nayuki

[nayuki]

Thank you Shine Bright! Hopefully it will work, I just got extremely scared.

[nayuki]

Oh and one more thing, he started his therapy and they told him it’s good that he’s coming to see his child and that there are no restrictions for that in terms of us being separate. Like it has nothing to do with it. I’m so confused by this 🙁

[nayuki]

Hi
I started counselling and it’s fantastic. It helps to build up confidence, the lady is very nice and has good insight. We talk about all other problems I have as well, low self esteem and death of my close relative. It’s helpful and finally I feel someone cares about my problems.. someone other than my family (which had hard time after we lost one of us too fast..)
Try it, it’s really worth it!

[nayuki]

Hi
I think you just did the right thing to leave him. Don’t be hard on yourself, you did the right thing. The garden, the cooker, those are things you can get in time. Freedom is something different. I think you should let the support worker know of your concerns.
Wish you all the best 🙂

[nayuki]

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/The_Con/gaslighting.html please read this
It’s what he’s doing.

[nayuki]

Oh I just read the part where you say, that he told you if you’d say it differently then he would respect that.. he’s manipulative, I heard that as well in my life. He wants you to feel insecure with what you say and how you say it. He’s taking away your self confidence. Don’t let him. It’s obvious that when you are pregnant you want your man to help you. Reminds me of my own sad pregnancy .. not many good memories from that time because of his drinking. He was frustrated because I was working almost whole pregnancy and he couldn’t find a normal job. But was that a reason to drink like crazy? Makes me sad whenever I think about it. He pushed me once when I was in late pregnancy when I told him to stop drinking. So it started evolving from mental into physical. I was so helpless back then, so small. But I did it and I’m free now..
Once again I wish you only good decisions,,stay safe and strong – your children and yourself are worth it.

[nayuki]

Star moon it’s your life and your decision. Don’t listen to people. You have choice. If this is what you think is best for you – and reading your story makes me understand your reasons very clearly. Remember no one has any right to judge you on this and as we all know sometimes we have to make hard choices in our lives.
I hope you will take care of yourself afterwards, but don’t expect your partner to stop acting the way he acts. There’s no chance. He’s comfortable, he can do what he wants like a spoiled kid. I had little help from my daughter’s dad. He would go out and drink, leave me alone at home, isolated, in a non familiar city. I knew he wouldn’t change. I just waited for a good moment or a good reason. I left him. What is happening on your life is terrible but once again This Is Your Life! Your choice to be with a drinking, drug taking guy who doesn’t care about a family. I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, I know where you are and I’ve been there as well.
Now I’m a single mum and I’m very proud of it even if it’s so hard at times 🙂 I’m hugging you and wishing you only good decisions!

[nayuki]

I just had some counselling and it feels good that I opened with someone. I got a god piece of advice: to stop trying to make a decision now, as I have to sort out myself, get self confidence etc
It’s good.
He acts very nice now, but I know he’s trying to get us back. The hardest part is to tell him to stop crossing my boundaries. He keeps telling me that WE are going to live somewhere, WE are going to do this or that.. sure, we are still a some sort of family, for our daughter, but I don’t want him to rule my life ..
Thanks again, I checked the 30 signs, some are true for him, some were true before he moved out. The book really opens eyes.
All I can do is to focus on myself and my child. He has to take care of himself.

[nayuki]

I know some good men but there aren’t many of them. My first boyfriend was overall Ok, but he lacked self confidence and was a liar, trying to build his ego by cheating and deceiving me.
My best friend’s husband is a violent monster but she won’t leave him and she lives in another country. It’s impossible for me to help her. But even my dear sister, the strong woman who had sympathy and advice for everyone, even her perfect partner revealed his real face after she died.. most of my friends who have children are single mums and their partners were terrible. Only one of my friends seems to be in a fine relationship and her partner seks to be a good man, reminds me of my dad, but my father is truly exceptional. Of course he’s not perfect because no one is but he would never hurt anyone.. I don’t know what is wrong with them ..
Can’t really imagine myself with anyone now. I’d like to find someone good but.. can’t imagine trusting anyone again like I used to…

[nayuki]

Thank you, I’m reading the book right now, it really is interesting. Many things seem to sound familiar. It is also interesting because I’m starting to understand what was going on with my sister’s relationship not so long ago. She died because she was very ill but I think her partner was mentally abusive ..
She would hide it because at first abusers tend to be perfect. Mine was like that as well. And I would hide every single sign of his misbehaviour, unless some things became obvious to some of my friends..
Well I have to keep getting more knowledge and what to be aware of. Thanks again for all the resources, I’m really happy that I joined this forum 🙂

[nayuki]

That would be great godschild. It’s really confusing sometimes, but I have no knowledge or necessary distance to judge this situation. Aby help is great!

