Mime

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Your situation sounds like mine was – I used to hit myself too and he would say I was mad / out of control, but I felt I was pushed to a point that I couldn’t endure anymore.
I’m sorry your going through this – you deserve better- look after yourself xx

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Thank-you RedStrawberry, HereforHelp, Bananaboat and nbumblebee for taking the time to write a reply. I don’t log on here as often as I’d like because it’s difficult with him still in the house (I’m paranoid about him finding out) but your responses are so so helpful and kind – they help me get through the hard times. Thank you so much 😊 💓 xx

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Sorry. Its an actual essay! I didn’t mean to write so much.

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Hi Daff, I can relate to what you’ve posted here – the loneliness is the very thing I’m afraid of.

I’ve recently ended the relationship that I’ve been so miserable in – he’s still in the house but I think he’ll leave soon – but I’m literally terrified of being on my own. I’d almost put up with any level of abuse than be left with this loneliness.

I think this is why I’ve put up with so many awful situations – how do you deal with the fear of being alone?

I’d love to know the answer to this.

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Thanks so much for your reply Yellow-flower – you are a help 🙂 I can relate to what you write and it helps so much to know that others are, or have been, in a similar situation – it helps me feel less alone and that may be the most valuable and kind thing anyone can give.
Thank you xx

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Thank you Kip and Bananaboat for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

He’s now given me a date when he’s leaving, so I’ll see if that happens. For now he’s being less hostile but I’m still walking on eggshells and anxious all the time I’m in the house with him 🙁 I’m worried he won’t leave, but I’ll wait till that date comes because if he leaves of his own accord that would be amazing.

Although it’ll also make me doubt myself and think maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought and what if he never was abusive. But when I think about all the cruel, degrading and belittling things he’s said and done I think that kind people just don’t do those things.

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Thank you for your kind words Ariadne- it helped me stay grounded.
He’s said he’s moving out, but I can’t ask him what plans he’s made because firstly I don’t think he’ll be honest, and secondly he’s more likely to stay longer if he thinks I’m pressuring him. Im worried he won’t leave at all.

We’re living separate lives now, and the feeling of relief is amazing – but when I’m in the house with him I feel anxious and afraid.

He’s started being nicer to me and he’s apologised more to me since I told him it was over than he has in our entire relationship. Before he would never apologise because everything was my fault.

Its hard to take him being nice – I feel he’s manipulating me, and also it shows he can be nice, which makes me think about how deliberate and planned his cruelty was before.

Thank you again for replying – I’m at a low ebb and hoping to find some strength here, which you gave me. Xx

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Hi gettingtired

I like your name! I can relate to so much of this – especially the smirking – its one of the things that made me realise he was abusive, because he smirks when he sees the pain he causes – its chilling.

For me, its more that when I’ve been driven to the point beyond where I can cope, I’ve hurt myself- mostly by hitting myself, and then he tells me I’m crazy and out of control and he is disdainful and sneers at me.

I manage to take myself away from him before I reach that point now, but I’ve still done it to myself, for example in the bathroom. I’ve got to the point where I can’t contain the rage and the hurt and it all comes out directed at myself.

It’s a terrible feeling- they abuse us, and then we add to abuse through our reactions to the abuse. Its a double bind / catch 22, and it is crazy making.

Sending you love xx thank you for posting xx

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Thanks for your reply Kip – you’re right these are his true colours, but evem though I know it, I still find it hard to believe.
I would block him but we live together:-( I’ve been wanting him to leave for a while but he won’t and our situation is complicated so I can’t force him out and I cant leave either… I feel very trapped – I’m trying to get by day by day

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There are so many its hard to name just one. The ones that come back to me are –

You’re wierd – What’s wrong with you?

You’re hysterical / mad / crazy / obsessed.

You’re deformed / a freak.

I’m scared of you, I don’t know what you’ll do next (he’s not scared of me. With him I’m meek. I’m nearly always submissive)

Its hard to write these things, because I think, what if people read them and believe his version of me. Because I’ve heard these things so many times I start to believe them.

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Hi Headspin I’m sorry it’s like that for you and your daughter.

I am finding this is the hardest thing of all – my children (detail removed by moderator) young adults) don’t want to visit because he’s in the house and they hate the atmosphere and are upset with me that I’m still with him.

