maddog

[maddog]

When I first had contact with the police, I was absolutely terrified, especially about what the abuser may do next. Hopefully you’ll be offered an ISVA or IDVA as a sort of go-between to support you through the police investigation. They work Normal People hours while the DC in your case will be on duty all over the place. They act as a sort of go-between and also have loads of knowledge about local relevant support.

Everything to do with the police takes forever, and it’s very hard feeling so in the dark. Although it feels as though our abusers should be locked up forever and the keys thrown away, this is unlikely. It doesn’t mean that the police won’t do whatever they can to protect us or that we shouldn’t report. It’s also worth remembering that only catastrophic outcomes hit the news and the good things are ignored

[maddog]

It takes time to recognise that the apparent Good Times were really only a facade. Also, it’s important to understand that your involvement with this man-child isn’t your fault. He selected you. He love bombed you and mirrored your interests. He did everything in his toolkit to hook and reel you in.

You’re bang on about him doing this to himself. Of course he’s pitiful, and it’s sad to see a person dissolve into a mess of their own making. He’s unlikely to change, and although it’s quite a trip, you can learn and grow from the experience. Bad things happened to this man way way before you came along and sadly as a partner, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to remedy the situation.

A common theme with abusers is that we fall in love with someone who isn’t there. The mask slips and the best we can do is to recognise the behaviour, maintain a No Contact regime and stay well out.

You’re doing really well! Baby steps. It really matters to keep doing little acts of kindness towards yourself. This can include the really basic stuff like cleaning your teeth or making yourself a cup of tea.

[maddog]

I sort of knew when I married him that there was something not quite right. I didn’t know what it was. It was one of those things that we can’t know what we don’t know, then we can’t unseen it. Abuse takes so many forms although it all sits under the same umbrella.

[maddog]

It sounds absolutely terrifying and horrible. You couldn’t possibly consent in those circumstances. You describe coercion and rape. It’s really worth speaking to Rape Crisis about what has happened to you. His behaviour is nothing to do with you. He’s just using you as a tool for his own jollies. Abusers don’t do love. Yuck. Please keep reaching out. You are right.

[maddog]

You can’t possibly consent to sex when you’re being coerced and threatened. The grumps, sulks and silent treatments are threats. Being manipulated is threatening. Nobody can consent to intimacy under these circumstances. Rape usually goes with the territory in abusive relationships. Very few people, if any would choose to have sex with a miserable controlling man when choice isn’t an option and they’re going to be just as miserable and controlling whether or not you have sex with them. Abusers don’t do intimacy.

It’s really important to speak to specialist people about our experiences. Rape Crisis is brilliant. So often we hold Rape Myths in our minds and tell ourselves that it couldn’t happen to us. Most rape happens behind closed doors in the place where we should feel safe and the perpetrator under these circumstances is our partner or former partner, or a friend.

When a partner tells you that they’ve accepted not having a physical relationship or says they won’t touch you again, it’s another form of abuse. In a way it’s good that they’re not imposing themselves on us. However, it’s still a manipulation and a denial.

[maddog]

Oh Mayfly, you’re describing an abusive relationship. You should never be treading on eggshells. You should never experience things being thrown around expecting yourself to be the next target. You should never be blamed for his behaviour.

You’re bang on in describing a cycle.

Ah yes, Llama12, the threats are so familiar to me.The isolation from family and the utter loneliness of the situation.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. There are organisations and people who can help and support you to escape safely and there are often reasons to remain.

Please seek the support of Women’s Aid and whatever help is available locally to you. Nobody is going to tell you what to do. I thought in my own marriage that I’d made my bed. Then there was a tipping point.

[maddog]

No, you’re not an abuser because of alcohol. You probably used alcohol as a self defence mechanism. I still use it to self harm and you’re absolutely not alone.

You weren’t and couldn’t possibly be responsible for his rages. You describe rape. Again you’re not alone. You can’t consent to sex when intoxicated.

We all have our vulnerabilities and perpetrators are hunters.

Nobody chooses to become an addict. Life is so much more complicated. Well done for giving up the grog. We’ve all done stupid things when we’ve been drunk. We have to forgive ourselves again and again.

It’s a very normal response to respond to trauma with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You had a vulnerability and you were targeted by an abuser. It’s really not your fault.

[maddog]

I too struggle with the word Rape. In my mind it means being dragged into a bush by a stranger or being held at knife point. Both involve being mashed to a pulp.

The truth is very different. Most rapes happen at home are are perpetrated by a current or former partner. Coercion and veiled threats are far more common than being pinned down and physical violence.Rape is very common in cases of domestic abuse however difficult it is to come to terms with. It’s a big one. It just goes with the territory.

[maddog]

My ex husband expressed similar entitlement. Yuck. Rape within marriage became illegal in 1992. It’s absolutely not consensual and riddled with threat and coercion. Rape Crisis is brilliant. You may have a local office which offers support as well. You don’t have to go through this horror alone in real life.

[maddog]

Domestic abuse is so isolating and lonely and widely misunderstood. It’s complex and absolutely not your fault. You are worth helping. You really are. Do you have a local Women’s Aid? Please speak to your gp about your domestic situation. Victim Support are helpful as well. Your local police force may have a Domestic Abuse team to guide you to local support. You can contact them through 101.

I find with my own family that it’s so much easier for them to victim blame me for things I had no control over, like other people.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. So often it’s a planned escape with lots of external support. Please don’t bear the weight of someone else’s behaviour on your own. You deserve so much more. Although it takes time to find the most suitable support, it’s well worth reaching out.

We minimise our situation and leaving can be frankly dangerous. It’s really sad when we can’t rely on our family. There are ways around this. I know that my own family will probably never truly understand.

Keep posting here. There are so many people out there to support you through this.

For a long time I had a burner PAYGO phone. Record everything you can. I thought I’d made my bed in my miserable marriage.

[maddog]

Thank you so much for responding, determinedtobehappy. Rape is a horrible word. In my mind’s eye, I still imagine rape and pillage as acts of war, or a woman being dragged into a bush. Of course it’s not like that. I haven’t described the incidents as rape. Other people have told me that it was.

[maddog]

Am I alone with this? Just spoken to Samaritans. Have spoken to Rape Crisis. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do any more

[maddog]

My ex husband used to do the same. He’s using you as a masterbatory tool. It’s horrible. Def sexual assault. You’re not in a position to consent.

[maddog]

You articulate it so well, Minimeerkat.

Recently I saw family & it struck me just how much I was blamed. And the secrecy! I remember way back when, my mum talking about places for battered women. I didn’t realise she was talking about herself.

Over the past several years I’ve had specifically trauma informed counselling. These childhood horrors are the gifts that keep on giving.

Prob best staying single. I have the most appalling taste in men!

[maddog]

I’ve found the police helpful in the past. The first time I reported an abuser, I was terrified. There’s still quite a lot the police can do to keep us safe, although sadly so much of the time their hands are tied.

There’s still so much wrong with the system. I expect I’ll hear something soon.

The perpetrator is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land and whatever his reality, it’s not backed by evidence.

I’d like to hear that the police have done what they said they were going to do. Abusers destroy lives.

[Author]

Posts