[nayuki]

Thank you for your replies Godschild and SaharaD
It’s been a few weeks since I checked the forums. I had to put all my effort in job searching and stuff, felt a bit low on times but too busy and overhelmed with money issues. Some things has happened.
Thank you for advice, it’s true I might be deceived by his attitude. He seems to be trying, he’s changing his attitude little by little. I can feel it’s good. He is more positive about his own life at times. He did show some alarming signs, when he found out I’m keeping contact with a male friend (just a friend, nothing else, we’re from the same country, we share some interest etc) and he acted like we’re still together, was jealous etc but now he stopped being like this. But still, he did not start the actual therapy. It’s hard to set boundaries but I absolutely agree that I have to.
At least he also changed the way he talks about the source of our break up. He is not denying his fault any more. This is positive I guess.
Not trying to be ultra optimistic because I know it can get worse. And as long as he won’t attend it we can’t move on.
Thanks for all your words, I really needed that. Sometimes I catch myself on being too much hmm.. don’t even have a word for that, but I feel like I’m being naive? Hard to tell.
Hopefully things will change when I start working.
Thanks again 🙂

[nayuki]

Sounds a lot like me, I also called the police once. HV came and gave us details on Respect and other help, she told me about Women’s Aid and stuff. It was the time when I would protect him. How stupid of me, I waited a year to go to WA and ask for help. At first all I did was explaining and I still kind of made excuses for him. But the lady in WA was great, she told me what to do. We separated and of course life is harder now, but honestly I was already a single mum in a relationship. Now I am free and you can become free as well! Wish you lots of strength.
PS he would call me fat etc as well – that’s really ridiculous when I look back at it now. He destroyed my confidence but I’m slowly going back to myself. .

[nayuki]

Thank you for all these words, you made me feel a lot better 🙂 we need to treat ourselves well, for our children and for us as well.. it’s great to know we are not alone in this.
Staying strong all the time is stressful, but you’re right – all the moments I have with her are most precious 🙂
My ex would spend money on silly things as well. But shopping for groceries with him used to be nightmare. He learned to be a bit less selfish now but it’s probably because he also feels a bit guilty? I don’t know.

[nayuki]

Hello DS,
I know it’s easy to say but remember none of these things is your fault. If he talked about suicide and hurt himself in front of you then it can’t be your fault. He has issues with himself and it has nothing to do with you. At least that’s how I perceive situations like this. My ex also spoke about killing himself because he can’t cope with his situation now (being alone, no decent job, having to repay benefits he got when we lived together) but I never really gave him any response for that. I knew he was manipulating me. He would also talk about killing himself when he was drunk and before we broke up. Those are their own issues and we can’t blame ourselves for them. It’s toxic and spreads on us but it’s not us.
I hope you will regain your confidence soon!

[nayuki]

Thank you mixed up Mum, you are right, I should really stop blaming myself and listening to any if his talking as he doesn’t seem to understand how much child can cost ,besides my working ability is limited because of childcare. I can’t go and work full time and I can’t really find a decent job myself. I only have some part time job and it’s not a job of my dreams.
I wish I’d have money to continue education. To be able to carry on with my dreams. I fell stronger on one hand, on the other I look at all the mess at home and think that I don’t even have enough time (or energy) to tidy everything up all the time, I want to spend more time with my daughter. She is very cheerful and energetic, she wants attention all the time. . Being single with a child, being both mum and dad at the same time and adding all this anxiety and trauma makes life completely different 🙁

[nayuki]

Thank you for replying
It’s still kind of hard for me to say what his reasons are. He does love our child, he has his issues as well. I’ll probably have to check the book you mentioned. On one hand he can act like he cares but on the other he’s just his old self. He loses his temper whenever something is not going on well. It’s not like he bursts with anger like he used to when we lived together but still it frightens me. He criticise me for doing some things wrong. He missed a lot of time with our daughter and when she has her usual toddler tantrums he overreacts. He’s not hurting me in any way now but even a few harsh words make me feel like his old self is back. I dint know what to expect from his therapy -:he seems to be interested in it but he’s always egocentric and it’s clear that he is most important for himself. He has his money problems and work issues and I feel a little sorry for him, but most of that is really his own fault. I don’t feel like he’s sorry for what he did to me even if he says so. There’s a long road ahead for him. And for me as well. I’ll wait and see.
We do talk about it , about things that happened but it feels like all he can do is talking. I don’t believe in love any more (maybe only a parent – child love, which is something different).
Whenever I complain about my situation now all he can say in the end is “but you wanted that yourself”…
He keeps acting like a child. Blaming me for our break up, for everything. He admits that it’s because of him, next he blames me. It’s confusing and makes me feel like I’m the bad one. .. I know I am not. I did mistakes as well but it wasn’t me to drink instead of taking care of the child. All I asked him was to participate and stop leaving us alone for every single evening. Ah this is so pointless. I guess there’s not much I can do. It’s his turn now. .
I just hope these people will not convince me that he’s okay now and won’t judge me. I hate this pressure he gives me when he says “if I go for the therapy we will be a family again” as if that can make me love him again like I used to. Now I don’t think it’s any kind of love. I miss him and our good times and I like to see him playing with our child. But this is not love.
Thanks again and I’ll keep at it 🙂

[nayuki]

It’s never too late to start a new life tough. I think time will change you look at it now.

