      maddog
      Participant

      I’ll PM you.

    • #123646
      maddog
      Participant

      You’re so right to work on yourself. Please, please don’t rest your hopes on his recovery. It’s so rare that abusers change. They’ll just move on & wreck someone else’s life.

      Therapy truly won’t improve him. It may give him tools and language to be a more effective abuser. Please work on disentangling yourself. You’re not alone and it’s not your fault.

    • #123539
      maddog
      Participant

      He doesn’t sound like a very kind person. Abusers often tell us that we’re the one with the problems. They learn new words and project their behaviour onto us.

      If you find his opinions disturbing and offensive, and he then blames you for holding a different opinion, the problem lies with him.

      The aim of abusive behaviour is power and control. Abusers use largely the same tactics. Shutting us up and metaphorically kneeling on our neck is one of those tactics. They have very thin skin and and will understand pretty much any form of communication as an insult.

      My ex used talk At me as well. He was well into mansplaining.

      It may help to look up the Cycle of Abuse. Please reach out in real life and keep posting here. You’re not alone.

    • #123495
      maddog
      Participant

      Can you get a burner phone? You may find NAPAC helpful (National Association of People Abused in Childhood). Refuge sounds like an idea worth considering. The Domestic Abuse team on 101 will be able to help you too.

      Please keep reaching out and keep posting.

    • #123414
      maddog
      Participant

      There are some drugs that have side effects of weight gain. The SSRIs don’t usually do this. A long long time ago I had a long standing eating disorder. I was put on an SSRI and for the first time in my life I felt a bit more normal. The same drug knocked the eating disorder on the head. KIP is so right that medication can alleviate symptoms. They can lift the darkness enough to make talking therapy more effective.

      Please speak to your GP about your fears and your fear of gaining weight.

      Codependency often seems to carry negative conotations. Everyone can be codependent, and it’s a habit of laying ourselves open to pleasing other people ahead of ourselves. It’s a habit we can work on with support to build our own boundaries. We don’t lose our empathy by doing this work.

      Anti gloom pills can really help us to see the world through a brighter lens so we can do the emotional work.

      Please keep on at your local WA.

      Nobody deserves to be abused, no matter what horrors we’ve witnessed as we grew up.

    • #123375
      maddog
      Participant

      You’re doing so well in reaching out. It’s harder recognising abuse when our earlier lives have been complicated. Abusers love this kind of thing. Please contact your local Women’s Aid.

      There are effective treatments Borderline Personality to make it more manageable. Whatever difficulties life has thrown at you is never an excuse for being treated badly.

    • #123368
      maddog
      Participant

      I have no idea what Looping is. It sounds more as though he’s trying to shut you up as you try to make your voice heard and make different attempts at expressing the same thing.

      Do the people you work with find you easy to understand? How about your friends?

      It sounds as though he may be blocking you when you’re upset. These people can’t stand any hint of criticism. Please don’t blame yourself for this. His problems belong to him, and he’s the only one who can sort them out.

      If his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and disrespected, it’s time to move on. Horrid for you.

    • #123056
      maddog
      Participant

      You can find information and support through Rights of Women. The Court Said is a good resource as well.

      Please let your child’s school know what’s going on. Speak to your GP. Hopefully you’ll have a local Women’s Aid to contact. You can dial the police on 101 and ask to speak the Domestic Abuse team.

      Please remember that it’s not your fault, you’re not alone and that there are so many of us, and organisations who will help you navigate this minefield.

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