Then to rub salt in the wounds, he gets angry and resentful when they do visit, and he sulks like a child because he thinks I give them too much attention. I’m scared to tell him when they’re coming, and when they’ve gone he’s angry with me for days.

He’s ruining my relationship with my children and its the thing that hurts more deeply than anything.

I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. Its the saddest feeling of all. Sending you love xxxx

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I’m sorry you left, I wish you hadn’t, I personally got a lot from your posts and always looked out for them and chances are other people felt the same. Please come back of you can and give it another try.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about- you are valued here, by me at least and I’m sure others too. Come back if you can.
Sending you lots of love xxxxx

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Thank you Kip and Wants To Help – your words are so kind and I think about the things you write very carefully. Since joining this forum I’m starting to understand that what’s happening is abuse and taking it more seriously.

I’ve decided to look into some counselling as I’m clearly not managing this situation very well.

I’m embarrassed about my emotional post this morning- I woke up feeling so sad and I started typing and all my feelings came out, but I can’t go back and read what I wrote now because I feel embarrassed be so close to breaking point and feel so vulnerable.

I did what I said I wouldn’t – which is basically apologise about 100 times. I won’t write what I said because that would be identifying, but in a nutshell I took complete responsibility for everything, and told him every single thing he wanted to hear – because I had to make him stop because I didn’t think I could cope with more of his cruelty and I knew nothing else would stop what he was doing.

So now he’s like the cat that got the cream- he made me grovel really quite a bit, but I knew he would and I braced myself and did what I needed. So he’s speaking to me again, and I’m treading on eggshells until the next time. I’ve promised him I’ll do / be better (not in those words – that’s just the take home).

The thing is, I didn’t mean a thing I said. I only said a those things to make him stop – until he does it again. In the meantime I’m planning to read ‘Why Does he do That’and find a counsellor who understands about abuse, and work out ways to be kinder to myself, try and get stronger- like eating better, and having a better sleep routine so I’m not permanently exhausted.

Thank you again for your kindness. I’m worried that I’m a drain on this forum and I’m trying not to be. I’m so grateful to be here, at the moment its become a bit of a lifeline for me xxx

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Thank you all so much for your replies- stargazing, secret life, kip, lavenderrose, grey rock. I read them all several times over – it keeps me grounded and helps me know (for the first time) I’m not alone. I love this forum – I’ve never felt so much kindness and acceptance before, and it’s quite overwhelming (in a good way).

So its been a while now (can’t say how long because it’ll be deleted I think). For the first time ever I’ve not broken down and sobbed / begged forgiveness – I don’t have it in me this time round.

Well he’s not used to this, and he’s upped the anti – he’s been nasty, cruel, disappearing, walking out, not coming home, lying about where he is. And the gaslightinhg is unbelievable – I can’t write what he’s been saying because it might get deleted, but his accusations are actually unreal – I mean its like one of us is actually crazy, because what’s being said is so far from reality its untrue – except this time I know I’m not the crazy one. But then neither is he really- I almost wish he was crazy because the other option is worse- i.e he’s completely sane and knows what he’s doing and it’s all planned and meticulously executed to cause maximum pain. I actually now think thats the truth of my situation.

Today’s been truly awful – I’ve been so anxious and felt like I’m losing my mind, but I’ve done everything I can to stay strong and calm and not show any emotion. We’ll see what tomorrow brings – he’s not used to this (me not reacting) and you can see he doesn’t like it. He’s been so cruel (again I can’t give details) – its like I’m seeing him clearly for the first time – he looks cruel and ugly and I cant forget the creepy shuddery feeling he gives me now – its like I feel contaminated by him.

I downloaded that book (why does he do that) so far its excellent- I can relate to everything. I think this may be a game changer.

Thank you again to everyone – I feel blessed to have found this place – this forum is my happy place ! Lots of love to everyone xxxx

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Abetty, that’s actually horrendous. I’m afraid for you. He is a monster (sorry to be blunt and brutal about it). Please, you need to leave – for your little girl.
I understand the fear of being alone – its my biggest fear too. But you’re living in hell. You need better than this- you do. And so does your girl.

I’m so sorry for you. What a terrible, sad, lonely life. Please try and take strength from this forum – the women here are kind and they will help you. Don’t listen to me if my advice is too blunt – but stay and take some comfort here. My heart breaks for you. Lake care Abetty. Love xxx

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