nayuki

[nayuki]

Thank you Shine Bright! Hopefully it will work, I just got extremely scared.

[nayuki]

Oh and one more thing, he started his therapy and they told him it’s good that he’s coming to see his child and that there are no restrictions for that in terms of us being separate. Like it has nothing to do with it. I’m so confused by this 🙁

[nayuki]

Hi
I started counselling and it’s fantastic. It helps to build up confidence, the lady is very nice and has good insight. We talk about all other problems I have as well, low self esteem and death of my close relative. It’s helpful and finally I feel someone cares about my problems.. someone other than my family (which had hard time after we lost one of us too fast..)
Try it, it’s really worth it!

[nayuki]

Hi
I think you just did the right thing to leave him. Don’t be hard on yourself, you did the right thing. The garden, the cooker, those are things you can get in time. Freedom is something different. I think you should let the support worker know of your concerns.
Wish you all the best 🙂

[nayuki]

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/The_Con/gaslighting.html please read this
It’s what he’s doing.

[nayuki]

Oh I just read the part where you say, that he told you if you’d say it differently then he would respect that.. he’s manipulative, I heard that as well in my life. He wants you to feel insecure with what you say and how you say it. He’s taking away your self confidence. Don’t let him. It’s obvious that when you are pregnant you want your man to help you. Reminds me of my own sad pregnancy .. not many good memories from that time because of his drinking. He was frustrated because I was working almost whole pregnancy and he couldn’t find a normal job. But was that a reason to drink like crazy? Makes me sad whenever I think about it. He pushed me once when I was in late pregnancy when I told him to stop drinking. So it started evolving from mental into physical. I was so helpless back then, so small. But I did it and I’m free now..
Once again I wish you only good decisions,,stay safe and strong – your children and yourself are worth it.

[nayuki]

Star moon it’s your life and your decision. Don’t listen to people. You have choice. If this is what you think is best for you – and reading your story makes me understand your reasons very clearly. Remember no one has any right to judge you on this and as we all know sometimes we have to make hard choices in our lives.
I hope you will take care of yourself afterwards, but don’t expect your partner to stop acting the way he acts. There’s no chance. He’s comfortable, he can do what he wants like a spoiled kid. I had little help from my daughter’s dad. He would go out and drink, leave me alone at home, isolated, in a non familiar city. I knew he wouldn’t change. I just waited for a good moment or a good reason. I left him. What is happening on your life is terrible but once again This Is Your Life! Your choice to be with a drinking, drug taking guy who doesn’t care about a family. I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, I know where you are and I’ve been there as well.
Now I’m a single mum and I’m very proud of it even if it’s so hard at times 🙂 I’m hugging you and wishing you only good decisions!

[nayuki]

I just had some counselling and it feels good that I opened with someone. I got a god piece of advice: to stop trying to make a decision now, as I have to sort out myself, get self confidence etc
It’s good.
He acts very nice now, but I know he’s trying to get us back. The hardest part is to tell him to stop crossing my boundaries. He keeps telling me that WE are going to live somewhere, WE are going to do this or that.. sure, we are still a some sort of family, for our daughter, but I don’t want him to rule my life ..
Thanks again, I checked the 30 signs, some are true for him, some were true before he moved out. The book really opens eyes.
All I can do is to focus on myself and my child. He has to take care of himself.

[nayuki]

I know some good men but there aren’t many of them. My first boyfriend was overall Ok, but he lacked self confidence and was a liar, trying to build his ego by cheating and deceiving me.
My best friend’s husband is a violent monster but she won’t leave him and she lives in another country. It’s impossible for me to help her. But even my dear sister, the strong woman who had sympathy and advice for everyone, even her perfect partner revealed his real face after she died.. most of my friends who have children are single mums and their partners were terrible. Only one of my friends seems to be in a fine relationship and her partner seks to be a good man, reminds me of my dad, but my father is truly exceptional. Of course he’s not perfect because no one is but he would never hurt anyone.. I don’t know what is wrong with them ..
Can’t really imagine myself with anyone now. I’d like to find someone good but.. can’t imagine trusting anyone again like I used to…

[nayuki]

Thank you, I’m reading the book right now, it really is interesting. Many things seem to sound familiar. It is also interesting because I’m starting to understand what was going on with my sister’s relationship not so long ago. She died because she was very ill but I think her partner was mentally abusive ..
She would hide it because at first abusers tend to be perfect. Mine was like that as well. And I would hide every single sign of his misbehaviour, unless some things became obvious to some of my friends..
Well I have to keep getting more knowledge and what to be aware of. Thanks again for all the resources, I’m really happy that I joined this forum 🙂

[nayuki]

That would be great godschild. It’s really confusing sometimes, but I have no knowledge or necessary distance to judge this situation. Aby help is great!

[nayuki]

Thank you for your replies Godschild and SaharaD
It’s been a few weeks since I checked the forums. I had to put all my effort in job searching and stuff, felt a bit low on times but too busy and overhelmed with money issues. Some things has happened.
Thank you for advice, it’s true I might be deceived by his attitude. He seems to be trying, he’s changing his attitude little by little. I can feel it’s good. He is more positive about his own life at times. He did show some alarming signs, when he found out I’m keeping contact with a male friend (just a friend, nothing else, we’re from the same country, we share some interest etc) and he acted like we’re still together, was jealous etc but now he stopped being like this. But still, he did not start the actual therapy. It’s hard to set boundaries but I absolutely agree that I have to.
At least he also changed the way he talks about the source of our break up. He is not denying his fault any more. This is positive I guess.
Not trying to be ultra optimistic because I know it can get worse. And as long as he won’t attend it we can’t move on.
Thanks for all your words, I really needed that. Sometimes I catch myself on being too much hmm.. don’t even have a word for that, but I feel like I’m being naive? Hard to tell.
Hopefully things will change when I start working.
Thanks again 🙂

[nayuki]

Sounds a lot like me, I also called the police once. HV came and gave us details on Respect and other help, she told me about Women’s Aid and stuff. It was the time when I would protect him. How stupid of me, I waited a year to go to WA and ask for help. At first all I did was explaining and I still kind of made excuses for him. But the lady in WA was great, she told me what to do. We separated and of course life is harder now, but honestly I was already a single mum in a relationship. Now I am free and you can become free as well! Wish you lots of strength.
PS he would call me fat etc as well – that’s really ridiculous when I look back at it now. He destroyed my confidence but I’m slowly going back to myself. .

[nayuki]

I think time is the best healer. I was scared when he would talk about suicide when drunk because it is sort of hard to tell if he’s serious or not. I’m working to regain my self confidence as well. We have to focus on ourselves. Remember you are not the one to blame – he certainly needs help with his issues wich are something beyond your reach I guess. We’re all just human beings, even if I was a therapist I couldn’t help my ex – he needs someone else to help him. Wish you good luck with building your self esteem 🙂 you’re stringer than you think!

[nayuki]

Oh it is a great idea, I’m sure a little bit of nature in a flat will make it a bit nicer 🙂 we also go to local park a lot, my daughter loves it 🙂
I grew on the countryside so I miss all of it in the city. It’s a point in my life when many things changed, I moved away from family and friends and I had a first child .. and all the problems that led to a breakup.
I love these forums, everyone is so kind

[Author]

Posts