[nayuki]

I guess I know how you feel. I’m applying for all the benefits now and I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for me to pay rent and nursery without it. I feel unsafe when it comes to these things. I lost all my savings. I was so dumb that I did not end the relationship a year before, I had some savings back then. It was the time when abuse started to be dangerous. I should have left him back then. Now he does help me a lot and it feels embarrassing. He sometimes tells me that I’m sort of ungrateful and if I left him it was my decision and it’s my fault I struggle now. It wasn’t easy to find a part time job with a small child under school age ..
That fear about money can be overhelming.

[nayuki]

I know this 🙂 my dog had such big eyes and would stare at me if she couldn’t get something. Dogs are wonderful, best friends ever. Wish I could afford one now 🙂

[nayuki]

I’d wait until he asks about dad himself. Must be very difficult. But I think children understand more than we think! Perhaps he can see that his mum is happier now? Enjoy it and look into other matters with your son – wish you all the best

[nayuki]

It’s a bit hard to say if I cope but.. I guess my daughter helps me a lot. She’s so sweet and when she hugs me it is so strong.. she can’t talk yet, but I just don’t need any words. I know she loves me even if I’m such a bad mum. I have low self esteem and all of this .. I feel like I’m no good at all. But on the other hand I am both mum and dad right now. Can’t be perfect. I think I am doing the job well. But after a while I feel like I am the worst parent. It feels so bad to look at my neighbours . They are parents as well. They are so perfect. I can’t afford anything special, we won’t go to the pool because I lack money and confidence. We won’t have a garden unless I will earn enough for us to move .. my parents are a lot better. But there was always two of them. But still I get strength when I look at her and I know I have to fight through this life. I’m trying to be stronger.

[nayuki]

Hello, nice to meet you all.
My story is not very long. We met a few years ago. He was great in the beginning, but there were some signs I ignored. We were both young and I was a student at the time. We were both party animals and we enjoyed our time.. now when I think about it it’s funny, because the first time he did something I’d now call abusive happened in the very beginning and he wasn’t even drunk. He started yelling at me in the street because I did something unreasonable. He was right, but the way he expressed that was a but aggressive. I told him he overreacted and he did apologise. He gave me a red rose that day. The first and only real flower he ever gave me. Time passed, he moved to my city (we had to ride train for 5 -7 hours to see each other), to my flat. We lived happily and he found a job. But he was drinking more and more. He started pushing me when he was drunk. It was very embarrassing. One day he did something terrible. He humiliated me in front of my friends and they were all in shock . They couldn’t believe that my partner is acting like this.. after some harsh words from me he probably finally saw what he’s doing. So he improved a bit. I got pregnant. In the end I was very upset and afraid of our housing circumstances and also wanted to relax a bit but he started drinking a lot as he changed his job and I think it was due to stress.. anyway one night he would push me when I wanted to go out.. two weeks later our daughter was born. He was great in the beginning but alcohol soon came back on his mind. The first and only technical hit. It happened one night when he came back from work, drunk. I was making formula for baby and I couldn’t stop it, I told him I have enough of being a lone parent in a relationship. Well – he made his argument hard. Few months later we separated. I have a job, our daughter is growing.. I have self esteem issues. He wants to go for therapy and keeps saying he wants us to be family again. That’s a brief version of what happened. I hope I can talk with all of you and understand more.. thanks for reading..

[nayuki]

I think time is the best healer. I was scared when he would talk about suicide when drunk because it is sort of hard to tell if he’s serious or not. I’m working to regain my self confidence as well. We have to focus on ourselves. Remember you are not the one to blame – he certainly needs help with his issues wich are something beyond your reach I guess. We’re all just human beings, even if I was a therapist I couldn’t help my ex – he needs someone else to help him. Wish you good luck with building your self esteem 🙂 you’re stringer than you think!

[nayuki]

Oh it is a great idea, I’m sure a little bit of nature in a flat will make it a bit nicer 🙂 we also go to local park a lot, my daughter loves it 🙂
I grew on the countryside so I miss all of it in the city. It’s a point in my life when many things changed, I moved away from family and friends and I had a first child .. and all the problems that led to a breakup.
I love these forums, everyone is so kind

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